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Peck's  Bad  Boy  Abroad 


Dad  was  always  subject  to  Stomach  Ache. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY 
ABROAD 


BY 


HON.  GEO.  W.  PECK 

Author  of  Peck's  Bad  Boy  and  His  Pa,    Peck's  Uncle  Ike, 
How  Private  Peck  Put  Down  the  Rebellion,  Etc. 


Being  a  Humorous  Description  of  the  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad 

in  Their  Journeys  Through  Foreign  Lands,  Their  Visits 

to  Crowned  Heads,  the  Manners  and  Customs 

of  the  People,  and  the  Bad  Boy's  Never 

Ending  Efforts  to   Provide   Fun 

No  Matter  Where  He  Is. 


Profusely  Illustrated  by 
D.  S.  GROESBECK  AND  R.  W.  TAYLOR 


THOMPSON   &  THOMAS 
CHICAGO,  ILLINOIS 


Copyright,  1904 

BY 
JOSEPH  B.  BOWEP 


Copyright,  1005 

BY 
JOSEPH  B.  BOWLES 


Copyright,  190$ 

BY 

THOMPSON  &  THOMAS 


Entered  at  Stationers'  Hall 


All  Right*  Restrveii. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Chum  Call  on  the  Old  Groceryman 
After  Being  Away  at  School — The  Bad  Boy's  Dad  in  a 
Bad  Way  17 

CHAPTER  II. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Ready  for  Their  Travels— The 
Bad  Boy  Labels  the  Old  Man's  Suit  Case — How  the  Cow 
boys  Made  Him  Dance  Once 29 

CHAPTER  III. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  About  the  Fun  They  Had  Going  to 
Washington — He  and  His  Dad  Call  on  President  Roose 
velt — The  Bad  Boy  Meets  One  of  the  Children  and  They 
Disagree  39 

CHAPTER  IV. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Visit  Mount  Vernon — Dad 
Weeps  at  the  Grave  of  the  Father  of  Our  Country 49 

CHAPTER  V. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Have  Dinner  at  the  Waldorf- 
Astoria— The  Bad  Boy  Orders  Dinner— The  Old  Man 
Gets  Stuck — Tries  to  Rescue  a  Countess  in  Distress 61 

CHAPTER  VI. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  the  Old  Groceryman  About  Ocean  Voy 
ages — His  Dad  Has  an  Argument  Over  a  Steamer  Chair.  73 


918841 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  VII. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Eat  Fog — Call  on  Astor — A 
Dynamite  Outrage  85 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  About  the  Craze  for  Gin  in  the  White- 
chapel  District — He  Gives  His  Dad  a  Scare  in  the  Tower 
of  London  96 

CHAPTER  IX. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Call  on  King  Edward  and  Almost 
Settle  the  Irish  Question 108 

CHAPTER  X. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  of  Ancient  and  Modern  Highwaymen — 
They  Get  a  Taste  of  High  Life  in  London  and  Dad  Tells 
the  Story  of  the  Picklemaker's  Daughter 121 

CHAPTER  XL 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  About  Paris— Tells  About  the  Trip 
Across  the  English  Channel — Dad  Feeds  a  Dog  and  Gets 
Arrested 133 

CHAPTER  XII. 

The  Bad  Boy's  Second  Letter  from  Paris — Dad  Poses  as  a 
Mormon  Bishop  and  Has  to  Be  Rescued — They  Climb 
the  Eiffel  Tower  and  the  Old  Man  Gets  Converted 146 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

The  Bad  Boy's  Dad  and  a  Man  from  Dakota  Frame  Up  a 
Scheme  to  Break  the  Bank,  But  They  Go  Broke — The 
Party  in  Trouble 157 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Have  an  Automobile  Ride— They 
Run  Over  a  Peasant— Climb  "  Glaziers  "—Dad  Falls  Over 
a  Precipice,  But  Is  Rescued  by  the  Guides  After  a  Hard 
Time  of  It 169 

8 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  XV. 

Dad  Plays  He  Is  an  Anarchist — They  Give  Alms  to  the  Beg 
gars  and  the  Bad  Boy  Ducks  a  Gondolier  and  His  Dad  in 
the  Grand  Canal  181 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  from  Naples — Dad  Sees  Vesuvius  and 
Calls  the  Servants  to  Put  Out  the  Fire— They  Have 
Trouble  with  a  "Dago"  in  Pompeii 193 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Climb  Vesuvius — A  Chicago  Lady 
Joins  the  Party  and  Causes  Trouble 205 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 

The  Bad  Boy  Makes  Friends  with  Some  Italian  Children — 
Dad  is  Chased  by  Lions  from  the  Coliseum — "  Not  Any 
More  Rome  for  Papa,"  says  Dad 217 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Visit  the  Pope— They  Bow  to 
'  the  King  of  Italy  and  His  Nine  Spots — Dad  Finds  That 
"The  Catacombs"  Is  Not  a  Comic  Opera 229 

CHAPTER  XX. 

The  Bad  Boy  Tells  About  the  Land  of  the  Czar  and  the 
Trouble  They  Had  to  Get  There — Dad  Does  a  Stunt  and 
Mixes  It  Up  with  the  People  and  Soldiers 240 

CHAPTER  XXI. 

Dad  Sees  a  Russian  Revolution  and  Faints — 'The  Bad  Boy 
Arranges  a  Wolf  Hunt — Dad  Threatens  to  Throw  the 
Boy  to  the  Wolves 252 

CHAPTER  XXII. 

Dad  Wears  His  Masonic  Fez  in  Constantinople — They  Find 
the  Turks  Sensitive  on  the  Dog  Question — A  College 
Yell  for  the  Sultan  Sends  Him  Into  a  Fit 264 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  XXIII. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Meet  the  Cream  of  the  Harem— 
"Little  Egypt"  Does  a  Dancing  Stunt— The  Sulta* 
Wants  to  S«nd  Fifty  Wives  to  the  President 276 

CHAPTER  XXIV. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Arrive  in  Cairo — At  the  Hottl 
They  Meet  Some  Egyptian  Princesses— Dad  Rides  a 

Camel  to  the  Pyramids  and  Meets  with  Difficulties 290 

CHAPTER  XXV. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Climb  the  Pyramids— The  Bad 
Boy  Lights  a  Cannon  Cracker  in  Rameses'  Tomb — They 

Flee  from  Egypt  in  Disguise 302 

CHAPTER  XXVI. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  About  Gibraltar— The  Irish-English 
Army— How  He  Would  Take  the  Fortress— Dad  Wants 

to  Buy  the  "  Rock  " 314 

CHAPTER  XXVII. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  of  Spain— They  call  On  the  King  and 
the  Bad  Boy  Is  At  It  Once  More— They  See  a  Bull 

Fight  and  Dad  Does  a  Turn 325 

CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  at  Berlin— They  Call  On  Emperor 
William  and  His  Family  and  the  Bad  Boy  Plays  a  Joke 

on   Them   All 340 

CHAPTER  XXIX. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  from  Brussels — He  and  Dad  See  the 
Field  of  Waterloo  and  Call  on  King  Leopold,  and  Dad 
and  the  King  Go  in  for  a  Swim — The  Bad  Boy,  a  Dog 

and  Some  Goats  Do  the  Rest 354 

CHAPTER  XXX. 

The  Bad  Boy's  Delayed  Letter  About  Holland  and  Cuba- 
Dad  and  the  Boy  Go  for  a  Drive  in  a  Dog-Cart— They 
Have  a  Great  Time— Land  in  Cuba  and  See  the  Island 
We  Fought  For 368 

10 


ILLUSTRATIONS. 


"  Don't  shoot !  gentlemen,  please  " 19 

Believes  the  doctors  left  a  monkey  wrench  in  him 25 

Went  out  just  ahead  of  the  old  man's  shoe 27 

Labeled  his   Dad's   valise 31 

"  He  began  to  dance  all  around  the  platform " 37 

"I  thought  I  would  bust  when  Dad  fished  out  a  nickel  and 

gave   it   to   the   porter" 41 

The  President  began  to  curl  up  his  lip  and  show  his  teeth 45 

"I  was  starting  to  give  him  a  swift  punch" 47 

"  You  couldn't  look  through  that  fence  at  what  remains  of 
the  Father  of  His  Country  without  thinking  good  things  "..50 

"  I  slipped  it  down  the  back  of  Dad's  pants  " 57 

"  The  waiter  brought  Dad  the  check  " 63 

Wanted  Dad  to  cash  a  check  because  the  bank  was  closed. ...  67 
And  then  the  night-watchman  came  in  with  the  house  police 
man  and  choked   Dad  off 71 

"I'm  sorry  about  Dad,  cause  he  holds  more  than  I  do,  and 

he  is  slow  about  giving  up  meals  he  paid  for  " 74 

"  Started  in  to  make  a  speech,  thanking  his  fellow-country 
men  for  coming  to  see  him  off" 78 

Dad  got  on  his  knees  and  said:     "Now  I  lay  me" 94 

"  Do  you  mean  to  tell  me  you  stood  around  and  let  Richard 

kill  those  princes?" 98 

The   Beef-Eaters'   Stampede 10$ 

"  Everyone  in  Oshkosh  said  was  out  of  sight  and  was  good 

enough    for   any   King  " 109 

Dad  and  King  Edward  settling  the  Irish  Question 113 

Dad  sang  "My  Country,  'Tis  of  Thee,"  and  the  King  sang 

"God   Save   the   King" 117 

"  Went  over  backwards  and  struck  on  his  pants  ". 119 

Call  again,  Mr.  Duval;  always  glad  to  serve  any  of  the  de 
scendants  of  the  heroes 124 

A  policeman  fished  Dad  out  of  the  ditch , 126 

II 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

Dad  drove  the  Dukes  out . 131 

Looked  at  Dad  in  a  tone  of  voice  that  meant  trouble 134 

And  now  he  coughs  up  a  tip  every  time  he  sees  a  servant  look 

at  him  139 

"  Don't  cry,  dear ;  I  won't  hurt  the  little  runt " 141 

The  waiter  was  waiting  for  his  money,  and  Dad  tried  to  ex 
plain  he  had  been  buncoed 144 

I  put  a  big  red  badge  on  Dad's  breast  with  the  word  "  Bishop  " 

on  it  149 

Dad  was  a  sight  when  we  found  him  in  jail 151 

Dad  went  up  to  her,  took  out  a  five-dollar  bill,  and  put  it  in 

the  tambourine  of  the  lassie ISS 

Dad  and  the  man  from  Dakota  going  to  break  the  Bank 158 

"  Began  to  dance  like  they  had  seen  the  people  dance  at  the 

show  where  they  had  passed  the  evening  " 160 

There  was  to  be  some  fun  besides  the  winning  of  money,  be 
cause  they  talked  of  going  out  in  the  park  and  on  the 
terraces — and  seeing  the  poor  devils  who  had  gone  broke 

commit  suicide   162 

He  would  reach  out  to  Dad  for  more  money,  and  Dad  would 

reach  into  another  pocket  and  dig  up  another  roll 167 

Started  in  on  a  Democratic  speech 171 

Dad  got  down  on  his  knees 174 

Dad  dropped  about  a  hundred  feet  with  the  rope  on  him....  177 

Dad  and  the  Anarchists  reveled  till  almost  morning 182 

"Dad   coughed   up   over  $40  the   first   day,  just  giving  to 

beggars  "  185 

One  yell  in  the  English  language,  and  one  in  Eyetalian 187 

"Then  you  don't  blame  your  little  boy,  do  you?" 191 

Dad  pointed  out  of  the  window  toward  Vesuvius 195 

And  I  threw  a  pail  of  ashes  over  the  fence 198 

"And  the  man  rolled  Dad  over  and  he  was  a  sight" 202 

It  was  a  picture  to  see  Dad  "  go  up  Old  Baldhead  " 206 

And  she  was  stroking  his  hair 209 

Her  husband  pulled  a  long,  blue  gun 212 

"Dad's  tongue  was  run  out  and  he  was  yelling  for  water "...215 

12 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

"  When   I  put  my  arm  around  her  and  kissed  her  on  the 

pouting  lips   it  brought   on  a   revolution" 210, 

What  Dad  wanted  to  see 222 

"  I  fell  and  pushed  Dad  and  he  went  over  in  the  sand  and 

struck  his  pants  on  a  cactus  " 225 

"  You'd  a  died  to  see  Dad  take  the  lead  for  good  old  Rome  ".  .227 

"  I  had  to  kiss  anybody  they  brought  to  me  " 230 

"  Say,  for  awhile  Dad  dassent  go  up  " 233 

Told   Dad   if   he   didn't   stay   where   he   belonged   he   would 

break  him  up  into  bones  and  throw  him  on  a  pile 238 

Told  Dad  that  Nicholas  just  doted  on  Americans 242 

Shaking  dice  for  our  money 245 

A  Cossack  rode  right  up  to  him  and  lashed  him  over  the 

back  248 

Dad  stood  up  in  the  sledge  and  looked  back 257 

And  piled  us  out  on  top  of  Dad 259 

"  My  God,  we  are  pursued  by  a  pack  of  ravenous  wolves,  and 

there   is   no  help   for   us" 261 

When -Dad  put  his  hand  on  her  shoulder 266 

Get  out,  you  hounds  ! 270 

Another  Turk  took  me  by  the  ear  and  stretched  it  out 273. 

The  President  said  he  must  bring  his  folks 277 

He  was  just  getting  warmed  up  to  "Balance  to  Partners  ".  .281 

Of  all  the  stampedes  you  ever  saw 287 

It  takes  nine  baths  to  get  down  to  American  Epidermis 292 

Like  a  frog  on  a  pond  lily  leaf 296 

Started  on   a   stampede    299 

Wanted    him   to   pay    for    the    camel 304 

I  was  ashamed  of  Dad  myself • 307 

Dad  is  disguised  as  a  shiek 311 

The  natives  look  at  it  and  keep  away  from  the  Bank 317 

Dad  got  up  on  his  hind  legs  and  sang  so  loud  you  would 

think  he  would  split  hisself 321 

Me  handed  her  a  five-dollar  gold  piece  and  went  out  doors  for 

a  breath  of  fresh  air 327 

Dad  started  to  run  for  the  fence 331 

The  King  got  one  piece  of  the  cayenne  pepper  candy 335 

13 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

Tossed  him  over  the  fence 337 

Every  rnan  smiles  or  laughs  out  loud 341 

So  this  is  the  champion  Little  Devil  of  America 345 

Dad  and  Emperor  William  stood  scratching  themselves 349 

Dad  leaned  against  a  lamppost  and  scratched  his  back 352 

"Began  to  sell  Dad  relics  of  the  Battle  of  Waterloo" 356 

"  The  King  began  to  peel  off  his  clothes  and  Dad  took  off 

his  "  360 

"I'll  swim  you  a  match  to  the  other  side,"  said  the  King 363 

"When  the  goats  began  to  chew  the  clothes  I  took  the  dog 

and  went  back" 366 

"  More  fun  than  I  ever  had  outside  of  a  circus  " 370 

"  And  the  dog  got  up  and  grabbed  a  mouthful  of  Dad's  ample 

Pants" 374 

Any  woman  could  whip  four  rmen  at  the  drop  of  the  hat 376 


Peck  s  Bad  Boy  Abroad. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD. 


CHAPTER  I. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Chum  Call  on  the  Old  Grocery- 
man  After  Being  Away  at  School — The  Bad 
Boy's  Dad'  in  a  Bad  Way. 

The  bad  boy  had  been  away  to  school,  but  the 
illness  of  his  father  had  called  him  home,  and  for 
some  weeks  he  had  been  looking  about  the  old 
town.  He  had  found  few  of  his  old  friends.  His 
father  had  recovered  somewhat  from  his  illness, 
and  one  day  he  met  his  old  chum,  a  boy  of  his  own 
age.  The  bad  boy  and  the  chum  got  busy  at  once, 
talking  over  the  old  times  that  tried  the  souls  of 
the  neighbors  and  finally  the  bad  boy  asked  about 
the  old  groceryman,  and  found  that  the  old  man 
still  held  out  at  the  old  stand,  with  the  same  old 
stock  of  groceries,  and  they  decided  to  call  upon 
him,  and  surprise  him.  So  after  it  began  to  be 
dark  they  entered  the  store,  and  found  the  old 
groceryman  sitting  on  a  cracker  box  by  the  stove, 
stroking  the  back  of  an  old  tnaltese  cat  that  had  a 
yellow  streak  on  the  back,  where  it  had  been 
singed  by  crawling  under  the  red-hot  stove.  As 

17 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

the  boys  entered  the  store  the  cat  raised  its  back, 
its  tail  became  as  large  as  a  rolling  pin,  and  the 
cat  began  to  spit,  while  the  old  groceryman  held 
up  both  hands  and  said : 

"  Don't  shoot,  please,  but  one  of  you  go  behind 
the  counter  and  take  what  there  is  in  the  cash 
drawer,  while  the  other  one  can  reach  into  my 
pistol  pocket  and  release  my  pocketbook.  This 
is  the  fifth  time  I  have  been  held  up  this  year,  and 
I  have  got  so  if  I  am  not  held  up  about  so  often  I 
can't  sleep  nights." 

"  O,  put  down  your  hands  and  straighten  out 
that  cat's  back,"  said  the  bad  boy,  as  he  slapped 
the  old  groceryman  on  the  back  so  hard  his  spine 
cracked  like  a  frozen  sidewalk.  "  Don't  you  know 
us,  you  old  geezer  ?  We  are  the  only  and  original 
Peck's  Bad  Boy  and  his  Chum,  come  to  life,  and 
ready  for  business,"  and  the  two  boys  danced  a 
jig  on  the  floor,  covered  an  inch  thick  with  the 
spilled  sugar  of  years  ago,  the  molasses  that  had 
strayed  from  barrel,  and  the  general  refuse  of  the 
dirty  place,  which  had  become  as  hard  as  asphalt. 

"  O,  dear,  it  is  worse  than  I  thought,"  said  the 
old  groceryman  as  he  laughed  a  hysterical  laugh 
through  the  long  whiskers,  and  he  hugged  the 
boys  as  though  he  had  a  liking  for  them,  notwith 
standing  the  suffering  they  had  caused  him.  "  By 

18 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


gosh,  I  thought  you  were  nothing  but  common 
robbers,  who  just  wanted  my  money.  You  are 
old  friends,  and  can  have  the  whole  place,"  and 
he  poured  some  milk  into  a  basin  for  the  cat,  but 


Don't  shoot!  gentlemen,  please. 

the  animal  only  looked  at  the  two  boys  as  though 
she  knew  them,  and  watched  them  to  see  what 
was  coming  next. 

The  bad  boy  looked  around  the  old  grocery, 

*J 

19 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

which  had  not  changed  a  particle  during  the  time 
he  had  been  away,  the  same  old  box  of  petrified 
prunes,  the  dried  apples  that  could  not  be  cut  with 
a  hatchet,  the  canned  stuff  on  the  shelves  had  be 
come  so  old  that  the  labels  had  curled  up  and 
fallen  off,  so  it  must  have  been  a  guess  with  the 
old  groceryman  whether  he  was  selling  a  can  of 
peas  or  tomatoes,  and  the  old  fellow  standing 
there  as  though  the  world  had  gone  off  and  left 
him,  as  his  customers  had. 

"  Well,  wouldn't  this  skin  you,"  said  the  bad 
boy,  as  he  took  up  a  dried  prune  and  tried  to  crack 
it  with  a  hatchet  on  a  two-pound  weight,  turning 
to  his  chum  who  was  stroking  the  singed  hair  of 
the  old  cat  the  wrong  way.  "  Say,  old  man,  you 
ought  to  get  a  hustle  on  you.  Why  don't  you 
clean  out  this  shebang,  and  put  in  a  new  stock 
of  goods,  and  have  clerks  with  white  aprons  on, 
and  a  girl  bookkeeper,  and  goods  that  people  will 
buy  and  eat  and  not  get  sick  ?  There  is  a  grocery 
down  street  that  is  as  clean  as  a  whistle,  and  I 
notice  all  your  old  customers  go  there.  Why 
don't  you  keep  up  with  the  times  ?  " 

"  O,  I  ain't  running  a  dude  place,"  said  the 
old  man,  as  he  took  a  piece  of  soft  coal  and  put  it 
in  the  old  round  stove,  and  wiped  the  black  off 
his  hands  on  his  trousers.  "  I  am  trying  to  get 

20 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

rid  of  my  customers.  I  have  got  money  enough 
to  live  on,  and  I  just  stay  here  waiting  for  the 
old  cat  to  die.  I  have  only  got  six  customers  left, 
and  one  of  them  has  got  pneumonia,  and  is  going 
to  die,  then  there  will  be  only  five.  When  they 
are  all  gone  I  shall  sit  here  by  the  stove  until  the 
end  comes.  There  is  nothing  doing  now  to  keep 
me  awake,  since  you  boys  quit  getting  me  mad. 
Say,  boys,  do  you  know,  I  haven't  been  real  mad 
since  you  quit  coming  here.  The  only  fun  I  have 
had  is  swearing  at  my  customers  when  they  stick 
up  their  noses  at  my  groceries.  It's  the  funniest 
thing,  when  I  tell  an  old  customer  that  if  they 
don't  like  my  goods  they  can  go  plum  to  thunder, 
they  get  mad  and  go  somewhere  else  to  trade. 
Times  must  be  changing.  Years  ago,  the  more  I 
abused  customers  the  more  they  liked  it,  and 
I  just  charged  the  goods  to  them  with  a  pencil  on 
a  piece  of  brown  wrapping  paper.  I  had  four 
cracker  boxes  full  of  brown  wrapping  paper  with 
things  charged  on  the  paper  against  customers, 
but  when  anybody  wanted  to  pay  their  account  it 
made  my  head  ache  to  find  it,  and  so  one  day  I  bal 
anced  my  books  by  using  the  brown  wrapping 
paper  to  kindle  the  fire.  If  you  ever  want  to  get 
even  with  the  world,  easy,  just  pour  a  little  kero 
sene  on  your  accounts,  and  put  them  in  the  stove. 

21 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

I  have  never  been  so  free  from  worry  as  I  have 
since  I  balanced  my  books  in  the  stove.  Well,  I 
suppose  you  have  come  home  on  account  of  your 
dad's  sickness,"  said  the  old  groceryman,  turn 
ing  to  the  bad  boy,  who  had  written  a  sign,  "  The 
Morgue,"  and  pinned  it  on  the  window.  "  I  un 
derstand  your  dad  had  an  operation  performed 
on  him  in  a  hospital.  What  did  the  doctors  take 
out  of  him  ?  " 

"  Dad  had  an  operation  all  right,"  said  the  bad 
boy,  "  but  he  is  not  as  much  interested  in  what 
they  took  out  of  him,  as  what  he  thinks  they  left 
in.  They  said  they  removed  his  appendix,  and  I 
guess  they  did,  for  dad  showed  me  the  bill  the 
doctors  rendered.  The  bill  was  big  enough  so 
they  might  have  taken  out  a  whole  lot  more.  If 
I  had  been  home  I  would  never  have  let  him 
be  cut  into,  but  ma  insisted  that  he  must  have 
an  operation.  She  said  all  the  men  on  our  street, 
and  all  that  moved  in  our  set,  had  had  operations, 
and  she  was  ashamed  to  go  out  in  society  and  be 
forced  to  admit  that  dad  never  had  an  operation. 
She  told  dad  that  he  could  afford  it  better  than 
half  the  people  that  had  operations,  and  that  a 
scar  criss-cross  on  the  stomach  was  a  badge  of 
honor.  He  never  got  a  scar  in  the  army,  and  she 
simply  would  not  be  able  to  look  people  in  the 

22 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

face  unless  dad  was  operated  on.  Dad  always 
was  subject  to  stomach  ache,  but  until  appendi 
citis  became  fashionable  he  had  always  taken  a 
mess  of  pills,  and  come  out  all  right,  but  ma  diag 
nosed  the  case  the  last  time  he  was  doubled  up 
like  a  jack-knife,  and  dad  was  hustled  off  to  the 
hospital,  and  they  didn't  do  a  thing  to  him. 

"  He  told  me  about  it  since  I  came  home,  and 
now  he  lays  the  whole  thing  to  ma,  and  I  have  to 
stand  between  them.  He  is  going  to  get  even 
with  ma,  though.  The  first  time  she  complains 
of  anything  going  on  inside  of  her  works,  he  is 
going  to  send  her  right  to  a  hospital  and  have  the 
doctors  do  their  worst.  Dad  said  to  me,  says  he : 
'  Hennery,  if  you  ever  feel  anything  like  a 
caucus  being  held  inside  you,  don't  you  ever  go  to 
a  hospital,  but  just  swallow  a  stick  of  dynamite 
and  light  the  fuse,  then  there  won't  be  anything 
left  inside  to  bother  you  afterwards.  When  I 
got  to  the  hospital  they  stripped  me  for  a  prize 
fight,  put  me  on  a  table  made  of  glass,  and  rolled 
me  into  the  operating  room,  gave  me  chloroform 
and  when  they  thought  I  was  all  in,  they  took  an 
axe  and  chopped  me.  I  could  feel  every  blow,  and 
it  is  a  wonder  they  left  enough  of  your  old  dad 
for  you  to  hug  when  you  came  home.' 

23 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

"  Say,  it  is  kind  of  pitiful  to  hear  dad  talk  about 
the  things  they  left  in  him." 

"  What  things  does  he  think  they  left  in  him," 
asked  the  old  groceryman,  as  he  looked  fright 
ened,  and  felt  of  his  stomach,  as  though  he  mis 
trusted  there  might  be  something  wrong  with 
him,  too. 

"  O,  dad  has  been  reading  in  the  papers  about 
doctors  that  perform  operations  leaving  sponges, 
forceps,  and  things  inside  of  patients,  when  they 
close  up  the  place,  and  since  dad  has  got  pretty 
fussy  since  his  operation  he  thinks  they  left  some 
thing  in  him.  Some  days  he  thinks  they  left  a 
roll  of  cotton  batting,  or  a  pillow,  or  a  bale  of  hay, 
but  when  there  is  a  sharp  pain  inside  he  thinks 
they  left  a  carving  knife,  but  for  a  week  he  has 
settled  down  to  the  belief  that  the  doctors  left  a 
monkey  wrench  in  him,  and  he  is  just  daffy  on 
that  subject.  Says  he  can  feel  it  turning  around, 
as  though  it  was  miscrewing  machinery,  and  he 
wants  to  consult  a  new  doctor  every  day  as  to 
what  he  can  take  to  dissolve  a  monkey  wrench, 
so  it  will  pass  off  through  the  blood  and  pores  of 
the  skin.  He  has  taken  it  into  his  head  that  noth 
ing  will  save  his  life  except  to  travel  all  over  the 
country,  and  the  world.  I  am  to  go  with  him  to 
look  after  him. 

34 


Believes  the  doctors  left  a  monkey  wrench  in  him. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

"  By  ginger,  it's  great !  Just  think  of  it.  Trav 
eling  all  over  the  world  and  nothing  to  do  but 
nurse  my  old  dad  who  thinks  he  is  filled  with  hard 
ware  and  carpenter's  tools.  Gee !  but  I  wish  you 
could  go,"  said  the  bad  boy,  as  he  put  him  arm 
around  his  chum.  "  Maybe  we  wouldn't  make 
these  foreigners  sit  up  and  take  an  interest  in 
something  besides  Royalty  and  Riots." 

"  Well,"  said  the  groceryman,  "  they  will  have 
my  sympathy  with  you  alone  over  there." 

"  But  before  you  start  on  the  road  with  your 
monkey-wrench  show,  you  come  in  here  and  let 
me  put  up  a  package  of  those  prunes  to  take 
along.  They  will  keep  in  any  climate,  and  there 
is  nothing  better  for  iron  in  the  blood,  such  as 
your  dad  has,  than  prunes.  Call  again,  bub,  and 
we  will  arrange  for  you  to  write  to  your  chum 
from  all  the  places  you  go  with  your  dad,  and  he 
can  come  in  here  and  read  the  letters  to  me  and 
the  cat." 

"  All  right,  old  Father  Time,"  said  the  bad  boy, 
as  he  drew  a  mug  of  cider  out  of  the  vinegar 
barrel,  and  took  a  swallow.  "  But  what  you  want 
to  do  is  to  get  a  road  scraper  and  drive  a  team 
through  this  grocery,  and  clean  the  floor,"  and 
the  boys  went  out  just  ahead  of  the  old  man's 
arctic  overshoes,  as  he  kicked  at  them,  and  then 

26 


Went  out  just  ahead  of  the  old  man's  shoe. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

he  went  back  and  sat  down  by  the  stove  and 
stroked  the  cat,  which  had  got  its  back  down  level 
again,  after  its  old  enemies  had  gone  down  the 
street,  throwing  snowballs  at  the  driver  of  a 
hearse. 

"  It  is  a  solemn  occupation  to  drive  a  hearse," 
said  the  bad  boy. 

"  Not  so  solemn  as  riding  inside,"  said  the 
chum. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  1 1. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Ready  far  Their  Travels — 

The  Bad  Boy  Labels  the  Old  Man's  Suit  Case — 

How  the  Cowboys  Made  Him  Dance  Once. 

The  old  groceryman  was  in  front  of  the  gro 
cery,  bent  over  a  box  of  rutabagas,  turning  the 
decayed  sides  down  to  make  the  possible  customer 
think  all  was  not  as  bad  as  it  might  be,  when  a 
shrill  whistle  down  the  street  attracted  his  atten 
tion.  He  looked  in  the  direction  from  which  it 
came,  and  saw  the  bad  boy  coming  with  a  suit 
case  in  one  hand  and  a  sole  leather  hat  box  in 
the  other,  and  the  old  man  went  in  the  store  to 
say  a  silent  prayer,  and  to  lay  a  hatchet  and  an 
ax  handle  where  he  could  reach  them  if  the  worst 
came. 

"  Well,  you  want  to  get  a  good  look  at  me 
now,"  said  the  bad  boy,  as  he  dropped  the  valise 
on  the  floor,  and  put  the  hat  box  on  the  counter, 
"  for  it  will  be  months  and  maybe  years,  before 
you  see  me  again." 

"  Oh,  joy ! "  said  the  old  groceryman,  as  he 
heaved  a  sigh,  and  tried  to  look  sorry.  ''  What 
is  it,  reform  school,-  or  have  the  police  ordered 

29 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

you  out  of  town  ?  I  have  felt  it  coming  for  a  long 
time.  This  is  the  only  town  you  could  have  plied 
your  vocation  so  long  in  and  not  been  pulled. 
Where  are  you  going  with  the  dude  suit  case  and 
the  hat  box?" 

"  Oh,  dad  has  got  a  whole  mess  more  diseases, 
and  the  doctors  had  a  conversation  over  him  Sun 
day,  and  they  say  he  has  got  to  go  away  again, 
right  now,  and  that  a  sea  voyage  will  brace  him 
up  and  empty  him  out  so  medicine  over  in  Europe 
can  get  in  its  work  and  strengthen  him  so  he  can 
start  back  after  a  while  and  probably  die  on 
the  way  home,  and  be  buried  at  sea.  Dad  says  he 
will  go,  for  he  had  rather  die  at  sea  than  on  land, 
'cause  they  don't  have  to  have  any  trouble  about 
a  funeral,  'cause  all  they  do  is  to  sew  a  man  up 
in  a  piece  of  cloth,  tie  a  sack  of  coal  to  his  feet, 
slide  him  off  a  board,  and  he  goes  kerplunk  down 
into  the  salt  water  about  a  mile,  and  stands  there 
on  his  feet  and  makes  the  whales  and  sharks  think 
he  is  a  new  kind  of  fish." 

"  Gee !  but  that  is  a  programme  that  appeals 
to  me  as  sort  of  uncanny,"  said  the  old  man.  "  Is 
your  dad  despondent  over  the  outlook?  What 
new  disease  has  he  got  ?  " 

"  All  of  'em,"  said  the  boy,  as  he  took  a  label 
off  a  tomato  can  and  pasted  it  on  the  end  of  the 

30 


Labeled  his  Dad's  valise. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

suit  case.  '  You  take  an  almanac  and  read  about 
all  the  diseases  that  the  medicine  advertised  in 
the  almanac  cures,  and  dad  has  got  the  whole  lot 
of  them,  nervous  prostration,  rheumatism,  liver 
trouble,  stomach  busted,  lungs  congested,  dia 
phragm  turned  over,  heart  disease,  bronchitis, 
corns,  bunions,  every  darn  thing  a  man  can  catch 
without  costing  him  anything.  But  he  is  not  de 
spondent.  He  just  thinks  it  is  an  evidence  of  gen 
ius,  and  a  certificate  of  standing  in  society  and 
wealth.  He  argues  that  the  poor  people  who  have 
only  one  disease  are  not  in  it  with  statesmen  and 
scholars.  Oh,  he  is  all  right.  He  thinks  if  he 
goes  to  Europe  all  knocked  out,  he  will  class  with 
emperors  and  dukes.  Oh,  since  he  had  that  opera 
tion  and  had  his  appendix  chopped  out,  he  thinks 
there  is  a  bond  of  sympathy  between  him  and 
King  Edward  that  will  cause  him  to  be  invited  to 
be  the  guest  of  royalty.  He  is  just  daffy,"  and 
the  bad  boy  took  a  sapolio  label  out  of  a  box  and 
pasted  it  on  the  other  end  of  the  valise. 

"  What  in  thunder  and  lightning  are  you  past 
ing  those  labels  on  your  valise  for  ?  "  said  the 
old  man,  as  the  boy  reached  for  a  Quaker  oats  la 
bel  and  a  soap  advertisement  and  pasted  them  on. 

"  Oh,  dad  said  he  wished  he  had  some  foreign 
labels  of  hotels  and  things  on  his  valise,  to  make 

32 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

fellow  travelers  believe  he  had  been  abroad  be 
fore,  and  I  told  him  I  could  fix  it  all  right.  You 
see,  if  I  paste  things  all  over  the  valise  he  will 
think  it  is  all  right,  'cause  he  is  near  sighted/'  and 
the  boy  pasted  on  a  label  for  37  varieties  of 
pickles,  and  then  put  on  an  advertisement  for  hair 
restorer  on  the  hat  box. 

"  Say,  here's  a  fine  one,  this  malted  milk  label, 
with  a  New  Jersey  cow  on  the  corner,"  said  the 
old  man,  as  he  began  to  take  interest  in  the  boy's 
talent  as  an  artist.  "  And  here,  try  one  of  these 
green  pea  can  labels,  and  the  pork  and  beans 
legend,  and  the  only  soap.  Say,  if  you  and  your 
dad  don't  create  a  sensation  from  the  minute  you 
take  the  train  till  you  get  back,  you  can  take  it 
out  of  my  wages.  When  are  you  going?  " 

"  To-morrow  night,"  said  the  boy,  as  he  put 
more  labels  on  the  hat  box,  and  stood  off  and 
looked  at  them  with  the  eye  of  an  artist.  ;<  We 
go  to  New  York  first  to  stay  a  few  days  and  see 
things,  and  then  we  take  a  steamer  and  sail 
away,  and  the  sicker  dad  is  the  mote  time  I  will 
have  to  fill  up  on  useful  nollig." 

"  Hennery,"  said  the  old  groceryman,  as  his 
chin  trembled,  and  a  tear  came  to  his  eye.  "  I 
want  to  ask  you  a  favor.  At  times,  when  you 
have  been  unusually  mean,  I  have  thought  I 

33 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

hated  you,  but  when  I  have  said  something  ugly 
to  you,  and  have  laid  awake  all  night  regretting 
it,  it  has  occurred  to  me  that  you  were  about  the 
best  friend  I  had.  I  think  it  makes  an  old  man 
forget  his  years,  to  be  chummy  with  a  live  boy, 
full  of  ginger,  and  I  do  like  you,  condemn  you, 
and  I  can't  help  it.  Now  I  want  you  to  write  me 
every  little  while,  on  your  trip,  and  I  will  read 
your  letters  to  the  customers  here  in  the  store, 
who  will  be  lonely  until  they  can  hear  that  you  are 
dead.  The  neighbors  will  come  in  to  read  your 
letters,  and  it  will  bring  me  custom.  Will  you 
write  to  me,  boy,  and  pour  out  your  heart  to  me, 
and  tell  me  of  the  different  troubles  you  get  your 
dad  into,  for  surely  you  cannot  help  finding  trou 
ble  over  there  if  you  go  hunting  for  it.  Promise 
me,  boy." 

"  You  bet  your  life  I  will,  old  pard,"  said  the 
bad  boy.  "  I  shall  have  to  have  some  escape 
valve  to  keep  from  busting.  I  was  going  to  write 
to  my  chum,  but  he  is  in  love  with  a  telephone  girl, 
and  he  don't  take  any  time  for  pleasure.  I  will 
write-you  about  every  dutch  and  duchess  we  meet, 
every  prince  and  pauper,  and  everything.  You 
watch  my  smoke,  and  you  will  think  there  is  a 
train  afire.  I  hope  dad  will  try  and  restrain  him 
self  from  wanting  to  fight  everybody  that  belongs 

34 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

to  any  country  but  America.  He  has  bought  one 
of  these  little  silk  American  flags  to  wear  in  his 
button  hole,  and  he  swears  if  anybody  looks  cross 
eyed  at  that  flag  he  will  simply  cut  his  liver  out, 
and  toast  it  on  a  fork,  and  eat  it.  He  makes  me 
tired,  and  I  know  there  is  going  to  be  trouble." 

"  Don't  you  think  your  dad's  mind  sort  of  wan 
ders  ?  "  said  the  old  groceryman,  in  a  whisper, 
"  It  wouldn't  be  strange,  after  all  he  has  gone 
through,  in  raising  you  up  to  your  present  size, 
if  he  was  a  little  off  his  base." 

"  Well,  ma  thinks  he  is  bug-house,  and  the 
hired  girl  is  willing  to  go  into  court  and  swear  to 
it,  and  that  experience  we  had  coming  home  from 
the  Yellowstone  park  some  time  ago,  made  me 
think  if  he  was  not  crazy  he  would  be  before  long. 
You  see,  we  had  a  hot  box  on  the  engine,  and  had 
to  stay  at  a  station  in  the  bad  lands  for  an  hour, 
and  there  were  a  mess  of  cow  boys  on  the  plat 
form,  and  I  told  dad  we  might  as  well  have  some 
amusement  while  we  were  there,  and  that  a  brake- 
man  told  me  the  cow  boys  were  great  dancers, 
but  you  couldn't  hire  them  to  dance,  but  if  some 
man  with  a  strong  personality  would  demand  that 
they  dance,  and  put  his  hand  on  his  pistol  pocket 
they  would  all  jump  in  and  dance  for  an  hour. 
That  was  enough  for  dad,  for  he  has  a  microbe 

35 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

that  he  is  a  man  of  strong  personality,  and  that 
when  he  demands  that  anybody  do  something 
they  simply  got  to  do  it,  so  he  walked  up  and  down 
the  platform  a  couple  of  times  to  get  his  draw 
poker  face  on,  and  I  went  up  to  one  of  the  cow 
boys  and  told  him  that  the  old  duffer  used  to  be 
a  ballet  dancer,  and  he  thought  everybody  ought 
to  dance  when  they  were  told  to,  and  that  if  the 
spell  should  come  on  him,  and  he  should  order 
them  to  dance,  it  would  be  a  great  favor  to  me  if 
they  would  just  give  him  a  double  shuffle  or  two, 
just  to  ease  his  mind. 

"  Well,  pretty  soon  he  came  along  to  where  the 
tow  boys  were  leaning  against  the  railing,  and, 
looking  at  them  in  a  haughty  manner,  he  said: 
'  Dance,  you  kiotes,  dance/  and  he  put  his  hand  to 
his  pistol  pocket.  Well,  sir,  I  never  saw  so  much 
fun  in  my  life.  Four  of  the  cow  boys  pulled  re 
volvers  and  began  to  shoot  regular  bullets  into 
the  platform  within  an  inch  of  dad's  feet,  and 
they  yelled  to  him :  '  Dance  your  own  self,  you 
ancient  maverick ;  whoop  'er  up ! '  and  by  gosh ! 
dad  was  so  frightened  that  he  began  to  dance  all 
around  the  platform,  and  it  was  like  a  battle,  the 
bullets  splintering  the  boards,  and  the  smoke  fill 
ing  the  air,  and  the  passengers  looking  out  of  the 
windows  and  laughing,  and  the  engineer  and  fire- 

36 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


man  looking  on  and  yelling,  and  dad  nearly 
exhausted  from  the  exertion.  I  guess  if  the 
conductor  had  not  got  the  hot  box  put  out  and 
yelled  all  aboard,  dad  would  have  had  apoplexy^ 


"He    began    to    dance    all    around    the    platform" 

but  he  let  up,  the  cow  boys  quit  shooting,  and  he 
got  aboard  the  train  and  started.  I  stayed  in  the 
smoking  car  with  the  train  butcher  for  more  than 
an  hour,  'cause  I  was  afraid  if  I  went  in  the  car 

37 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

where  dad  was  he  would  make  some  remark  that 
would  offend  my  pride,  and  when  I  did  go  back  to 
the  car  he  just  said :  '  Somebody  fooled  you. 
Those  fellows  couldn't  dance,  and  I  knew  it  all 
the  time/  Yes,  I  guess  there  is  no  doubt  dad  is 
crazy  sometimes,  but  let  me  chaperone  him 
through  a  few  foreign  countries  and  he  will  stand 
without  hitching  all  right.  Well,  goodby,  now, 
old  man,  and  try  and  bear  up  under  it,  till  you 
get  a  letter  from  me,"  and  the  bad  boy  took  his 
labeled  valise  and  hat  box  and  started. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  III. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  About  the  Fun  They  Had  Going 
to  Washington — He  and  His  Dad  Call  on  Presi 
dent  Roosevelt — The  Bad  Boy  Meets  One 
of  the  Children  and  They  Disagree. 

Washington,  D.  C— My  Dear  Old  Skate:  I 
didn't  tell  you  in  my  last  about  the  fun  we  had 
getting  here.  We  were  on  the  ocean  wave  two 
days,  because  the  whole  country  was  flooded  from 
the  rains,  and  dad  walked  the  quarter  deck  of 
the  Pullman  car,  and  hitched  up  his  pants,  and 
looked  across  the  sea  on  each  side  of  the  train 
with  a  field  glass,  looking  for  whales  and  por 
poises.  He  seems  to  be  impressed  with  the  idea 
that  this  trip  abroad  is  one  of  great  significance  to 
the  country,  and  that  he  is  to  be  a  sort  of  min 
ister  plenipotentiary,  whatever  that  is,  and  that 
our  country  is  going  to  be  judged  by  the  rest  of 
the  world  by  the  position  he  takes  on  world  af 
fairs.  The  first  day  out  of  Chicago  dad  corraled 
the  porter  in  a  section  and  talked  to  him  until  the 
porter  was  black  in  the  face.  I  told  dad  the  only 
way  to  get  respectful  consideration  from  a  negro 
was  to  advocate  lynching  and  burning  at  the 

39 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

stake,  for  the  slightest  things,  so  when  our  porter 
was  unusually  attentive  to  a  young  woman  on 
the  car  dad  hauled  him  over  the  coals,  and  scared 
him  so  by  talking  of  hanging,  and  burning  in 
kerosene  oil,  that  the  negro  got  whiter  than  your 
shirt,  and  when  he  got  away  from  dad  he  came 
to  me  and  asked  if  that  old  man  with  the  red 
nose  and  the  gold-headed  cane  was  as  dangerous 
as  he  talked.  I  told  him  he  was  my  dad,  and 
that  he  was  a  walking  delegate  of  the  Amalga 
mated  Association  of  Negro  Lynchers,  and  when 
a  negro  did  anything  that  he  ought  to  be  pun 
ished  for  they  sent  for  dad,  and  he  took  charge 
of  the  proceedings  and  saw  that  the  negro  was 
hanged,  and  shot,  and  burned  up  plenty.  But  I 
told  him  that  dad  was  crazy  on  the  subject  of 
giving  tips  to  servants,  and  he  must  not  fall  dead 
when  we  got  to  Washington  if  dad  gave  him  a 
$50  bill,  and  he  must  not  give  back  any  change, 
but  just  act  as  though  he  always  got  $50  from 
passengers.  Well,  you'd  a  dide  to  see  that  negro 
brush  dad  50  times  a  day,  and  bring  a  towel 
every  few  minutes  to  wipe  off  his  shoes,  but  he 
kept  one  eye,  about  as  big  as  an  onion,  on  dad 
all  the  time,  to  watch  that  he  didn't  get  stabbed. 
The  next  morning  I  took  dad's  pants  from  un 
der  his  pillow,  and  hid  them  in  a  linen  closet,  and 

40 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

dad  laid  in  his  berth  all  the  forenoon,  and  had 
it  out  with  the  porter,  whom  he  accused  of  steal 
ing  them.  The  doctors  told  me  I  must  keep  dad 
interested  and  excited,  so  he  would  not  dwell  on 
his  sickness,  and  I  did,  sure  as  you  are  a  foot  high. 
Dad  stood  it  till  almost  noon,  when  he  came  out 


"I  thought  1  would  bust  when  Dad  fished  out  a  nickel  and  gave 
it  to  the  porter" 

of  his  berth  with  his  pajamas  on,  these  kind  with 
great  blue  stripes  like  a  fellow  in  the  penitentiary, 
and  when  he  went  to  the  wash  room  I  found  his 
pants  and  then  he  dressed  up  and  swore  some  at 
everybody  but  me.  We  got  to  Washington  all 
right,  and  I  thought  I  would  bust  when  dad 

41 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

fished  out  a  nickel  and  gave  it  to  the  porter,  and 
we  got  out  of  the  car  before  the  porter  came  to, 
and  the  first  day  we  stayed  in  the  hotel  for  fear 
the  negro  would  see  us,  as  I  told  dad  that  porter 
would  round  up  a  gang  of  negroes  with  razors 
and  they  would  waylay  us  and  cut  dad  all  up  into 
sausage  meat.  Dad  is  the  bravest  man  I  ever  saw 
when  there  is  no  danger,  but  when  there  is  a 
chance  for  a  row  he  is  weak  as  a  cat.  I  spect 
it  is  on  account  of  his  heart  being  weak.  A  man's 
internal  organs  are  a  great  study.  I  spose  a 
brave  man,  a  hero,  has  to  have  all  his  inside 
things  working  together,  to  be  real  up  and  up 
brave,  but  if  his  heart  is  strong,  and  his  liver 
is  white,  he  goes  to  pieces  in  an  emergency,  and 
if  his  liver  is  all  right,  and  he  tries  to  fight  just 
on  his  liver,  when  the  supreme  moment  arrives, 
and  his  heart  jumps  up  into  his  throat,  and  wab 
bles  and  beats  too  quick,  he  just  flunks.  I  would 
like  to  dissect  a  real  brave  man,  and  see  what  con 
dition  the  things  inside  him  are  in,  but  it  would  be 
a  waste  of  time  to  dissect  dad,  'cause  I  know  all 
his  inner  works  need  to  go  to  a  watchmaker  and 
be  cleaned,  and  a  new  main  spring  put  in. 

Well,  this  morning  dad  shaved  himself,  and 
got  on  his  frock  coat,  and  his  silk  hat,  and  said 
we  would  go  over  to  the  white  house  and  have  a 

42 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

talk  with  Teddy,  but  first  he  wanted  to  go  and 
see  where  Jefferson  hitched  his  horse  to  the  fence 
when  he  came  to  Washington  to  be  innogerated, 
and  where  Jackson  smoked  his  corn  cob  pipe,  and 
swore  and  stormed  around  when  he  was  mad,  and 
to  walk  on  the  same  paths  where  Zachariah  Tay 
lor  Zacked,  Buchanan  catched  it,  and  Lincoln  put 
down  the  rebellion,  and  so  we  walked  over  toward 
the  white  house,  and  I  was  scandalized.  I  stopped 
to  pick  up  a  stone  to  throw  at  a  dog  inside  the 
fence,  and  when  I  walked  along  behind  dad,  and 
got  a  rear  view  of  his  silk  hat,  it  seemed  as  though 
I  would  sink  through  the  asphalt  pavement,  for 
he  had  on  an  old  silk  hat  that  he  wore  before  the 
war,  the  darnedest  looking  hat  I  ever  saw,  the 
brim  curled  like  a  minstrel  show  hat,  the  fur 
rubbed  off  in  some  places,  and  he  looked  like  one 
of  these  actors  that  you  see  pictures  of  walking 
on  the  railroad  track,  when  the  show  busts  up  at 
the  last  town.  I  think  a  man  ought  to  dress  so 
his  young  son  won't  have  a  fit.  I  tried  to  get  dad 
to  go  and  buy  a  new  hat,  but  he  said  he  was  going 
to  wait  till  he  got  to  London,  and  buy  one  just  like 
King  Edward  wears,  but  he  will  never  get  to  Lon 
don  with  that  hat,  'cause  to-night  I  will  throw  it 
out  of  the  hotel  wrindow  and  put  a  piece  of  stove 
pipe  in  his  hat  box. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

Well,  sir,  you  wouldn't  believ  it,  but  we  got 
into  the  white  house  without  being  pulled,  but  it 
was  a  close  shave,  'cause  everybody  looked  at  dad, 
and  put  their  forefingers  to  their  foreheads,  for 
they  thought  he  was  either  a  crank,  or  an  am 
bassador  from  some  furrin  country.  The  detec 
tives  got  around  dad  when  we  got  into  the  ante 
room,  and  began  to  feel  of  his  pockets  to  see  if 
he  had  a  gun,  and  one  of  them  asked  me  what  the 
old  fellow  wanted,  and  I  told  them  he  was  the 
greatest  bob  cat  shooter  in  the  west,  and  was  on 
his  way  to  Europe  to  invite  the  emperors  and 
things  to  come  over  to  this  country  and  shoot 
cats  on  his  preserve.  Well,  say,  you  ought  to 
have  seen  how  they  stepped  one  side  and  waltzed 
around,  and  one  of  them  went  in  the  next  room 
and  told  the  president  dad  was  there,  and  before 
we  knew  it  we  were  in  the  president's  room,  and 
the  president  began  to  curl  up  his  lip,  and  show 
his  teeth  like  some  one  had  said  "rats."  He  got 
hold  of  dad's  hand,  and  dad  backed  off  as  though 
he  was  afraid  of  being  bitten,  and  then  they  sat 
down  and  talked  about  mountain  lion  and  cat 
shooting,  and  dad  said  he  had  a  22  rifle  that  he 
could  pick  a  cat  off  the  back  fence  with  every  time, 
out  of  his  bedroom  window,  and  I  began  to  look 
around  at  the  pictures.  Dad  and  the  president 

44 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

talked  about  all  kinds  of  shooting,  from  mudhens 
to  moose,  and  then  dad  told  the  president  he  was 
going  abroad  on  account  of  his  liver,  and  wanted 


The  President  began  to  curl  up  his  lip  and  show  his  teeth. 

a  letter  of  introduction  to  some  of  the  kings  and 
emperors,  and  queens,  and  jacks,  and  all  the  face 
cards,  and  the  president  said  he  made  it  a  prac 
tice  not  to  give  any  personal  letters  to  his  friends, 

45 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

the  kings,  but  that  dad  could  tell  any  of  them 
that  he  met  that  he  was  an  American  citizen,  and 
that  would  take  him  anywhere  in  Europe,  and 
then  he  got  up  and  began  to  show  his  teeth  at  dad 
again,  and  dad  gave  him  the  grand  hailing  sign 
of  distress  of  the  Grand  Army  and  backed  out, 
dropped  his  hat,  and  in  trying  to  pick  it  up,  he 
stepped  on  it,  but  that  made  it  look  better,  any 
way,  and  we  found  ourselves  outside  the  room, 
and  a  lot  of  common  people  from  the  country  were 
ready  to  go  in  and  talk  politics  and  cat  shoot 
ing. 

Well,  we  looked  at  pictures,  and  saw  the  state 
dining  room  where  they  feed  50  diplomats  at  a 
time  on  mud  turtle  and  champagne,  and  a  boy 
about  my  size  looked  sort  of  disdainful  at  me,  and 
I  told  him  it  he  would  come  outside  I  would  mash 
his  jaw,  and  he  said  I  could  try  it  right  there  if 
I  was  in  a  hurry  to  go,  and  I  was  starting  to  give 
him  a  swift  punch  when  a  detective  took  hold  of 
my  arm  and  said  they  couldn't  have  any  scrap 
there,  'cause  the  president's  son  could  not  fight 
with  common  boys,  and  I  asked  him  who  he  called 
a  common  boy,  and  then  dad  said  we  better  go 
before  war  broke  out  in  a  country  that  was  illy 
prepared  for  hostilities  on  a  large  scale,  and  then 
I  told  a  detective  that  dad  was  liable  to  have  one 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

of  his  spells  and  begin  shooting  any  minute,  and 
then  the  detectives  all  thought  dad  was  one  of 


I  was  starting  to  give  him  a  swift  punch." 

these  president  assassinationists,  and  they  took 
him  into  a  room  and  searched  him,  and  asked  him 
a  whole  lot  of  fool  questions,  and  they  finally  let 

4? 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

us  out,  and  told  us  we  better  skip  the  town  before 
night.  Dad  got  kind  of  heavy-hearted  over  that 
and  took  a  notion  he  would  like  to  see  ma  again 
before  crossing  the  briny  deep,  so  you  came  near 
having  your  little  angel  again  soon.  This  weak 
ness  of  dad's  didn't  last  long,  for  we're  looking 
for  a  warm  time  in  New  York  and  old  Lunnon. 
So  long,  HENNERY. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  IV. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Visit  Mount  Vernon — Dad 
Weeps  at  the  Grave  of  the  Father  of  Our  Country. 

New  York  City. — My  Dear  Uncle  Ezra :  I  got 
a  letter  from  my  chum  this  morning,  and  he  says 
he  was  in  the  grocery  the  day  he  wrote,  and  you 
were  a  sight.  He  says  that  if  I  am  going  to  be 
away  several  months  you  will  never  change  your 
shirt  till  I  get  back,  for  nobody  around  the  gro 
cery  seems  to  have  any  influence  over  you.  I 
meant  to  have  put  you  under  bonds  before  I  left, 
to  change  your  shirt  at  least  quarterly,  but  you 
ought  to  change  it  by  rights  every  month.  The 
way  to  do  is  to  get  an  almanac  and  make  a  mark 
on  the  figures  at  the  first  of  the  month,  and  when 
you  are  studying  the  almanac  it  will  remind  you 
of  your  duty  to  society.  People  east  here,  that  is, 
business  men  in  your  class,  change  their  shirts 
every  week  or  two.  Try  and  look  out  for  these 
little  matters,  insignificant  as  they  may  seem, 
because  the  public  has  some  rights  that  it  is  dan 
gerous  for  a  man  to  ignore. 

Dad  and  I  have  been  down  to  Mount  Vernon, 
and  had  a  mighty  solemn  time.  I  think  dad  ex- 

49 


''You  couldn't  look  through  that  fence  at  what  remains  of  the 
father  of  His  Country  without  thinking,  good  things." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

pected  that  we  would  be  met  at  the  trolley  car  by 
a  delegation  of  descendants  of  George  Washing 
ton,  by  a  four-horse  carriage,  with  postilions  and 
things,  and  driven  to  the  old  house,  and  received 
with  some  distinction,  as  dad  had  always  been  an 
admirer  of  George  Washington,  and  had  pointed 
with  pride  to  his  record  as  a  statesman  and  a 
soldier,  but  all  we  saw  was  a  bunch  of  negroes, 
who  told  us  which  way  to  walk,  and  charged  us 
ten  cents  apiece  for  the  information. 

At  Mount  Vernon  we  found  the  old  house 
where  George  lived  and  died,  where  Martha  told 
him  to  wipe  his  feet  before  he  came  in  the  house, 
and  saw  that  things  were  cooked  properly.  We 
saw  pictures  of  revolutionary  scenes  and  men  of 
that  period,  relics  of  the  days  when  George  was 
the  whole  thing  around  there.  We  saw  the  bed 
on  which  George  died,  and  then  we  went  down 
to  the  icehouse  and  looked  through  the  fence  and 
saw  the  marble  coffins  in  which  George  and  Mar 
tha  were  sealed  up.  Say,  old  man,  I  know  you 
haven't  got  much  reverence,  but  you.couldn't  look 
through  that  fence  at  what  remains  of  the  father 
of  his  country  without  taking  off  your  hat  and 
thinking  good  things  while  you  were  there. 

I  was  surprised  at  dad;  he  cried,  though  he 
never  met  George  Washington  in  all  his  life.  I 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

have  seen  dad  at  funerals  at  home,  when  he  was 
a  bearer,  or  a  mourner,  and  he  never  acted  as 
thought  it  affected  him  much,  but  there  at  Mount 
Vernon,  standing  within  eight  feet  of  the  remains 
of  George  Washington,  he  just  lost  his  nerve, 
and  bellered,  and  I  felt  solemn  myself,  like  I  had 
been  kept  in  after  school  when  all  the  boys  were 
going  in  swimming.  If  a  negro  had  not  asked 
dad  for  a  quarter  I  know  dad  would  have  got 
down  on  his  knees  and  been  pious,  but  when  he 
gave  that  negro  a  swift  kick  for  butting  in  with 
a  commercial  proposition,  in  a  sacred  moment, 
dad  come  to,  and  we  went  up  to  the  house  again. 
Dad  said  what  he  wanted  was  to  think  of 
George  Washington  just  as  a  country  farmer,  in 
stead  of  a  general  and  a  president.  He  said  we 
got  nearer  to  George,  if  we  thought  of  him  get 
ting  up  in  the  morning,  putting  on  his  old  farmer 
pants  and  shirt,  and  going  downstairs  in  his 
stocking  feet,  and  going  out  to  the  kitchen  by 
the  wooden  bench,  dipping  a  gourd  full  of  rain 
water  out  of  a  barrel  into  an  earthen  wash  basin 
and  taking  some  soft  soap  out  of  a  dish  and  wash 
ing  himself,  his  shirt  open  so  his  great  hairy 
breast  would  catch  the  breeze,  his  suspenders, 
made  of  striped  bed  ticking,  hanging  down,  his 
hair  touseled  up  until  he  had  taken  out  a  yellow 

52 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

pocket  comb  and  combed  it,  and  then  yelling  to 
Martha  to  know  about  how  long  a  workingman 
would  have  to  wait  for  breakfast.  And  then  dad 
said*  he  liked  to  think  of  George  Washington  sit 
ting  down  at  the  breakfast  table  and  spearing 
sausages  out  of  a  platter,  and  when  a  servant 
brought  in  a  mess  of  these  old-fashioned  buck 
wheat  cakes,  as  big  as  a  pieplate,  see  George,  in 
imagination,  pilot  a  big  one  on  to  his  plate,  and 
cover  it  with  sausage  gravy,  and  eat  like  he  didn't 
have  any  dyspepsia,  and  see  him  help  Martha  to 
buckwheat  cakes,  and  finally  get  up  from  break 
fast  like  a  full  Christian  and  go  out  on  the  farm 
and  count  up  the  happy  slaves  to  see  if  any  of 
them  had  got  away  during  the  night. 

By  ginger,  dad  inspired  me  with  new  thoughts 
about  the  father  of  his  country.  I  had  always 
thought  of  Washington  as  though  he  was  con 
stantly  crossing  the  Delaware  in  a  skiff,  through 
floating  ice,  with  a  cocked  hat  on,  and  his  coat 
flaps  trimmed  with  buff  nankeen  stuff,  a  sort  of  a 
male  Eliza  in  "  Uncle  Tom's  Cabin,"  getting 
away  from  the  hounds  that  were  chasing  her  to 
chew  her  pants.  I  was  always  thinking  of  George 
either  chopping  cherry  trees,  or  standing  on  a 
pedestal  to  have  his  picture  taken,  but  here  at  the 
old  farm,  with  dad  to  inspire  me,  I  was  just  min- 

53 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

gling  with  Washington,  the  planter,  the  neigh 
bor,  telling  the  negroes  where  they  would  get  off 
at  if  they  didn't  pick  cotton  fast  enough,  or  break 
ing  colts,  or  going  to  the  churn  and  drinking 
a  quart  of  buttermilk,  and  getting  the  stomach 
ache,  and  calling  upstairs  to  Martha,  who  was 
at  the  spinning  wheel,  or  knitting  woolen  socks, 
and  asking  her  to  fix  up  a  brandy  smash  to  cure 
his  griping  pains.  I  thought  of  the  father  of 
his  country  taking  a  severe  cold,  and  not  being 
able  to  run  into  a  drug  store  for  a  bottle  of  cough 
sirup,  or  a  quinine  pill,  having  Martha  fix  a  tub 
of  hot  mustard  water  to  soak  those  great  feet  of 
his,  and  bundle  him  up  in  a  flannel  blanket,  give 
him  a  hot  whisky,  and  put  him  to  bed  with  a  hot 
brick  at  his  feet. 

Then,  when  I  looked  at  a  duck  blind  out  in  the 
Potomac,  near  the  shore,  I  thought  how  George 
used  to  put  on  an  old  coat  and  slouch  hat  and  take 
his  gun  and  go  out  in  the  blind,  and  shoot  can 
vas-back  ducks  for  dinner,  and  paddle  his  boat  out 
after  the  dead  birds,  the  way  Grover  Cleveland 
did  a  century  later.  I  tell  you,  old  man,  the  way 
to  appreciate  our  great  statesmen,  soldiers  and 
scholars  is  to  think  of  them  just  as  plain,  ordinary 
citizens,  doing  the  things  men  do  nowadays.  It 
does  dad  and  I  more  good  to  think  of  Washing- 

54 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ton  and  his  friends  camping  out  down  the  Poto 
mac,  on  a  fishing  trip,  sleeping  on  a  bed  of  pine 
boughs,  and  cooking  their  own  pork,  and  roasting 
sweet  potatoes  in  the  ashes,  eating  with  appetites 
like  slaves,  than  to  think  of  him  at  a  state  dinner 
in  the  white  house,  with  a  French  cook  disguis 
ing  the  food  so  they  could  not  tell  what  it  was. 

O,  I  had  rather  have  a  picture  of  George  Wash 
ington  and  Lafayette  coming  up  the  bank  of  the 
Potomac  toward  the  house,  loaded  down  with 
ducks,  and  Martha  standing  on  the  porch  of 
Mount  Vernon  asking  them  who  they  bought 
the  ducks  of  and  how  much  they  cost,  than  to 
have  one  of  those  big  paintings  in  the  white  house 
showing  George  and  Lafayette  looking  as  though 
they  had  conquered  the  world.  If  the  phonograph 
had  been  invented  then,  and  we  could  listen  to  the 
conversation  of  those  men,  just  as  they  said 
things,  it  would  be  great.  Imagine  George  say 
ing  to  Lafayette,  so  you  could  hear  it  now: 
"  Lafe,  that  last  shot  at  that  canvasback  you 
made  was  the  longest  shot  ever  made  on  the  Po 
tomac.  It  was  a  Jim  dandy,  you  old  frog  eater," 
and  imagine  Lafayette  replying:  '  You  bet  your 
life,  George,  I  nailed  that  buck  canvasback  with 
a  charge  of  number  six  shot,  and  he  never  knew 
what  struck  him."  But  they  didn't  have  any  pho- 

55 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

nographs  in  those  days  and  so  you  have  got  to 
imagine  things. 

How  would  Washington's  farewell  address 
sound  now  in  a  phonograph,  or  some  of  George's 
choice  swear  words  at  a  slave  that  had  ridden  a 
sore-backed  mule  down  to  Alexandria  after  a  jug 
of  rum.  I  would  like  to  run  a  phonograph  show 
with  nothing  in  the  machine  but  ancient  talk  from 
George  Washington,  but  we  can  have  no  such  luck 
unless  George  is  born  again. 

Old  man,  if  you  ever  get  a  furlough  from  busi 
ness,  you  go  down  to  Mount  Vernon  and  revel  in 
memories  of  the  father  of  his  country.  If  you 
go,  hunt  up  a  negro  with  a  hair  lip,  that  is  a  ser 
vant  there,  and  who  used  to  be  Washington's 
body  servant,  unless  he  is  a  liar,  and  tell  him  I  sent 
you  and  he  won't  do  a  thing  to  you,  for  a  dollar  or 
so.  I  told  that  negro  that  dad  was  a  great  gen 
eral,  a  second  Washington,  and  he  wore  all  the 
skin  off  his  bald  head  taking  off  his  hat  to  dad 
every  time  dad  looked  at  him,  and  he  bowed  until 
his  back  ached,  but  when  we  were  going  away, 
and  dad  asked  me  what  ailed  the  old  monkey  to 
act  that  way,  the  old  negro  thought  these  new 
Washingtons  were  a  pretty  tough  lot. 

All  the  time  at  Mount  Vernon  I  couldn't  get 
up  meanness  enough  to  play  any  trick  on  dad,  but 

56 


7  slipped  it  down  the  back  of  Dad's  pants." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

I  picked  up  a  sort  of  a  horse  chestnut  or  some 
thing,  with  prickers  on  it  as  sharp  as  needles,  and 
as  we  were  getting  on  the  trolley  I  slipped  it  down 
the  back  of  dad's  pants,  near  where  his  suspen 
ders  button  on,  and  by  the  time  we  sat  down  in 
the  car  the  horse  chestnut  had  worked  down 
where  dad  is  the  largest,  and  when  he  leaned  back 
against  the  seat  he  turned  pale  and  wiggled 
around  and  asked  me  if  he  looked  bad.  I  told 
him  he  looked  like  a  corpse,  which  encouraged 
him  so  he  almost  fainted.  He  asked  me  if  I  had 
heard  of  any  contagious  diseases  that  were  prev 
alent  in  Virginia,  'cause  he  felt  as  though  he  had 
caught  something.  I  told  him  I  would  ask  the 
conductor,  so  I  went  and  asked  the  conductor 
what  time  we  got  to  Washington,  and  then  I  went 
back  to  dad  and  told  him  the  conductor  said  there 
was  no  disease  of  any  particular  account,  except 
smallpox  and  yellow  fever,  and  that  the  first 
symptom  of  smallpox  was  a  prickling  sensation 
in  the  small  of  the  back. 

Dad  turned  green  and  said  he  had  got  it  all 
right,  and  I  had  the  darndest  time  getting  him 
back  to  the  hotel  at  Washington.  Say,  I  had  to 
help  him  undress,  and  I  took  the  horse  chestnut 
and  put  it  in  the  foot  of  the  bed,  and  got  dad  in, 
and  I  went  downstairs  to  see  a  doctor,  and  then 

58 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

I  came  back  and  told  him  the  doctor  said  if  the 
prickly  sensation  went  to  his  feet  he  was  in  no 
danger  from  smallpox,  as  it  was  an  evidence  that 
an  old  vaccination  of  years  ago  had  got  in  its 
work  and  knocked  the  disease  out  of  his  system 
lengthwise,  and  when  I  told  dad  that  he  raised  up 
in  bed  and  said  he  was  saved,  for  ever  since  I 
went  out  of  the  room  he  had  felt  that  same  dread 
ed  prickling  at  work  on  his  feet,  and  he  was  all 
right. 

I  told  dad  it  was  a  narrow  escape  and  that  it 
ought  to  be  a  warning  to  him.  Dad  has  to  wear 
a  dress  suit  to  dinner  here  and  cough  up  money 
every  time  he  turns  around,  'cause  I  have  told 
the  bell  boys  dad  is  a  bonanza  copper  king,  and 
they  are  not  doing  a  thing  to  dad. 

O,  I  guess  I  am  doing  just  as  the  doctors  at 
home  ordered,  in  keeping  dad's  mind  occupied. 

Well,  so  long,  old  man,  I  have  got  to  go  to 
dinner  with  dad,  and  I  am  going  to  order  the 
dinner  myself,  dad  said  I  could,  and  if  I  don't 
put  him  into  bankruptcy,  you  don't  know  your 
little  Hennery. 


59 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  V. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Have  Dinner  at  the  Wal 
dorf-Astoria — The  Bad  Boy  Orders  Dinner — The 
Old  Man  Gets  Stuck — Tries  to  Rescue  a 
Countess  in  Distress. 

Waldorf-Astoria,  New  York. — Dear  Uncle 
Ezra:  We  are  still  at  this  tavern,  but  we  don't 
do  anything  but  sleep  here,  and  stay  around  in  the 
lobby  evenings  to  let  people  look  at  us,  and  dad 
wears  that  old  swallow-tail  coat  he  had  before 
the  war,  but  he  has  got  a  new  silk  hat,  since  we 
got  here;  one  of  these  shiny  ones  that  is  so  slick 
it  makes  his  clothes  look  offul  bum.  We  about 
went  broke  on  the  first  supper  we  had,  or  dinner 
they  call  it  here.  You  see,  dad  thought  this  was 
about  a  three-dollar-a-day  house,  and  that  the 
meals  were  included,  like  they  do  at  Oshkosh,  and 
so  when  we  went  down  to  dinner  dad  said  we 
wouldn't  do  a  thing  to  old  Astor.  He  let  me  or 
der  the  dinner,  but  told  me  to  order  everything 
on  the  bill-of-sale,  because  we  wanted  to  get  the 
worth  of  our  three  dollars  a  day.  Well,  honest, 
I  couldn't  order  all  there  was,  'cause  you  couldn't 
have  got  it  all  on  a  billiard  table.  Say,  that  list 

61 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

they  gave  me  had  everything  on  it  that  was  ever 
et  or  drunk,  but  I  told  dad  they  would  fire  us  out 
if  we  ordered  the  whole  prescription,  so  all  I  or 
dered  was  terrapin,  canvasback  duck,  oysters, 
clams,  crabs,  a  lot  of  new  kinds  of  fish,  and  some 
beef  and  mutton,  and  turkey,  and  woodcock,  and 
partridge,  and  quail,  and  English  pheasant,  and 
lobster  and  salads  and  ices,  and  pie  and  things, 
just  to  stay  our  stomachs,  and  when  it  came  to 
wine,  dad  weakened,  because  he  didn't  want  to 
set  a  bad  example  to  me,  so  he  ordered  hard 
cider  for  hisself  and  asked  me  if  I  wanted  any 
thing  to  drink,  and  I  ordered  brown  pop.  You'd 
a  been  tickled  to  see  the  waiter  when  he  took  that 
order,  'cause  I  don't  s'pose  anybody  ever  ordered 
cider  and  brown  pop  there  since  Astor  skinned 
muskrats  for  a  living,  when  he  was  a  trapper 
up  north.  Gosh,  but  when  they  brought  that  din 
ner  in,  you  ought  to  have  seen  the  sensation  it  cre 
ated.  Most  of  the  people  in  the  great  dining  hall 
looked  at  dad  as  though  he  was  a  Crases,  or  a 
Rockefeller,  and  the  head  waiter  bowed  low  to 
dad,  and  dad  thought  it  was  Astor,  and  dad 
looked  dignified  and  hurt  at  being  spoken  to  by  a 
common  tavern  keeper.  Well,  we  et  and  et,  but 
we  couldn't  get  away  with  hardly  any  of  it,  and 
dad  wanted  to  wrap  some  of  the  duck  and  lobsters 

62 


'The  waiter  brought  Dad  the  check." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

and  things  in  a  newspaper  and  take  it  to  the 
room  for  a  lunch,  but  the  waiter  wouldn't  have  it. 
But  the  cyclone  struck  the  house  when  dad  and  I 
got  up  to  go  out  of  the  dining-room,  and  the 
waiter  brought  dad  the  check. 

"What  is  this?"  said  dad,  as  he  put  on  his 
glasses  and  looked  at  the  check  which  was  $43 
and  over. 

"  Dinner  check,  sir,"  said  the  waiter,  as  he 
straightened  back  and  held  out  his  hand. 

"  Why,  ain't  this  house  run  on  the  American 
plan  ?  "  said  dad,  as  his  chin  began  to  tremble. 

"  No,  sir,  on  the  Irish  plan,"  said  the  waiter. 
"  You  pays  for  what  you  borders,"  and  dad  began 
to  dig  up.  He  looked  at  me  as  though  I  was  to 
blame,  when  he  told  me  to  order  all  there  was 
in  sight.  Well,  I  have  witnessed  heart-rending 
scenes,  but  I  never  saw  anything  that  would  draw 
tears  like  dad  digging  down  for  that  $43.  The 
doctors  at  home  had  ordered  excitement  for  dad, 
but  this  seemed  to  be  an  overdose,  and  I  was 
afraid  he  would  collapse  and  I  offered  him  my 
glass  of  brown  pop  to  stimulate  him,  but  he  told 
me  I  could  go  plumb,  and  if  I  spoke  to  him  again 
he  would  maul  me.  He  got  his  roll  half  out  of  his 
pistol  pocket,  and  then  talked  loud  and  said  it 
was  a  damoutridge,  and  he  wanted  to  see  Astor 

64 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

himself  before  he  would  allow  himself  to  be  held 
up  by  highwaymen,  and  then  all  the  other  diners 
stood  up  and  looked  at  dad,  and  a  lot  of  waiters 
and  bouncers  surrounded  him,  and  then  he  pulled 
out  the  roll,  and  it  was  pitiful  to  see  him  wet  his 
trembling  thumb  on  his  trembling  dry  tongue 
and  begin  to  peel  off  the  bills,  like  you  peel  the 
layers  off  an  onion,  but  he  got  off  enough  to  pay 
for  the  dinner,  gave  the  waiter  half  a  dollar,  and 
smiled  a  sickly  smile  at  the  head  waiter,  and  I  led 
him  out  of  the  dining-room  a  broken-down  old 
man.  As  we  got  to  the  lobby,  where  the  horse 
show  of  dress-suit  chappies  was  beginning  the 
evening  procession,  I  said  to  dad :  "  Next  time 
we  will  dine  out,  I  guess,"  and  at  that  he  rallied 
and  seemed  to  be  able  to  take  a  joke,  for  he  said : 
"  We  dined  out  this  time.  We  dined  out  $43," 
and  then  we  joined  the  procession  of  walkers 
around,  and  tried  to  look  prosperous,  and  after 
awhile  dad  called  a  bell  boy,  and  asked  him  if 
there  wasn't  a  good  dairy  lunch  counter  near  the 
Waldorf,  where  a  man  could  go  and  get  a  bowl 
of  bread  and  milk,  and  the  bell  boy  gave  him  the 
address  of  a  dairy  lunch  place,  and  I  can  see  my 
finish,  'cause  from  this  out  we  will  probably  live 
on  bread  and  milk  while  we  are  here,  and  I  hate 
bread  and  milk. 

65 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

It  got  all  around  the  hotel,  about  the  expensive 
dinner  dad  ordered  for  himself  and  the  little  heir 
to  his  estate,  and  everybody  wanted  to  get  ac 
quainted  with  dad  and  try  to  get  some  stock  in  his 
copper  mine.    I  had  told  dad  about  my  telling  the 
boys  he  was  a  bonanza  copper  miner,  and  he  nev 
er  batted  an  eye  when  they  asked  him  about  his 
mine,  and  he  looked  the  part.    One  man  wanted 
dad  to  cash  a  check,  'cause  the  bank  was  closed, 
and  he  was  a  rich-looking  duke,  and  dad  was  just 
going  to  get  his  roll  out  and  peel  off  some  more 
onion,  when  I  said :     "  Not  on  your  tintype,  Mr. 
Duke,"  and  dad  left  his  roll  in  his  pocket,  and  the 
duke  gave  me  a  look  as  though  he  wanted  to 
choke  me,  and  went  away,  saying :      '  There  is 
Mr.  Pierpont  Morgan,  and  I  can  get  him  to  cash 
it."    I  saved  dad  over  a  hundred  dollars  on  that 
scheme,  and  so  we  are  making  money  every  min 
ute.    We  went  to  our  room  early,  so  dad  could 
digest  his  $43  worth  of  glad  food. 

Gee,  but  this  house  got  ripped  up  the  back  be 
fore  morning.  You  remember  I  told  you  about 
a  countess,  or  a  duchess,  or  some  kind  of  high- 
up  female  that  had  a  room  next  to  our  room. 
Well,  she  is  a  beaut,  from  Butte,  Mont.,  or  Cuba, 
or  somewhere,  for  she  acts  like  a  queen  that  has 
just  stepped  off  her  throne  for  a  good  time.  She 

66 


Wanted  Dad  to  cash  a  check,  cause  the  bank  -was  closed. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

has  got  a  French  maid  that  is  a  peacharino.  You 
know  that  horse  chestnut,  with  the  prickers  on, 
that  I  put  in  dad's  pants  at  Washington.  Well,  I 
have  still  got  it,  and  as  it  gets  dry  the  prickers 
are  sharper  than  needles,  sharper  even  than  a 
servant's  tooth,  as  it  says  in  the  good  book.  I 
thought  I  would  give  dad  a  run  for  his  money, 
'cause  exercise  and  excitement  are  good  for  a 
man  that  dined  heartily  on  $43  worth  of  rich 
food,  so  when  we  went  to  our  room  I  told  dad 
that  I  was  satisfied  from  what  a  bell  boy  told  me 
that  the  countess  in  the  next  room,  who  had  gold 
cords  over  her  shoulders  for  suspenders,  was 
stuck  on  him,  because  she  was  always  inquiring 
who  the  lovely  old  gentleman  was  with  the  sweet 
little  boy.  Dad  he  got  so  interested  that  he  for 
got  to  cuss  me  about  ordering  that  dinner,  and  he 
said  he  had  noticed  her,  and  would  like  real  well 
to  get  acquainted  with  her,  'cause  a  man  far  away 
from  home,  sick  as  a  dog,  with  no  loving  wife  to 
look  after  him,  needed  cheerful  company.  So  I 
told  him  I  had  it  all  arranged  for  him  to  meet 
her,  and  then  I  went  out  in  the  hall,  sort  of  whist 
ling  around,  and  the  French  maid  came  out  and 
broke  some  English  for  me,  and  we  got  real  chum 
my,  'cause  she  was  anxious  to  learn  English,  and 
I  wanted  to  learn  some  French  words ;  so  she  in- 

68 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

vited  me  into  the  room,  and  we  sat  on  the  sofa 
and  exchanged  words  quite  awhile,  until  she  was 
called  to  the  telephone  in  the  other  room.  Say, 
you  ought  to  have  seen  me.  I  jumped  up  and  put 
my  hand  inside  the  sheets  of  the  bed,  and  put  that 
chestnut  in  there,  right  about  the  middle  of  the 
bed,  and  then,  after  learning  French  quite  a  spell, 
with  the  maid,  we  heard  the  countess  getting  off' 
the  elevator,  and  the  maid  said  I  must  skip,  'cause 
it  was  the  countess'  bed-time,  and  I  went  back 
and  told  dad  the  whole  thing  was  arranged  for 
him  to  meet  the  countess,  in  a  half  an  hour  or 
so,  as  she  had  to  write  a  few  letters  to  some  kings 
and  dukes,  and  when  she  gave  a  little  scream,- 
as  though  she  was  practicing  her  voice  on  an 
opera,  or  something,  dad  was  to  go  and  rap  at 
the  door.  Gosh,  but  I  was  sorry  for  dad,  for. 
he  was  so  nervous  and  anxious  for  the  half  hour 
to  expire  that  he  walked  up  and  down  the  room, 
and  looked  at  himself  in  the  mirror,  and  acted 
like  he  had  indigestion.  I  had  told  the  maid  that 
she  and  the  countess  must  feel  perfectly  safe,  if 
anything  ever  happened,  'cause  my  dad  was  the 
bravest  man  in  the  world,  and  he  would  rush  to 
the  rescue  of  the  countess,  if  a  burglar  got  in  in 
the  night,  or  the  water  pipes  busted,  or  anything, 
and  all  she  had  to  do  was  to  screech  twice  and  dad 

69 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

would  be  on  deck,  and  she  must  open  the  door 
quicker-n  scat,  and  she  thanked  me,  and  said  she 
would,  and  for  me  to  come,  too.  Say,  on  the  dead, 
wasn't  that  a  plot  for  an  amateur  to  cook  up? 
Well,  sir,  we  had  to  wait  so  long  for  the  countess 
to  get  on  the  horse  chestnut  that  I  got  nervous 
myself,  but  after  awhile  there  came  a  scream  that 
would  raise  your  hair,  and  I  told  dad  the  countess 
was  singing  the  opera.  Dad  said :  "  Hennery, 
that  ain't  no  opera,  that's  tragedy,"  but  she  gave 
two  or  three  more  stanzas,  and  I  told  dad  he  bet 
ter  hustle,  and  we  went  out  in  the  hall  and  rapped 
at  the  door  of  the  countess'  room,  and  the  maid 
opened  it,  and  told  us  to  send  for  a  doctor  and  a 
policeman,  'cause  the  countess  was  having  a  fit. 
Well,  say,  that  was  the  worst  ever.  The  countess 
had  jumped  out  of  bed,  and  was  pulling  the  lace 
curtains  around  her,  but  dad  thought  she  was 
crazy,  and  was  going  to  jump  out  of  the  window, 
and  he  made  a  grab  for  her,  and  he  shouted  to  her 
to  "  be  cam,  be  cam,  poor  woman,  and  I  will  res 
cue  you."  I  tried  to  pacify  the  maid  the  best  I 
knew  how,  and  dad  was  getting  the  countess 
calmer,  but  she  evidently  thought  he  was  an  as 
sassin,  for  every  little  while  she  would  yell  for 
help,  and  then  the  night  watchman  came  in  with 
a  house  policeman,  and  one  of  them  choked  dad 

70 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


off,  and  they  asked  the  countess  what  the  trouble 
was,  and  she  said  she  had  just  retired  when  she 
was  stabbed  about  a  hundred  times  in  the  small 
of  the  back  with  a  poniard,  and  she  knew  con- 


And  then  the  night  watchman  came  in  with  the  house  policeman 
and  choked  Dad  off. 

spirators  were  assassinating  her,  and  she 
screamed,  and  this  old  bandit,  meaning  dad,  came 
in,  and  the  little  monkey,  meaning  me,  had  held 
his  hand  over  her  maid's  mouth,  so  she  could  not 
make  any  outcry. 

71 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

Well,  I  got  my  horse  chestnut  all  right,  out  of 
the  bed,  and  the  policeman  told  the  countess  not 
to  be  alarmed,  and  go  back  to  bed,  and  they  took 
dad  and  I  to  our  room,  and  asked  us  all  about  it. 
Gee,  but  dad  put  up  a  story  about  hearing  a  wom 
an  scream  in  the  next  room,  and,  thinking  only  of 
the  duty  of  a  gentleman  under  the  circumstances, 
rushed  to  her  rescue,  and  all  there  was  to  it  was 
that  she  must  have  had  a  nightmare,  but  he  said  if 
he  had  it  to  do  over  again,  he  would  do  the  same. 
Anyway,  the  policeman  believed  dad,  and  they 
went  off  and  left  us,  and  we  went  to  bed,  but  dad 
said :  "  Hennery,  you  understand,  I  don't  want 
to  make  any  more  female  acquaintances,  see, 
among  the  crowned  heads,  and  from  this  out  we 
mingle  only  with  men.  The  idea  of  me  going  in 
to  a  woman's  room  and  finding  a  Floradora  with 
fits  and  tantrums,  and  me,  a  sick  man.  Now, 
don't  write  to  your  ma  about  this,  'cause  she  nev 
er  did  have  much  confidence  in  me,  around  wom 
en  with  fits."  So,  Uncle  Ezra,  you  must  not  let 
this  get  into  the  papers,  see  ? 

Well,  we  have  bought  our  tickets  for  Liverpool, 
and  shall  sail  to-morrow,  and  while  you  are  mak 
ing  up  your  cash  account  Saturday  night,  we 
shall  be  on  the  ocean.  I  s'pose  I  will  write  you 
on  the  boat,  if  they  will  tie  it  up  somewhere  so  it 
will  stand  level.  Your  dear  boy.  HENNERY. 

72 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  VI. 

The   Bad   Boy   Writes  the   Old   Groceryman  About 

Ocean  Voyages — His  Dad  Has  an  Argument 

Over  a  Steamer  Chair. 

ON  BOARD  THE  LUCINIA,  MID-OCEAN. 
DEAR  OLD  GEEZER. 

I  take  the  first  opportunity,  since  leaving  New 
York,  to  write  you,  'cause  the  boat,  after  three 
days  out,  has  got  settled  down  so  it  runs  level, 
and  I  can  write  without  wrapping  my  legs  around 
the  table  legs,  to  hold  me  down.  I  have  tried  a 
dozen  times  to  write,  but  the  sea  was  so  rough 
that  part  of  the  time  the  table  was  on  top  of  me 
and  part  of  the  time  I  was  on  top,  and  I  was  so 
sick  I  seem  to  have  lost  my  mind,  over  the  rail, 
with  the  other  things  supposed  to  be  inside  of 
me.  O,  old  man,  you  think  you  know  what  sea 
sickness  is,  'cause  you  told  me  once  about  cross 
ing  Lake  Michigan  on  a  peach  boat,  but  lake 
sickness  is  easy  compared  with  the  ocean  mal 
ady.  I  could  enjoy  common  seasickness  and  think 
it  was  a  picnic,  but  this  salt  water  sickness  takes 
the  cake.  I  am  sorry  for  dad,  because  he  holds 
more  than  I  do,  and  he  is  so  slow  about  giving  up 

73 


"I'm  torry  about  Dad,  cause  he  holds  more  than  I  do  and  he  is 
slow  about  giving  up  meals  he  paid  for." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

\ 

meals  that  he  has  paid  for,  that  it  takes  him 
longer  to  commune  with  nature,  and  he  groans 
so,  and  swears  some.  I  don't  see  how  a  person 
can  swear  when  he  is  seasick  on  the  ocean,  with 
no  sure  thing  that  he  will  ever  see  land  again, 
and  a  good  prospect  of  going  to  the  bottom,  where 
you  got  to  die  in  the  arms  of  a  devil  fish,  with 
a  shark  biting  pieces  out  of  your  tender  loin  and 
a  smoked  halibut  waiting  around  for  his  share  of 
your  corpse,  and  whales  blowing  syphons  of 
water  and  kicking  because  they  are  so  big  that 
they  can't  get  at  you  to  chew  cuds  of  human  gum, 
and  porpoises  combing  your  damp  hair  with  their 
fine  tooth  comb  fins,  and  sword  fish  and  saw 
tooth  piscatorial  carpenters  sawing  off  steaks. 
Gee,  but  it  makes  me  crawl.  I  once  saw  a  dead 
dog  in  the  river,  with  bull  heads  and  dog-fish 
ripping  him  up  the  back,  and  I  keep  thinking  I 
had  rather  be  that  dog,  in  a  nice  river  at  home, 
with  bullheads  that  I  knew  chewing  me  at  their 
leisure,  than  to  be  a  dead  boy  miles  down  in  the 
ocean,  with  strange  fish  and  sea  serpents  quar 
reling  over  the  tender  pieces  in  me.  A  man  told 
me  that  if  you  smoke  cigarets  and  get  saturated 
with  nickoteen,  and  you  are  drownded,  the  fish 
will  smell  of  you,  and  turn  up  their  noses  and  go 
away  and  leave  your  remains,  so  I  tried  a  cigaret. 

75 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

and,  gosh,  but  I  had  rather  be  et  by  fish  than 
smoke  another,  on  an  ocean  steamer.  It  only 
added  to  my  sickness,  and  I  had  enough  before. 
I  prayed  some,  when  the  boat  stood  on  its  head 
and  piled  us  all  up  in  the  front  end,  but  a  chair 
struck  me  on  the  place  where  Fitzsimmons  hit 
Corbett,  and  knocked  the  prayer  all  out  of  me, 
-and  when  the  boat  stood  on  her  butt  end  and  we 
all  slid  back  the  whole  length  of  the  cabin,  and 
I  brought  up  under  the  piano,  I  tried  to  sing  a 
hymn,  such  as  I  used  to  in  the  'Piscopal  choir, 
before  my  voice  changed,  but  the  passengers  who 
were  alive  yelled  for  some  one  to  choke  me,  and 
I  didn't  sing  any  more.  Dad  was  in  the  state 
room  when  we  were  rolling  back  and  forth  in 
the  cabin,  and  between  sicknesses  he  came  out  to 
catch  me  and  take  me  into  the  stateroom,  but  he 
got  the  rolling  habit,  too,  and  he  rolled  a  match 
with 'an  actress  who  was  voyaging  for  her  health, 
and  they  got  offully  mixed  up.  He  tried  to  rescue 
her,  and  grabbed  hold  of  her  belt  and  was  reeling 
her  in  all  right,  when  a  man  who  said  he  was  her 
husband  took  dad  by  the  neck  and  said  he  must 
keep  his  hands  off  or  get  another  nose  put  on  be 
side  the  one  he  had,  and  then  they  all  rolled  under 
a  sofa,  and  how  it  came  out  I  don't  know,  but  the 
next  morning  dad's  eye  was  blacked,  and  the  fel- 

76 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

low  who  said  he  was  her  husband  had  his  front 
teeth  knocked  out,  and  the  actress  lost  her  back 
hair  and  had  to  wear  a  silk  handkerchief  tied 
around  her  head  the  rest  of  the  trip,  and  she 
looked  like  a  hired  girl  who  has  been  out  to  a 
saloon  dance. 

The  trouble  with  dad  is  that  he  butts  in  too 
much.  He  thinks  he  is  the  whole  thing  and 
thinks  every  crowd  he  sees  is  a  demonstration 
for  him.  When  the  steamer  left  New  York,  there 
were  hundreds  of  people  on  the  dock  to  see 
friends  off,  and  they  had  flowers  to  present  to  the 
friends,  and  dad  thought  they,  were  all  for  him, 
and  he  reached  for  every  bunch  of  roses  that  was 
brought  aboard,  and  was  going  to  return  thanks 
for  them,  when  they  were  jerked  away  from  him, 
and  he  looked  hurt.  When  the  gang  plank  was 
pulled  in,  and  the  boat  began  to  wheeze,  and 
grunt,  and  move  away  from  the  dock,  and  dad 
saw  the  crowd  waving  handkerchiefs  and  laugh 
ing,  and  saying  bon  voyage,  he  thought  they 
were  doing  it  all  for  him,  and  he  started  in  to 
make  a  speech,  thanking  his  fellow  countrymen 
for  coming  to  see  him  off,  and  promising  them 
that  he  would  prove  a  true  representative  of  his 
beloved  country  in  his  travels  abroad,  and  that 
he  would  be  true  to  the  stars  and  stripes  where- 

77 


I  \     M    x 

i  \  \  \  • x 


"Started  in  to  make  a  speech  thanking  his  fellow  countrymen  fc 
coming  to  see  him  off" 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ever  fortune  might  place  him,  and  all  that  rot, 
when  the  boat  got  so  far  away  they  could  not 
hear  him,  and  then  he  came  off  his  perch,  and  said, 
''Hennery,  that  little  impromptu  demonstration 
to  your  father,  on  the  eve  of  his  departure  from 
his  native  land,  perhaps  never  to  return,  ought 
to  be  a  deep  and  lasting  lesson  to  you,  and  to 
show  vou  that  the  estimation  in  which  I  am  held 

m> 

by  our  people,  is  worth  millions  to  you,  and  you 
can  point  with  pride  to  your  father."  I  said 
"rats"  and  dad  said  he  wouldn't  wonder  if  the 
boat  was  full  of  rats,  and  then  we  stood  on  deck, 
and  watched  the  objects  of  interest  down  the  bay. 
As  we  passed  the  statue  of  Liberty,  which  France 
gave  to  the  republic,  on  Bedloe's  Island,  dad 
started  to  make  a  speech  to  the  passengers,  but 
one  of  the  officers  of  the  boat  told  dad  this  was 
no  democratic  caucus,  and  that  choked  him  off, 
but  he  was  loaded  for  a  speech,  and  I  knew  it  was 
only  a  matter  of  time  when  he  would  have  to  fire 
it  off,  but  I  thought  when  we  got  outside  the 
bar,  into  the  ocean,  his  speech  would  come  up  with 
the  rest  of  the  stuff,  and  I  guess  it  did,  for  after 
he  began  to  be  sea  sick  he  had  to  keep  his  mouth 
shut,  which  was  a  great  relief  to  me,  for  I  felt 
that  he  would  say  something  that  would  get  this 
country  in  trouble  with  other  nations,  as  there 

79 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

were  lots  of  foreigners  on  board.  I  heard  that 
J.  Pierpont  Morgan  was  on  board,  and  I  told 
everybody  I  got  in  conversation  with  that  dad 
was  Pierpont  Morgan,  and  when  people  began  to 
call  him  Mr.  Morgan,  I  told  dad  the  passengers 
thought  he  was  Morgan,  the  great  financier,  and 
it  tickled  dad,  and  he  never  denied  it.  Anyway, 
the  captain  put  dad  and  I  at  his  own  table,  and  he 
called  me  "Little  Pierp,"  and  everybody  dis 
cussed  great  financial  questions  with  dad,  and 
everything  would  have  been  lovely  the  whole 
trip,  only  Morgan  came  amongst  us  after  he  had 
been  sea  sick  for  three  days,  and  they  gave  him 
a  seat  opposite  us,  and  with  two  Morgans  at  -the 
same  table  it  was  a  good  deal  like  two  Uncle 
Tom's  in  an  Uncle  Tom's  Cabin  show,  so  dad 
had  to  stay  in  his  stateroom  on  account  of  sick 
ness,  a  good  deal.  Then  dad  got  to  walking  on 
deck  and  flirting  with  the  female  passengers. 
Say,  did  you  ever  see  an  old  man  who  was  stuck 
on  hisself,  and  thought  that  every  woman  who 
looked  at  him,  from  curiosity,  or  because  he  had 
a  wart  on  his  neck,  and  watch  him  get  busy  mak 
ing  'em  believe  he  is  a  young  and  kitteny  thing, 
who  is  irresistible?  Gee,  but  it  makes  me  tired. 
No  man  can  mash,  and  make  eyes,  and  have  a  love 
scene,  when  he  has  to  go  to  the  rail  every  few 

80 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

minutes  and  hump  hisself  with  something  in  him 
that  is  knocking  at  the  door  of  his  palate,  to 
come  out  the  same  way  it  went  in.  Dad  found  a 
widow  woman  who  looked  back  at  him  kind  of 
sassy,  when  he  braced  up  to  her,  and  when  the 
ship  rolled  and  side-stepped,  he  took  hold  of  her 
arm  to  steady  her,  and  she  said  maybe  they  better 
sit  down  on  deck  and  talk  it  over,  so  dad  found 
a  couple  of  steamer  chairs  that  were  not  in  use, 
and  they  sat  down  near  together,  and  dad  took 
hold  of  her  hand  to  see  if  she  was  nervous,  and 
he  told  me  I  could  go  any  play  mumbletypeg  in 
the  cabin,  and  I  went  in  the  cabin  and  looked 
out  of  the  window  at  dad  and  the  widow.  Say, 
you  wouldn't  think  two  chairs  could  get  so  close, 
and  dad  was  sure  love  sick,  and  so  was  she. 
The  difference  between  love  sick  and  sea  sick  is 
that  in  love  sick  you  look  red  in  the  face  and 
snuggle  up,  and  squeeze  hands,  and  look  fondly, 
and  swallow  your  emotion,  and  try  to  wait  pa 
tiently  until  it  is  dark  enough  so  the  spectators 
won't  notice  anything,  and  in  sea  sickness  you 
get  pale  in  the  face,  and  spread  apart,  and  let  go 
of  hands,  and  after  you  have  stood  it  as  long  as 
you  can  you  rush  to  the  rail  and  act  as  though  you 
were  going  to  jump  overboard,  and  then  stop 
sudden  and  let-'er-go-gallagher,  right  before 

81 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

folks,  and  after  it  is  over  you  try  to  look  as 
though  you  had  enjoyed  it.  I  will  say  this  much 
for  dad,  he  and  the  widow  never  played  a  duet 
over  the  rail,  but  they  took  turns,  and  dad  held 
her  as  tenderly  as  though  they  were  engaged, 
and  when  he  got  her  back  to  the  steamer  chair  he 
stroked  her  face  and  put  camphor  to  her  nose,  and 
acted  like  an  undertaker  that  wasn't  going  to  let 
the  remains  get  away  from  him.  They  were  hav 
ing  a  nice  convalescent  time,  just  afore  it  broke 
up,  and  hadn't  either  of  them  been  sick  for  ten 
minutes,  and  dad  had  put  his  arm  around  her 
shoulders,  and  was  talking  cunning  to  her,  and 
she  was  looking  lovingly  into  dad's  eyes,  and 
they  were  talking  of  meeting  again  in  France  in 
a  few  weeks,  where  she  was  going  to  rent  a  villa, 
and  dad  was  saying  he  would  be  there  with  both 
feet,  when  I  opened  the  window  and  said,  "The 
steward  is  bringing  around  a  lunch,  and  I  have 
ordered  two  boiled  pork  sandwiches  for  you  two 
easy  marks."  Well,  you'd  a  dide  to  see  'em  jump. 
What  there  is  about  the  idea  of  fat  pork  that 
makes  people  who  are  sea  sick  have  a  relapse,  I 
don't  know,  but  the  woman  grabbed  her  stum- 
mix  in  both  hands  and  left  dad  and  rushed  into 
the  cabin  yelling  "enough,"  or  something  like 
that,  and  dad  laid  right  back  in  the  chair  and 

82 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

blatted  like  a  calf,  and  said  he  would  kill  me  dead 
when  we  got  ashore.  Just  then  an  Englishman 
came  along  and  told  dad  he  better  get  up  out  of 
his  chair,  and  dad  said  whose  chair  you  talking 
about,  and  the  man  said  the  chair  was  his,  and  if 
dad  didn't  get  out  of  it,  he  would  kick  him  in  the 
pants,  and  dad  said  he  hadn't  had  a  good  chance 
at  an  Englishman  since  the  Revolutionary  war, 
and  he  just  wanted  a  chance  to  clean  up  enough 
Englishmen  for  a  mess,  and  dad  got  up  and  stood 
at  "attention,"  and  the  Englishman  squared  off 
like  a  prize  fighter,  and  they  were  just  going  to 
fight  the  battle  of  Bunker  Hill  over  again,  when 
I  run  up  to  an  officer  with  gold  lace  on  his  coat 
and  lemon  pie  on  his  whiskers,  and  told  him  an 
old  crazy  Yankee  out  on  deck  was  going  to  mur 
der  a  poor  sea  sick  Englishman,  and  the  officer 
rushed  out  and  took  dad  by  the  coat  collar  and 
made  him  quit,  and  when  he  found  what  the 
quarrel  was  about,  he  told  dad  all  the  chairs  were 
private  property  belonging  to  the  passengers, 
and  for  him  to  keep  out  of  them,  and  he  apol 
ogized  to  the  Englishman  and  they  went  into  the 
saloon  and  settled  it  with  high  balls,  and  dad 
beat  the  Englishman  by  drinking  two  high  balls 
to  his  one.  Then  dad  set  into  a  poker  game,  with 
ten  cents  ante,  and  no  limit,  and  they  played  along 

83 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

• 

for  a  while  until  dad  got  four  jacks,  and  he  bet 
five  dollars,  and  a  Frenchman  raised  him  five 
thousand  dollars,  and  dad  laid  down  his  hand 
and  said  the  game  was  too  rich  for  his  blood, 
and  when  he  reached  in  his  vest  pocket  for  mon 
ey  to  pay  for  his  poker  chips  he  found  that  his 
roll  was  gone,  and  he  said  he  would  leave  his 
watch  for  security  until  he  could  go  to  his  state 
room"  and  get  some  money,  and  then  he  found 
that  his  watch  had  been  pinched,  and  the  Eng 
lishman  said  he  would  be  good  for  it,  and  dad 
came  out  in  the  cabin  and  wanted  me  to  help  him 
find  the  widow,  cause  he  said  when  she  laid  her 
head  on  his  shoulder,  to  recover  from  her  sick 
ness,  he  felt  a  fumbling  around  his  vest,  but  he 
thought  it  was  nothing  but  his  stomach  wiggling 
to  get  ready  for  another  engagement,  but  now 
he  knew  she  had  robbed  him.  Say,  dad  and  I 
looked  all  over  that  boat  for  the  widow,  but  she 
simply  had  evaporated.  But  land  is  in  sight,  and 
we  shall  land  at  Liverpool  this  afternoon,  and 
dad  is  going  to  lay  for  the.  widow  at  the  gang 
plank,  and  he  won't  do  a  thing  to  her.  I  guess 
not.  Well,  you  will  hear  from  me  in  London 
next,  and  I'll  tell  you  if  dad  got  his  money  and 
watch  back.  HENNERY. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  VII. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Eat  Fog — Call  on  Astor— 
A  Dynamite  Outrage. 

LONDON,  ENGLAND. 
DEAR  OLD  MAN: 

Well,  sir,  if  a  court  sentenced  me  to  live  in 
this  town,  I  would  appeal  the  case,  and  ask  the 
judge  to  temper  his  sentence  with  mercy,  and 
hang  me.  Say,  the  fog  here  is  so  thick  you  have 
to  feel  around  like  a  blind  goddess,  and  when  you 
show  up  through  the  fog  you  look  about  eighteen 
feet  high,  and  you  are  so  wet  you  want  to  be  run 
through  a  clothes  wringer  every  little  while.  For 
two  days  we  never  left  the  hotel,  but  looked  out 
of  the  windows  waiting  for  the  fog  to  go  by,  and 
watching  the  people  swim  through  it,  without 
turning  a  hair.  Dad  was  for  going  right  to  the 
Lord  Mayor  and  lodging  a  complaint,  and  de 
manding  that  the  fog  be  cleared  off,  so  an  Ameri 
can  citizen  could  go  about  town  and  blow  in  his 
money,  but  I  told  him  he  could  be  arrested  for 
treason.  He  come  mighty  near  being  arrested  on 
the  cars  from  Liverpool  to  London.  When  we 
got  off  the  steamer  and  tried  to  find  the  widow 

85 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

who  robbed  dad  of  his  watch  and  roll  of  money, 
but  never  found  her,  we  were  about  the  last  pas 
sengers  to  reach  the  train,  and  when  we  got 
ready  to  get  on  we  found  these  English  cars 
that  open  on  the  sides,  and  they  put  you  into  a 
box  stall  with  some  other  live  stock,  and  lock  you 
in,  and  once  in  a  while  a  guard  opens  the  door 
to  see  if  you  are  dead  from  suffocation,  or  have 
been  murdered  by  the  other  passengers.  Dad 
kicked  on  going  in  one  of  the  kennels  the  first 
thing,  and  said  he  wanted  a  parlor  car;  but  the 
guard  took  dad  by  the  pants  and  gave  him  a 
shove,  and  tossed  me  in  on  top  of  dad,  and  two 
other  passengers  and  a  woman  in  the  compart 
ment  snickered,  and  dad  wanted  to  fight  all  of 
'em  except  the  woman,  but  he  concluded  to  mash 
her.  When  the  door  closed  dad  told  the  guard  he 
would  walk  on  his  neck  when  the  door  opened, 
and  that  he  was  not  an  entry  in  a  dog  show,  and 
he  wanted  a  kennel  all  to  himself,  and  asked  for 
dog  biscuit.  Gee,  but  that  guard  was  mad,  and 
he  gave  dad  a  look  that  started  the  train  going. 
I  whispered  to  dad  to  get  out  his  revolver,  be 
cause  the  other  passengers  looked  like  hold  up 
men,  and  he  took  his  revolver  out  of  his  satchel 
and  put  it  in  his  pistol  pocket,  and  looked  fierce, 
and  the  woman  began  to  act  faint,  while  the  pas- 

86 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

sengers  seemed  to  be  preparing  to  jump  on  dad 
if  he  got  violent.  When  the  train  stopped  at 
the  first  station  I  got  out  and  told  the  guard  that 
the  old  gentleman  in  there  was  from  Helena, 
Montana,  and  that  he  had  a  reputation  from  St. 
Paul  to  Portland,  and  then  I  held  up  both  hands 
the  way  train  robbers  make  passengers  hold  up 
their  hands.  When  I  went  back  in  the  car  dad 
was  talking  to  the  woman  about  her  resembling  a 
woman  he  used  to  know  in  the  states,  and  he 
was  just  going  to  ask  her  how  long  she  had  been 
so  beautiful,  when  the  guard  came  to  the  side 
door  and  called  the  woman  out  into  another  stall, 
and  then  one  of  the  passengers  pulled  out  a  pair 
of  handcuffs  and  told  dad  he  might  as  well  sur 
render,  because  he  was  a  Scotland  yard  detective 
and  had  spotted  dad  as  an  American  embezzler, 
and  if  he  drew  that  gun  he  had  in  his  pocket 
there  would  be  a  dead  Yankee  in  about  four  min 
utes.  Well,  I  thought  dad  had  nerve  before,  but 
he  beat  the  band,  right  there.  He  unbuttoned  his 
overcoat  and  put  his  finger  on  a  Grand  Army 
button  in  his  buttonhole,  and  said,  "Gentlemen, 
I  am  an  American  citizen,  visiting  the  crowned 
heads  of  the  old  world,  with  credentials  from  the 
President  of  the  United  States,  and  day  after  to 
morrow  I  have  a  date  to  meet  your  king,  on  offi- 

87 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

cial  business  that  means  much  to  the  future  peace 
of  our  respective  countries.    Lay  a  hand  on  me 
and  you  hang  from  the  yard  arm  of  an  American 
battleship."    Well,  sir,  I  have  seen  a  good  many 
bluffs  in  my  time,  but  I  never  saw  the  equal  of 
that,  for  the  detective  turned  white,  and  apol 
ogized,  and  asked  dad  and  I  out  to  luncheon  at 
the  next  station,  and  we  went  and  ate  all  there 
was,  and  when  the  time  was  up  the  detective  dis 
appeared  and  dad  had  to  pay  for  the  luncheon, 
but  he  kicked  all  the  way  to  London,  and  the 
guard  would  not  listen  to  his  complaints,  but  told 
him  if  he  tried  to  hold  up  the  train  he  would  be 
thrown  out  the  window  and  run  over  by  the  train. 
We  had  the  compartment  to  ourselves  the  rest  of 
the  way  to  London,  except  about  an  hour,  when 
the  guard  shoved  in  a  farmer  who  smelled  like 
cows,  and  dad  tried  to  get  in  a  quarrel  with  him, 
about  English  roast  beef  coming  from  America, 
but  the  man  didn't  have  his  arguing  clothes  on, 
so  dad  began  to  find  fault  with  me,  and  the  man 
told  dad  to  let  up  on  the  kid  or  he  would  punch 
his  bloody  'ed  off.    That  settled  it,  when  the  man 
dropped  his  "h,"  dad  thought  he  was  one  of  the 
nobility,  and  he  got  quite  chummy  with  the  Eng 
lishman,  and  then  we  got  to  London,  and  dad  had 
a  quarrel  about  his  baggage,  and  after  threaten- 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ing  to  have  a  lot  of  fights  he  got  his  trunk  on  the 
roof  of  a  cab,  and  in  about  an  hour  we  got  to  the 
hotel,  and  then  the  fog  began  an  engagement.  If 
the  fog  here  ever  froze  stiff,  the  town  would  look 
like  a  piece  of  ice  with  fish  frozen  in.  Gee,  but  I 
would  like  to  have  it  freeze  in  front  of  our  hotel, 
so  I  could  take  an  ax  and  go  out  and  chop  a  frozen 
girl  out,  and  thaw  her  till  she  came  to. 

Say,  old  man,  if  anybody  ever  wants  to  treat 
you  to  a  trip  to  Europe,  don't  come  here,  but  go 
to  some  place  where  they  don't  think  they  can 
speak  English.  You  can  understand  a  Nitalian  or 
a  Frenchman,  or  a  Dutchman,  who  can't  speak 
English,  and  knows  he  can't,  better  than  you  can 
an  Englishman  who  thinks  he  can  speak  Eng 
lish,  and  can't,  "don't  you  know."  Everything  is 
"don't  you  know."  If  a  servant  gives  you  an 
evening  paper,  he  says,  "'Ere's  your  paiper,  don't 
you  know,"  and  if  a  man  should — I  don't  say  they 
would,  but  if  a  man  should  give  you  a  civil  an 
swer,  when  you  asked  him  the  name  of  a  street, 
he  would  look  at  you  as  though  you  were  a  canni 
bal,  and  say,  "Regent  street,  don't  you  know," 
and  then  he  would  act  as  though  you  had  broken 
him  of  his  rest.  Dad  asked  more  than  a  dozen 
men  where  Bill  Astor  lived,  and  of  all  the  popu 
lation  of  London  I  don't  believe  anybody  knows, 

89 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

except  one  newsboy.  We  rode  half  a  day  on  top 
of  a  bus,  through  streets  so  crowded  that  the 
horses  had  to  creep,  and  dad  hung  on  for  fear  the 
bus  would  be  tipped  over,  and  finally  we  got  out 
into  the  suburbs,  where  the  rich  people  live,  and 
dad  said  we  were  right  on  the  trail  of  King  Ed 
ward,  and  we  got  off  and  loitered  around,  and 
dad  saw  a  beautiful  place,  with  a  big  iron  fence, 
and  a  gate  as  big  as  a  railroad  bridge,  and  dad 
asked  a  newsboy  who  lived  there,  and  the  boy 
made  up  a  face  at  dad  and  said,  "H'astor,  you 
bloke,"  and  he  put  out  his  hand  for  a  tip.  It  was 
the  first  civil  answer  dad  had  received  in  Lon 
don,  so  he  gave  the  boy  a  dollar.  The  boy  fell 
over  on  the  sidewalk,  dead,  and  dad  started  to  go 
away  for  fear  he  would  be  arrested  for  murder, 
but  I  kicked  the  boy  on  the  pants,  and  he  got  up 
and  yelled  some  kind  of  murdered  English,  and 
more  than  a  dozen  newsboys  came  on  a  gallop, 
and  when  the  boy  told  them  what  had  happened 
they  all  wanted  dad  to  ask  them  questions.  I  told 
the  boys  dad  was  Andrew  Carnegie,  and  that  he 
was  giving  away  millions  of  dollars,  so  when  dad 
got  to  the  gate  of  the  beautiful  H'astor  place,  the 
boys  yelled  Andrew  Carnegie,  and  a  flunkey 
flunked  the  gate  open  and  dad  and  I  went  in,  and 
walked  up  to  the  house.  Astor  was  on  the  ver- 

90 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

anda,  smoking  a  Missouri  corn  cob  pipe,  and 
drinking  American  beer,  and  seemed  to  be  wish 
ing  he  was  back  home  in  America.  Dad  marched 
right  up  to  the  veranda,  like  a  veteran  soldier, 
and  Astor  could  see  dad  was  an  American  by 
the  dandruff  on  his  coat  collar,  and  Astor  said, 
"You  are  an  American  citizen  and  you  are  wel 
come.  Once  I  was  like  you,  and  didn't  care  a 
continental  dam  for  anybody,  but  in  a  moment  of 
passion  I  renounced  my  country,  swore  allegiance 
to  this  blawsted  country,  and  everybody  hates  me 
here,  and  I  don't  dare  go  home  to  collect  my  rent 
for  fear  I  will  be  quarantined  at  Ellis  Island  and 
sent  back  to  England  as  an  undesirable  emigrant 
who  has  committed  a  crime,  and  is  not  welcome 
in  the  land  where  I  was  born.  Old  man,  have  a 
glass  of  Milwaukee  beer  and  let's  talk  of  your 
home  and  my  birthplace,  and  forget  that  there  is 
such  a  country  as  England."  Dad  sat  down  on 
the  porch,  and  I  went  out  on  the  lawn  chasing 
peacocks  and  treeing  guinea  hens,  and  setting 
dogs  on  the  swans,  until  a  butler  or  a  duke  or 
something  took  me  by  the  collar  and  shook  me 
till  my  teeth  got  loose,  and  he  took  me  back  to 
the  veranda  and  sat  me  down  on  the  bottom  step 
so  hard  my  hair  raised  right  up  stiff,  like  a  porcu 
pine.  Then  I  listened  to  dad  and  Astor  talk  about 

91 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

America,  and  I  never  saw  a  man  who  seemed  to 
be  so  ashamed  that  he  was  a  brevet  Englishman, 
as  he  did.    He  said  he  had  so  much  money  that 
it  made  his  headache  to  hear  the  interest  accum 
ulate,  nights,  when  he  couldn't  sleep,  and  yet  he 
had  no  more  enjoyment  than  Dreyfus  did  on 
Devil's  Island.    He  had  automobiles  that  would 
fill  our  exposition  building,  horses  and  carriages 
by  the  score,  but  he  never  enjoyed  a  ride  about 
London,  because  only  one  person  in  ten  thou 
sand  knew  him,  and  those  who  did  looked  upon 
him  with  pity  and  contempt  because  he  had  re 
nounced  his  country  to  get  solid  with  the  Eng 
lish  aristocracy,  and  nobody  would  speak  to  him 
unless  they  wanted  to  borrow  money,  and  if  they 
did  borrow  money  from  him  he  was  afraid  they 
would  pay  it  back,  and  make  him  trouble  count 
ing  it.    He  told  dad  he  wanted  to  get  back  into 
America,  and  become  a  citizen  again  of  that 
grand  old  country  of  the  stars  and  stripes,  and 
asked  dad  how  he  could  do  it,  for  he  said  he  had 
rather  work  in  a  slaughter  house  in  America 
than  be  a  grand  duke  in  England.    I  never  saw 
dad  look  so  sorry  for  a  man  as  he  did  for  Astor, 
and  he  told  him  the  only  way  was  to  sell  out  his 
ranch  in  London  and  go  back  on  an  emigrant 
ship,  take  out  his  first  papers,  vote  the  democratic 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ticket  and  eventually  become  a  citizen.  Astor 
was  thinking  over  the  proposition,  and  dad  had 
asked  him  if  he  was  not  afraid  of  dynamiters, 
when  he  shuddered  and  said  every  day  he  ex 
pected  to  be  blown  sky  high,  and  .finally  he 
smelled  something  burning  and  said  the  smell  re 
minded  him  of  an  American  4th  of  July.  You 
see,  I  had  been  sitting  still  on  the  step  of  the 
veranda  so  long  I  got  nervous,  for  something  ex 
citing,  so  I  took  a  giant  firecracker  out  of  my 
pocket  and  lit  the  long  tail,  and  shoved  it  under 
the  porch  and  looked  innocent,  and  just  then  one 
of  the  flunkies  with  the  tightest  pants  you  ever 
saw  came  along  and  patted  me  on  the  head  and 
said  I  was  a  nice  boy,  and  that  made  me  mad, 
and  when  he  went  to  sit  down  beside  me  on  the 
step  I  took  my  horse  chestnut  out  of  my  pocket 
and  put  it  on  the  step  just  where  he  sat  down,  and 
how  it  happened  to  come  out  so  I  don't  know,  it 
must  have  been  Providence.  You  see  just  as  the 
flunkey  flunked  on  the  chestnut  burr,,  the  fire 
cracker  went  off,  and  the  man  jumped  up  and 
said  "'Ells-fire,  h'am  blowed,"  and  he  had  his 
hands  on  his  pants,  and  the  air  was  full  of  smoke, 
and  dad  got  on  his  knees  and  said,  "Now  I  lay 
me/'  and  Mr.  Astor  fainted  all  over  a  rocking 
chair  and  tipped  beer  bottles  on  the  veranda  and 

93 


Dad  got  on  his  knees  and  said  "Now  I  lay  me* 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

more  than  forty  servants  came,  and  I  told  dad  to 
come  on,  and  we  got  outside  the  gate,  ahead  of 
the  police,  and  got  a  cab*  and  drove  quicker  than 
scat  to  the  hotel,  and  I  ast  dad  what  he  thought 
it  was  that  went  off,  and  he  said  "You  can  search 
me,"  but  he  said  he  had  got  enough  of  trying  to 
reform  escaped  Americans,  and  we  got  in  the 
hotel  and  laid  low,  and  the  newspapers  told  about 
a  dynamite  outrage,  and  laid  it  to  anarchists. 
Well  I  must  close,  cause  we  are  going  to  see  the 
American  minister  and  get  a  date  to  meet  King 
Edward.  We  won't  do  a  thing  to  Edward. 

Yours,  HENNERY. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  About  the  Craze  for  Gin  in  the 

Whitechapel  District — He  Gives  His  Dad  a 

Scare  in  the  Tower  of  London. 

London,  England. — My  Dear  Chum:  I  re 
ceived  your  letter  yesterday,  and  it  made  me 
homesick.  Gee,  but  if  I  could  be  home  there  with 
you  and  go  down  to  the  swimming  hole  and  get 
in  all  over,  and  play  tag  in  the  sand,  and  tie  some 
boy's  pants  and  shirt  in  knots,  and  yell  that  the 
police  are  coming,  and  all  grab  our  clothes  under 
our  arms  and  run  across  lots  with  no  clothes  on, 
and  get  in  a  barn  and  put  on  our  clothes,  and  dry 
our  hair  by  pounding  it  with  a  stick,  so  we  would 
not  get  licked  when  we  got  home,  life  would  be 
worth  living,  but  here  all  I  do  is  to  dodge  people 
on  the  streets  and  see  them  look  cross  when  they 
step  on  me. 

Say,  boy,  you  will  never  know  your  luck  in  be 
ing  a  citizen  of  good  old  America,  instead  of  a 
subject  of  Great  Britain,  because  you  have  got 
to  be  rich  or  be  hungry  here,  and  if  you  are  too 
rich  you  have  got  no  appetite.  You  have  heard 
of  the  roast  beef  of  old  England,  but  nobody  eats 

06 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

it  but  the  dukes  and  bankers.  The  working  men 
never  even  saw  a  picture  of  a  roast  beef,  and  yet 
we  look  upon  all  Englishmen  as  beef-eaters,  but 
three-fourths  of  the  people  in  this  town  look  hun 
gry  and  discouraged,  and  they  never  seem  to  know 
whether  they  are  going  to  have  any  supper. 

I  went  down  to  a  market  this  morning  where 
the  middle  class  and  the  very  poor  people  buy 
their  supplies,  and  it  would  make  you  sick  to  see 
them.  They  buy  small  loaves  of  bread  and  a 
penny's  worth  of  tea,  and  that  is  breakfast,  and 
if  a  man  is  working  he  takes  some  of  the  bread  to 
work  for  lunch,  and  the  wife  or  mother  buys  a 
carrot  or  a  quarter  of  a  cabbage,  and  maybe  a 
bone  with  a  piece  of  meat  about  as  big  as  a  fish 
bait,  and  that  makes  supper,  with  a  growler  of 
beer. 

Say,  the  chunk  of  meat  with  a  bone  that  an 
American  butcher  would  throw  at  a  dog  that  he 
had  never  been  introduced  to  would  be  a  ban 
quet  for  a  large  family  over  here. 

I  have  been  down  into  the  White  Chapel  dis 
trict,  which  is  the  Five  Points  of  London,  and 
of  the  thousands  of  tough  people  I  saw  there 
was  not  a  man  but  looked  as  though  he  would 
cut  your  liver  out  for  a  shilling,  and  every  woman 
was  drunk  on  gin.  What  there  is  about  gin  that 

97 


"Do  yon  mean  to  tell  me  you  stood  around  and  let  Richard  kill 
those  princes?" 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

makes  it  the  national  beverage  for  bad  people 
beats  me,  for  it  looks  like  water,  tastes  like  medi 
cine  and  smells  like  cold  storage  eggs.  At  home 
when  a  person  takes  a  drink  of  beer  or  whisky 
he  at  least  looks  happy  for  a  minute,  and  maybe 
he  laughs,  but  here  nobody  laughs  unless  some 
body  gets  hurt,  and  that  seems  to  tickle  every 
body  in  the  White  Chapel  district. 

The  people  look  mad  and  savage  when  they 
are  not  drinking,  as  though  they  were  only  look 
ing  for  an  opportunity  to  commit  murder,  and 
then  when  they  take  a  drink  of  gin,  instead  of 
smiling  and  smacking  their  lips  as  though  it' 
was  good  and  braced  them  up,  they  look  as 
though  they  had  been  stabbed  with  a  dirk  and 
they  put  on  a  look  of  revenge,  as  though  they 
would  like  to  wring  a  child's  neck  or  cut  holes  in 
the  people  they  meet. 

Two  drinks  of  gin  makes  a  man  or  woman 
look  as  though  they  had  swallowed  a  buzz  saw.  I 
always  thought  drinking  liquor  made  people  think 
they  were  enjoying  themselves,  or  that  they  took 
it  to  drive  away  care  and  make  them  forget  their 
sorrows,  but  when  these  people  drink  gin  they 
seem  to  do  it  the  way  an  American  drinks  car 
bolic  acid,  to  end  the  whole  business  quick. 

At  home  the  drinker  drinks  to  make  him  feel 

99 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

like  he  was  at  a  picnic.  Here  every  drinker  acts 
like  a  suicide,  who  only  hopes  that  he  may  com 
mit  a  murder  before  the  gin  ends  his  career.  And 
there  are  hundreds  of  thousands  of  people  in 
this  town  who  have  no  ambition  except  to  get  a 
bit  of  bread  to  sustain  them  till  they  can  get  a 
drink  of  gin,  and  gradually  they  let  up  on  bread 
entirely  and  feed  on  gin,  and  look  like  mad  dogs 
and  snarl  at  everybody  they  see,  as  much  as  to 
say:  "  What  are  you  going  to  do  about  it?  " 

A  good  square  American  meal  would  give  them 
a  fit,  and  they  would  go  to  a  hospital  and  die  if 
the  meal  could  not  be  got  out  of  them. 

Gosh,  but  I  was  glad  to  get  out  of  the  White 
Chapel  district,  and  I  kept  looking  back  for 
fear  one  of  the  men  or  women  would  slit  me  up 
the  back  with  a  butcher  knife,  and  laugh  like  an 
insane  asylum  inmate. 

Do  you  know,  those  people  who  drink  gin  and 
go  hungry  are  different  from  our  American  mur 
derers.  Our  murderers  will  assault  you  with  a 
smile,  rob  you  with  a  joke  on  their  tongue's  end, 
and  give  you  back  car  fare  when  they  hold  you 
up,  and  if  they  murder  you  they  will  do  it  easy 
and  lay  you  out  with  your  hands  across  on  your 
breast  and  notify  the  coroner,  but  your  White 
Chapel  murderer  wants  to  disembowel  you  and 

100 


They  took  like  mad  dogs  and  snarl  at  everybody." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

cut  you  up  into  chunks,  and  throw  your  remains 
head  first  into  something  nasty,  and  if  you  have 
money  enough  on  your  person  to  buy  a  bottle  of 
gin  your  murderer  is  as  well  satisfied  as  though 
he  got  a  roll.  Some  men  in  our  country  commit 
murders  in  order  to  get  money  to  lay  away  so 
they  can  live  a  nice,  respectable  life  and  be  good 
ever  afterwards,  but  your  slum  murderer  in  Lon 
don  just  kills  because  his  stomach  craves  a  drink, 
and  when  he  gets  it  he  is  tame,  like  a  tiger  that 
has  eaten  a  native  of  India. 

You  may  think  this  letter  is  a  solemn  occasion 
because  I  tell  you  about  things  that  are  not  funny, 
but  if  you  ever  traveled  abroad  you  will  find  that 
there  is  no  fun  anywhere  except  in  America  un 
less  you  make  it  or  buy  it. 

We  are  taking  in  the  solemn  things  first  in 
order  to  get  dad's  mind  in  a  condition  so  he  can 
be  cured  of  things  he  thinks  ail  him.  I  took  dad 
to  the  Tower  of  London,  and  when  we  got  out  of 
it  he  wanted  to  have  America  interfere  and  have 
the  confounded  place  burned  down  and  grass 
sown  on  the  site  and  a  park  made  of  it. 

The  tower  covers  13  acres  of  ground,  and 
there  are  more  things  brought  to  a  visitor's  atten 
tion  that  ought  to  be  forgotten  than  you  ever 
thought  about. 

101 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

I  remember  attending  the  theater  at  home  and 
seeing  Richard  the  Third  played,  and  I  remem 
ber  how  my  sympathies  were  aroused  for  the  two 
little  boy  princes  that  were  murdered  by  Richard 
the  Third,  but  I  thought  it  was  a  fake  play,  and 
that  there  was  nothing  true  about  it,  but,  by  gosh, 
it  was  right  here  in  the  Tower  of  London  that 
the  old  hump-backed  cuss  murdered  those  little 
princes,  and  dad  and  I  stood  right  on  the  spot, 
and  the  beef-eater  who  showed  us  around  told  us 
all  the  particulars.  Dad  was  indignant,  and  said 
to  the  beef-eater: 

"  Do  you  mean  to  tell  me  you  stood  around 
and  let  Richard  kill  those  princes  without  utter 
ing  a  protest  or  protecting  them  or  ringing  for 
the  police?  By  the  great  hornspoon,  you  must 
have  been  accessory  to  the  fact,  and  you  ought  to 
be  arrested  and  hung,"  and  dad  pounded  his  cane 
on  the  stone  floor  and  looked  savage. 

The  beef-eater  got  red  in  the  face  and  said: 
"  Begging  your  pardon,  don't  you  know,  but  hT 
was  not  'ere  at  the  time.  This  'istory  was  made 
six  'undred  years  ago." 

Dad  begged  the  man's  pardon  and  told  him  he 
supposed  the  boys  were  murdered  a  year  or  two 
ago,  and  he  gave  the  beef-eater  a  dollar,  and  he 
so  gratified  I  think  he  would  have  had  a  m1'" 

1 02 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

der  committed  for  dad  right  there  and  then  if 
dad  had  insisted  on  it. 

You  feel  in  going  through  the  tower  like  you 
was  in  an  American  slaughter  house,  for  it  was 
here  that  kings  and  queens  were  beheaded  by  the 
dozen.  They  showed  us  axes  that  were  used  to 
behead  people,  and  blocks  that  the  heads  of  the 
victims  were  laid  on,  and  the  places  where  the 
heads  fell  on  the  floor.  It  seemed  that  in  olden 
times  when  a  king  or  a  queen  got  too  gay,  the 
anti-kings  or  queens  would  go  to  the  palace  and 
catch  the  king  or  queen  in  the  act,  and  take  them 
by  the  neck  and  hustle  them  to  the  tower,  and 
when-  a  king  or  queen  got  in  the  tower  they  went 
out  on  the  installment  plan,  and  after  being 
thrown  in  the  gutter  for  the  mob  to  recognize,  and 
walk  on  the  bodies,  they  would  bring  them  back 
in  the  tower,  and  seal  them  up  in  a  pigeon  hole  for 
future  generations  to  cry  over. 

All  my  life  I  have  had  in  our  house  to  look  at  a 
picture  of  beautiful  Anne  Boleyn,  and  here  I  stood 
right  where  her  head  was  cut  off,  and  I  couldn't 
help  thinking  of  how  we  in  America  got  our  civili 
zation  from  the  descendants  of  the  English  people 
who  cut  her  head  off. 

By  ginger,  old  chum,  it  made  me  hot.  I  didn't 
care  to  look  at  the  old  armor,  or  the  crown  jewels, 

103 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

,hich  make  you  think  of  a  cut  glass  factory,  but  I 
reveled  in  the  scenes  of  the  beheading.  I  never 
was  stuck  much  on  kings  and  queens,  but  it  seems 
to  me  if  they  had  to  murder  them  they  ought  to 
have  given  'em  a  show,  and  let  them  fight  for 
their  lives,  instead  of  getting  into  a  trap,  like  you 
would  entice  a  rat  with  cheese,  and  then  cut  their 
heads  off. 

I  suppose  it  is  right  here  that  we  inherited  the 
desire  to  lynch  and  burn  at  the  stake  the  negroes 
that  commit  crime  and  won't  confess  at  home. 
When  anything  is  born  in  the  blood  you  can't  get 
rid  of  it  without  taking  a  dose  of  patriotism  and 
purifying  the  blood,  and  I  advise  you  never  to 
visit  the  Tower  of  London,  unless  you  want  to 
feel  like  going  out  and  killing  some  one  that  is 
tied  up  with  a  rope. 

Hearing  of  these  murders  and  seeing  the  place 
where  they  were  committed  does  not  give  you  an 
idea  of  fair  play  and  you  don't  feel  like  taking 
some  one  of  your  size  when  you  fight,  but  you  get 
to  thinking  that  if  you  could  catch  a  cripple  who 
couldn't  defend  himself  you  would  like  to  take  a 
baseball  club  and  maul  the  stuffing  out  of  him. 
You  become  imbued  with  the  idea  that  if  you  went 
to  war  you  would  not  want  to  stand  up  and  fight 
fair,  but  that  you  would  like  to  get  your  enemy 

104 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


in  a  bunch  and  drop  dynamite  down  on  him  from 
a  balloon,  and  kill  all  in  sight,  and  sail  away  with 
an  insane  laugh. 

Gee,  but  another  day  in  this  tower,  and  I  would 


The  Beef-Eaters'  stampede. 

want  to  go  home  and  murder  ma,  or  the  neigh 
bors. 

The  only  thing  we  have  got  in  America  that 
compares  with  the  Tower  of  London  and  its  asso 
ciates  is  the  Leutgert  sausage  factory  in  Chicago, 
where  Leutgert  got  his  wife  into  the  factory,  mur- 

105 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

dered  her,  and  is  alleged  to  have  cut  her  up  in 
pieces  and  made  sausage  of  the  meat,  given  the 
pieces  with  gristle  in  to  his  dogs,  boiled  the  bones 
until  they  would  run  into  the  sewer,  dissolved  the 
remnants  in  concentrated  lye,  and  sold  the  saus 
age  to  the  lumber  Jacks  in  the  pine  woods. 

I  expect  Chicago  will  buy  that  sausage  factory 
and  make  a  show  of  it,  as  London  does  the  tower, 
and  you  can  go  and  see  it,  and  feel  that  you  are 
as  full  of  modern  history  as  I  am  of  ancient  his 
tory,  here  in  London. 

I  could  see  that  dad  was  getting  nervous  every 
time  a  new  beheading  was  described  to  us,  and  I 
thought  it  was  time  to  wake  him  up.  In  going 
through  the  room  where  the  old  armor  was  dis 
played  the  beef  eater  told  us  who  wore  the  dif 
ferent  pieces  of  armor,  and  he  said  at  times  the 
spirit  of  the  dead  came  back  to  the  tower  and 
occupied  the  armor,  and  I  noticed  that  dad  shied 
at  some  of  the  pieces  of  armor,  so  when  we  got 
right  into  the  midst  of  it,  and  there  was  armor 
on  every  side,  and  dad  and  the  beef  eater  were 
ahead  of  me,  and  dad  was  walking  fast  in  order 
to  get  out  quick,  I  pushed  over  one  of  the  pieces, 
and  it  went  crashing  to  the  floor  and  the  noise 
was  like  a  boiler  factory  exploding,  and  the  dust 

106 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

of  centuries  rose  up,  and  the  noise  echoed  down 
the  halls. 

Well,  you'd  a  died  to  see  dad  and  the  beef  eater. 
Dad  turned  pale  and  got  down  on  his  knees,  and 
I  think  he  began  to  pray,  if  he  knows  how,  and 
he  trembled  like  a  leaf,  and  the  beef  eater  got 
behind  a  set  of  armor  that  Cromwell  or  some  old 
duck  used  to  wear,  and  said,  "  Wot  in  the  bloody 
'ell  is  the  matter  with  the  h'armor  ?  "  and  then  a 
lot  of  other  beef  eaters  came,  and  they  thought 
dad  was  the  spirit  of  King  John,  and  they  stam 
peded,  and  finally  I  got  dad  to  stop  praying,  or 
whatever  it  was  that  he  was  doing,  and  I  led 
him  out,  and  when  he  got  into  the  open  air  he  re 
covered  and  said.  "  'Ennery,  'hi  have  got  to  get 
out  of  Lunnon,  don't  you  know,  because  me  'eart 
is  palpitating,"  and  we  went  back  to  the  'otel,  to 
see  if  our  invitation  to  visit  King  Hedward  had 
arrived. 

Say,  we  are  getting  so  we  talk  just  like  English 
coachmen,  and  you  won't  hundredstand  us  when 
we  get  'ome.  Yours,  with  a  haccent. 

'ENNERY. 


107 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  IX. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Call  on  King  Edward  and 
Almost  Settle  the  Irish  Question. 

London,  H-england. — Dear  Uncle  Ezra :  The 
worst  is  over,  and  dad  and  I  have  both  touched  a 
king.  Not  the  way  you  think,  touching  a  king  for 
a  hand-out,  or  borrowing  his  loose  change,  the 
way  you  used  to  touch  dad  when  you  had  to  pay 
for  your  goods,  but  just  taking  hold  of  his  hand 
and  shaking  it  in  good  old  United  States  fashion. 

The  American  minister  arranged  it  for  us.  He 
told  somebody  that  Peck's  Bad  Boy  and  his  dad 
were  in  town,  and  just  wanted  to  size  up  a  king 
and  see  how  he  averaged  up  with  United  States 
politicians,  and  the  king  set  an  hour  for  us  to  call. 

Well,  you'd  a  dide  to  see  dad  fix  up.  Every 
body  said,  when  we  showed  our  card  at  the  hotel, 
notifying  us  that  we  were  expected  at  Marlboro 
House  at  such  a  time,  that  we  would  be  expected 
to  put  on  plenty  of  dog.  That  is  what  an  Ameri 
can  from  Kalamazoo,  who  sells  breakfast  food, 
said,  and  the  hotel  people  said  we  would  be  obliged 
to  wear  knee  breeches  and  dancing  pumps  and 
silk  socks,  and  all  that  kind  of  rot,  and  men's 

108 


"Everyone  in  Oshkosh  said  was  out  of  sight  and  was  good 
enough   for  eny   King" 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

furnishers  began  to  call  upon  us  to  take  our  meas 
ure  for  clothes,  but  when  they  told  us  how  much 
it  would  cost,  dad  kicked.  He  said  he  had  a  golf 
suit  he  had  made  in  Oshkosh  at  the  time  of  the 
tournament,  that  every  one  in  Oshkosh  said  was 
out  of  sight,  and  was  good  enough  for  any  king, 
and  so  he  rigged  up  in  it,  and  I  hired  a  suit  at  a 
masquerade  place,  and  dad  hired  a  coat,  kind  of 
red,  to  go  with  his  golf  pants  and  socks,  and  he 
wore  canvas  tennis  shoes.  I  looked  like  a  picture 
out  of  a  fourteenth  century  book,  but  dad  looked 
like  a  clown  in  a  circus.  One  of  dad's  calves  made 
him  look  as  though  he  had  a  milk  leg,  cause  the 
padding  would  not  stay  around  where  the  calf 
ought  to  be,  but  worked  around  towards  his  shin. 
We  went  to  Marlboro  House  in  a  hansom  cab, 
and  all  the  way  there  the  driver  kept  looking  down 
from  the  hurricane  deck,  through  the  scuttle  hole, 
to  see  if  we  were  there  yet,  and  he  must  have 
talked  with  other  cab  drivers  in  sign  language 
about  us,  for  every  driver  kept  along  with  us, 
looked  at  us  and  laughed,  as  though  we  were  a 
wild  west  show. 

On  the  way  to  the  king's  residence  it  was  all 
I  could  do  to  keep  dad  braced  up  to  go  through 
the  ordeal.  He  was  brave  enough  before  we  got 
the  invitation,  and  told  what  he  was  going  to  say 

no 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

to  the  king,  and  you  would  think  he  wasn't  afraid 
of  anybody,  but  when  we  got  nearer  to  the  house 
and  dad  thought  of  going  up  to  the  throne  and 
seeing  a  king  in  all  his  glory,  surrounded  by  his 
hundreds  of  lords  and  dukes  and  things,  a  crown 
on  his  head,  and  an  ermine  cloak  trimmed  with 
red  velvet,  and  a  six-quart  milk  pan  full  of  dia 
monds,  some  of  them  as  big  as  a  chunk  of  alum, 
dad  weakened,  and  wanted  to  give  the  whole 
thing  up  and  go  to  a  matinee,  but  I  wouldn't  have 
it,  and  told  him  if  he  didn't  get  into  the  king  row 
now  that  I  would  shake  him  right  there  in  Lon 
don  and  start  in  business  as  a  Claude  Duval  high 
wayman  and  hold  up  stage  coaches,  and  be  hung 
on  Tyburn  Tree,  as  I  used  to  read  about  in  my 
history  of  Sixteen-String  Jack  and  other  English 
highwaymen.  Dad  didn't  want  to  see  the  family 
disgraced,  so  he  let  the  cabman  drive  on,  but  he 
said  if  we  got  out  of  this  visit  to  royalty  alive,  it 
was  the  last  tommyrot  he  would  indulge  in. 

Well,  old  man,  it  is  like  having  an  operation 
for  appendicitis,  you  feel  better  when  you  come 
out  from  under  the  influence  of  the  chloroform 
and  the  doctor  shows  you  what  they  took  out  of 
you,  and  you  feel  that  you  are  going  to  live,  un 
less  you  grow  another  vermiform  appendix.  We 
were  driven  into  a  sort  of  Central  park,  and  up 

ill 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

to  a  building  that  was  big  as  a  lot  of  exposition 
buildings,  and  the  servants  took  us  in  charge  and 
walked  us  through  long  rooms  covered  with  pic 
tures  as  big  as  side  show  pictures  at  a  circus,  but 
instead  of  snake  charmers  and  snakes  and  wild 
men  of  Borneo  and  sword  swallowers,  the  king's 
pictures  were  about  war,  and  women  without 
much  clothes  on  from  the  belt  up.  Gosh,  but 
some  of  those  pictures  made  you  think  you  could 
hear  the  roar  of  battle  and  smell  gun  powder,  and 
dad  acted  as  though  he  wanted  to  git  right  down 
on  the  marble  floor  and  dig  a  rifle  pit  big  enough 
to  git  into. 

They  walked  us  around  like  they  do  when  you 
are  being  initiated  into  a  secret  society,  only  they 
didn't  sing,  "  Here  comes  the  Lobster,"  and  hit 
you  with  a  dried  bladder.  The  servants  that 
were  conducting  us  laffed.  I  had  never  seen  an 
Englishman  laff  before,  and  it  was  the  most  in 
teresting  thing  I  saw  in  London.  Most  English 
men  look  sorry  about  something,  as  though  some 
dear  friend  died  every  day,  and  their  faces  seem 
to  have  grown  that  way.  So  when  they  laff  it 
seems  as  though  the  wrinkles  would  stay  there, 
unless  they  treated  their  faces  with  massage. 
They  were  laughing  at  dad's  dislocated  calf,  and 
his  scared  appearance,  as  though  he  was  going 

112 


Dad  and  King  Edward  settling  the  Irish  question. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

to  receive  the  thirty-second  degree,  and  didn't 
know  whether  they  were  going  to  throw  him  over 
a  precipice  or  pull  him  up  to  the  roof  by  the  hind 
legs.  We  passed  a  big  hall  clock,  and  it  struck 
just  when  we  were  near  it,  and  of  all  the  "  Hark, 
from  the  tombs  "  sounds  I  ever  heard,  that  clock 
took  the  cake.  Dad  thought  it  sounded  like  a 
death  knell,  and  he  would  have  welcomed  the 
turning  in  of  a  fire  alarm  as  a  sound  that  meant 
life  everlasting,  beside  that  doleful  sound. 

After  we  had  marched  about  three  mile  heats, 
and  passed  the  chairs  of  the  noble  grand  and  the 
senior  warden,  and  the  exalted  ruler,  we  came 
to  a  bronze  door  as  big  as  the  gate  to  a  cemetery, 
and  the  grand  conductor  gave  us  a  few  instruc 
tions  about  how  to  back  out  fifteen  feet  from  the 
presence  of  the  king,  when  we  were  dismissed, 
and  then  he  turned  us  over  to  a  little  man  who 
was  a  grand  chambermaid,  I  understood  the  fel 
low  to  say.  The  door  opened,  and  we  went  in, 
and  dad's  misplaced  calf  was  wobbling  as  though 
he  had  locomotor  attacks-ye. 

Well,  there  were  a  dozen  or  so  fellows  standing 
around,  and  they  all  had  on  some  kind  of  uni 
forms,  with  gold  badges  on  their  breasts,  and  in 
the  midst  of  them  was  a  little,  sawed-off  fat  fel 
low,  not  taller  than  five  feet  six,  but  a  perfect  pic- 

114 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ture  of  the  cigar  advertisements  of  America  fer 
a  cigar  named  after  the  king.  I  expected  to  see 
a  king  as  big  as  Long  John  Wentworth  of  Chi 
cago,  a  great  big  fellow  that  could  take  a  small 
man  by  the  collar  and  throw  him  over  a  house, 
and  I  felt  hurt  at  the  small  size  of  the  king  of 
Great  Britain,  but,  gosh,  he  is  just  like  a  Yankee, 
when  you  get  the  formality  shook  off. 

We  bowed  and  dad  made  a  courtesy  like  an 
old  woman,  and  the  king  came  forward  with  a 
smile  that  ought  to  be  imitated  by  every  English 
man.  They  all  imitate  his  clothes  and  his  hats 
and  his  shoes,  but  he  seems  to  be  the  only  Eng 
lishman  that  smiles.  Maybe  it  is  patented,  and 
nobody  has  a  right  to  smile  without  paying  a 
royalty,  but  the  good-natured  smile  of  King  Ed 
ward  is  worth  more  than  stomach  bitters,  and  the 
English  ought  to  be  allowed  to  copy  it.  There  is 
no  more  solemn  thing  than  a  party  of  English 
men  together  in  America,  unless  it  is  a  party  of 
speculators  that  are  short  on  wheat,  or  a  gather 
ing  of  defeated  politicians  when  the  election  re 
turns  come  in.  But  the  king  is  as  jolly  as  though 
he  had  not  a  note  coming  due  at  the  bank,  and 
you  would  think  he  was  a  good,  common  citizen, 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

after  working  hours,  at  a  round  beer  table,  with 
two  schooner  loads  in  the  hold  and  another 
schooner  on  the  way,  frothing  over  the  top  of  the 
stein.  That  is  the  feeling  I  had  for  the  king  when 
he  came  up  to  us  and  greeted  dad  as  the  father 
of  the  bad  boy  and  patted  me  on  the  shoulder  and 
said :  "  And  so  you  are  the  boy  that  has  made 
more  trouble  than  any  boy  in  the  world,  and 
had  more  fun  than  anybody,  and  made  them  all 
stand  around  and  wonder  what  was  coming  next. 
You're  a  wonder.  Strange  the  American  people 
never  thought  of  killing  you."  I  said  yessir,  and 
tried  to  look  innocent,  and  then  the  king  told  dad 
to  sit  down,  and  for  me  to  come  and  stand  by  his 
knee,  and  by  ginger,  when  he  patted  me  on  the 
cheek,  and  his  soft  hand  squeezed  my  hand,  and 
he  looked  into  my  eyes  with  the  most  winning  ex 
pression,  I  did  not  wonder  that  all  the  women 
were  in  love  with  him,  and  that  all  Englishmen 
would  die  for  him. 

He  asked  dad  all  about  America,  its  institu 
tions,  the  president,  and  everything,  and  dad  was 
just  so  flustered  that  he  couldn't  say  much,  until 
the  king  said  something  about  the  war  between 
the  States,  in  which  the  southern  states  achieved 

116 


Dad  sang  "My  Country,  'Tis  of  Thee,"  and  the  King  sang  "God 
Save  the  King," 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

a  victory.  I  don't  know  whether  the  king  said 
that  just  to  wake  dad  up,  'cause  dad  had  a  grand 
army  button  on  his  coat,  but  dad  choked  up  a  lit 
tle,  and  then  began  to  explode,  a  little  at  a  time, 
like  a  bunch  of  firecrackers,  and  finally  he  went 
off  all  in  a  bunch.  Dad  said :  "  Look  a  here,  Air. 
King,  some  one  has  got  you  all  balled  up  about 
that  war.  I  know,  because  I  was  in  it,  and  now 
the  north  and  the  south  are  United,  and  can  whip 
any  country  that  wants  to  fight  a  champion,  and 
will  go  out  and  get  a  reputation,  by  gosh !  " 

The  king  laughed  at  touching  dad  ofif,  and 
asked  dad  what  was  the  matter  of  America  and 
Great  Britain  getting  together  and  making  all 
nations  know  when  they  had  better  keep  their 
places,  and  quit  talking  about  fighting.  Dad 
said  he  never  would  consent  to  America  and  Great 
Britain  getting  together  to  fight  any  country  until 
Ireland  got  justice  and  was  ready  to  come  into 
camp  on  an  equality,  and  the  king  said  he  would 
answer  for  the  Irishmen  of  Ireland  if  dad  would 
pledge  the  Irishmen  of  America,  'cause  we  had 
about  as  many  Irishmen  in  America  as  he  had 
in  Ireland,  and  dad  said  if  the  king  would  give 
Ireland  what  she  asked  for,  he  would  see  that  the 

1x8 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

Irishmen  in  America  would  sing  God  Save  the 
King.  I  guess  dad  and  the  king  would  have  set 
tled  the  Irish  question  in  about  fifteen  minutes, 
and  signed  a  treaty,  only  a  servant  brought  in  a 
two-quart  bottle  of  champagne,  and  dad  and  the 


"  Went  over  backwards  and  struck  on  his  pants." 

king  hadn't  drank  a  quart  apiece  before  dad 
started  to  sing  "  My  Country  'Tis  of  Thee,  Sweet 
Land  of  Libertee,"  and  the  king  sang  "  God  Save 
the  King,"  and,  by  thunder,  it  was  the  same  tune, 
and  tears  came  into  dad's  eyes,  and  the  king  took 
out  his  handkerchief  and  wiped  his  nose,  and  I 

119 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

bellered  right  out,  and  the  king  rose  and  offered 
a  toast  to  America  and  everybody  in  it,  and  they 
swallered  it,  and  dad  said  there  was  enough  juice 
left  in  the  bottle  for  one  more  round,  and  he  pro 
posed  a  toast  to  all  the  people  of  Great  Britain, 
including  the  Irish  and  the  king  who  loved  them, 
and  down  she  went,  and  they  were  standing  up. 
And  I  told  dad  it  was  time  to  go. 

Say,  it  was  great,  Uncle  Ezra,  and  I  wish  you 
could  have  been  there,  and  there  had  been  an 
other  bottle.  The  only  thing  that  happened  to 
mar  the  reunion  of  dad  and  the  king  was  when 
we  were  going  out  backwards,  bowing.  There 
was  a  little  hassock  back  of  me,  and  I  kicked  it 
back  of  dad,  and  when  dad's  heels  struck  it  he 
went  over  backwards  and  struck  on  his  golf  pants, 
and  dad  said:  "El,  'Ennery,  I'ave  broken  my 
bloomink  back,  but  who  cares,"  and  when  the 
servants  picked  dad  up  and  took  him  out  in  the 
hall  and  marched  us  to  the  entrance,  dad  got  In 
the  cab,  gave  the  grand  hailing  sign  of  distress, 
started  to  sing  God  save  something  or  other,  and 
went  to  sleep  in  the  cab,  and  I  took  him  to  the 
hotel.  Yours,  ,  HENNERY. 


120 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  X. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  of  Ancient  and  Modern  High 
waymen — They  Get  a  Taste  of  High  Life  in 
London  and  Dad  Tells  the  Story  of  the 
Picklemaker's  Daughter. 

London,  England. — My  Dear  Old  Skate: 
Well,  if  we  are  going  to  see  any  of  the  other  coun 
tries  on  this  side  of  the  water  before  our  return 
ticket  expires,  we  have  got  to  be  getting  a  move 
on,  and  dad  says  in  about  a  week  we  will  be  doing 
stunts  in  Paris  that  will  bring  about  a  revolution, 
and  wind  up  the  republic  of  France,  and  seat  some 
nine-spot  on  the  throne  that  Napoleon  used  to 
wear  out  his  buckskin  pants  on. 

Dad  asked  me  tother  day  what  I  cared  most 
to  see  in  London,  and  I  told  him  I  wanted  to 
visit  Newgate  prison,  and  the  places  made  fa 
mous  by  the  bold  highwaymen  of  a  century  or  two 
ago.  He  thought  I  was  daffy,  but  when  I  told 
him  how  I  had  read  "  Claude  Duval "  and  "  Six- 
teen-String  Jack "  and  all  the  highway  litera 
ture,  in  the  haymow,  when  dad  thought  I  was 
weeding  the  garden,  he  confessed  that  he  used 
to  hunt  those  yellow  covered  books  out  of  the 

121 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

manger  when  I  was  not  reading  them,  and  that 
he  had  read  them  all  himself,  when  I  thought  he 
was  studying  for  his  campaign  speeches,  and  so 
he  said  he  would  go  with  me.  So  we  visited 
Homestead  Heath,  where  Claude  Duval  used  to 
ride  "  Black  Bess,"  and  hold  up  people  who  trav 
eled  at  night  in  post  chaises,  and  we  found  splen 
did  spots  where  there  had  been  more  highway 
robbery  going  on  than  any  place  east  of  Missouri, 
but  I  was  disgusted  when  I  thought  what  chumps 
those  old  highway  robbers  were,  compared  to  the 
American  highway  robbers  and  hold  up  men  of 
the  present  day. 

In  Claude  Duval's  time  he  had  a  brace  of  flint 
lock  pistols,  which  he  had  to  examine  the  prim 
ing  every  time  a  victim  showed  up,  and  while  he 
was  polite  when  he  robbed  a  duchess,  he  used  to 
kill  people  all  right,  though  if  they  had  had  cam 
eras  at  that  time  the  flash  from  the  priming  pan 
would  have  taken  a  flash-light  picture  of  the 
robber,  so  he  could  have  been  identified  when  he 
rode  off  in  the  night  to  a  roadside  inn  and  filled 
up  on  beer,  while  he  counted  the  ten  shillings  he 
had  taken  from  the  silk  purse  of  the  victim.  Why, 
one  of  our  American  gangs  that  hold  up  a  train, 
and  get  an  express  safe  full  of  greenbacks,  and 
shoots  up  a  mess  of  railroad  hands  and  passes 

122 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

gers  with  Winchesters  and  automatic  pistols,  and 
blows  up  cars  with  dynamite  and  gets  away  and 
has  to  have  a  bookkeeper  and  a  cashier  to  keep 
their  bank  accounts  straight,  could  give  those  old 
Claude  Duvals  and  Sixteen-String  Jacks  cards 
and  spades. 

But  civilization,  dad  says,  has  done  much  for 
the  highway  robbery  business,  and  he  says  we  in 
America  have  arrived  at  absolute  perfection. 
However,  I  was  much  interested  in  looking  over 
the  ground  where  my  first  heroes  lived  and  died, 
and  did  business,  and  when  we  went  to  the  pris 
ons  where  they  were  confined,  and  were  shown 
where  Tyburn  Tree  stood,  that  so  many  of  them 
were  hung  on,  tears  came  to  my  eyes  at  the 
thought  that  I  was  on  the  sacred  ground  where 
my  heroes  croaked,  and  went  to  their  deaths  with 
smiles  on  their  faces,  and  polite  to  the  last.  The 
guard  who  showed  us  around  thought  that  dad 
and  I  were  relatives  of  the  deceased  highwaymen, 
and  when  we  went  away  he  said  to  dad :  "  Call 
again,  Mr.  Duval.  Always  glad  to  serve  any  of 
the  descendants  of  the  heroes.  What  line  of  rob 
bery  are  you  in,  Mr.  Duval  ? "  Dad  was  mad, 
but  he  told  the  guard  he  was  now  on  the  stock 
exchange,  and  so  we  maintained  the  reputation  of 
the  family. 

123 


Call  again,  Mr.  Duval;  always  glad  to  serve  any  of  the  descend 
ants  of  the  heroes. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

Then  we  hired  horses  and  took  a  horse  back 
ride  through  Rotten  Row,  where  everybody  in 
London  that  has  the  price,  rides  a  horse,  and  no 
carriages  are  allowed.  Dad  was  an  old  cavalry 
man  forty  years  ago,  and  he  is  stuck  on  his  shape 
when  he  is  on  a  horse,  but  he  came  near  breaking 
up  the  horse  back  parade  the  day  we  went  for  the 
ride.  The  liveryman  gave  us  two  bob-tailed  nags, 
a  big  one  for  dad  and  a  small  one  for  me,  but 
they  didn't  have  any  army  saddle  for  dad,  and  he 
had  to  ride  on  one  of  these  little  English  saddles, 
such  as  jockeys  ride  races  on,  and  dad  is  so  big 
where  he  sits  on  a  saddle  that  you  couldn't  see 
the  saddle,  and  I  guess  they  gave  dad  a  hurdle 
jumper,  because  when  we  got  right  amongst  the 
riders,  men  and  women,  his  horse  began  to  act 
up,  and  some  one  yelled,  "  Tally-ho,"  and  that  is 
something  about  fox  hunting,  not  a  coach,  and 
the  horse  jumped  a  fence  and  dad  rolled  off  over 
the  bowsprit  and  went  into  a  ditch  of  dirty  water, 
and  the  horse  went  off  across  a  field,, and  the  po 
liceman  fished  dad  out  of  the  ditch,  and  run  him 
through  a  clothes  wringer  or  something,  and  got 
him  dried  out,  and  sent  him  to  the  hotel  in  an 
express  wagon,  and  I  rode  my  horse  back  to  the 
liveryman  and  told  him  what  happened  to  dad, 
and  they  locked  me  up  in  a  box  stall  until  some- 

125 


body  found  the  horse,  'cause  they  thought  dad 
was  a  horse  thief,  and  they  held  me  for  ransom. 
But  dad  came  around  before  night  and  paid  my 
ransom,  and  we  were  released.  Dad  says  Rotten 
Row  is  rotten,  all  right  enough,  and  by  ginger 


A  policeman  fished  Dad  out  of  the  ditch. 

ft  is,  'cause  he  has  not  got  the  smell  of  that  ditch 
off  his  clothes  yet. 

Now  he  has  got  a  new  idea,  and  that  is  to  go 
to  some  country  where  there  are  bandits,  different 
from  the  bandits  here  in  London,  and  be  cap- 

126 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ttared  and  taken  to  the  mountain  fastnesses,  and 
held  for  ransom  until  our  government  makes  a 
fuss  about  it,  and  sends  warships  after  us.  I  tell 
dad  it  would  be  just  our  luck  to  have  our  govern 
ment  fail  to  try  to  get  us,  and  the  bandits  might 
cut  our  heads  off  and  stick  them  on  a  pole  as  a 
warning  to  people  not  to  travel  unless  they  had 
a  ransom  concealed  about  their  clothes.  But  dad 
says  he  is  out  to  see  all  the  sights,  and  he  is  going 
to  be  ransomed  before  he  gets  home,  if  it  takes 
every  dollar  our  government  has  got.  I  think  he 
is  going  to  work  the  bandit  racket  when  we  get 
to  Turkey,  but,  by  ginger,  he  can  leave  me  at  a 
convent,  because  I  don't  want  one  of  those  crooked 
sabers  run  into  me  and  turned  around  like  a 
corkscrew.  Dad  says  I  can  stay  in  a  harem 
while  he  goes  to  the  mountains  with  the  bandits, 
and  I  don't  know  as  I  care,  as  they  say  a  harem  is 
the  most  interesting  place  in  Turkey.  You  know 
the  pictures  we  have  studied  in  the  old  grocery, 
where  a  whole  bunch  of  beautiful  women  are 
practicing  using  soap  in  a  marble  bath. 

Well,  don't  you  say  anything  to  ma  about  it, 
but  dad  has  got  his  foot  in  it  clear  up  to  the  top 
button.  It  isn't  anything  scandalous,  though 
there  is  a  woman  at  the  bottom  of  it.  You  see,  we 
used  to  know  a  girl  that  left  home  to  go  out  into 

127 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

the  world  and  earn  her  own  living.  She  elocuted 
some  at  private  parties  and  sanitariums,  to  enter 
tain  people  that  were  daffy,  and  were  on  the 
verge  of  getting  permanent  bats  in  their  belfry, 
and  after  a  few  years  she  got  on  the  stage,  and 
made  a  bunch  of  money,  and  went  abroad.  And 
then  she  had  married  a  titled  person,  and  every 
body  supposed  she  was  a  duchess,  or  a  countess, 
and  ma  wanted  us  to  inquire  about  her  when  we 
got  over  here.  Ma  didn't  want  us  to  go  and  hunt 
her  up  to  board  with  her,  or  anything,  but  just 
to  get  a  glimpse  of  high  life,  and  see  if  our  poor 
little  friend  was  doing  herself  proud  in  her  new 
station  in  life. 

Gee,  but  dad  found  her,  and  she  ain't  any  more 
of  a  duchess  than  I  am.  Her  husband  is  a 
younger  son  of  a  titled  person,  but  there  isn't 
money  enough  in  the  whole  family  to  wad  a  gun, 
and  our  poor  girl  is  working  in  a  shop,  or  store, 
selling  corsets  to  support  a  lazy,  drunken  hus 
band  and  a  whole  mess  of  children,  and  while 
she  is  seven  removes  from  a  duchess,  she  does 
not  rank  with  the  woman  who  washes  her  moth 
er's  clothes  at  home.  Gosh,  but  dad  was  hot  when 
he  found  her,  and  after  she  told  him  about  her 

128 


"  Her  husband  is  a  younger  son  of  a  titled  person,  but  there 
isn't  money  enough  in  the  family  to  wad  a  gun." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

situation  in  life  he  gave  her  a  yellow-backed  fifty- 
dollar  bill,  and  came  back  to  the  hotel  mad,  and 
wanted  to  pack  up  and  go  somewhere  else,  where 
he  didn't  know  any  titled  persons. 

That  night  a  couple  of  dukes  came  around  to 
the  hotel  to  sell  dad  some  stock  in  a  diamond  mine 
in  South  Africa,  and  they  got  to  talking  about 
how  English  society  held  over  our 'crude  Ameri 
can  society,  until  dad  got  an  addition  to  the  mad 
he  had  when  he  called  on  our  girl,  and  when  one 
of  the  dukes  said  America  was  being  helped  so 
cially  by  the  marriage  of  American  women  to 
titled  persons,  dad  got  a  hot  box,  like  a  stalled 
freight  train. 

Says  dad,  says  he :  "You  Johnnies  are  a  lot  of 
confidence  men,  who  live  only  to  rope  in  rich 
American  girls,  so  you  can  marry  them  and  have 
their  dads  lift  the  mortgages  on  your  ancestral 
estates,  and  put  on  tin  roofs  in  place  of  the  mort 
gages,  'cause  a  mortgage  will  not  shed  rain,  and 
you  get  their  money  and  spend  it  on  other  wom 
en."  One  of  the  dukes  turned  red  like  a  lobster, 
and  I  think  he  is  a  lobster,  anyway,  and  he  was 
going  to  make  dad  stop  talking,  but  the  dukd 
didn't  know  dad,  and  he  continued.  Says  dad, 

129 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

says  he :  "I  know  a  rich  old  man  in  the  States, 
who  made  ten  million  dollars  on  pickles,  or  break 
fast  food,  and  he  had  a  daughter  that  was  so 
homely  they  couldn't  keep  a  clock  going  in  the 
house. 

"She  came  over  here  and  got  exposed  to  a  duke, 
and  she  had  never  been  vaccinated,  and  the  first 
her  father  knew  she  caught  the  duke,  and  came; 
home,  and  he  followed  her.  Say,  he  didn't  know 
enough  to  pound  sand,  and  the  old  man  got  sev 
eral  doctors  for  her,  but  they  couldn't  break  up 
the  duke  fever,  and  finally  the  old  pickle  citizen 
asked  him  how  much  the  mortgage  was,  and  how 
much  they  could  live  on,  and  he  bought  her  the 
duke,  and  sent  them  off,  and  the  duke  covered  his 
castle  with  building  paper,  so  it  would  hold  water, 
and  they  set  up  housekeeping  with  a  hundred  ser 
vants.  Then  the  duke  wanted  a  racing  stable, 
after  the  baby  came,  and  the  old  pickle  man  went 
over  to  see  the  baby,  and  it  looked  so  much  like 
the  old  man  that  he  invested  in  a  racing  stable, 
and  the  servants  bowed  low  to  the  old  man  and 
called  him  'Your  'ighness/  and  that  settled  the 
old  pickle  person,  and  he  fell  into  the  trap  of 
building  a  townhouse  in  London. 

"Then  he  went  home  and  made  some  more 
pickles,  and  the  daughter  cabled  him  to  come 

130 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

right  over,  as  they  had  been  invited  to  entertain 
the  king  and  a  lot  of  other  face  cards  in  the  pack. 
And  the  old  man  thought  it  would  be  great  to  get 
in  the  king  row  himself,  so  he  shoveled  a  lot  of 
big  bills  into  some  packing  trunks  and  went  over 
to  fix  up  for  the  king.  The  castle  had  to  be  re- 


drove   the   dukes  out. 


decorated  for  about  six  miles,  up  one  corridor 
and  down  the  other,  but  Old  Pickles  stood  the 
raise,  because  he  thought  it  would  be  worth  the 
money  to  be  on  terms  of  intimacy  with  a  king. 

"Then  when  it  was  all  ready,  and  the  old  man 
was  going  to  stand  at  the  front  door  and  welcome 
the  king,  they  made  him  go  to  his  room,  back 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

about  a  half  a  mile  in  the  rear  of  the  castle,  and 
for  two  weeks  old  Pickles  had  his  meals  brought 
to  his  room,  and  when  it  was  over,  and  his  sen 
tence  had  expired,  he  was  let  out,  and  all  he  saw 
of  the  grand  entertainment  to  the  crowned  heads 
was  a  ravine  full  of  empty  wine  bottles,  a  case 
of  jimjams  for  a  son-in-law,  a  case  of  nervous 
prostration  for  a  daughter,  and  hydrophobia  for 
himself.  My  old  pickle  friend  has  got,  at  this 
date,  three  million  good  pickle  dollars  invested 
in  your  d — d  island,  and  all  he  has  to  show  for  it 
is  a  sick  daughter,  neglected  by  a  featherhead  of 
a  husband,  who  will  only  speak  to  old  pickles 
when  he  wants  more  money,  and  a  grandchild 
that  may  die  teething  at  any  time.  You  are  a 
nice  lot  of  ducks  to  talk  to  me  about  your  English 
society  being  better  than  our  American  civiliza 
tion.  You  get,"  and  dad  drove  the  dukes  out. 

I  think  they  are  going  to  have  dad  arrested  for 
treason.  But  don't  tell  ma,  'cause  she  may  think 
treason  serious.  Yours, 

HENNERY. 


132 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XI. 

The  Bay  Boy  Writes  About  Paris — Tells  About  the 

Trip  Across  the  English  Channel — Dad  Feeds 

a  Dog  and  Gets  Arrested. 

Paris,  France.— My  Dear  Uncle  Ezra:  Dad 
is  in  an  awful  state  here,  and  I  do  not  know  what 
to  do  with  him.  We  struck  this  town  all  in  a 
heap,  and  the  people  seemed  to  be  paralyzed  so 
they  couldn't  speak,  except  to  make  motions  and 
make  noises  that  we  could  not  interpret.  This  is 
the  first  time  dad  and  I  have  been  in  a  place  where 
nobody  understood  our  language.  Ordinarily  we 
would  take  pleasure  in  teaching  people  to  speak 
the  English  language,  but  in  coming  across  the 
English  channel  dad  and  I  both  got  something 
we  never  got  on  the  water  before.  Ordinary  sea 
sickness  is  only  an  incident,  that  makes  you  wish 
you  were  dead — just  temporary,  but  when  it 
wears  off  you  can  enjoy  your  religion  and  victuals 
as  well  as  ever,  but  the  seasickness  that  the  Eng 
lish  channel  gives  you  is  a  permanent  investment, 
like  government  bonds  that  you  cut  coupons  off 
of.  I  'spect  we  shall  be  sick  always  now,  and 
worse  every  other  day,  like  chills  and  fever. 

133 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


Say,  a  boat  on  the  English  channel  does  not 
roll,  or  pitch,  at  intervals,  like  a  boat  on  ordinary 
water,  but  it  does  stunts  like  a  broncho  that  has 


Looked  at  Dad  in  a  tone  of  voice  that  meant  trouble. 

been  poisoned  by  eating  loco- weeds,  and  goes  into 
the  air  and  dives  down  under,  and  shakes  itself 
like  a  black  bass  with  a  hook  in  its  mouth,  and 

134 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

rolls  over  like  a  trained  dog,  and  sits  up  on  its 
hind  legs  and  begs,  and  then  walks  on  its  fore 
paws,  and  seems  to  jump  through  hoops,  and  dig 
for  woodchucks,  and  all  the  time  the  water  boils 
like  'pollinarius,  full  of  bubbles,  and  it  gives  you 
the  hiccups  to  look  at  it,  and  it  flows  every  way 
at  the  same  time,  and  the  wind  comes  from  the 
fourteen  quarters  at  once,  and  blows  hot  if  you 
are  too  hot  and  want  a  cool  breeze,  and  if  you 
are  too  cold,  and  want  a  warm  breeze  to  keep  you 
alive,  it  comes  right  from  the  north  pole,  and  you 
just  perish  in  your  tracks. 

Gee,  but  it  is  awful.  When  you  get  seasick  on 
an  ordinary  ocean,  you  know  where  to  locate  the 
disease,  and  you  know  where  to  go  for  relief,  and 
when  you  have  got  relieved  you  know  that  you 
are  alive,  but  an  English  channel  seasickness  is  as 
different  from  any  other  as  an  alcohol  jag  is  dif 
ferent  from  a  champagne  drunk.  This  English 
channel  seasickness  begins  on  your  toes,  and  you 
feel  as  though  the  toenails  were  being  pulled  out 
with  pincers,  and  the  veins  in  your  legs  seem  to 
explode,  your  arms  wilt  like  lettuce  in  front  of  a 
cheap  grocery,  your  head  seems  to  be  struck  with 
a  pile-driver  and  telescoped  down  into  your  spine, 
and  your  stomach  feels  as  though  you  had  swal 
lowed  a  telephone  pole  with  all  of  the  cross  arms 

135 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

and  wires  and  glass  insulators,  and  you  wish 
lightning  would  strike  you.  Gosh,  but  dad  was 
hot  when  he  found  that  he  was  sick  that  way, 
and  when  we  got  ashore  he  wanted  to  kill  the 
first  man  he  met. 

He  thinks  that  it  is  a  crime  for  a  man  not  to 
understand  the  English  language,  and  when  he 
tells  what  he  wants,  and  the  man  he  is  talking 
to  shrugs  his  shoulders  and  laughs,  and  brings 
him  something  else,  he  wants  to  pull  his  gun  and 
begin  to  shoot  up  the  town,  and  only  for  me  he 
would  have  killed  people  before  this,  but  now  he 
takes  it  out  in  scowling  at  people  who  do  not  un 
derstand  him.  Dad  seems  to  think  that  if  he 
cannot  make  a  man  understand  what  he  says,  all 
he  has  to  do  is  to  swear  at  the  man,  but  there  is 
no  universal  language  of  profanity,  so  the  more 
dad  swears  the  more  the  nervous  Frenchman 
smiles,  and  acts  polite. 

I  think  the  French  people  are  the  politest  folks 
I  ever  knew.  If  a  Frenchman  had  to  kick  a 
person  out  of  doors,  he  would  wear  a  felt  slipper, 
and  after  he  had  kicked  you  he  would  place  his 
hand  on  his  heart,  and  bow,  and  look  so  sorry, 
and  hurt,  that  you  would  want  to  give  him  a 
tip. 

O,  but  this  tipping  business  is  what  is  breaking 

136 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

dad's  heart.  I  think  if  the  servants  would  ar 
range  a  syndicate  to  rob  dad  of  two  or  three  dol 
lars  a  day,  by  pocket  picking,  or  sneak  thieving, 
he  would  overlook  it,  and  say  that  as  long  as 
it  was  one  of  the  customs  of  the  country  we 
should  have  to  submit  to  it,  but  when  he  has  paid 
his  bill,  with  everything  charged  extra,  and  the 
servants  line  up  and  look  appealingly,  or  mad,  as 
the  case  may  be,  dad  is  the  hardest  man  to  loosen 
that  ever  was,  but  if  they  seem  to  look  the  other 
way,  and  not,  apparently,  care  whether  they  get 
a  cent  or  not,  dad  would  go  and  hunt  them  up, 
and  divide  his  roil  with  them.  Dad  is  not  what 
you  would  call  a  "tight  wad,"  if  you  let  him  shed 
his  money  normally,  when  he  feels  the  loosening 
coming  on,  but  you  try  to  work  him  by  bowing 
and  cringing,  and  his  American  spirit  gets  the 
better  of  him,  and  he  looks  upon  the  servant  as 
pretty  low  down.  I  have  told  him  that  the  tip 
ping  habit  is  just  as  bad  in  America  as  in  France, 
but  he  says  in  America  the  servant  acts  as  though 
he  never  had  such  a  thought  as  getting  a  tip,  and 
when  you  give  him  a  quarter  or  other  tip  he 
looks  puzzled,  as  though  he  did  not  just  recall 
what  he  had  done  to  merit  such  treatment,  but 
finally  puts  the  money  in  his  pocket  with  an  air 
as  though  he  would  accept  it  in  trust,  to  be  given 

137 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

to  some  deserving  person  at  the  first  opportunity, 
and  then  he  smiles,  and  gets  away,  and  blows  in 
the  tip  for  something  wet  and  strong. 

I  told  dad  if  he  would  just  ignore  the  servants, 
as  though  he  did  not  understand  that  they  ex 
pected  a  tip,  that  he  would  be  all  right,  so  when 
we  got  ready  to  move  from  the  hotel  to  private 
rooms  dad  never  gave  any  servant  a  tip.  Well, 
I  don't  know  what  the  servants  did  to  our  bag 
gage,  but  they  must  have  marked  it  with  a  small 
pox  sign,  or  something,  for  nobody  would  touch 
it  for  several  hours,  but  finally  a  baggage  man 
took  it  and  started  for  our  apartments,  and  got 
lost,  and  didn't  show  up  for  two  days,  and  when 
it  was  finally  landed  on  the  sidewalk  nobody 
would  carry  it  upstairs,  and  dad  and  I  had  to  lug 
it  up  two  flights,  and  I  thought  dad  would  have 
apoplexy. 

We  found  a  guide  who  could  talk  New  Orleans 
English  and  he  said  it  would  cost  three  dollars  to 
square  it  with  the  servants  at  the  hotel,  and  have 
the  boycott  removed  from  our  baggage,  and  dad 
paid  it,  and  now  he  coughs  up  a  tip  every  time 
he  sees  a  servant  look  at  him.  He  pays  when  he 
goes  in  a  restaurant  and  when  he  comes  out,  and 
says  he  is  cured  of  trying  to  reform  the  customs 
of  anybody  else's  country. 

138 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


We  have  engaged  a  guide  to  stay  with  us  day 
and  night.  The  guide  took  us  out  for  a  bat 
last  night,  and  dad  had  the  time  of  his  life.  Dad 
has  drank  a  good  deal  of  spiritous  and  malt  liq 
uors  in  his  time,  but  I  don't  think  he  ever  indulged 


And  now  he  coughs  up  a  tip  every  time  he  sees  a  servant  look 

at  him. 

much  in  champagne  at  three  or  four  dollars  a 
bottle  at  home.  Maybe  he  has  been  saving  him 
self  up  till  he  got  over  here,  where  champagne 
is  cheap  and  it  takes  several  quarts  to  make  you 
see  angels.  The  guide  took  us  to  one  of  these 
bullyvards,  where  there  are  tables  out  on  the  side- 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

walk,  and  you  can  eat  and  drink  and  look  at  the 
dukes  and  counts  and  dutchesses  and  things  prom 
enading  up  and  down,  flirting  like  sin,  and  we  sat 
down  to  a  table  and  ordered  things  to  eat  and 
drink,  and  dad  looked  like  Uncle  Sam,  and  felt  his 
»  oats. 

When  he  had  drank  a  few  thimblefuls  of  ab 
sinthe,  and  some  champagne,  and  eat  a  plateful 
of  frogs,  he  was  just  ripe  for  trouble.  A  woman 
and  a  man  at  an  adjoining  table  had  one  of  these 
white  dogs  that  is  sheared  like  a  hedge  fence,  with 
spots  of  long  hair  left  on  in  places,  and  dad  coaxed 
the  dog  over  to  our  table  and  began  to  feed  him 
frogs'  legs,  and  the  woman  began  to  talk  French 
out  loud,  and  look  cross  at  dad,  and  the  count  that 
was  with  her  came  over  to  our  table  and  looked 
at  dad  in  a  tone  of  voice  that  meant  trouble,  and 
said  something  sassy,  and  the  guide  said  the  man 
wanted  to  fight  a  duel  because  dad  had  contam 
inated  the  woman's  dog,  and  dad  got  mad  and 
offered  to  wipe  out  the  whole  place,  and  he  got  up 
with  a  champagne  bottle  and  looked  defiance  at 
the  count,  and  the  waiters  began  to  scatter,  when 
the  woman  came  up  to  dad  and  begged  him  not  to 
hurt  the  count,  and  as  she  spoke  broken  English 
dad  could  understand  her,  and  she  looked  so  beau 
tiful,  and  her  eyes  were  filled  with  tears,  and  dad 

140 


"Don't  cry  dear,  I  won't  hurt  the  little  runt: 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

relented  and  said :  "  Don't  cry,  dear,  I  won't 
hurt  the  little  runt."  She  was  so  glad  dad  was 
not  going  to  kill  the  count  that  she  threw  her 
self  into  his  arms  and  thanked  dear  America  for 
producing  such  a  grand  citizen,  such  a  brave  man 
as  dad,  who  could  forego  the  pleasure  of  killing  a 
poor,  weak  man  who  had  insulted  him,  particular 
ly  as  dad's  wild  Indian  ancestry  made  it  hard 
for  him  to  refrain  from  blood. 

Well,  dad's  face  was  a  study,  as  he  braced  up 
and  held  that  150  pounds  of  white  meat  in  his 
arms,  with  all  the  people  looking  on,  and  he 
seemed  proud  and  heroic,  and  he  stroked  her  hair 
and  told  her  not  to  worry,  and  finally  she  hied  her 
self  away  from  dad  and  the  count  took  her  away, 
and  they  went  up  the  bully vard,  and  after  all  was 
quiet  again  dad  said :  "  Hennery,  let  this  be  a 
lesson  to  you.  When  you  are  tempted  to  com 
mit  a  rash  act  and  avenge  an  insult  in  blood,  stop 
and  think  of  the  sorrow  and  shame  that  will  come 
to  you  if  you  draw  your  gun  too  quick,  and  have 
a  widow  on  your  hands  as  the  result.  Suppose 
I  had  killed  that  shrimp,  the  face  of  his  widow 
would  have  haunted  me  always,  and  I  would  have 
wanted  to  die.  Don't  ever  kill  anybody,  my  boy, 
if  you  can  settle  a  dispute  by  shaking  the  dice." 
l,  dad  ordered  some  more  wine,  *nd  as  J" 

142 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

drank  it,  he  allowed  the  populace  to  admire  him 
and  say  things  about  the  great  American  million 
aire,  who  spent  money  like  water  and  was  too 
brave  to  fight.  Then  dad  called  for  his  check  to 
pay  his  bill,  and  when  he  felt  in  his  pocket  for  his 
roll  of  bills,  he  hadn't  a  nickel  and  the  woman, 
when  she  was  in  his  arms,  weeding  with  one  hand, 
had  gone  through  dad's  pockets  with  the  other. 
Dad  felt  for  his  watch,  to  see  what  time  it  was, 
and  his  watch  was  gone,  and  the  waiter  was  wait 
ing  for  the  money  and  dad  tried  to  explain  that  he 
had  been  buncoed,  and  the  head  waiter  came  and 
begun  to  act  sassy,  and  then  they  called  a  police 
man  to  stay  by  us  till  the  money  was  produced, 
and  everybody  at  the  other  tables  laughed,  and 
dad  turned  blue,  and  I  thought  he  would  have  a 
fit..  Finally,  the  guide  began  to  talk,  and  the  re 
sult  was  that  a  policeman  went  home  with  us,  and 
dad  found  money  enough  to  pay  the  bill,  but  he 
talked  language  that  caused  the  landlady  to  ask 
us  to  find  a  new  place. 

The  next  morning  the  guide  showed  up  with 
an  officer  who  had  a  warrant  for  dad  for  hugging 
a  woman  in  a  public  cafe,  and  it  seemed  as  though 
we  were  in  for  it,  but  the  guide  said  he  could  set 
tle  the  whole  business  by  paying  the  officer  $20, 
and  dad  paid  it  and  I  think  the  guide  and  the  offi- 

143 


'The  waiter  was  waiting  for  his  money  and  Dad  tried  to  explain 
he  had  been  buncoed." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

cer  divided  the  money.  Say,  this  is  the  greatest 
town  we  have  struck  yet  for  excitement,  and  I 
guess  dad  will  not  have  a  chance  to  think  of  his 
sickness. 

This  morning  we  went  into  a  big  department 
store,  and,  by  gosh !  we  found  the  count  that  dad 
was  going  to  fight  was  a  floor- walker,  and  the 
countess  was  behind  a  counter  selling  soap.  When 
dad  saw  the  count  leering  at  him,  he  put  his  hand 
on  his  pistol  pocket  and  yelled  a  regular  cowboy 
yell,  and  the  count  rushed  down  into  the  base 
ment,  the  soap  countess  fainted,  and  the  police 
took  dad  to  the  police  station,  and  all  day  the 
guide  and  I  have  been  trying  to  get  him  out  on 
bail.  If  we  get  dad  out  of  this  we  are  going  to 
put  a  muzzle  on  him.  Well,  if  anyone  asks  you 
if  I  am  having  much  of  a  time  abroad,  you  can 
tell  them  the  particulars. 

P.  S. — We  got  dad  out  for  $20  and  costs,  and 
he  says  he  will  blow  Paris  up  before  night.  We 
are  going  up  to  the  top  of  the  Eiffel  tower  this 
afternoon,  to  count  our  money,  as  dad  dassent 
take  out  his  pocketbook  anywhere  on  the  ground 
for  fear  of  being  robbed.  Yours  full  of  frogs, 

HENNERY, 


145 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XII. 

The  Bad  Boy's  Second  Letter  from  Paris — Dad  Pos»,_ 

as  a  Mormon  Bishop  and  Has  to  Be  Rescued — 

They  Climb  the  Eiffel  Tower  and  the 

Old  Man  Gets  Converted. 

Paris,  France. — Old  Pardner  in  Crime :  I  got 
your  letter,  telling  me  about  the  political  cam 
paign  that  is  raging  at  home,  and  when  I  read  it 
to  dad  he  wanted  to  go  right  out  and  fill  up  on 
campaign  whisky  and  yell  for  his  presidential  can 
didate,  but  he  couldn't  find  any  whisky,  so  he  has 
not  tried  to  carry  any  precincts  of  Paris  for  our 
standard-bearer. 

There  is  something  queer  about  the  liquor  here. 
There  is  no  regular  campaign  beverage.  At  home 
you  can  select  a  drink  that  is  appropriate  for  any 
stage  of  a  campaign.  When  the  nominations  are 
first  made  you  are  not  excited  and  beer  and  cheese 
sandwiches  seem  to  fit  the  case  A  little  later, 
when  the  orators  begin  to  come  out  into  the 
open  and  shake  their  hair,  you  take  cocktails 
and  your  eyes  begin  to  resemble  those  of  a  caged 
rat,  and  you  are  ready  to  quarrel  with  an  oppon 
ent.  The  next  stage  in  the  campaign  is  the 

146 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

whisky  stage,  and  when  you  have  got  plenty  of 
it  the  campaign  may  be  said  to  be  open,  and  you 
wear  black  eyes  and  lose  your  teeth,  and  you 
swear  strange  oaths  and  smell  of  kerosene,  and 
only  sleep  in  the  morning.  Then  election  comes 
and  if  your  side  wins  you  drink  all  kinds  of  things 
at  once  for  a  week,  shout  hoarsely  and  then  go 
to  the  Keeley  cure,  but  if  your  party  loses  you 
stay  home  and  take  a  course  of  treatment  for  ner 
vous  prostration  and  say  you  will  never  mix  up  in 
another  campaign. 

Here  in  France  it  is  different.  The  people  have 
nervous  prostration  to  start  on,  start  a  campaign 
on  champagne,  wind  up  on  absinthe,  and  after  the 
votes  are  counted  go  to  an  insane  asylum.  I  do 
not  know  what  first  got  dad  to  drink  absinthe 
and  I  don't  know  what  it  is,  but  it  looks  like  soap 
suds,  tastes  like  seed  cookies  and  smells  like 
vermifuge.  But  it  gets  there  just  the  same  and 
the  result  of  drinking  it  is  about  the  same  as  the 
result  of  drinking  anything  in  France — it  makes 
you  want  to  hug  somebody. 

At  home  when  a  man  gets  full  of  whisky,  he 
wants  to  hug  the  man  he  drinks  with  and  weep  on 
his  collar,  and  then  hit  him  on  the  head  with  a 
bottle ;  but  here  every  kind  of  drink  puts  the  drink 
er  in  condition  to  want  to  hug.  Dad  says  he 

147 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

never  knew  he  had  a  brain  until  he  learned  to 
drink  absinthe,  but  now  he  can  close  his  eyes  and 
see  things  worse  than  any  mince  pie  nightmare, 
and  when  we  go  out  among  people  he  never  sees 
a  man  at  all,  but  when  a  woman  passes  along, 
dad's  eyes  begin  to  take  turns  winking  at  them 
and  it  is  all  I  can  do  to  keep  him  from  proposing 
marriage  to  every  woman  he  sees. 

I  thought  I  would  break  him  of  this  woman 
foolishness,  so  I  told  everybody  dad  was  a  Mor 
mon  bishop,  and  had  a  grand  palace  at  Salt  Lake 
City,  and  owned  millions  of  gold  mines  and  tab 
ernacles  and  wanted  to  marry  a  thousand  women 
and  take  them  to  Utah  and  place  them  at  the  head 
of  homes  of  their  own,  and  he  would  just  call  once 
or  twice  a  week  and  leave  bags  of  gold  for  his 
wives  to  spend.  A  newspaper  reporter,  that  could 
talk  English,  wrote  a  piece  for  a  paper  about 
dad  wanting  to  marry  a  whole  lot  and  he  said 
life  in  Utah  was  better  than  a  Turkish  harem, 
cause  the  wives  of  a  Mormon  bishop  did  not  have 
to  be  locked  up  and  watched  by  unix,  but  could 
flirt  and  blow  in  money  and  go  out  to  dances  and 
have  just  as  much  fun  as  though  they  lived  in 
Newport,  and  had  got  divorces  from  millionaires, 
and  he  said  any  woman  who  wanted  to  marry  a 

148 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

Mormon  bishop  could  meet  dad  on  the  bullyvard 
near  a  certain  monument,  on  a  certain  day. 
I  was  on  to  it,  with  the  reporter,  and  we  hired 


I  put  a  big  red  badge  on  Dad's  breast  with  the  word  "Bishop" 

on  it. 

a  carriage  and  went  to  the  bullyvard,  just  at  the 
time  the  newspaper  said  and  I  put  a  big  red  badge 
on  dad's  breast,  with  the  word  "Bishop"  on  it, and 

149 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

dad  had  been  drinking  absinthe  and  he  thought 
the  badge  was  a  kind  of  sign  of  nobility.  Well, 
you'd  adide  to  see  the  bunch  of  women  that  were 
there  to  meet  dad.  "  What's  the  matter  here  ?  " 
said  dad,  as  he  saw  the  crowd  of  women,  looking 
like  they  were  there  in  answer  to  an  advertise 
ment  for  nurses.  I  told  dad  to  stand  up  in  the 
carriage,  like  Dowie  does  in  Chicago,  and  hold 
out  his  hands  and  say :  "  Bless  you,  my  chil 
dren,"  and  when  dad  got  up  to  bless  them,  the  re 
porter  and  I  got  out  of  the  carriage,  and  the  re 
porter,  which  could  talk  French,  said  for  all  the 
women  who  wanted  to  be  Mormon  wives  to  get 
into  the  carriage  with  the  bishop  and  be  sealed 
for  life. 

Well,  sir,  you'd  a  thought  it  was  a  remnant 
sale!  More  than  a  dozen  got  into  the  carriage 
with  dad,  and  about  400  couldn't  get  in,  but  when 
the  scared  driver  started  up  the  horses,  they  all 
followed  the  carriage,  and  then  the  mounted  po 
lice  surrounded  the  whole  bunch  and  moved  them 
off  towards  the  police  station,  and  dad  under  the 
wagonload  of  females,  each  one  trying  to  get  the 
nearest  to  him,  so  as  to  be  his  favorite  wife. 

It  got  noised  around  that  a  foreign  potent-ate 
had  been  arrested  with  his  whole  harem  for  con 
duct  unbecoming  to  a  potent-ate,  and  so  when  we 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

got  to  the  jail  dad  had  to  be  rescued  from  his 
wives,  and  they  were  driven  into  a  side  street  by 
the  police,  and  dad  was  locked  up  to  save  his  life. 
The  reporter  and  I  went  to  the  jail  to  get  him 
out,  but  we  had  to  buy  a  new  suit  of  clothes  for 
him,  as  everything  was  torn  off  him  in  the  Mor 
mon  rush.  Dad  was  a  sight  when  we  found  him 


Dad  was  a  sight  when  we  found  him  in  jail. 


in  jail,  and  he  thought  his  bones  were  broken, 
and  he  wanted  to  know  what  was  the  cause  of 
his  sudden  popularity  with  the  fair  sex,  and  I 
told  him  it  all  came  from  his  looking  so  con 
founded  distinguished,  and  his  flirting  with  wom 
en.  He  said  he  would  swear  he  never  looked  at 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

one  of  those  women  in  a  tone  of  voice  that  would 
deceive  a  Sunday  school  teacher,  and  he  felt  as 
though  he  was  being  misunderstood  in  France. 
We  told  him  the  only  way  to  get  out  of  jail  was  to 
say  he  was  a  crowned  head  from  Oshkosh,  trav 
eling  incog,  and  when  he  began  to  stand  on  his 
dignity  and  demand  that  a  messenger  be  sent  for 
the  president  of  France,  to  apologize  for  the 
treatment  he  had  received,  the  jailer  and  police 
begged  his  pardon  and  we  dressed  him  up  in  his 
new  clothes  and  got  him  out,  and  we  went  to 
the  Eiffel  tower  to  get  some  fresh  air. 

I  suppose  you  have  seen  pictures  of  the  Eiffel 
tower,  on  the  advertisements  of  breakfast  food  in 
your  grocery,  but  you  can  form  no  idea  of  the 
height  and  magnificence  of  the  tower  by  studying 
advertisements.  You  may  think  that  the  pictures 
you  see  of  world  events  on  your  cans  of  baked 
beans  and  maple  syrup  and  soap,  give  you  the 
benefit  of  foreign  travel,  but  it  does  not.  You 
have  got  to  see  the  real  thing  or  you  are  not  fit 
to  even  talk  about  what  you  think  you  have  seen. 
You  remember  that  Ferris  wheel  at  the  Chicago 
world's  fair,  and  how  we  thought  it  was  the  great 
est  thing  ever  made  of  steel,  so  high  that  it  made 
us  dizzy  to  look  to  the  top  of  it,  and  when  we 
went  up  on  the  wheel  we  thought  we  could  see 

152 


"  When  the  guide  tells  you  the  flies  crawling   around  on  the 
ground  are  men  and  women  you  think  he  has  been  drinking." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

the  world,  from  Alaska  to  South  Africa,  and  we 
marveled  at  the  work  of  man  and  prayed  that  we 
be  permitted  to  get  down  off  that  wheel  alive,  and 
not  be  spilled  down  through  the  rarified  Chicago 
atmosphere  and  flattened  on  the  pavement  so  thin 
we  would  have  to  be  scraped  up  off  the  pavement 
with  a  case  knife,  like  a  buckwheat  cake  that 
sticks  to  the  griddle. 

You  remember,  old  man,  how  you  cried  when 
our  sentence  to  ride  in  the  Ferris  wheel  expired, 
and  the  jailer  of  the  wheel  opened  the  cell  and 
let  us  out,  and  you  said  no  one  would  ever  get  you 
to  ride  again  on  anything  that  you  couldn't  jump 
out -of  if  it  balked,  or  you  got  wheels  in  your  head 
and  chunks  of  things  came  up  to  your  Adam's 
apple  and  choked  you.  Well,  cross  my  heart,  if 
that  Ferris  wheel,  that  looked  so  big  to  us,  would 
make  a  main  spring  for  the  Eiffel  tower.  The 
tower  is  higher  than  a  kite,  and  when  you  get  near 
it  and  try  to  look  up  to  the  top,  you  think  it  is 
a  joke,  and  that  really  no  one  actually  goes  up 
to  the  top  of  it.  You  see  some  flies  up  around  the 
top  of  it,  and  when  the  guide  tells  you  the  flies 
crawling  around  there  are  men  and  women,  you 
think  the  guide  has  been  drinking. 

But  dad  and  I  and  the  guide  paid  our  money, 
got  into  an  elevator  and  began  to  go  up.  After 

153 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

the  thing  had  been  going  up  awhile  dad  said  he 
wouldn't  go  up  more  than  a  mile  or  so  at  first,  and 
asked  the  man  to  let  him  off  at  the  3,ooo-foot 
level,  but  the  elevator  man  said  dad  had  got  to 
take  all  the  degrees  and  dad  said :  "  Let  her 
went,"  and  after  an  hour  or  so  we  got  to  the 
top. 

Gee!  but  I  thought  dad  would  fall  dead  right 
there,  when  he  looked  off  at  Paris  and  the  world 
beyond.  The  flies  we  had  seen  at  the  top  before 
starting  had  changed  to  human  beings,  all  look 
ing  pale  and  scared,  and  the  human  beings  on 
the  ground  had  changed  into  flies  and  bugs,  for 
all  you  could  see  of  a  man  on  the  ground  was  his 
feet  with  a  flattened  plug  hat  someway  fastened 
on  the  ankles,  and  a  woman  looked  like  a  spoon 
ful  of  raspberry  jam  dropped  on  the  pavement, 
or  a  splash  of  current  jelly  moving  on  the  ground 
in  a  mysterious  way.  I  do  not  know  as  the  Eiffel 
tower  was  intended  to  act  as  a  Keeley  cure,  but 
of  the  50  people  who  went  up  with  us,  half  of  them 
were  so  full  their  back  teeth  were  floating,  in 
cluding  dad  and  the  guide,  but  when  we  got  to 
the  top  and  they  got  a  view  of  the  awful  height 
to  which  we  had  come,  it  seemed  as  though  every 
man  got  sober  at  once,  and  their  tongues  seemed 
to  cleave  to  the  roof  of  their  mouths.  All  they 

154 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

could  do  was  to  look  off  at  the  city  and  the  view 
in  the  distance,  and  choke  up,  and  look  sorry 
about  something. 

I  couldn't  help  thinking  of  what  sort  of  a  pulp 
a  man  would  be  if  he  fell  off  the  top  of  the  tower 
and  struck  a  fat  woman  on  the  pavement,  cause 


Dad  went  up  to  her,  took  out  a  five  dollar  bill,  and  put  it  in  the 
tambourine  of  the  lassie. 

it  seemed  to  me  you  couldn't  tell  which  was  fat 
woman  and  which  was  man.  I  never  saw  such  a 
change  in  a  man  as  there  was  in  dad,  after  he 
got  his  second  wind  and  got  his  voice  working. 
He  looked  like  a  man  who  had  made  up  his  mind 
to  lead  a  different  life  and  begin  right  there. 

135 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

There  was  a  Salvation  Army  man  and  woman  in 
the  crowd  and  dad  went  up  to  them.  He  took  out 
a  five-dollar  bill  and  put  it  in  the  tambourine  of 
the  lassie,  and  said  to  the  man  and  woman: 
"  Now,  look  a  here,  I  want  to  join  your  church, 
and  if  you  have  got  the  facilities  for  giving  me 
the  degrees,  you  can  sign  me  as  a  Christian  right 
now.  I  have  been  a  bad  man,  and  never  thought 
I  needed  the  benefits  of  religious  training,  but 
since  I  got  up  here,  so  near  Heaven,  in  an  eleva 
tor  which  I  will  bet  $10  will  break  and  kill  us  all 
before  we  get  down  to  Paris,  I  want  you  to  pre 
pare  me  for  the  hereafter  quick." 

Some  of  the  other  fellows  laughed  at  dad,  and 
the  Salvation  Army  people  looked  as  though  dad 
was  drunk,  but  he  continued :  "  You  can  laugh 
and  be  jammed,  but  I'll  never  leave  this  place  un 
til  I  am  a  pious  man,  and  you  Salvation  Army 
people  have  got  to  enlist  me  in  your  army,  for  I 
am  scared  plum  to  death.  Go  ahead  and  convert 
me,  while  we  wait."  The  Salvation  Army  cap 
tain  put  his  hand  on  dad's  head,  the  girl  held  out 
the  tambourine  for  another  contribution,  and  dad 
felt  a  sweet  peace  come  over  him,  and  we  went 
down  in  the  elevator  and  took  a  hack  to  the  hotel, 
and  dad's  lips  worked  as  though  in  pain.  H. 


156 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

The  Bad  Boy's  Dad  and  a  Man  from  Dakota  Frame 

Up  a  Scheme  to  Break  the  Bank,  But  They  Go 

Broke — The  Party  in  Trouble. 

Monte  Carlo. — Dear  Uncle:  I  blush  to  write 
the  name,  Monte  Carlo,  at  the  head  of  a  letter 
to  anyone  that  is  a  Christian,  or  who  believes  in 
honesty  and  decency,  and  earning  a  living  by  the 
sweat  of  one's  brow,  for  this  place  is  the  limit. 
If  I  should  write  anybody  a  letter  from  South 
Clark  street,  Chicago,  the  recipient  would  know 
I  had  gone  wrong,  and  was  located  in  the  midst 
of  a  bad  element,  and  the  inference  would  be 
that  I  was  the  worst  fakir,  robber,  hold-up  man 
or  assassin  in  the  bunch. 

The  inference  you  must  draw  from  the  head 
ing  of  this  letter  is  that  dad  and  I  have  taken 
all  the  degree  of  badness  and  are  now  winding 
up  our  career  by  taking  the  last  degree,  before 
passing  in  our  chips  and  committing  suicide.  Do 
you  know  what  this  place  is,  old  man?  Monaco 
is  a  principality,  about  six  miles  square,  ruled  by 
a  prince,  and  the  whole  business  of  the  country,, 

157 


Dad  and  the  man  from  Dakota  going  to  break  the  bank. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

for  it  is  a  "  country  "  the  same  as  though  it  had  a 
king,  is  gambling.  They  have  all  the  different 
kinds  of  gambling,  from  chuck-a-luck  at  two  bits 
to  roulette  at  a  million  dollars  a  minute.  What 
started  dad  to  come  to  Monte  Carlo  is  more  than 
I  know,  unless  it  was  a  new  American  he  has  got 
acquainted  with,  a  fellow  from  North  Dakota, 
that  dad  met  at  a  sort  of  dance  that  he  did  not 
take  me  to.  It  seems  there  is  a  place  in  Paris 
where  they  go  to  see  men  and  women  dance — one 
of  those  dances  where  they  kick  so  high  that  their 
feet  hit  the  gas  fixtures. 

Well,  all  I  know  about  it  is  that  one  Wednes 
day,  night  dad  said  he  felt  as  though  it  was  his 
duty  to  go  to  prayer  meeting,  so  he  could  say 
when  he  got  home  that  in  all  the  frivolities  of  a 
trip  abroad,  even  in  wicked  Paris,  he  never  neg 
lected  his  church  duties.  I  never  was  stuck  on 
going  to  prayer  meeting,  so  dad  let  me  stay  at 
the  hotel  and  play  pool  with  the  cash  register  boy 
in  the  barroom,  and  dad  took  a  hymn  book  and 
went  out,  looking  pious  as  I  ever  saw  him. 

My,  what  a  difference  there  was  in  dad  in  the 
morning.  I  woke  up  about  daylight,  and  dad 
came  into  the  room  with  a  strange  man,  with 
spinach  on  his  chin,  and  they  began  to  dance,  like 
they  had  seen  the  people  dance  at  the  show  where 

159 


'Began   to  dance  like  they  had  seen   the  people  dance  at  the 
show  where  they  had  passed  the  evening." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

they  had  passed  the  evening.  They  were  un 
dressed,  except  their  underclothes,  which  were 
these  combination  suits,  so  when  a  man  gets  into 
them  he  is  sealed  up  like  a  bologna,  and  he  has 
to  have  help  when  he  wants  to  get  out  to  take  a 
bath,  and  he  has  to  have  an  outsider  button  him 
in  with  a  button  hook.  Gee,  I  would  rather  be  a 
sausage  and  done  with  it!  Well,  dad  and  this 
man  from  Dakota  kicked  high  until  dad  caught  by 
the  ankle  on  a  gas  bracket,  and  the  strange  man 
got  me  up  out  of  bed  to  help  unloosen  dad  and 
get  him  down  before  he  was  black  in  the  face. 
Finally  we  got  dad  down  and  then  the  two  old 
codgers  began  to  discuss  a  proposition  to  go  to 
Monte  Carlo  to  break  the  bank. 

The  Dakota  man  agreed  that  Americans  had 
no  right  to  be  spending  their  own  money  doing 
Europe,  when  their  genius  was  equal  to  the  task 
of  acquiring  the  money  of  the  less  intelligent  for 
eigners.  He  said  they  could  go  to  Monte  Carlo 
and  by  a  system  of  gambling  which  he  had  used 
successfully  in  the  Black  Hills  they;could  carry 
away  all  the  money  they  could  pile  into  sacks. 
The  man  said  he  would  guarantee  to  break  the 
bank  if  dad  would  put  his  money  against  the  Da 
kota  man's  experience  as  a  gambler,  and  they 
would  divide  the  proceeds  equally.  Dad  bit  like 

161 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


a  bass.  He  said  he  had  always  had  an  element 
of  adventure  in  his  make-up,  and  had  always  liked 
to  take  chances,  and  from  what  he  had  heard  of 
the  fabulous  sums  won  and  lost  at  Monte  Carlo, 

W 


There  was  to  be  some  fun  besides  the  winning  of  money,  because 
they  talked  of  going  out  in  the  park  and  on  the  terraces 
*  *  *  and  seeing  the  poor  devils  who  had  gone  broke 
commit  suicide. 

he  could  see  that  if  a  syndicate  could  be  formed 
that  would  win  most  of  the  time,  he  could  see  that 
there  was  more  money  in  it  than  in  any  manu- 

162 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

facturing  enterprise,  and  he  was  willing  to  finance 
the  scheme. 

The  Dakota  man  fairly  hugged  dad,  and  he 
told  dad  in  confidence  that  they  two  could  divide 
up  money  enough  to  make  them  richer  than  they 
ever  dreamed  of,  and  all  the  morning  they  dis 
cussed  the  plan,  and  made  a  list  of  things  they 
would  need  to  get  away  with  the  money.  They 
provided  themselves  with  canvas  sacks  to  carry 
away  the  gold,  and  dad  drew  all  his  money  out 
of  the  bank,  and  that  evening  we  took  a  train 
for  Monte  Carlo.  All  the  way  here  dad  and  his 
new  friend  chuckled  over  the  sensation  they  would 
make  among  the  gamblers,  and  I  became  real  in 
terested  in  the  scheme.  There  was  to  be  some 
fun  besides  the  winning  of  the  money,  because 
they  talked  of  going  out  in  the  park  and  on  the 
terraces  when  they  were  tired  of  winning  mon 
ey,  and  seeing  the  poor  devils  who  had  gone  broke 
commit  suicide,  as  that  is  said  to  be  one  of  the 
features  of  the  place. 

Well,  we  got  a  suite  of  rooms  and  the  first  day 
we  looked  over  the  place,  and  ate  free  banquets 
and  saw  how  the  people  dressed,  and  just  looked 
prosperous  and  showed  money  on  the  slightest 
provocation,  and  got  the  hang  of  things.  Dad 
was  to  go  in  the  big  gambling  room  in  the  after- 

163 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

noon  with  his  pockets  fairly  dropsical  with  mon 
ey,  and  the  Dakota  man  was  to  do  the  betting, 
and  dad  was  to  hold  one  of  the  canvas  bags,  and 
when  it  was  full  we  were  to  take  it  to  our  room, 
and  quit  gambling  for  awhile,  to  give  the  bank  a 
chance  to  raise  more  money.  Dad  insisted  that 
his  partner  should  lose  a  small  bet  once  in  awhile, 
so  the  bank  should  not  get  on  to  the  fact  that  we 
had  a  cinch. 

After  luncheon  we  entered  the  big  gambling 
room,  in  full-dress  suits,  and,  by  gosh !  it  was  like 
a  king's  reception.  There  were  hundreds  of  men 
and  women,  dressed  for  a  party,  and  it  did  not 
seem  like  a  gambling  hell,  except  that  there  werQ 
piles  of  gold  as  big  as  stoves,  on  all  the  tables,  and 
the  guests  were  provided  with  silver  rakes,  with 
long  handles,  to  rake  in  the  money.  Dad  said  in 
a  whisper  to  the  Dakota  man :  "  What  is  the  use 
of  taking  the  trouble  to  run  a  gold  mine,  and  get 
all  dirtied  up  digging  dirty  nuggets,  when  you 
can  get  nice,  clean  gold,  all  coined,  ready  to  spend, 
by  betting  right  ?  "  And  then  dad  turned  to  me 
and  he  said :  "  Hennery,  don't  let  the  sight  of 
this  wealth  make  you  avaricious.  Don't  be  purse- 
proud  when  you  find  that  your  poor  father,  after 
years  of  struggle  against  adversity,  and  the 
machinations  of  designing  men,  has  got  next  to 

164 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

'the  Pierpont  Morgan  class  and  has  money  to  buy 
railroads.  Don't  get  excited  when  we  begin  to 
bag  the  money,  but  just  act  as  though  it  was  a 
regular  thing  with  us  to  salt  down  our  gold  for 
winter,  the  same  as  we  do  our  pork." 

A  count,  or  a  duke,  gave  us  nice  seats,  and 
rakes  to  haul  in  the  money ;  a  countess,  with  a  low- 
necked  dress,  winked  at  dad  when  he  reached 
into  his  pistol  pocket  and  brought  out  a  roll  of 
bills  and  handed  them  to  the  Dakota  man,  who 
bought  $500  worth  of  red  chips,  and  when  the 
man  looked  the  roulette  table  over  and  put  about 
a  pint  of  chips  on  the  red,  dad  choked  up  so  he 
was  almost  black  in  the  face,  and  began  to  per 
spire  so  I  had  to  wipe  my  face  with  a  handker 
chief ;  the  gambler  rolled  the  wheel  and  when  the 
ball  stopped  on  the  red,  and  dad  did  the  raking 
and  raked  in  a  quart  of  chips,  and  dad  shook 
hands  with  the  Dakota  man  and  said :  "  Pard, 
we  have  got  'em  on  the  run,"  and  reached  for  his 
sack  to  put  in  the  first  installment  of  acquired 
wealth,  and  the  low-necked  countess  smiled  a 
ravishing  smile  on  dad,  and  dad  looked  as  though 
he  owned  a  brewery,  and  the  Dakota  man  twisted 
his  chin  whiskers  and  acted  like  he  was  sorry 
for  the  Monte  Carlo  bank,  I  just  got  so  faint  with 
joy  that  I  almost  cried. 

165 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

To  think  we  had  skinned  along  as  economical 
ly  as  possible  all  our  lives,  and  never  made  much 
money,  and  now,  through  this  Dakota  genius,  and 
this  Monte  Carlo  opportunity,  we  had  wealth  rak 
ing  in  by  the  bushel,  made  me  feel  great,  and  I 
wondered  why  more  people  had  not  found  out 
this  faraway  place,  where  people  could  become 
rich  and  prosperous  in  a  day,  if  they  had  the 
nerve.  I  tell  you,  old  man,  it  was  great,  and  I 
was  going  to  cable  you  to  sell  out  your  grocery 
for  what  you  could  get  at  forced  sale  and  come 
here  with  the  money,  gamble  and  become  a  mil 
lionaire. 

Monte  Carlo  (the  next  day). — My  Dear  Uncle 
Ezra :  I  do  not  know  how  to  write  you  the  sequel 
to  this  tragedy.  After  our  Dakota,  partner,  with 
the  Black  Hills  system  of  beating  a  roulette  game, 
had  won  the  first  bet,  he  never  guessed  the  right 
color  again,  and  dad  had  no  more  use  for  the 
rake.  Every  time  he  bet  and  lost,  he  would  reach 
out  to  dad  for  more  money,  and  dad  would  reach 
into  another  pocket  and  dig  up  another  roll,  and 
the  countess  would  laugh  and  dad  had  to  act  as 
though  he  enjoyed  losing  money. 

It  was  about  dark  when  dad  had  fished  up  the 
last  hundred  dollars  and  it  was  gone  before  dad 
could  wink  back  to  the  countess,  then  the  Dakota 

166 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

man  looked  at  dad  for  more,  and  dad  shook  his 
head  and  said  it  was  all  off,  and  they  looked  at 
each  other  a  minute,  and  then  we  all  three  got  up 
and  went  out  in  the  park  to  see  the  people  who 
had  gone  broke  commit  suicide,  but  there  was 
not  a  revolver  shot  and  dad  and  the  Dakota  man 
sat  down  on  a  seat  and  I  looked  at  the  moon. 


He  would  reach  out  to  Dad  for  more  money,  and  Dad  would 
reach  into  another  pocket  and  dig  up  another  roll. 

Dad  looked  at  the  Dakota  man  and  said :  "  You 
started  me  in  all  right.  What  happened  to  your 
system?"  The  Dakota  man  was  silent  for  a 
moment,  and  then  he  pointed  to  me  and  said: 
"  That  imp  of  yours  crossed  his  fingers  every 
time  I  bet,  except  the  first  time."  Dad  called  me 
to  him,  and  he  said :  "  Hennery,  let  this  be  a 

167 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

lesson  to  you.  Never  to  cross  your  fingers.  You 
have  ruined  your  dad,"  and  he  turned  his  pockets 
inside  out,  and  hadn't  change  for  a  dollar  note, 
and  he  gave  me  the  empty  sack  to  carry,  and  we 
went  to  our  suite  of  rooms,  knowing  we  would  be 
fired  out  into  the  cold  world. 

It  will  take  a  week  to  get  money  from  the 
states,  and  we  may  be  sent  to  the  work  house,  as 
we  are  broke,  and  haven't  got  the  means  even  to 
commit  suicide.  Don't  tell  ma.  Yours, 

HENNERY. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XIV,, 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His   Dad   Have  an  Automobile 
Ride — They  Run  Over  a  Peasant — Climb  "Gla 
ziers" — Dad  Falls   Over  a  Precipice,  But 
Is  Rescued  by  the  Guides  After  a 
Hard  Time  of  It. 

Geneva,  Switzerland. — My  Dear  Old  Man :  By 
ginger,  but  I  would  like  to  be  home  now.  I  have 
had  enough  of  foreign  travel ;  I  don't  see  what  is 
the  use  of  traveling,  to  see  people  of  foreign  counr 
tries,  when  you  can  go  to  any  large  city  in  Amerr 
ica,  and  find  more  people  belonging  to  any  for 
eign  country  than  you  can  find  by  going  to  that 
country,  and  they  know  a  confounded  sight  more. 
Take  the  Russians  in  New  York,  the  Norwegians 
of  Minnesota,  the  Italians  of  Chicago,  and  the 
Germans  of  Milwaukee,  •  and  they  can  talk  Eng 
lish,  and  you  can  find  out  all  about  their  own 
countries  by  talking  with  them,  but  you  go  to 
their  countries  and  the  natives  don't  know  that 
there  is  such  a  language  as  the  United  States 
language,  and  they  laugh  at  you  when  you  ask 
questions.  I  am  sick  of  the  whole  business,  and 

169 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

would  give  all  I  ever  expect  to  be  worth,  to  be 
home  right  now,  with  my  skates  sharp. 

I  would  like  to  open  the  door  of  your  old  gro 
cery,  and  take  one  long  breath  and  die  right  there 
on  the  doorstep,  rather  than  to  live  in  luxury 
in  any  foreign  country.  Do  you  know,  I  some 
times  go  into  a  grocery  store  abroad,  and  smell 
around,  in  order  to  get  my  thoughts  on  dear  old 
America,  but  nothing  abroad  smells  as  the  same 
thing  does  in  our  country.  If  I  could  get  one 
more  smell  of  that  keg  of  sauerkraut  back  of  your 
counter,  when  it  is  ripe  enough  to  pick,  I  think  I 
would  break  right  down  and  cry  for  joy.  Of 
course  I  have  smelled  sauerkraut  over  here,  but 
it  all  seems  new  and  tame  compared  to  yours. 
It  may  be  the  kraut  here  is  not  aged  enough  to 
be  good,  but  yours  is  aged  enough  to  vote  and 
sticks  to  your  clothes.  Gee,  but  I  just  ache  to  get 
into  your  grocery  and  eat  things,  and  smell  smells, 
and  then  lay  down  on  the  counter  with  the  cat 
with  my  head  on  a  pile  of  wrapping  paper  and 
go  to  sleep  and  wake  up  in  America,  an  Ameri 
can  citizen,  that  no  king  or  queen  can  tell  to 
"  hush  up  "  and  take  off  my  hat  when  I  want  my 
hat  on. 

You  may  wonder  how  we  got  out  of  Monte 
Carlo,  when  we  had  lost  every  cent  we  had  gam- 

170 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

bling.  Well,  we  wondered  about  it  all  night,  and 
had  our  breakfast  sent  up  to  our  room,  and  had 
it  charged,  expecting  that  when  the  bill  came  in 
we  would  have  to  jump  into  the  ocean,  as  we 
had  no  gun  to  kill  ourselves  with.  Just  after 
breakfast  a  duke,  or  something,  came  to  our 


Started  in  on  a  Democratic  speech. 

room,  and  dad  said  it  was  all  off,  and  he  called 
upon  the  Dakota  man  to  make  a  speech  on  poli 
tics,  while  dad  and  I  skipped  out.  We  thought 
the  duke,  who  was  the  manager  of  the  hotel, 
would  not  understand  the  speech,  and  would  think 
we  were  great  people,  who  had  got  stranded. 

171 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

The  Dakota  man  started  in  on  a  democratic 
speech  that  he  used  to  deliver  in  the  campaign  of 
'96,  and  in  half  an  hour  the  duke  held  up  his 
hands,  and  the  Dakota  man  let  up  on  the  speech. 
Then  the  duke  took  out  a  roll  of  bills  and  said: 
"  Ze  shentlemen  is  what  you  call  bust.  Is  it  not 
so?"  Dad  said  he  could  bet  his  life  it  was  so. 
Then  the  duke  handed  the  roll  of  bills  to  dad,  and 
said  it  was  a  tribute  from  the  prince  of  Monaco, 
and  that  we  were  his  guests,  and  when  our  stay 
was  at  an  end,  automobiles  would  be  furnished 
for  us  to  go  to  Nice,  where  we  could  cable  home 
for  funds,  and  be  happy. 

Well,  when  the  duke  left  us,  dad  said: 
"  Wouldn't  that  skin  you?  "  and  he  gave  the  Da 
kota  man  one  of  the  bills  to  try  on  the  bartender, 
and  when  he  found  the  money  was  good  we  or 
dered  an  automobile  and  skipped  out  for  Nice. 
The  chauffeur  could  not  understand  English,  so 
we  talked  over  the  situation  and  decided  that  the 
only  way  to  be  looked  upon  as  genuine  automo- 
bilists  would  be  to  wear  goggles  and  look  pros 
perous  and  mad  at  everybody.  We  took  turns  look 
ing  mad  at  everybody  we  passed  on  the  road,  and 
got  it  down  so  fine  that  people  picked  up  rocks 

172 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

after  we  had  passed,  and  threw  them  at  us,  and 
then  we  knew  that  we  were  succeeding  in  being 
considered  genuine,  rich  automobile  tourists. 

After  we  had  succeeded  for  an  hour  or  two  in 
convincing  the  people  that  we  were  properly 
heartless  and  purse  proud,  dad  said  the  only  thing 
we  needed  to  make  the  trip  a  success  was  to  run 
over  somebody.  He  said  nearly  all  the  American 
automobile  tourists  in  Europe  had  killed  some 
body  and  had  been  obliged  to  settle  and  support 
a  family  or  two  in  France  or  Italy,  and  they 
were  prouder  of  it  than  they  would  be  if  they  en 
dowed  a  university,  or  built  a  church,  and  he  said 
he  trusted  our  chauffeur  would  not  be  too  care 
ful  in  running  through  the  country,  but  would 
at  least  cripple  some  one. 

Well,  just  before  we  got  to  Nice,  and  darkness 
was  settling  down  on  the  road,  the  chauffeur  blew 
his  horn,  there  was  a  scream  that  would  raise  hair 
on  Horace  Greeley's  head,  the  automobile  stopped, 
and  there  was  a  bundle  of  dusty  old  clothes,  with 
an  old  woman  done  up  in  them,  and  we  jumped 
out  and  lifted  her  up,  and  there  we  were,  the 
woman  in  a  faint,  the  peasants  gathering  around 
us  with  scythes  and  rakes  and  clubs,  demand  in  q; 

173 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

our  lives.  The  bloody-faced  woman  was  taken 
into  a  home,  the  crowd  held  us,  until  finally  a 
doctor  came,  and  after  examining  the  woman 
said  she  might  live,  but  it  would  be  a  tight 
squeeze.  We  wanted  to  go  on,  but  we  didn't  want 
to  be  cut  open  with  a  scythe,  so  finally  a  man, 


Dad  got  down  on  his  knees. 

who  said  he  was  the  husband  of  the  woman,  came 
out  with  a  gun,  dad  got  down  on  his  knees  and 
tried  to  say  a  prayer,  the  Dakota  man  held  up 
both  hands  like  it  was  a  stage  being  held  up,  and 
I  cried.  Finally  the  chauffeur  said,  in  broken 
English,  that  the  husband  would  settle  for  $400, 

174 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

because  he  could  pay  the  funeral  expenses,  get 
another  wife  for  half  the  money  and  have  some 
thing  left  to  lay  up  for  Christmas.  As  the  man's 
gun  was  pointed  at  dad,  he  quit  praying  and  gave 
up  the  money  and  agreed  to  send  $50  a  month  for 
1 1  years,  until  the  oldest  child  was  of  age. 

Well,  we  got  away  alive,  got  into  Nice,  and  the 
chauffeur  started  back  and  we  cabled  home  for 
money  to  be  sent  to  Geneva,  Switzerland.  But, 
say ;  you  have  not  heard  the  sequel.  A  story  that 
has  a  sequel  is  always  the  best,  and  I  hope  to  die 
if  the  police  of  Nice  didn't  tell  us  that  we  were 
buncoed  by  that  old  woman  and  that  the  chauffeur 
was  .in  the  scheme  and  got  part  of  dad's  money. 
The  way  they  do  it  is  to  wait  till  dark,  and  then 
roll  the  woman  in  the  dust  and  put  some  red  ink 
on  her  face,  and  she  pretends  to  be  run  over,  and 
the  doctor  is  hired  by  the  month,  and  they  aver 
age  $500  a  night,  playing  that  game  on  automo 
bile  tourists  from  America.  After  the  woman 
is  run  over  every  night,  and  the  money  is  col 
lected,  and  the  victims  Jiave  been  allowed  to  go  on 
their  way,  the  whole  community  gathers  at  the 
house  of  the  injured  woman  and  they  have  a  cele 
bration  and  a  dance,  and  probably  our  chauffeur 
got  back  to  the  house  that  night  in  time  to  enjoy 
the  celebration.  I  suppose  thousands  of  Ameri- 

175 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

cans  are  paying  money  for  killing  people  that 
never  got  a  scratch. 

Say,  we  think  in  America  that  we  have  plenty 
of  ways  to  rob  the  tenderfoot,  but  they  give  us 
cards  and  spades  and  little  casino  and  beat  us 
every  time.  Dad  wanted  to  hire  a  hack  and  go 
back  and  finish  that  old  woman  with  an  ax,  be 
cause  he  said  he  had  a  corpse  coming  to  him,  but 
the  police  told  him  he  could  be  arrested  for  think 
ing  murder,  and  that  he  was  a  dangerous  man, 
and  that  they  would  give  him  12  hours  to  get  out 
of  France,  and  so  we  bought  tickets  for  Switzer 
land,  though  what  we  came  here  for  I  don't  know, 
only  dad  said  it  was  a  republic  like  America  and 
he  wanted  to  breathe  the  free  air  of  mountains  in 
the  home  of  the  Switzerkase. 

Well,  anybody  can  have  Switzerland  if  they 
want  it.  I  will  sell  my  interest  cheap.  The  first 
three  days  we  were  here  everybody  wanted  us  to 
go  out  on  the  lake,  said  to  be  the  most  beautiful 
lake  in  the  world,  and  we  sailed  on  it,  and  rowed 
on  it,  and  looked  down  into  the  clear  water  where 
it  is  said  you  can  see  a  corpse  on  the  bottom 
of  the  lake  100  feet  down.  We  hadn't  lost  any 
corpse,  except  the  corpse  of  that  old  woman  we 
run  over  at  Nice,  but  we  wanted  to  get  the  worth 
of  our  money,  so  we  kept  looking  for  days,  but 

176 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

the  search  for  a  corpse  becomes  tame  after  awhile, 
and  we  gave  it  up.  All  we  saw  in  the  bottom  of 
the  lake  was  a  cow,  but  no  man  can  weep  properly 
over  the  remains  of  a  cow,  and  dad  said  they 
could  go  to  the  deuce  with  their  corpses,  and  we 


Dad  dropped  about  a  hundred  feet  with  the  rope  on  him. 

just  camped  at  the  hotel  till  our  money  came.  Say, 
that  lake  they  talk  so  much  about  is  no  better  than 
lakes  all  over  Wisconsin,  and  there  are  no  black 
bass  or  muskellunges  in  it. 

The  tourists  here  are  just  daffy  about  climbing 
mountains  and  glaziers,  and  they  talk  about  it  all 

177 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

the  time,  and  I  could  see  dad's  finish.  They  told 
him  that  no  American  that  ever  visited  Switzer 
land  would  be  recognized  when  he  got  home  if  he 
had  not  climbed  the  glaziers,  so  dad  arranged  for 
a  trip  up  into  the  sky.  We  went  100  miles  or 
so  on  the  cars,  passing  along  valleys  where  all 
the  cows  wear  tea  bells,  and  it  sounds  like  chimes 
in  the  distance.  It  is  beautiful  in  Switzerland, 
but  the  cheese  is  something  awful.  A  piece  of 
native  Swiss  cheese  would  break  up  a  family. 

At  night  we  arrived  at  a  station  where  we  hired 
guides  and  clothes,  and  things,  and  the  next 
morning  we  started.  Dad  wanted  me  to  stay  at 
the  station  a  couple  of  days,  while  he  was  gone, 
and  play  with  the  goats,  but  I  told  him  if  there 
were  any  places  in  the  mountains  or  glaziers  any 
more  dangerous  than  Paris  or  Monte  Carlo,  I 
wanted  to  visit  them,  so  he  let  me  go.  Well,  we 
were  rigged  up  for  discovering  the  north  pole, 
and  had  alpenstocks  to  push  ourselves  up  with, 
and  the  guides  had  ropes  to  pull  us  up  when  we 
got  to  places  where  we  couldn't  climb.  I  could 
get  along  all  right,  but  they  had  dad  on  a  rope 
most  of  the  time  pulling  him  until  his  tongue 
run  out  and  his  face  turned  blue.  But  dad  was 
game,  and  don't  you  forget  it. 

Before  noon  we  got  on  top  of  a  glazier,  which 

178 


"  I   told    him    he  would   probably   have  to    remain   there    until 
spring    opened." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

is  the  ice  of  a  frozen  river,  that  moves  all  the 
time,  sliding  towards  the  sea.  There  was  noth 
ing  but  a  hard  winter,  in  summer,  to  the  experi 
ence,  and  we  would  have  gone  back  the  same 
night,  only  dad  slipped  down  a  crevice  about  100 
feet  with  the  rope  on  him,  and  the  two  guides 
couldn't  pull  him  up,  and  we  had  to  send  a  lunch 
down  to  him  on  the  rope  and  one  of  the  guides 
had  to  go  back  to  the  village  for  help  to  get  dad 
up.  Well,  sir,  I  think  dad  was  nearer  dead  than 
he  ever  was  before,  but  they  sent  down  a  bottle 
of  brandy,  and  when  he  drank  some  of  it  the  snow 
began  to  melt  and  he  was  warm  enough  to  use  bad 
language. 

He  yelled  to.  me  that  this  was  the  limit  and 
wanted  to  know  how  long  they  were  going  to  keep 
him  there.  I  yelled  to  him  that  one  of  the  guides 
had  gone  for  help  to  pull  him  out,  and  he  said  for 
them  to  order  a  yoke  of  oxen.  I  told  him  that 
probably  he  would  have  to  remain  there  until 
spring  opened  and  that  I  was  going  back  to  Amer 
ica  and  leave  him  there,  and  he  better  pray.  I 
don't  know  whether  dad  prayed,  down  there  in 
*he  bowels  of  the  mountains,  but  he  didn't  pray 
when  help  came,  and  they  finally  hauled  him  up. 
His  breath  was  gone,  but  he  gave  those  guides 
some  language  that  would  set  them  to  thinking 

179 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

if  they  could  have  understood  him,  and  finally 
we  started  down  the  mountain.  They  kept  the 
rope  on  dad  and  every  little  while  he  would  slip 
and  slide  100  feet  or  so  down  the  mountain  on 
his  pants,  and  the  snow  would  go  up  his  trousers 
legs  clear  to  his  collar,  and  the  exercise  made  him 
so  hot  that  the  steam  came  out  of  his  clothes,  and 
he  looked  like  a  locomotive  wrecked  in  a  snow 
bank  blowing  off  steam. 

It  became  dark  and  I  expected  we  would  be 
killed,  but  before  midnight  we  got  to  the  station 
and  changed  our  clothes  and  paid  off  the  guides 
and  took  a  train  back.  Dad  said  to  me,  as  we  got 
on  the  cars :  "  Now,  Hennery,  I  have  done  this 
glazier  stunt,  just  to  show  you  that  a  brave  man, 
whatever  his  age,  is  equal  to  anything  they  can 
propose  in  Europe,  but  by  ginger,  this  settles  it, 
and  now  I  want  to  go  where  things  come  easier. 
I  am  now  going  to  Turkey  and  see  how  the  Turks 
worry  along.  Are  you  with  me  ?  "  "  You  bet 
your  life,"  says  I.  Yours  truly, 

HENNERY. 


180 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XV. 

Dad  Plays  He  Is  an  Anarchist — They  Give  Alms  to 
the  Beggars  and  the  Bad  Boy  Ducks  a  Gon 
dolier  and  His  Dad  in  the  Grand  Canal. 

Venice,  Italy. — My  Dear  Old  Chumireno :  Dad 
couldn't  get  out  of  Switzerland  quick  enough 
after  he  got  thawed  out  the  day  after  we  climbed 
the  glaziers.  We  found  that  almost  all  the  tour 
ists  in  Geneva  were  there  because  they  did  not 
want  to  go  home  and  say  they  had  not  visited 
Switzerland,  so  they  just  jumped  from  one  place 
to  another.  The  people  who  stay  there  any  length 
of  time  are  like  the  foreign  residents  of  Mexico, 
who  are  wanted  for  something  they  have  done  at 
home,  that  is  against  the  law.  There  are  more 
anarchists  in  Geneva  than  anything  else,  and  they 
look  hairy  and  wild  eyed,  and  they  plot  to  kill 
kings  and  drink  beer  out  of  two  quart  jars. 

When  we  found  that  more  attention  was  paid 
to  men  suspected  of  crime  in  their  own  countries, 
and  men  who  were  believed  to  be  plotting  to  as 
sassinate  kings,  dad  said  it  would  be  a  good  joke 
if  a  story  should  get  out  that  he  was  suspected 
of  being  connected  with  a  syndicate  that  wanted 

181 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

to  assassinate  some  one,  so  I  told  a  fellow  that  I 
got  acquainted  with  that  the  fussy  old  man  that 
tried  to  ride  a  glazier  without  any  saddle  or  stir 
rup  was  wanted  for  attempting  to  blow  up  the 
president  of  the  United  States  by  selling  him 


Dad   and   the   anarchists    reveled   till   almost   morning. 

baled  hay  soaked  in  a  solution  of  dynamite  and 
nitro-glycerine. 

Say,  they  will  believe  anything  in  Switzerland. 
It  wasn't  two  hours  before  long-haired  people 
were  inviting  dad  to  dinners,  and  the  same  night 
he  was  taken  to  a  den  where  a  lot  of  anarchists 
were  reveling,  and  dad  reveled  till  almost  morn 
ing.  When  he  came  back  to  the  hotel  he  said  his 

182 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

hosts  got  all  the  money  he  had  with  him,  through 
some  game  he  didn't  understand,  but  he  under 
stood  it  was  to  go  into  a  fund  to  support  deserv 
ing  anarchists  and  dynamiters.  He  said  when 
they  found  out  lie  was  a  suspected  assassin  noth 
ing  was  too  good  for  him.  He  said  they  wanted 
to  know  how  he  expected  to  kill  a  president  by 
soaking  baled  hay  in  explosives,  and  dad  said  it 
came  to  him  suddenly  to  tell  them  that  the  presi 
dent  rode  on  horseback  a  good  deal,  and  he 
thought  if  a  horse  was  filled  with  baled  hay  and 
nitro-glycerine  and  the  president  spurred  the 
horse  and  the  horse  jumped  in  the  air  and  came 
down  kerchunk  on  an  asphalt  pavement,  the  horse 
would  explode,  and  when  the  rider  came  down 
covered  with  sausage  covers  and  horse  meat,  he 
would  be  dead,  or  would  want  to  be.  Dad  said 
the  anarchists  went  into  executive  session  and 
took  up  a  collection  to  send  a  man  to  Berlin  to 
fill  the  emperor's  saddle  horse  with  cut  feed  like 
dad  suggested. 

Well,  the  anarchist  story  was  too  much  for 
Switzerland,  and  the  next  morning  dad  was  told 
by  a  policeman  that  he  had  to  get  out  of  the 
country  quick,  and  it  didn't  take  us  15  minutes 
to  pack  up,  and  here  we  are  in  Venice. 

Well,  say,  old  friend,  this  is  the  place  where 

183 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

you  ought  to  be,  because  nobody  works  here,  that 
is,  nobody  but  gondoliers.  We  have  been  here 
several  days,  and  I  have  not  seen  a  soul  doing 
anything  except  begging,  or  selling  things  that 
nobody  seems  to  want.  If  anybody  buys  any 
thing  but  onions,  it  is  for  curiosity,  or  for  souv 
enirs,  and  yet  the  whole  population  sits  around 
in  the  sun  and  watches  the  strangers  from  other 
lands  price  things  and  go  away  without  buying, 
and  then  everybody  looks  mad,  as  though  they 
would  like  to  jab  a  knife  into  the  stranger.  The 
plazas  and  the  places  near  the  canal  are  filled  with 
hucksters  and  beggars,  and  you  never  saw  beg 
gars  so  mutilated  and  sore  and  disgusting.  I  nev 
er  supposed  human  beings  could  be  so  deformed, 
without  taking  an  ax  to  them,  and  it  is  so  pitiful 
to  see  them  that  you  can't  help  shedding  your 
money. 

As  hard  hearted  as  dad  is,  he  coughed  up  over 
$40  the  first  day,  just  giving  to  beggars,  and  he 
thought  he  had  got  them  all  bought  up,  and  that 
they  would  let  him  alone,  but  the  next  day  when 
he  showed  up  there  were  ten  beggars  where  there 
was  one  the  day  before,  and  they  followed  him 
everywhere,  and  all  the  loafers  in  the  plazas 
laughed  and  acted  as  if  they  would  catch  the 
cripples  when  dad  got  out  of  sight  and  rob  the 

184 


Dad  coughed  up  over  $40,  the  first  day,  just  giving  to  beggars.' 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

beggars.  Dad  thinks  the  way  the  people  live  is 
by  dividing  with  beggars.  A  man  who  has  a  de 
formity,  or  a  sore  that  you  can  see  half  a  block 
away,  seems  to  be  considered  rich  here,  like  a 
man  in  America  who  owns  stock  in  great  corpora 
tions.  These  beggars  pay  more  taxes  than  the 
dukes  and  things  who  live  in  style. 

I  suppose  dad  never  studied  geography,  so  he 
didn't  know  how  Venice  was  situated,  so  he  told 
me  to  go  out  and  order  a  hack  the  first  morning 
we  were  here,  and  we  would  go  and  see  the  town. 
When  I  told  dad  there  were  no  hacks,  no  horses 
and  no  roads  in  Venice,  he  said  I  was  crazy  in 
my  head  and  wanted  me  to  take  some  medicine 
and  stay  in  bed  for  a  few  days,  but  I  convinced 
him,  when  we  got  outdoors,  that  everything  run 
by  water,  and  when  I  showed  him  the  canal  and 
the  gondolas,  he  remembered  all  about  Venice, 
and  picked  out  a  gondalier  that  looked  like  one 
dad  saw  at  the  world's  fair,  and  we  hired  him  be 
cause  he  talked  English.  All  the  English  the 
gondolier  could  use  were  the  words  "  you  bet  your 
life,"  and  "  you're  dam  right,"  but  dad  took  him 
because  it  seemed  so  homelike,  and  we  have  been 
riding  in  gondolas  every  day. 

On  the  water  you  can  get  away  from  the  beg 
gars.  This  is  an  ideal  existence.  You  just  get 

1 86 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

in  the  gondola,  under  a  canopy,  and  the  gondolier 
does  the  work,  and  you  glide  along  between  build 
ings  and  wonder  who  lives  there,  and  when  they 
wake  up,  as  all  day  long  the  blinds  are  closed,  and 
everybody  seems  to  be  dead.  But  at  night,  when 
the  canals  are  lighted,  and  the  moon  shines,  the 


One  yell  in  the  English  language,  and  one  in  Eyetalian. 


people  put  on  their  dress  clothes  and  sit  on  veran 
das,  or  eat  and  drink,  and  talk  Eyetalian,  and  ride 
in  gondolas,  and  play  guitars,  and  smoke  cigar 
ettes,  and  talk  love.  It  is  so  warm  you  can  wear 
your  summer  pants,  and  the  water  smells  of  clams 
that  died  long  ago.  It  is  just  as  though  Chi- 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

cago  was  flooded  by  the  bursting  of  the  sewers, 
and  people  had  to  go  around  State  street,  and 
all  the  cross  streets,  and  Michigan  avenue,  in 
fishing  boats,  with  three  feet  of  water  on  top  of 
the  pavements.  Imagine  the  people  of  Chicago 
taking  gondolas  -and  riding  along  the  streets, 
landing  at  the  stores  and  hotels,  just  as  they  do 
now  from  carriages. 

We  had  been  riding  in  gondolas  for  two  days, 
getting  around  in  the  mud  when  the  tide  was  out, 
and  going  to  sleep  and  waiting  for  the  tide  to 
come  in,  when  it  seemed  to  me  that  dad  needed 
some  excitement,  and  last  night  I  gave  it  to 
him. 

We  were  out  in  our  gondola,  and  the  moon 
was  shining,  and  the  electric  lights  made  the  canal 
near  the  Rialto  bridge  as  light  as  day.  The  Rial- 
to  bridge  crosses  the  Grand  canal,  and  has  been 
the  meeting  place  for  lovers  for  thousands  of 
years.  It  is  a  grand  structure,  of  carved  mar 
ble,  but  it  wouldn't  hold  up  a  threshing  machine 
engine  half  as  well  as  an  iron  bridge.  Well,  the 
canal  was  filled  with  thousands  of  gondolas,  load 
ed  with  the  flower  of  Venetian  society,  and  the 
music  just  made  you  want  to  fall  in  love.  Dad 
said  if  he  didn't  fall  in  love,  or  something,  before 
morning,  he  would  quit  the  place.  I  made  up  my 

188 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

mind  he  should  fall  into  something,  so  I  began  by 
telling  dad  it  seemed  strange  to  me  that  nobody 
but  Eyetalians  could  run  a  gondola.  Dad  said 
he  could  run  a  gondola  as  well  as  any  foreigner, 
and  I  told  him  he  couldn't  run  a  gondola  for 
shucks,  and  he  said  he  would  show  me,  so  he 
got  out  of  the  hen  house  where  we  were  seated, 
and  went  back  on  to  the  pointed  end  of  the  gon 
dola,  and  grabbed  the  pole  or  paddle  from  the 
gondolier,  and  said :  "  Now,  Garibaldi,  you  go 
inside  the  pup  tent  with  Hennery,  and  let  me 
punt  this  ark  around  awhile/' 

Garibaldi  thought  dad  was  crazy,  but  he  gave 
up  the  pole,  and  just  then,  when  they  were  both 
on  the  extreme  point  of  the  gondola,  and  she 
was  wabbling  some,  I  peeked  out  through  the 
curtains  and  thought  the  fruit  was  about  ripe 
enough  to  pick,  so  I  threw  myself  over  to  one 
side  of  the  gondola,  and,  by  gosh,  if  dad  and  Gari 
baldi  didn't  both  go  overboard  with  a  splash,  and 
one  yell  in  the  English  language,  and  .one  in  Eye- 
talian,  and  I  rushed  out  of  the  cabin  and  such  a 
sight  you  never  saw. 

Dad  retained  the  paddle,  and  had  his  head  out 
of  water,  but  nothing  showed  above  the  water 
where  Garibaldi  was  except  a  red  patch  on  his 
black  pants.  Dad  was  yelling  for  help,  and  final- 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ly  the  gondolier  got  his  head  out  of  the  water,  and 
said  something  that  sounded  like  grinding  a 
butcher  knife  on  a  grindstone,  and  I  yelled,  too, 
and  the  gondolas  began  to  gather  around  us,  and 
the  two  men  were  rescued.  The  gondolier  had 
been  gondoling  all  his  life  and  he  had  never  been 
in  the  water  before,  and  they  thought  it  would 
strike  in  and  kill  him,  so  they  wrapped  him  up  in 
blankets  and  put  him  aboard  his  canoe,  and  he 
looked  at  me  as  though  I  was  to  blame.  They  got 
a  boat  hook  fastened  in  dad's  pants  and  landed 
him  in  the  gondola,  and  he  dripped  all  the  way  to 
our  hotel,  and  he  smelled  like  a  fish  market. 

I  asked  Garibaldi,  on  the  way  to  the  hotel,  if 
he  was  counting  his  beads  when  he  was  down  un 
der  the  water  with  nothing  but  his  pants  out  of 
the  water,  and  he  said :  "  You're  dam  right,"  but 
I  don't  think  he  knew  the  meaning  of  the  words, 
because  he  probably  wouldn't  swear  in  the  pres 
ence  of  death.  Dad  just  sat  and  shivered  all  the 
way  to  the  hotel,  but  when  we  got  to  our  room  I 
asked  him  what  his  idea  was  in  jumping  over 
board  right  there  before  folks,  with  his  best 
clothes  on,  and  he  said  it  was  all  Garibaldi's  fau^t, 
that  just  as  dad  was  getting  a  good  grip  on  the 

190 


Then  you  don't  blame  your  little  boy,  do  you? 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

paddle,  the  gondolier  heaved  a  long  sigh,  and  the 
onions  in  his  breath  paralyzed  dad  so  he  fell  over 
board. 

'  Then  you  don't  blame  your  little  boy,  do 
you  ?  "  says  I,  and  dad  looked  at  me  as  he  was 
hanging  his  wet  shirt  on  a  chair.  "  Course  not ; 
you  were  asleep  in  the  cabin.  But  say,  if  I  ever 
hear  that  you  did  tip  that  gondola,  it  will  go  hard 
with  you,"  but  I  just  looked  innocent,  and  dad 
went  on  drying  his  shirt  by  a  charcoal  brazier  and 
never  suspected  me.  But  I  am  getting  the  worst 
of  it,  for  dad  and  his  clothes  smell  so  much  like  a 
clam  bake  that  it  makes  me  sick. 

Well,  old  friend,  you  ought  to  close  up  your 
grocery  and  come  over  here  and  go  to  Vesuvius 
and  Pompeii  with  us,  where  we  can  dry  our 
clothes  by  the  volcano,  and  dig  in  the  city  that 
was  buried  in  hot  ashes  2,000  years  ago.  They 
say  you  can  dig  up  mummies  there  that  are  dead 
ringers  for  you,  old  man. 

O,  come  on,  and  have  fun  with  us. 

Your  friend,  HENNERY. 


192 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  from  Naples — Dad  Sees  Vesuvius 

and  Calls  the  Servants  to  Put  Out  the  Fire — They 

Have  Trouble  with  a  "Dago"  in  Pompeii. 

Naples,  Italy. — Dear  Old  Partner  in  Crime: 
Well,  sir,  we  have  struck  a  place  that  reminds  us 
of  home,  and  your  old  grocery  store.  The  day 
we  got  here  dad  and  I  took  a  walk  into  the  poorer 
districts,  where  they  throw  all  the  slops  and  refuse 
in  the  streets,  and  where  nobody  ever  seems  to 
clean. up  anything  and  burn  it.  The  odor  was 
something  that  you  cannot  describe  without  a 
demonstration,  and  after  we  had  turned  pale  and 
started  to  go  away,  dad  said  the  smell  reminded 
him  of  something  at  home,  and  finally  he  remem 
bered  your  old  grocery  in  the  sauerkraut  season, 
early  in  the  morning,  before  you  had  aired  out 
the  place.  Your  ears  must  have  burned  when 
we  were  talking  about  you. 

If  you  want  to  get  an  idea  of  Naples,  at  its 
worst,  go  down  into  your  cellar  and  round  up  all 
the  codfish,  onions,  kraut,  limburger  cheese,  kero 
sene,  rotten  potatoes,  and  everything  that  is  dead, 
put  it  ^  ;"  •»  bushel  basket,  and  just  before  the 

193 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

Health  officers  come  to  pull  your  place,  get  down 
on  your  knees  and  put  your  head  down  in  the 
basket,  and  let  some  one  sit  on  your  head  all  the 
forenoon,  and  you  will  have  just  such  a  half  day 
as  dad  and  I  had  in  the  poor  quarter  of  Naples, 
and  it  will  not  cost  you  half  as  much  as  it  did 
us,  unless,  after  you  have  enjoyed  yourself  in 
your  cellar  with  your  head  in  the  basket,  you  de 
cide  to  have  a  run  of  sickness  and  hire  a  doctor 
who  will  charge  you  the  price  of  a  trip  to  Europe. 

Well,  sir,  Naples  is  a  dandy,  in  its  clean  part. 
The  bay  of  Naples  is  a  dead  ringer  for  Milwaukee 
bay,  in  shape  and  beauty,  but  Milwaukee  lacks 
Vesuvius  and  Pompeii,  for  suburbs,  and  she  lacks 
the  customary  highwaymen  to  hold  you  up. 
Every  man,  woman  and  child  we  have  met  makes 
a  living  out  of  the  tourists,  and  nobody  that  I 
have  seen  works  at  any  other  business. 

We  woke  up  the  first  morning  and  dad  looked 
out  the  window  and  saw  Vesuvius  belching  forth 
flame  and  lava  and  stone  fences,  and  wanted  to 
turn  in  a  fire  alarm,  but  I  told  him  that  that  fire 
had  been  raging  ever  since  the  Christian  era,  and 
was  not  one  of  these  incendiary  barn  burnings, 
but  he  opened  the  window  and  yelled  fire,  and 
the  porters  and  chambermaids  came  running  to 
our  room,  with  buckets  of  water,  and  wanted  to 

194 


Dad  pointed  out  of  the  window  toward  Vesuvius. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

know  where  the  fire  was.  Dad  pointed  out  of  the 
window  towards  Vesuvius  and  said :  "  Some 
hired  girl  has  been  starting  a  fire  with  kerosene, 
in  that  shanty  on  the  knoll  out  there,  and  the 
whole  ranch  will  burn  if  you  don't  turn  out  the 
fire  department,  you  gosh  blasted  lazy  devils. 
Get  a  move  on  and  help  carry  out  the  furniture." 

Well,  they  calmed  dad,  and  then  I  had  to  go 
to  work  and  post  dad  up  on  the  geography  he  had 
forgotten,  and  finally  he  remembered  seeing  a 
picture  of  a  volcano  or  burning  mountain  in  his 
geography  50  years  ago,  but  he  told  me  he  never 
believed  there  was  a  volcano  in  the  world,  but 
that  he  always  thought  they  put  those  pictures  in 
geographies  to  make  them  sell.  How  a  man  can 
attain  the  prominence  and  position  in  the  business 
world  that  dad  has,  and  not  know  any  more  than 
he  does,  is  what  beats  me. 

Of  course,  you  know,  having  kept  a  grocery 
since  the  war,  and  having  had  opportunities  to 
study  history,  by  the  pictures  on  the  soap  boxes 
and  insurance  calendars,  that  Nero,  the  Roman 
tyrant,  after  Rome  was  burned,  while  he  fiddled 
for  a  dance  in  a  barn,  got  so  accustomed  to  fire 
and  brimstone  that  he  retired  to  Naples  and 
touched  off  Vesuvius,  just  so  he  could  look  at  it. 
But  Vesuvius,  about  2,000  years  ago,  got  to  burn- 

196     . 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ing  way  down  in  its  bowels,  and  the  fire  got  be 
yond  control,  and  I  suppose  now  the  fire  is  away 
down  in  the  center  of  the  earth,  and  you  know 
when  you  get  down  in  the  earth  below  the  crust, 
on  which  we  live  and  raise  potatoes,  everything  is 
melted,  like  iron  in  a  foundry,  and  Vesuvius  is 
the  spigot  through  which  the  fluid  comes  to  the 
surface.  You  see,  don't  you  ? 

Just  imagine  that  this  earth  is  a  barrel  of  beer, 
which  you  can  understand  better  than  anything 
else,  and  it  is  being  shaken  up  by  being  hauled 
around  on  wagons  and  cars,  and  is  straining  to 
get  out,  then  a  bartender  drives  a  spigot  into  the 
bung,  turns  the  thumb  piece,  and  the  pent-up  beer 
comes  out  foaming  and  squirting,  and  there  you 
are. 

Instead  of  beer,  Vesuvius  is  loaded  with  lava, 
that  runs  like  molasses,  and  when  it  is  cold  it  is 
indigestible  as  a  cold  buckwheat  cake,  and  you 
can  make  it  up  into  jewelry,  that  looks  like  maple 
sugar  and  smells  like  a  fire  in  a  garbage  crema 
tory.  Besides  the  lava  there  are  stones  as  big  as 
a  house  that  are  thrown  up  by  the  sea-sickness  of 
the  earth,  as  it  heaves  and  pants,  and  then  the 
ashes  that  come  out  of  the  crater  at  times  would 
make  you  think  that  what  they  need  there  is  to 

197 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

have  a  chimney  sweep  go  down  and  brush  out  the 
flues. 

To  get  an  idea  of  what  a  nuisance  the  ashes 
from  the  crater  are  to  the  cities  on  the  plain  be 
low,  you  remember  the  time  you  were  out  in  your 


And  I  threw  a  pail  of  ashes  over  the  fence. 

back  yard  splitting  boxes  for  kindling  wood  and 
my  chum  and  I  threw  a  pail  of  ashes  over  the 
fence,  and  accidentally  it  went  all  over  you,  about 
four  inches  thick.  That  time  you  got  mad  and 
threw  cucumbers  at  us,  when  we  ran  down  the 
alley.  Keep  that  in  your  mind  and  you  can  un- 

198 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

derstand  the  destruction  of  Pompeii,  when  Ve 
suvius,  thousands  of  years  ago,  coughed  up  hot 
ashes  and  covered  the  town  40  feet  deep  with 
hot  stuff,  and  killed  every  living  thing,  and  pet 
rified  and  preserved  the  whole  business,  and 
made  a  prairie  on  top  of  a  town,  and  everybody 
eventually  forgot  that  there  had  ever  been  a  town 
there,  for  about  2,000  years.  If  my  chum  and  I 
had  not  run  out  of  ashes  we  would  have  buried 
you  so  deep  in  your  back  yard  that  you  would 
have  been  petrified  with  your  hatchet,  and  when 
they  excavated  the  premises  a  thousand  years 
later  they  would  have  found  your  remains  and 
put  you  in  a  museum. 

Well,  a  couple  of  hundred  years  ago  a  peasant 
was  sinking  a  well  down  in  the  ashes,  and  he 
struck  a  petrified  barroom,  with  a  bartender 
standing  behind  the  bar  in  the  act  of  serving  some 
whisky  2,000  years  old,  and  the  peasant  located 
a  claim  there,  and  the  authorities  took  possession 
of  the  prairie  and  have  been  digging  the  town 
out  ever  since,  looking  for  more  of  that  2,000- 
year-old  whisky. 

When  I  told  dad  about  what  they  were  finding 
at  the  ruins  of  Pompeii,  and  how  you  were  liable 
to  find  gold  and  diamonds  and  petrified  women, 
he  wanted  to  go  and  dig  in  the  ashes,  as  he  said 

7.99 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

it  would  be  more  exciting  than  raking  over  the 
dumping  grounds  in  Chicago  for  tin  cans  and 
lumps  of  coal,  and.  so  we  hired  a  hack  and  went 
to  the  buried  town,  but  dad  insisted  on  carrying 
an  umbrella,  so  if  Vesuvius  belched  any  more 
ashes  he  could  protect  himself.  Gee,  but  from 
what  I  have  seen  at  that  old  ruin,  a  man  would 
need  an  umbrella  made  of  corrugated  iron  to 
keep  from  being  buried. 

Well,  when  we  got  to  Pompeii  dad  was  for 
going  right  where  they  were  digging,  but  I  got 
him  to  look  over  the  streets  and  houses  that  had 
been  uncovered  first,  and  he  was  paralyzed  to 
think  that  a  town  could  be  covered  with  ashes  all 
these  thousands  of  years,  and  then  be  uncovered 
and  find  a  town  that  would  compare,  in  many 
respects,  with  cities  of  the  present  day,  with  resi 
dences  complete  with  sculpture,  paintings  and  cut 
marble  that  would  skin  Chicago  to  a  finish. 

We  went  through  residences  that  looked  as  rich 
as  the  Vanderbilt  houses  in  New  York,  baths  that 
you  could  take  a  plunge  and  a  swim  in,  if  they 
had  the  water,  paintings  that  would  take  a  pre 
mium  at  any  horse  show  to-day,  pavements  that 
would  shame  the  pavements  of  London  and  Paris, 
and  petrified  women  that  you  couldn't  tell  from 
a  low-necked  party  in  Washington,  except  that 

200 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

the  ashes  had  eaten  the  clothes  off.  I  guess  most 
of  the  people  in  Pompeii  got  away  when  the  ashes 
began  to  rain  down,  for  they  must  have  seen  that 
it  wasn't  going  to  be  a  light  shower,  but  a  deluge, 
'cause  they  never  have  found  many  corpses.  They 
must  have  run  to  Naples,  and  maybe  they  are 
running  yet,  and  you  may  see  some  of  them  at 
your  grocery,  and  if  you  do  see  anybody  covered 
with  ashes,  looking  for  a  job,  give  them  some 
crackers  and  cheese  and  charge  it  to  dad,  for  they 
must  be  hungry  by  this  time. 

Say,  do  you  know  that  some  of  those  refugees 
from  Pompeii  went  off  in  such  a  hurry  that  they 
left  bread  baking  in  the  ovens,  and  meat  cooking 
in  the  pots  ?  It  seems  the  most  wonderful  thing 
to  me  of  anything  I  ever  saw.  We  went  all 
through  the  streets  and  houses  and  saw  ball 
rooms  that  beat  anything  in  San  Francisco,  and 
when  we  went  into  a  building  occupied  by  the 
officers  in  charge  of  the  excavations,  and  dad  saw 
a  telephone  and  an  electric  light,  he  thought  those 
things  had  been  dug  up,  too,  and  he  claimed  that 
the  men  who  were  receiving  millions  of  dollars 
in  royalties  on  telephones  and  electric  lights  were 
frauds  who  were  infringing  on  Pompeii  patents 
2,000  years  old,  and  he  wouldn't  believe  me  when 
T  told  him  that  telephones  and  electric  lights  were 

20 1 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

not  dug  up ;  he  said  then  he  wouldn't  believe  any 
thing  was  dug  up,  but  that  the  whole  thing  was 
a  put-up  job  to  rob  tourists.  But  when  we  got 
to  a  locality  where  the  dagoes  were  digging  the 
ashes  away  from  a  house  and  were  uncovering 


"And  the  man  rolled  dad  over  and  he  was  a  sight." 

a  parlor,  where  rich  things  were  being  discovered, 
he  saw  that  it  was  all  right. 

I  suppose  I  never  ought  to  have  played  such  a 
thing  on  dad,  but  I  told  him  that  anybody  who 
saw  a  thing  first  when  it  came  out  of  the  ashes 
could  grab  it  and  keep  it,  and  just  as  I  told  him 
a  workman  threw  out  a  shovel  full  of  ashes,  just 

202 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

as  you  would  throw  out  dirt  digging  for  angle 
worms,  and  there  was  a  little  silver  urn  with  a 
lot  of  coins  in  it,  and  you  could  not  hold  dad.  He 
grabbed  for  it,  the  workman  grabbed  for  it,  and 
they  went  down  together  in  the  ashes,  and  the 
man  rolled  dad  over  and  he  was  a  sight,  but  the 
workman  got  the  silver  urn,  and  dad  wanted  to 
fight.  Finally  a  man  with  a  uniform  on  came 
along  and  was  going  to  arrest  dad,  but  they  finally 
compromised  by  the  man  offering  to  sell  the  silver 
urn  and  the  gold  coins  to  dad  for  a  hundred  dol 
lars,  if  he  would  promise  not  to  open  it  up  until 
he  got  out  of  Italy,  and  dad  paid  the  money  and 
wrapped  the  urn  up  in  a  Chicago  paper,  and  we 
took  our  hack  and  went  back  to  Naples  on  a 
gallop. 

Dad  could  hardly  wait  till  we  got  to  the  hotel 
before  opening  up  his  prize,  but  he  held  out  until 
we  got  to  our  room,  when  he  unwrapped  the  urn 
to  count  his  ancient  gold  coins.  Well,  you'd  a- 
died  to  see  dad's  face  when  he  opened  that  can. 
It  was  an  old  tomato  can  that  had  been  wrought 
out  with  a  hammer  so  it  looked  like  hammered 
silver,  and  when  he  emptied  the  gold  coins  out 
on  the  table  there  was  a  lot  of  brass  tags  that 
looked  like  dog  license  tags,  and  baggage  checks 
and  brass  buttons.  I  had  to  throw  water  on  dad 

203 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

to  bring  him  to,  and  then  he  swore  he  would  kill 
the  dago  that  sold,  him  the  treasure  from  the 
ruins  of  Pompeii.  It  was  a  great  blow  to  dad, 
and  he  has  bought  a  dirk  knife  to  kill  the  dago. 
To-morrow  we  take  in  Vesuvius,  and  when  we 
come  down  from  the  crater  we  go  to  Pompeii  and 
kill  the  dago  in  his  tracks.  Dad  may  cause  Ve 
suvius  to  belch  again  with  hot  ashes,  and  cover 
the  ruins  of  Pompeii,  but  if  he  can't  turn  on  the 
ashes,  the  knife  will  do  the  business.  Yours, 

HENNERY. 


20A. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Climb  Vesuvius — A  Chi 
cago  Lady  Joins  the  Party  and  Causes  Trouble. 

Naples,  Italy. — Siegnor  ze  Grocerino :  I  guess 
that  will  make  you  stand  without  hitching  for  a 
little  while.  Say,  I  am  getting  so  full  of  dead 
languages,  and  foreign  palaver,  that  I  shall  have 
to  have  an  operation  on  my  tongue  when  I  get 
home  before  I  can  speel  the  United  States  lan 
guage  again  so  you  can  make  head  or  tail  of  it. 
You  see,  I  don't  stay  long  enough  in  a  country 
to  acquire  its  language,  but  I  get  a  few  words 
into  my  system,  so  now  my  English  is  so  mixed 
with  French  words,  Italian  garlic  and  German 
throat  trouble  that  I  cannot  understand  myself 
unless  I  look  in  a  glass  and  watch  the  motions 
of  my  lips.  Dad  has  not  picked  up  a  word  of 
any  foreign  language,  and  says  he  should  con 
sider  himself  a  traitor  to  his  country  if  he  tried 
to  talk  anything  but  English.  He  did  get  so 
he  could  order  a  glass  of  beer  by  holding  up  his 
finger  and  saying  "  ein,"  but  he  found  later  that 
just  holding  up  his  finger  without  saying  "  ein  '* 

205 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

would  bring  the  beer  all  the  same  so  he  cut  out  the 
language  entirely  and  works  his  finger  until  it 
needs  a  rest. 

When  I  used  to  study  my  geography  at  the  lit 
tle  red  schoolhouse,  and  look  at  the  picture  of  the 


It  was  a  picture  to  see  Dad  "Go  up  Old  Baldhead." 

volcano  Vesuvius,  and  read  about  how  it  would 
throw  up  red-hot  lava,  and  ashes,  and  rocks  as  big 
as  a  house,  and  wipe  out  cities,  it  looked  so  ter 
rible  to  me  that  I  was  glad  when  we  got  through 
with  the  volcano  lesson,  and  got  to  Greenland's 
icy  mountains,  where  there  was  no  danger  except 

206 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

being  frozen  to  death,  or  made  sick  by  eating 
blubber  sliced  off  of  whales. 

Then  I  never  expected  to  be  right  on  the  very 
top  of  that  volcano,  throwing  stones  down  in  the 
lava,  and  sailing  chips  down  the  streams  of  hot 
stuff,  just  as  I  sailed  chips  on  ice  water  at  home 
when  the  streets  were  flooded  by  spring  rains. 
Say,'  there  is  no  more  danger  on  Vesuvius  than 
there  is  in  a  toboggan  slide,  or  shooting  the 
chutes  at  home.  I  thought  we  would  have  to  hire 
dagoes  to  carry  us  up  to  the  top,  and  be  robbed 
and  held  up,  and  may  be  murdered,  but  it  is  just 
as  easy  as  going  up  in  the  elevator  of  a  skyscrap 
er,  and  no  more  terrifying  than  sitting  on  a  50- 
cent  seat  in  a  baseball  park  at  home  and  wit 
nessing  the  "  Destruction  of  Pompeii  "  by  a  fire 
works  display 

The  crater  looks  sort  of  creepy,  like  a  big  caul 
dron  kettle  boiling  soap  on  a  farm,  only  it  is  big 
ger,  and  down  in  the  earth's  bowels  you  can  well 
believe  there  is  trouble,  and  if  you  believe  in  a 
hell,  you  can  get  it,  illustrated  proper,  but  the 
rivulets  of  lava  that  flow  out  of  the  wrinkles 
around  the  mouth  of  the  crater  are  no  more  ap 
palling  than  making  fudges  over  a  gas  stove. 
When  the  lava  cools  you  would  swear  it  was 

207 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

fudges,  only  you  can't  eat  the  lava  and  get  indi 
gestion  as  you  can  eating  fudges. 

It  was  hard  work  to  get  dad  to  go  up  on  the 
volcano,  because  he  said  he  knew  he  would  fall 
into  it,  and  get  his  clothes  burned,  and  he  said  he 
couldn't  climb  clear  to  the  top,  on  account  of  his 
breath  being  short,  but  when  I  told  him  he  could 
ride  up  on  a  trolley  car,  and  have  the  volcano 
brought  right  to  him,  he  weakened,  and  one  morn 
ing  we  left  Naples  early  and  before  two  hours  had 
passed  we  were  on  a  little  cogwheel  railroad  go 
ing  up,  and  dad  was  looking  down  on  the  scenery, 
expecting  every  minute  the  cogs  would  slip  and 
we  would  cut  loose  and  go  down  all  in  a  heap  and 
be  plastered  all  over  the  vineyards  and  big  trees 
and  be  killed. 

I  don't  know  what  makes  dad  so  nervous,  but 
he  wanted  a  woman  from  Chicago,  who  was  on 
the  car  with  us,  to  hold  his  hand  all  the  way  up, 
but  she  said  she  was  no  nurse  in  a  home  for  the 
aged,  and  she  said  she  would  cuff  dad  if  he  didn't 
let  go  of  her.  I  told  her  she  better  not  get  dad 
mad  if  she  knew  what  was  good  for  her,  for  he 
was  a  regular  Bluebeard,  and  wouldn't  take  no 
slack  from  no  Chicago  female,  'cause  he  had 
buried  nine  wives  already.  So  she  held  his  hand, 

208 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

and  I  guess  she  thinks  she  will  be  my  stepmother, 
but  I  bet  she  don't. 

Well,  after  we  got  almost  to  the  top  the  car 
stopped,  and  we  had  to  walk  the  rest  of  the  way, 
several  hundred  feet,  ar»d  we  had  to  have  a  push- 


And  she  was  stroking  his  hair. 

er  and  a  putter  for  dad,  a  dago  to  go  ahead  and 
pull  him  up,  and  another  to  put  his  shoulder 
against  dad's  pants  and  shove.  Gee,  but  it  was  a 
picture  to  see  dad  "  go  up  old  baldhead,"  with 
the  dagoes  perspiring  and  swearing  at  dad  for 
being  so  heavy,  and  the  Chicago  woman  laugh 
ing,  and  me  pushing'  her  up. 

209 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

One  thing  that  scared  dad  was  that  every  little 
way  there  was  a  shrine,  where  the  guides  left 
dad  lying  on  the  ground,  blocked  with  a  piece  of 
cold  lava,  so  he  wouldn't  roll  down,  like  you  would 
block  a  wagon  wheel,  and  they  would  go  to  the 
shrine  and  kneel  and  say  some  prayers. 

Dad  was  afraid  they  were  going  to  charge  the 
prayers  in  the  bill  for  pushing  him  up,  but  I  told 
dad  that  these  people  expected  every  time  they 
went  up  to  the  top  that  it  would  be  their  last  trip, 
as  they  knew  that  some  day  the  volcano  would 
open  in  a  new  place  and  swallow  them  whole,  with 
all  the  tourists.  Then  he  gave  them  a  dollar 
apiece  to  pray  for  him,  and  wanted  to  go  back 
down  the  mountain  and  let  Vesuvius  run  its  own 
fireworks,  but  the  Chicago  lady  told  dad  to  brace 
up  and  she  would  protect  him,  and  so  the  guides 
gave  a  few  more  pushes,  and  we  were  on  top  of 
the  volcano,  and  dad  collapsed  and  had  to  be 
brought  to  with  smelling  salts  and  whisky  that 
the  woman  carried  in  her  pistol  pocket. 

Gee,  but  it  was  worth  all  the  trouble  to  get  up 
the  mountain,  to  see  the  sight  that  opened  up. 
The  hole  in  the  mountain  filled  with  boiling  stuff 
was  worth  the  price  of  admission,  and  the  roaring 
of  the  boiling  stuff,  and  the  explosions  way  down 
cellar,  and  the  flying  stones,  the  smoke  going  into 

210 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

the  air  for  a  mile,  like  the  burning  of  an  oil  well, 
the  red-hot  lava  finding  crevices  to  leak  through, 
and  flowing  down  the  side  of  the  mountain  in 
streams  like  hot  maple  sirup,  made  a  scene  that 
caused  us  to  take  off  our  hats  and  thank  the  good 
Lord  that  the  thing  hadn't  overflowed  enough 
to  hurt  us.  But  I  could  see  dad  was  scared, 
'cause  when  I  wanted  him  to  go  around  the  edge 
of  the  crater  with  me,  and  see  the  hell-roaring 
free  show  from  other  points  of  view,  and  see 
where  the  hot  ashes  years  ago  rolled  down  and 
covered  Pompeii  and  Herculaneum,  he  balked 
and  said  he  had  seen  all  he  wanted  to,  and  if  he 
could  stay  alive  until  'the  next  car  went  down 
the  mountain,  they  could  all  have  his  interest  in 
Vesuvius,  and  be  darned  to  them,  but  he  said  if 
I  wanted  to  go  around  looking  for  trouble,  he 
would  stay  there  under  a  big  rock,  with  the  Chi 
cago  lady,  and  wait  for  me  to  come  back.  She 
said  she  knew  dad  was  all  tired  out,  and  needed 
rest,  and  she  would  stay  with  him,  and  keep  him 
cheered  up ;  so  I  left  them  and  went  off  with  one 
of  the  dagoes,  to  slide  down  hill  on  some  flowing 
lava,  and  pick  up  specimens. 

Well,  sir,  I  wish  I  could  get  along  some  way 
without  telling  the  rest  of  this  sad  story,  but  if 

211 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

I  am  going  to  be  a  historian  I  have  got  to  tell 
the  whole  blame  thing. 

When  I  left  dad  and  the  Chicago  woman  she 
had  produced  a  lunch  from  somewhere  about  her 
person,  and  a  small  bottle,  and  they  were  eating 


Her  husband  pulled  a  long,  blue  gun. 

and  drinking,  and  dad  was  laughing  more  natur 
al  than  I  had  seen  him  laugh  since  we  run  over 
the  old  woman  with  the  automobile  at  Nice,  and 
she  was  smiling  on  dad  just  as  though  she  was 
his  sweetheart.  (As  I  went  around  the  crater,  a 
couple  of  blocks  away,  I  looked  back  and  dad  had 

212 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

laid  his  head  in  her  lap,  and  she  was  stroking  his 
hair.) 

Well,  I  picked  up  specimens,  burned  the  soles 
off  my  shoes  wading  in  the  lava,  and  took  in  the 
volcano  from  all  sides,  and  after  an  hour  I  went 
back  to  where  dad  and  the  woman  were  lunching, 
but  the  woman  was  gone,  and  dad  acted  as  though 
he  had  been  hit  by  an  express  train,  his  eyes  were 
wild,  his  collar  was  gone,  his  pocketbook  was  on 
the  ground,  empty,  his  coat  was  gone,  his  scarf- 
pin  had  disappeared  and  the  $i  I  watch  he  bought 
when  he  was  robbed  the  other  time  was  missing, 
and  dad's  tongue  was  run  out,  and  he  was  yelling 
for  water.  I  thought  he  had  been  trying  to  drink 
some  lava. 

"Dad,  what  in  the  world  has  happened  to 
you?  "  said. I,  as  I  rushed  up  to  him. 

"  That  wlihnan  has  happened  to  me,  that  is  all," 
said  dad,  as  he  took  a  swallow  of  water  out  of  a 
canteen  one  of  the  dagoes  had. 

"  Tell  me  about  it,  dad,"  said  I,  trying  to  keep 
from  laughing,  when  I  saw  that  he  was  not  hurt. 

"  Say,  let  this  be  a  lesson  to  you,"  said  dad, 
"  and  don't  you  steer  another  woman  to  me  on 
this  trip.  Do  you  know  you  hadn't  more  than  got 
around  that  big  rock  when  she  said  she  was  tired 
and  was  going  to  faint,  for  the  altitude  was  too 

213 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

high  for  her,  and  I  tried  to  soothe  her,  and  she 
did  look  pale,  and,  by  gosh,  I  thought  she  was 
going  to  die  on  my  hands,  and  I  would  have  to 
carry  her  corpse  down  the  mountain.  I  heard  a 
scuffling  on  the  rocks,  and  she  looked  up  and  saw 
a  man  not  ten  feet  away,  and  she  said :  '  Me 
husband ! '  and  then  she  fainted  and  grabbed  me 
around  the  neck,  and  I  couldn't  get  her  loose. 
She  just  froze  to  me  like  a  person  drowning,  and 
that  husband  of  hers,  who  had  come  up  on  the 
last  car,  hunting  for  his  wife,  who  had  eloped, 
pulled  a  long  blue  gun  and  told  me  he  would  give 
me  five  minutes  to  pray,  and  then  he  would  kill 
me  and  throw  my  body  down  in  the  creater,  to 

sizzle. 

f 

:<  I  told  him  I  could  pay  up  enough  ahead  in 
three  minutes,  and  he  could  take  all  I  had  if  he 
would  loosen  up  his  wife,  and  bring  her  to,  and 
take  her  away,  and  let  me  die  all  alone,  and  let 
the  buzards  eat  me,  uncooked.  He  took  the  bet, 
pulled  her  arms  away  from  my  throat,  took  my. 
money  and  coat,  brought  her  to,  and  said  he  was 
going  to  throw  her  into  the  crater,  but  I  told  him 
she  had  certainly  been  good  to  me,  and  if  he 
would  spare  her  life,  and  take  her  away  in  the 
cars,  he  could  have  my  watch  and  scarfpin,  and 
he  took  them,  aii'd  they  went  to  the  cars. 

214 


"  Dad's  tongue  was  run  out  and  he  was  yelling  for  water." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

"  She  looked  back  at  me  with  the  saddest  face 
I  ever  saw,  and  said :  '  O,  sir,  it  is  all  a  terrible 
dream,  and  I  will  see  you  in  Naples,  and  explain 
all/  and  now,  by  Christmas,  I  want  to  go  back  to 
town  and  find  her,  and  rescue  her  from  that 
jealous  husband,"  and  dad  got  up  and  we  started 
for  the  car. 

The  man  and  his  wife  went  down  on  the  car 
ahead  of  us,  and  dad  wouldn't  believe  they  were 
regular  bunko  people,  who  play  that  game  every 
day  on  some  old  sucker,  but  the  man  that  runs 
the  car  told  me  so. 

I  can  be  responsible  for  dad  in  everything  ex 
cept  the  women  he  meets.  When  it  comes  to 
women,  your  little  Hennery  don't  know  the  game 
at  all.  Yours, 

HENNERY. 


216 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

The  Bad  Boy  Makes  Friends  with  Some  Italian  Chil 
dren — Dad  Is  Chased  by  Lions  from  the  Coli 
seum — "Not  Any  More  Rome  for 
Papa,"  Says  Dad. 

ROME,  ITALY.— My  Dear  Old  "  Pard:"  Well, 
sir,  if  you  could  see  me  now,  you  wouldn't 
know  me,  because  foreign  travel  has  broadened 
me  out  so  I  can  talk  on  any  subject,  and  people 
of  my  age  look  upon  me  as  an  authority,  and 
they  surround  me  everywhere  I  go  and  urge  me 
to  talk.  The  fact  that  the  boys  and  girls  do  not 
understand  a  word  I  say  makes  no  difference. 
They  do  not  wear  many  clothes  here,  and  there 
is  no  style  about  them,  and  when  they  see  me 
with  a  whole  suit  of  clothes  on,  and  a  hat  and 
shoes  and  socks,  and  a  scarf-pin  on  my  necktie, 
they  think  I  must  be  an  Americano  that  is  too 
rich  for  any  use,  or  something  that  ranks  with  a 
prince  at  least,  and  the  boys  delight  to  be  with 
me  and  do  errands  for  me,  and  the  girls  seem  to 
be  in  love  with  me. 

There  is  no  way  you  can  tell  if  a  girl  is  in  love 
with  you,  except  that  she  looks  at  you  with  eyes 

217 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

that  are  as  black  as  coal,  and  they  seem  to  burn 
a  hole  right  into  your  insides,  and  when  they 
take  hold  of  your  hand  they  hang  on  and  squeeze 
like  alamand-left  in  a  dance  at  home,  and  they 
snug  up  to  you  and  are  as  warm  and  cheerful  as 
a  gas  stove. 

Say,  I  sat  on  a  bench  in  a  plaza  with  a  girl 
about  my  age,  for  an  hour,  while  the  other  girls 
and  boys  sat  on  the  ground  and  looked  at  us  in 
admiration,  and  when  I  put  my  arm  around  her 
and  kissed  her  on  her  pouting  lips,  it  brought  on 
a  revolution.  An  Italian  soldier  policeman  took 
me  by  the  neck  and  threw  me  across  the  street, 
the  girl  scratched  me  with  her  finger  nails  and 
bit  me,  and  yelled  some  grand  hailing  sign  of  dis 
tress,  her  brother  and  a  ragged  boy  that  was  in 
love  with  the  girl  and  was  jealous,  drew  daggers, 
and  the  whole  crowd  yelled  murder,  and  I  started 
for  our  hotel  on  a  run,  and  the  whole  population 
of  Rome  seemed  to  follow  me,  and  I  might  as 
well  have  been  a  negro  accused  of  crime  in  the 
states.  I  thought  they  would  burn  me  at  the 
stake,  but  dad  came  out  of  the  hotel  and  threw  a 
handful  of  small  change  into  the  crowd,  and  it 
was  all  off. 

After  they  picked  up  the  coin  they  beckoned  me 
to  come  out  and  play  some  more,  but  not  any 

218 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

more  for  little  Hennery.  I  have  been  in  love  in 
all  countries  where  we  have  traveled,  and  in  all 
languages,  but  this  Italian  love  takes  the  whole 
bakery,  and  I  do  not  go  around  any  more  with 
out  a  chaperone.  The  girls  are  ragged  and  wear 


"  When  I  put  my^  arm  around  her  and  kissed  her  on  the  pouting 
lips  it  brought  on  a  re-volution." 

shawls  over  their  heads,  and  there  are  holes  in 
their  dresses  and  their  skin  isn't  white,  like 
American  girls',  but  is  what  they  call  olive  com 
plexion,  like  stuffed  olives  you  buy  in  bottles, 
stuffed  with  cayenne  pepper,  but  the  girls  are  just 
like  the  cayenne  pepper,  so  warm  that  you  want 

219 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

to  throw  water  on  yourself  after  they  have 
touched  you.  Gee,  but  I  wouldn't  want  to  live 
in  a  climate  where  girls  were  a  torrid  zone,  'cause 
I  should  melt,  like  an  icicle  that  drops  in  a  stove, 
and  makes  steam  and  blows  up  the  whole  house. 

Well,  old  man,  you  talk  about  churches,  but  you 
don't  know  anything  about  it.  Dad  and  I  went  to 
St.  Peter's  in  Rome,  and  it  is  the  grandest  thing 
in  the  world.  Say,  the  Congregational  church  at 
home,  which  we  thought  so  grand,  could  be  put 
in  one  little  corner  of  St.  Peter's,  and  would  look 
like  30  cents.  St.  Peter's  covers  ground  about 
half  a  mile  square,  and  when  you  go  inside  and 
look  at  grown  people  on  the  other  side  of  it,  they 
look  like  flies,  and  the  organ  is  as  big  as  a  block 
of  buildings  in  Chicago,  and  when  they  blow  it 
you  think  the  last  day  has  come,  and  yet  the  music 
is  as  sweet  as  a  melodeon,  and  makes  you  want  to 
get  down  on  your  knees  with  all  the  thousands  of 
good  Christians  of  Italy,  and  confess  that  you 
are  a  fraud  that  ought  to  be  arrested. 

Dad  and  I  have  been  to  all  kinds  of  churches, 
everywhere,  and  never  turned  a  hair,  but  since 
we  got  to  this  town  and  got  some  of  the  prevail 
ing  religion  into  our  systems,  we  feel  guilty,  and 
it  seems  as  though  everybody  could  see  right  into 
us,  and  that  they  knew  we  were  heathen  that 

220 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

never  knew  there  was  a  God.  Sure  thing,  I 
never  supposed  there  were  so  many  people  in  the 
world  that  worshiped  their  Maker,  as  there  are 
here,  and  I  don't  wonder  that  all  over  the  world 
good  people  look  to  Rome  for  the  light.  Dad 
keeps  telling  me  that  when  we  get  home  we  will 
set  an  example  that  will  make  people  pay  atten 
tion,  but  he  says  he  does  not  want  to  join  the 
church  until  he  has  seen  all  the  sights,  and  then 
he  will  swear  off  for  good. 

He  said  to  me  yesterday :  "  Now,  Hennery,  I 
have  been  to  all  the  pious  places  with  you,  the 
pope's  residence,  the  catacombs  and  St.  Peter's, 
where  they  preach  from  40  different  places  and 
make  you  feel  like  giving  up  your  sins,  and  I  have 
looked  at  carvings  and  decorations  and  marble 
and  jewels  and  seen  the  folly  of  my  ways  of  life, 
and  I  am  ripe  for  a  change,  but  before  I  give  up 
the  world  and  all  of  its  wickedness,  I  want  blood. 
I  want  to  go  to  the  other  extreme,  and  see  the  wild 
beasts  at  the  Coliseum  tear  human  beings  limb 
from  limb,  and  drink  their  blood,  and  see  gladi 
ators  gladiate,  and  chop  down  their  antagonists, 
and  put  one  foot  on  their  prostrate  necks,  like  they 
do  in  the  theaters,  and  then  I  am  ready  to  leave 
this  town  and  be  good." 

Well,  sir,  I  have  been  in  lots  of  tight  places 

221 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

before,  but  this  one  beat  the  band.  Here  was  my 
dad,  who  did  not  know  that  the  Roman  gladiator 
business  had  been  off  the  boards  for  over  2,000 
years,  that  the  eating  of  human  prisoners  by  wild 
beasts  in  the  presence  of  the  Roman  populace  was 


What  Dad  wanted  to  see. 

played  out,  and  that  the  Coliseum  was  a  ruin  and 
did  not  exist  as,  a  place  of  amusement.  He 
thought  everything  that  he  had  read  about  the 
horrors  of  a  Roman  holiday  was  running  to-day, 
as  a  side  show,  and  he  wanted  to  see  it,  and  I  had 

222 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

encouraged  him  in  his  ideas,  because  he  was 
nervous,  and  I  didn't  want  to  undeceive  him.  He 
had  come  to  Rome  to  see  things  he  couldn't  find 
at  home,  and  it  was  up  to  me  to  deliver  the  goods. 

Gee,  but  it  made  me  sweat,  'cause  I  knew  if  dad 
did  not  get  a  show  for  his  money  he  would  lay 
it  up  against  me,  so  I  told  him  we  would  go  to 
the  Coliseum  that  night  and  see  the  hungry  lions 
and  tigers  eat  some  of  the  leading  citizens,  just 
as  they  did  when  Caesar  run  the  show.  Then  I 
found  an  American  from  Chicago  at  the  hotel, 
who  sells  soap  in  Rome,  and  told  him  what  dad 
expected  of  me  in  the  way  of  amusement,  and 
he  said  the  only  way  was  to  take  dad  out  to  the 
Coliseum,  and  in  the  dark  roll  a  barrel  of  broken 
glass  down  the  tiers  of  seats  and  make  him  be 
lieve  there  was  an  earthquake  that  had  destroyed 
the  Coliseum,  and  that  the  lions  and  tigers  were 
all  loose,  looking  for  people  to  eat,  and  scare  dad 
and  make  a  run  back  to  town. 

I  didn't  want  to  play  such  a  scandalous  trick 
on  dad,  but  the  Chicago  man  said  that  was  the 
only  way  out  of  it,  and  he  could  get  a  barrel  of 
broken  glass  for  a  dollar,  and  hire  four  ruffians 
that  could  roar  like  lions  for  a  few  dollars,  and 
it  would  give  dad  good  exercise,  and  may  be  save 
him  from  a  run  of  Roman  fever,  'cause  there  was 

223 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

nothing  like  a  good  sweat  to  knock  the  fever  out 
of  a  fellow's  system.  The  thing  struck  me  as  not 
only  a  good  experience  for  dad,  but  a  life  saver, 
so  I  whacked  up  the  money,  and  the  Chicago  soap 
man  did  the  rest. 

After  dark  we  went  out  to  the  ruin  of  the  Coli 
seum,  where  a  great  many  tourists  go  to  look  at 
the  ruins  by  moonlight,  and  dad  was  as  anxious 
and  bloodthirsty  as  a  young  surgeon  cutting  up 
his  first  "  stiff."  When  we  got  to  the  right  place, 
and  I  told  dad  we  were  a  little  early,  because  the 
nobility  were  not  in  their  seats,  the  villains  began 
to  roar  three  dollars'  worth  like  hungry  lions, 
and  dad  turned  a  little  pale  and  said  that  sounded 
like  the  real  thing. 

I  told  him  we  better  not  get  too  near,  because 
we  were  not  accustomed  to  seeing  live  men 
chewed  up  by  beasts,  and  dad  said  he  didn't  care 
how  near  we  got,  as  long  as  they  chewed  and 
tore  to  pieces  the  natives ;  so  we  started  to  work 
up  a  little  nearer,  when  there  was  a  noise  such  as 
I  never  heard  before,  as  the  hogshead  of  broken 
glass  began  to  roll  down  the  tiers  of  stone  seats, 
and  I  fell  over  on  the  ground,  and  pushed  dad, 
and  he  went  over  in  the  sand  and  struck  his  pants 
on  a  cactus,  and  yelled  that  he  was  stabbed  with 
a  dirk,  and  I  got  up  and  fell  down  again,  and 

224 


"  /  fell  and  pushed  dad  and  he  went  over  in  the  sand  and  struck 
his  pants  on  a  cactus." 


just  then  the  Chicago  soap  man  came  up  on  a 
gallop,  followed  by  the  villains  playing  lion  and 
tiger,  and  dad  asked  the  Chicago  man  what 
seemed  to  be  the  matter,  and  he  said:  "Matter 
enough;  there  has  been  an  earthquake,  and  the 
Coliseum  has  fallen  down,  killing  more  than  10,- 
ooo  Romans,  and  the  animals'  cages  are  busted 
and  the  animals  are  loose,  looking  for  fresh  meat, 
and  we  better  get  right  back  to  Rome,  too  quick, 
or  we  will  be  eaten  alive.  Come  on  if  you  are 
with  me.  Do  you  hear  the  lions  after  us?"  .said 
he,  as  the  hired  villains  roared. 

Well,  you'd  a  died  to  see  dad  get  up  out  of 
that  prickly  cactus  and  take  the  lead  for  good  old 
Rome.  I  didn't  know  he  was  such  a  sprinter, 
but  we  trailed  along  behind,  roaring  like  lions 
and  snarling  like  tigers  and  yip-yapping  like  hy 
enas  and  barking  like  timber  wolves,  and  we 
couldn't  see  dad  for  the  dust,  on  that  moonlight 
night. 

We  slowed  up  and  let  dad  run  ahead,  and  he 
got  to  the  hotel  first,  and  we  paid  off  the  villains, 
and  finally  we  went  in  the  hotel  and  found  dad 
in  the  bar-room  puffing  and  drinking  a  high-ball. 
"  Pretty  near  hell,  wasn't  it,"  said  dad,  to  the 
soap  man.  "  Did  the  lions  catch  anybody?"  "  O, 
a  few  of  the  lower  classes,"  said  the  soap  man, 

226 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

"  but  none  of  the  nobility.  The  nobility  were  in 
the  boxes  and  that  part  of  the  Coliseum  never 
falls  during  an  earthquake,"  and  the  soap  man 
joined  dad  in  a  high-ball. 

After  dad  got  through  puffing  and  had  wiped 
about  two  quarts  of  perspiration  off  his  head  and 


"  You'd  a  died  to  see  dad  take  the  lead  for  good  old  Rome." 

neck,  and  the  soap  man  had  told  him  what  a  great 
thing  it  was  to  perspire  in  Rome,  on  account  of 
the  Roman  fever,  that  catches  a  man  at  night 
and  kills  him  before  morning,  dad  turned  to  me 
and  said:  "Hennery,  you  go  pack  up  and  we 
get  out  of  this  in  the  morning,  for  I  feel  as  though 
I  had  been  chewed  by  one  of  those  hyenas.  Not 

227 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

any  more  Rome  for  papa,"  and  the  high-ball  party 
broke  up,  and  we  went  to  bed  to  get  sleep  enough 
to  leave  town. 

Do  you  know,  the  next  morning  those  hired 
villains  made  the  soap  man  and  I  pay  ten  dollars 
extra  on  account  of  straining  their  lungs  roar 
ing  like  lions?  But  we  paid  for  their  lungs  all 
right,  rather  than  have  them  present  a  bill  to  dad. 

Well,  good-by,  old  man.  We  are  getting  all 
the  fun  there  is  going.  Your  only, 

HENNERY. 


228 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Visit  the  Pope — They  Bow 

to  the  King  of  Italy  and  His  Nine  Spots — Dad 

Finds  That  "The  Catacombs"  Is  Not  a 

Comic  Opera. 

Rome,  Italy. — Dear  Old  Friend :  You  remem 
ber,  don't  you  when  you  were  a  boy,  playing  "  tag, 
you're  it,"  and  "  button,  button,  who's  got  the  but 
ton  ?  "  that  one  of  the  trying  situations  was  to 
be  judged  to  "  go  to  Rome,"  which  meant  that 
you  were  to  kiss  every  girl  in  the  room. 

I  never  got  enough  "  going  to  Rome  "  when  I. 
attended  church  sociables  and  parties,  but  always 
got  blindfolded,  and  had  to  kiss  anybody  they 
brought  to  me,  which  was  usually  a  boy  or  a  col 
ored  cook,  so  I  teased  dad  to  take  me  to  Rome, 
and  when  he  got  over  his  being  rattled  and 
robbed  and  burned  by  lava  at  Vesuvius,  he  said  he 
didn't  care  where  he  went,  and,  besides,  I  told 
him  about  the  Roman  Coliseum,  where  they 
turned  hungry  tigers  and  lions  and  hyenas  loose 
among  the  gladiators,  and  the  people  could  see 
the  beasts  eat  them  alive,  and  dad  said  that  was 
something  like  it,  as  the  way  he  had  been  robbed 

229 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


and  misued  in  Italy,  he  would  enjoy  seeing  a  good 
share  of  the  population  chewed  by  lions,  if  the 
lions  could  stand  it.  I  didn't  tell  dad  that  the 
wild  animal  show  had  not  been  running  for  a 


I  had  to  kiss  anybody  they  brought  to  me." 

couple  of  thousand  years,  'cause  I  thought  he 
would  find  it  out  when  we  got  here. 

Say,  old  man,  I  guess  I  can  help  you  to  locate 
Rome.  You  remember  the  time  I  spoke  a  piece  at 
the  school  exhibition,  when  I  put  my  hand  inside 
my  flannel  shirt,  like  an  orator,  and  said :  "  And 

230 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

this  is  Rome,  that  sat  on  her  seven  hills,  and  from 
her  throne  of  beauty  ruled  the  whole  world." 
Well,  this  is  it,  where  I  am  now,  but  the  seven 
hills  have  been  graded  down,  and  Rome  don't  rule 
the  whole  world  a  little  bit ;  but  she  has  got  relig 
ion  awful. 

The  pope  lives  here,  and  he  is  the  boss  of  more 
religious  people  than  anybody,  and  though  you 
may  belong  to  any  other  kind  of  church,  and 
when  you  are  home  you  don't  care  a  continental 
for  any  religion  except  your  own,  or  your  wife's 
religion,  and  you  act  like  an  infidel,  and  scoff  at 
good  people,  when  you  get  to  Rome  and  see  the 
churches  thicker  than  saloons  in  Milwaukee,  and 
everybody  attending  church  and  looking  pious, 
you  catch  the  fever,  and  try  to  forget  bad  things 
you  have  done,  and  if  you  get  a  chance  to  see  the 
pope,  you  may  go  to  his  palace  just  'cause  you 
want  to  see  everything  that  is  going  on,  and  you 
think  you  don't  care  whether  school  keeps  or 
not,  and  you  feel  independent,  as  though  this  re 
ligion  was  something  for  weak  people  to  indulge 
in,  and  finally  you  come  face  to  face  with  the  pope, 
and  see  his  beautiful  face,  and  his  grand  eyes, 
and  his  every  movement  is  full  of  pious  meaning, 
you  "  penuk  "  right  there,  and  want  to  kneel  down 
and  let  him  bless  you,  by  gosh. 

231 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

Say,  I  never  saw  dad  weaken  like  he  did  when 
the  pope  came  in.  We  got  tickets  to  go  to  his 
reception,  but  dad  said  he  had  rather  go  to  the 
catacombs,  or  the  lion  show  at  the  Coliseum.  He 
said  he  didn't  want  to  encourage  popes,  because 
he  didn't  believe  they  amounted  to  any  more  than 
presiding  elders  at  home.  He  said  he  had  always 
been  a  Baptist,  and  they  didn't  have  any  popes  in 
his  church,  and  he  didn't  believe  in  'em,  but  some 
other  Americans  were  going  to  see  the  pope,  and 
dad  consented  to  go,  under  protest,  it  being  un 
derstood  that  he  didn't  care  two  whoops,  anyway. 

Well,  sir,  we  went,  and  it  was  the  grandest 
thing  you  ever  saw.  There  were  guards  by  the 
thousand,  beautiful  gardens  that  would  make 
Central  Park  look  like  a  hay  marsh,  hundreds  of 
people  in  church  vestments,  and  an  air  of  sanctity 
that  we  never  dreamed;  jewels  that  are  never 
seen  outside  the  pope's  residence,  and  we  lined  up 
to  see  the  holy  father  pass. 

Gee,  but  dad  trembled  like  a  dog  tied  out  in  the 
snow,  and  the  perspiration  stood  out  on  his  face, 
and  he  looked  sorry  for  himself.  Then  came  the 
procession,  all  nobles  and  great  people,  and  then 
there  was  a  party  of  pious  men  carrying  the  most 
beautiful  man  we  ever  saw  on  a  platform  above 
us,  and  it  was  the  pope,  and  he  smiled  at  me,  and 

232 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

the  tears  came  to  my  eyes,  and  I  couldn't  swallow 
something  which  I  s'pose  was  my  sins,  and  then 
he  looked  at  dad,  and  held  up  one  hand,  and  dad 
was  pale,  and  there  was  no  funny  business  about 
dad  any  more,  and  then  they  set  the  platform 


"Say,  for  awhile  dad  dassent  go  up." 

down  and  the  pope  sat  in  a  chair,  and  those  who 
wanted  to  went  up  to  him,  and  he  blessed  them. 

Say,  for  awhile  dad  dassent  go  up,  'cause  he 
thought  the  pope  could  see  right  through  him, 
and  would  know  he  was  a  Baptist,  but  the  rest  of 
the  Americans  were  going  up,  and  dad  didn't 

233 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

want  to  be  eccentric,  so  he  and  I  went  up.  The 
pope  put  out  his  hand  to  dad,  and  instead  of  shak 
ing  it,  as  he  would  the  hand  of  any  other  man  on 
earth,  and  asking  how  his  folks  were,  dad  bent 
over  and  kissed  the  pope's  hand,  and  the  pope 
blessed  him.  Dad  looked  like  a  new  man,  a  good 
man,  and  when  the  pope  put  his  hand  on  my  head, 
and  blessed  me,  my  heart  came  up  in  my  throat, 
'cause  I  thought  he  must  know  of  all  the  mean 
things  I  had  ever  done,  but  I  can  feel  his  soft, 
beautiful  hand  on  my  head  now,  and  from  this 
out  I  would  fight  any  boy  twice  my  size  that  ever 
said  a  word  against  the  pope  and  his  religion. 
When  we  got  outside  dad  says  to  me :  "Hennery, 
don't  you  ever  let  me  hear  of  your  doing  a  thing 
that  would  make  the  good  man  sorry  if  he  was 
to  hear  about  it."  And  we  went  to  our  hotel  and 
stayed  all  the  afternoon,  and  all  night,  and  just 
thought  of  that  pope's  angelic  face,  and  when  one 
of  the  Americans  came  to  our  room  and  wanted 
dad  to  play  cinch,  he  was  indignant,  and  said :  "  I 
would  as  soon  think  of  robbing  a  child's  bank," 
and  we  went  to  bed,  and  if  dad  wasn't  a  converted 
man  I  never  saw  one. 

Well,  sir,  trouble,  and  sorrow,  and  religion, 
don't  last  very  long  on  dad.  The  next  morning 
we  talked  things  over,  and  I  quoted  all  the  Ro- 

234 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

man  stuff  I  could  think  of  to  dad,  such  as  "In  that 
elder  day,  to  be  a  Roman  was  greater  than  a 
king,"  but  before  I  could  think  twice  there  was  a 
commotion  in  the  streets  and  a  porter  came  and 
made  us  take  off  our  hats,  because  the  king  was 
riding  by,  and  we  looked  at  the  king,  and  dad 
was  hot.  He  said  that  fellow  was  nothing  but  a 
railroad  hand,  disguised  in  a  uniform,  and,  by 
ginger,  if  we  had  seen  that  king  out  west  work 
ing  on  a  railroad,  with  canvas  clothes  on,  he 
would  not  have  looked  like  a  king,  on  a  bet.  There 
was  nothing  but  his  good  clothes  that  stood  be 
tween  the  king  and  a  dago  digging  sewers  in  Chi 
cago.  . 

After  the  king  and  his  ninespots  had  passed, 
dad  said :  "When  you  are  in  Rome,  you  must  do 
as  the  Romans  do,"  and  he  said  he  wanted  to  get 
that  heavy  feeling  off  his  shoulders,  which  he  got 
at  the  religious  procession,  and  wanted  me  to  sug 
gest  something  devilish  that  we  could  do,  and  I 
told  him  we  better  go  and  see  the  "Catacombs." 
He  wanted  to  know  if  it  was  anything  like  "a 
trip  to  Chinatown,"  or  the  "Black  Crook,"  and 
I  told  him  it  was  worse.  Then  he  asked  me  if 
there  was  much  low  neck  and  long  stockings  in 
the  "Catacombs,"  and  I  told  him  there  was  a 
plenty,  and  he  said  he  was  just  ripe  to  see  that 

235 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

kind  of  a  show,  and  so  we  took  a  carriage  for  the 
"Catacombs,"  and  dad  could  hardly  keep  still  till 
we  got  there. 

I  suppose  I  ought  to  be  killed  for  fooling  dad, 
but  he  craved  for  excitement,  and  he  got  it.  The 
"Catacombs"  are  where  Roman  citizens  have 
been  buried  for  thousands  of  years,  in  graves 
hewn  out  of  solid  rock,  and  they  are  petrified,  and 
after  they  have  laid  in  the  graves  for  a  few  hun 
dred  years,  the  mummified  bodies  are  taken  out 
and  stood  up  in  corners,  if  the  bodies  will  hang 
together,  and  if  not  the  bones  are  piled  up  around 
for  scenery. 

We  had  to  take  torches  to  go  in,  and  we  wan 
dered  through  corridors,  gazing  at  the  remains, 
until  dad  asked  one  of  the  men  with  us  what  it 
all  meant,  and  the  man  said  it  was  the  greatest 
show  on  earth.  Dad  began  to  think  he  was  nutty, 
and  when  I  laughed,  and  said :  "That  is  great," 
and  clapped  my  hands,  and  said :  "Encore,"  dad 
stopped  and  said :  "Hennery,  this  is  no  leg  show, 
this  is  a  morgue,"  but  to  cheer  him  up  I  told  him 
his  head  must  be  wrong,  and  I  pointed  to  about 
a  hundred  dried  corpses,  a  thousand  years  old,  in 
a  corner,  with  grinning  skulls  all  around,  and  told 
him  that  was  the  ballet,  and  told  him  to  look  at  the 
leading  dancer,  and  asked  him  if  she  wasn't  a 

236 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

beaut,  from  Butte,  Mont.,  and  that  killed  dad. 
He  leaned  against  me,  and  said  his  eyes  must 
have  gone  back  on  him,  because  everything  looked 
dead  to  him.  I  told  him  he  would  get  over  it 
after  awhile,  and  to  stay  where  he  was  while  I 
went  and  spoke  to  one  of  the  ballet  that  was  beck 
oning  to  me,  and  I  left  him  there,  dazed,  and  went 
around  a  corner  and  hid. 

People  were  coming  along  with  torches  all  the 
time,  looking  at  the  catacombs  and  reading  the 
inscriptions  cut  in  the  rock,  and  after  awhile  I 
went  back  to  where  I  left  dad,  and  he  was  gone, 
but  after  awhile  I  found  him  standing  up  with 
the  stiffs.  He  was  glad  to  see  me,  and  wanted  to 
know  if  I  thought  he  was  dead.  I  told  him  I  was 
sure  he  was  alive,  though  he  had  a  deathly  look 
on  his  face.  "Well,  sir,"  says  dad,  "I  thought  it 
was  all  over  with  me,  after  you  left,  for  a  man 
came  along  and  moved  me  around,  and  took  hold 
under  my  arms  and  jumped  me  along  here  by 
these  stiffs,  and  told  me  if  I  didn't  stay  where  I 
belonged  he  would  break  me  up  into  bones,  and 
throw  me  into  a  pile,  and  I  thought  I  would  have 
to  do  as  the  Romans  do  and  stay  here,  and  before 
the  man  left  me  he  reached  into  my  pocket  and 
took  my  money,  and  said  I  couldn't  spend  any 
money  in  there  where  I  was  going  to  stay  for  a 

237 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

million  years,  and,  by  gosh,  I  was  so  petrified  I 
couldn't  stop  him  from  robbing  me.  Say,  Hen 
nery,  they  will  rob  you  anywhere,  even  in  the 
grave,  and  if  this  Catacomb  show  is  over,  and 
the  curtain  has  gone  down,  I  want  to  get  out  of 


Told  dad  if  he  didn't  stay  where  he  belonged  he  would  break  him 
up  into  bones  and  throw  him  on  a  pile. 

here,  and  go  to  the  Coliseum  or  the  Roman  am 
phitheater,  where  the  wild  beasts  eat  people 
alive."  And  so  we  left  the  Catacombs  and  went 
back  to  town,  and  dad  began  to  show  life  again. 
Say,  you  tell  the  folks  at  home  that  dad  is  gain- 

238 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ing  every  day,  and  his  vacation  is  doing  him 
good.  He  has  promised  to  kill  me  for  taking  him 
to  the  Catacomb  show,  but  dad  never  harbors 
revenge  for  long,  and  I  guess  your  little  nephew 
will  pull  through.  I  wish  I  had  my  skates,  cause 
dad  wants  to  go  to  Russia.  Yours, 

HENNERY. 


339 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XX. 

The  Bad  Boy  Tells  About  the  Land  of  the  Czar  and 

the  Trouble  They  Had  to  Get  There— Dad  Does 

a  Stunt  and  Mixes  It  Up  with  the 

People  and  Soldiers. 

St.  Petersburg,  Russia. — My  Dear  Groceryow- 
ski :  Well,  sir,  I  'spose  you  will  be  surprised  to 
hear  from  me  in  Russia,  but  there  was  no  use  talk 
ing  when  Dad  said  he  was  going  to  St.  Peters 
burg  if  it  was  the  last  act  of  his  life.  He  got  talk 
ing  with  a  Japaneser  in  Rome  and  the  Jap  said  the 
war  in  the  far  east  would  last  until  every  Russian 
was  killed,  unless  America  interfered  to  put  a  stop 
to  it,  and  as  Roosevelt  didn't  appear  to  have  sand 
enough  to  offer  his  services  to  the  czar,  what  it 
needed  was  for  some  representative  American 
citizen  who  was  brave  and  had  nerve  to  go  to  St. 
Petersburg  and  see  the  czarovitch  and  give  him 
the  benefit  of  a  good  American  talk.  The  Jap  said 
the  American  who  brought  about  peace,  by  a  few 
well  chosen  remarks,  would  be  the  greatest  man 
of  the  century,  and  would  live  to  be  bowed  down 
to  by  kings  and  emperors  and  all  the  world  would 
doff  hats  to  him. 

24.O 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

At  first  dad  was  a  little  leary  about  going  on 
such  a  mission  without  credentials  from  Wash 
ington,  but  as  luck  would  have  it,  he  met  an  exiled 
Russian  at  a  restaurant,  who  told  dad  that  he  re 
minded  him  of  Gen.  Grant,  because  dad  had  a 
wart  on  the  side  of  his  nose,  and  he  told  dad  that 
Russia  would  keep  on  fighting  until  every  Japan 
ese  was  killed  unless  some  distinguished  Ameri 
can  should  be  raised  up  who  deemed  it  his  duty 
to  go  to  St.  Petersburg  and  see  the  Little  Father, 
and  in  the  interest  of  humanity  advise  the  czar 
to  call  a  halt  before  he  had  exterminated  the 
whole  yellow  race.  Dad  asked  the  Russian  if  he 
thought  the  czar  would  grant  an  audience  to  an 
American  of  eminence  in  his  own  country,  and 
the  Russian  told  dad  that  Nicholas  just  doted  on 
Americans,  and  that  there  was  hardly  ever  an 
American  ballet  dancer  that  went  to  Russia  but 
what  the  czar  sent  for  her  to  come  and  see  him 
and  dance  before  the  grand  dukes,  and  he  always 
gave  them  jewels  and  cans  of  caviar  as  souvenirs 
of  their  visit. 

Dad  thought  it  over  all  night,  and  the  next 
morning  we  started  for  Russia  and  I  wish  we  had 
joined  an  expedition  to  discover  the  North  Pole 
instead  of  coming  here.  Say,  it  is  harder  to  get 
into  Russia  than  it  would  be  to  get  out  of  a  peni- 

241 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

tentiary  at  home.  At  the  frontier  we  were  met 
by  guards  on  horseback  and  on  foot,  policemen, 
detectives  and  other  grafters,  who  took  our  pass 
ports  and  money,  and  one  fellow  made  me  ex 
change  my  socks  with  him.  Then  they  impris 
oned  us  in  a  stable  with  some  cows  until  they 


Told  Dad  that  Nicholas  just  doted  on  Americans* 

could  hold  a  coroner's  inquest  on  our  passports 
and  divide  our  money.  We  slept  with  the  cows 
the  first  night  in  Russia,  and  I  do  not  want  to 
sleep  again  with  animals  that  chew  cuds  all  night, 
and  get  up  half  a  dozen  times  to  hump  up  their 
backs  and  stretch  and  bellow.  We  never  slept  a 
wink,  and  could  look  out  through  the  cracks  in  the 

242 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

stable  and  see  the  guards  shaking  dice  for  our 
money. 

Finally  they  looked  at  the  great  seal  on  our 
passports  and  saw  it  was  an  American  document, 
and  they  began  to  turn  pale,  as  pale  as  a  Russian 
can  get  without  using  soap,  and  when  I  said, 
'*  Washington,  embassador,  minister  plenipoten 
tiary,  Roosevelt,  Hot  Time  in  the  Old  Town  To 
night,  E  Pluribus  Unum,  whoopla,  San  Juan 
Hill,"  and  pointed  to  dad,  who  was  just  coming 
out  of  the  stable,  looking  like  Washington  at  Val 
ley  Forge,  the  guards  and  other  robbers  bowed  to 
dad,  gave  him  a  bag  full  of  Russian  money  in 
place  of  that  which  they  had  taken  away,  and  let 
us  take  a  freight  train  for  St.  Petersburg,  and 
they  must  have  told  the  train  men  who  we  were, 
because  everybody  on  the  cars  took  off  their  hats 
to  us,  and  divided  their  lunch  with  us. 

Dad  could  not  understand  the  change  in  the 
attitude  of  the  people  towards  us  until  I  told  him 
that  they  took  him  for  a  distinguished  American 
statesman,  and  that  as  long  as  we  were  in  Russia 
he  must  try  to  look  like  George  Washington  and 
act  like  Theodore  Roosevelt,  so  every  little  while 
dad  would  stand  up  in  the  aisle  of  the  car  and  pose 
like  George  Washington  and  when  anybody  gave 
him  a  sandwich  or  a  cigarette  he  would  show  his 

243 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

teeth  and  say,  "  Deelighted,"  and  all  the  way  to 
St.  Petersburg  dad  carried  out  his  part  of  the  pro 
gramme  and  we  were  not  robbed  once  on  the  trip, 
but  dad  tried  to  smoke  one  of  the  cigarettes  that 
was  given  him  by  a  Cossack,  and  he  died  in  my 
arms,  pretty  near. 

They  make  cigarettes  out  of  baled  hay  that  has 
been  used  for  beddings  and  covered  with  paper 
that  has  been  used  to  poison  flies.  I  never  smelled 
anything  so  bad  since  they  fumigated  our  house 
by  the  board  of  health  after  the  hired  girl  had 
smallpox. 

Well,  we  got  to  St.  Petersburg  in  an  awful 
time,  and  went  to  a  hotel,  suspected  by  the  police, 
and  marked  as  undesirable  guests  by  the  Cos 
sacks,  and  winked  at  by  the  walking  delegates 
and  strikers,  who  thought  we  were  non-union 
men  looking  for  their  jobs. 

The  next  day  the  religious  ceremony  of  "  bless 
ing  the  Neva  "  took  place,  where  all  the  popula 
tion  gets  out  on  the  bank  of  the  river,  with  over 
shoes  on,  and  fur  coats,  and  looks  down  on  the 
river,  covered  with  ice  four  feet  thick,  and  the 
river  is  blessed.  In  our  country  the  people  would 
damn  a  river  that  had  ice  four  feet  thick,  but  in 
Russia  they  bless  anything  that  will  stand  it.  We 
got  a  good  place  on  the  bank  of  the  river,  with 

244 


Shakine  dice  for  our  money. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

about  a  million  people  who  had  sheepskin  coats 
on,  and  who  steamed  like  a  sheep  ranch,  and  were 
enjoying  the  performance,  looking  occasionally 
at  the  Winter  palace,  where  the  czar  was  peeking 
out  of  a  window,  wondering  from  which  direc 
tion  a  bomb  would  come  to  blow  him  up,  when  a 
battery  of  artillery  across  the  river  started  to  fire 
a  salute,  and  then  the  devil  was  to  pay.  It  seems 
that  the  gentlemen  who  handled  the  guns,  and 
who  were  supposed  to  fire  blank  cartridges  into 
the  air,  put  in  loaded  cartridges,  filled  with  grape 
shot,  and  took  aim  at  the  Winter  palace,  and  cut 
loose  at  Mr.  Czar. 

Well,  you  would  have  been  paralyzed  to  see  the 
change  that  came  over  that  crowd,  blessing  the 
river  one  minute  and  damning  the  czar  and  the 
grand  dukes  the  next.  The  shot  went  into  the 
Winter  palace  and  tore  the  furniture  and  ripped 
up  the  ceiling  of  the  room  the  czar  was  in,  and 
in  a  moment  all  was  chaos,  as  though  every  Rus 
sian  knew  the  czar  was  to  be  assassinated  at  that 
particular  moment,  and  all  rushed  toward  the 
Winter  palace  as  though  they  expected  pieces  of 
the  Little  Father  would  be  thrown  out  the  win 
dow  for  them  to  play  football  with.  For  a  people 
who  are  supposed  to  be  lawful  and  law-abiding, 
and  who  love  their  rulers,  it  seemed  strange  to 

246 


rfrrrrrr 
f rrrrrrn 

rf  r  r  r  r  f  r 


'A  man  in  the  sledge  with  a  uniform  on  hit  Dad  in  the  nose 
with  the   butt  of  a   revolver." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

see  them  all  so  tickled  when  they  thought  he  was 
blown  higher  than  a  kite  by  his  own  soldiers. 

Dad  and  I  started  with  the  crowd  for  the  Win 
ter  palace,  and  then  we  had  a  taste  of  monarchial 
government.  The  crowd  was  rushing  over  us 
and  dad  got  mad  and  pulled  off  his  coat  and  said 
he  could  whip  any  confounded  foreigner  that 
rubbed  against  him  with  a  sheepskin  coat  on,  and 
he  was  just  on  the  point  of  smiting  a  fellow  with 
whiskers  that  looked  like  scrambled  bristles  off  a 
black  hog  when  a  regiment  of  Cossacks  came 
down  on  the  crowd,  riding  horses  like  a  wild  west 
show,  and  with  whips  in  their  hands,  with  a  dozen 
lashes  to  each  whip,  and  they  began  to  lash  the 
crowd  and  ride  over  them,  while  the  people  cov 
ered  their  faces  with  their  arms,  and  run  away, 
afraid  of  the  whips,  which  cut  and  wound  and 
kill,  as  each  lash  has  little  lead  bullets  fastened 
to  them  and  a  stroke  of  the  whip  is  like  being  shot 
with  buck  shot  or  kicked  with  a  frozen  boot. 

Well,  sir,  dad  was  going  to  show,  the  Cossacks 
that  he  was  pretty  near  an  American  citizen  and 
didn't  propose  to  be  whipped  like  a  school  boy  by 
a  teacher  that  looked  like  a  valentine,  so  he  tried 
to  look  like  George  Washington  defying  the  Brit 
ish,  but  it  didn't  work,  for  a  Cossack  rode  right 
up  to  him  and  lashed  him  over  the  back  (and 

247 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

about  15  buck  shot  in  his  whip  took  dad  right 
where  the  pants  are  tight  when  you  bend  over  to 
pick  up  something)    and  the   Cossack  laughed 
when  dad  straightened  up  and  started  to  run. 
I  never  saw  such  a  change  in  a  man  as  there 


"A  Cossack  rode  right  up  to  him  and  lashed  him  over  the  back." 

was  in  dad.  He  started  for  our  hotel,  and  as 
good  a  sprinter  as  I  am  I  couldn't  keep  up  with 
him,  but  I  kept  him  in  sight.  Before  we  got  to 
the  hotel  a  sledge  came  along,  not  an  "  old 
sledge/'  such  as  you  play  with  cards,  high-low- 

248 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

Jack-game,  but  a  sort  of  a  sleigh,  with  three 
horses  abreast,  and  I  yelled  to  dad  to  take  a  hitch 
on  the  sledge,  and  he  grabbed  on  with  his  feet  on 
the  runners,  and  a  man  in  the  sledge  with  a  uni 
form  on,  who  seemed  to  be  a  grand  duke,  'cause 
everybody  was  chasing  him  and  yelling  to  head 
him  off,  hit  dad  in  the  nose  with  the  butt  of  a  re 
volver,  and  dad  fell  off  in  the  snow  and  the  crowd 
that  was  chasing  the  grand  duke  picked  dad  up 
and  carried  him  on  their  shoulders  because  they 
thought  he  had  tried  to  assassinate  the  duke,  and 
we  were  escorted  to  our  hotel  by  the  strikers. 

We  didn't  know  what  they  were,  but  you  can 
tell  -the  laboring  men  here  because  they  wear 
blouses  and  look  hungry,  and  when  they  left  us 
the  landlord  notified  the  police  that  suspicious 
characters  were  at  the  hotel,  and  came  there  es 
corted  by  the  mob,  and  the  police  surrounded  the 
house  and  dad  went  to  our  room  and  used  witch 
hazel  on  himself  where  the  Cossack  hit  him  with 
the  loaded  whip.  He  says  Russia  will  pay  pretty 
dear  for  that  stroke  of  the  whip  by  the  Cossack, 
and  I  think  dad  is  going  to  join  the  revolution 
that  is  going  to  be  pulled  off  next  Sunday. 

They  are  going  to  get  about  a  million  men  to 
take  a  petition  to  the  czar,  workingmen  and  an 
archists,  and  dad  says  he  is  going  as  an  American 

249 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

anarchist  who  is  smarting  from  injustice,  and  I 
guess  no  native  is  smarting  more  than  dad  is, 
'cause  he  has  to  stand  up  to  eat  and  lie  on  his 
stummick  to  sleep.  There  is  going  to  be  a  hades 
of  a^time  here  in  St.  Petersburg  this  next  week, 
and  dad  and  I  are  going  to  be  in  it  clear  up  to  our 
necks. 

Dad  has  given  up  trying  to  see  the  czar  about 
stopping  the  war  and  says  the  czar  and  the  whole 
bunch  can  go  plum  (to  the  devil)  and  he  will  die 
with  the  mob  and  follow  a  priest  who  is  stirring 
the  people  to  revolt. 

Gee,  I  hope  dad  will  not  get  killed  here  and  be 
buried  in  a  trench  with  a  thousand  Russians, 
smelling  as  they  do. 

I  met  a  young  man  from  Chicago,  who  is  here 
selling  reapers  for  the  harvester  trust,  and  he 
says  if  you  are  orice  suspected  of  having  sym 
pathy  with  the  working  people  who  are  on  a  strike 
you  might  just  as  well  say  your  prayers  and  take 
rough  on  rats,  'cause  the  Cossacks  will  get  you, 
and  he  would  advise  me  and  dad  to  get  out  of 
here  pretty  quick,  but  when  I  told  dad  about  it  he 
put  one  hand  on  his  heart  and  the  other  on  his 
pants  and  said  "  Arnica,  arnica,  arnica !  "  and 
the  police  that  were  on  guard  near  his  room 

250 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

thought  he  meant  anarchy,  and  they  sent  four 
detectives  to  stay  in  dad's  room. 

The  people  here,  the  Chicago  young  man  told 
me,  think  the  Cossacks  are  human  hyenas,  that 
they  have  had  their  hearts  removed  by  a  surgical 
operation  when  young,  and  a  piece  of  gizzard  put 
in  in  place  of  the  heart,  and  that  they  are  natural 
murderers,  the  sight  of  blood  acting  on  them  the 
same  as  champagne  on  a  human  being,  and  that 
but  for  the  Cossacks  Russia  would  have  a  popu 
lation  of  loving  subjects  that  would  make  it  safe 
for  the  Little  Father  to  go  anywhere  in  Russia 
unattended,  but  with  Cossacks  ready  to  whip  and 
murder  and  laugh  at  suffering  the  people  are  be 
coming  like  men  bitten  by  rabid  dogs,  and  they 
froth  at  the  mouth  and  have  spasms  and  carry 
bombs  up  their  sleeves,  ready  to  blow  up  the  mem 
bers  of  the  royal  family,  and  there  you  are. 

If  you  do  not  hear  from  me  after  next  Sunday 
you  can  put  dad's  obituary  and  mine  in  the  local 
papers  and  say  we  died  of  an  overdose  of  Cossack. 
If  we  get  through  this  revolution  alive  you  will 
hear  from  me,  but  this  is  the  last  revolution  I  am 
going  to  attend.  Yours, 

HENNERY. 


251 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

Dad  Sees  a  Russian  Revolution  and  Faints — The  Bad 

Boy  Arranges  a  Wolf  Hunt — Dad  Threatens 

to  Throw  the  Boy  to  the  Wolves. 

St.  Petersburg,  Russia. — My  Dear  Grocery- 
witz :  Well,  sir,  dad  and  I  have  got  too  much  of 
Russia  the  quickest  of  any  two  tourists  you  ever 
heard  of.  That  skirmish  we  saw,  the  day  the 
Russians  blessed  the  Neva,  and  shot  blank  car 
tridges  filled  with  old  iron  at  the  czar,  was  not  a 
marker  to  the  trouble  the  next  Sunday,  when  the 
working  people  marched  to  the  Winter  Palace,  to 
present  a  petition  to  the  "  Little  Father." 

We  thought  a  revolution  was  like  a  play,  and 
that  it  would  be  worth  going  miles  to  see.  Dad 
was  in  South  America  once  when  there  was  a 
revolution,  where  more  than  a  dozen  greasers, 
with  guns  that  wouldn't  shoot,  put  on  a  dozen 
different  kinds  of  uniforms,  and  yelled :  "  Down 
with  the  government,"  and  frothed  at  the  mouth, 
and  drank  buttermilk  and  yelled  Spanish  swear 
words,  and  acted  brave,  until  a  native  soldier  with 
white  pajamas  came  out  with  a  gun  and  shot  one 
of  the  revolutionists  in  the  thumb,  when  the  revo- 

252 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

lution  was  suppressed  and  the  next  day  the  revo 
lutionists  were  pounding  stone,  with  cannon  balls 
chained  to  their  legs;  and  dad  thought  a  revolu 
tion  in  Russia  would  be  something  like  that,  and 
that  we  could  get  on  a  front  porch  and  watch  it 
as  it  went  by,  and  joke  with  the  revolution,  and 
throw  confetti,  like  it  was  a  carnival,  but  that 
Sunday  that  the  Russian  revolution  was  begun, 
we  had  enough  blood  to  last  us  all  our  lives. 

We  got  a  place  sitting  on  an  iron  picket  fence, 
and  we  saw  the  people  coming  up  the  street  to 
wards  the  Winter  Palace,  dressed  mostly  in 
blouses,  and  looking  as  innocent  as  a  crowd  of 
sewer  diggers  at  home  going  up  to  the  city  hall 
to  ask  for  a  raise  in  wages  of  two  shillings  a  day. 
Nobody  had  a  gun,  and  no  one  would  have  known 
how  to  use  a  gun,  and  all  looked  like  poor  people 
going  to  prayers.  There  were  troops  everywhere, 
and  every  soldier  acted  as  though  he  was  afraid 
something  would  happen  to  spoil  their  chance  of 
killing  anybody.  The  snow  on  the  .streets  was 
clean  and  as  white  as  the  wings  of  a  peace  dove, 
and  dad  said  the  show  was  no  better  than  a 
parade  of  laboring  men  at  home  on  Labor  day. 

Suddenly  some  officer  yelled  to  the  parade  to 
stop,  and  the  priest  at  the  head  of  the  procession, 
who  was  carrying  a  cross,  slowed  up  a  little,  like 

253 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

the  drum  major  of  a  band  when  the  populace  at 
home  begins  to  throw  eggs,  but  they  kept  on,  and 
then  the  shooting  began,  and  in  a  minute  men, 
women  and  children  were  rolling  in  the  snow, 
bleeding  and  dying,  the  marchers  were  too 
stunned  to  run,  and  the  deadly  guns  kept  on  spit 
ting  fire,  and  the  street  was  full  of  dead  and 
dying,  and  then  the  Cossacks  rode  over  the  dead 
and  sabered  and  knouted  the  living,  and  as  the 
snow  was  patched  with  red  blood,  dad  fainted 
away  and  fell  off  the  picket  fence,  and  hung  by 
one  pant  leg,  which  caught  on  a  picket,  and 
crowds  rushed  in  every  direction,  and  it  was  an 
hour  before  I  could  get  a  drosky  to  haul  dad  to 
the  hotel. 

Dad  collapsed  when  he  got  to  the  hotel,  and  I 
got  a  doctor  and  a  nurse,  and  for  two  days  I  had 
to  watch  the  revolution  alone,  while  dad  had  fits 
of  remorse  'cause  he  brought  me  to  such  a  charnel 
house,  he  said. 

Well,  if  you  ever  go  anywhere,  traveling  for 
pleasure,  do  not  go  to  Russia,  because  it  is  the 
saddest  place  on  earth.  I  have  seen  no  person 
smile  or  laugh  in  all  the  ten  days  we  have  been 
here,  except  a  Cossack  when  he  run  a  saber 
through  a  little  girl,  and  his  laugh  was  like  the 
coyote  on  the  prairie  when  he  captures  a  little 

254 


And  hung  by  one  Pants  leg. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

lamb.  The  people  look  either  heart-broken  or 
snarly,  like  the  people  confined  in  an  insane 
asylum  at  home. 

The  czar,  who  a  week  ago  was  loved  by  the 
people,  who  believed  if  they  went  to  him,  as  to 
their  God,  and  appealed  for  guidance,  is  to-day 
hated  by  all,  and  instead  of  "  Nicholas  the  Good," 
since  he  scampered  away  to  a  castle  in  the  coun 
try,  and  crawled  under  a  bed,  all  the  people  call 
him  "the  Little  Jack  Rabbit,"  and  his  fate  is 
sealed,  as  a  bomb  will  blow  him  into  pieces  so 
small  they  will  have  to  be  swept  up  in  a  dustpan 
for  burial,  maybe  before  dad  and  I  can  get  out  of 
Russia. 

Going  to  St.  Petersburg  for  a  pleasant  outing 
is  a  good  deal  like  visiting  the  Chicago  stockyards 
to  watch  the  bloody  men  kill  the  cattle,  and  the 
butchers  in  the  stockyards,  calloused  against  any 
feeling  for  suffering  animals,  are  like  the  sol 
diers  here  who  shoot  down  their  neighbors  be 
cause  they  are  hired  to  do  so.  The  murder  of 
those  unarmed  working  men,  that  Sunday,  has 
changed  a  helpless,  pleading  people  into  anar 
chists  with  deadly  bombs  in  their  blouses,  where 
they  were  accustomed  to  carry  black  bread  to  sus 
tain  life,  and  with  the  menace  of  Japan  in  the 
far  east  and  an  outraged  people  at  home,  Russia 

256 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

is  in  a  bad  way,  and  if  I  was  the  czar  or  a  grand 
duke,  I  would  find  a  woodchuck  hole  and  arrange 
with  the  woodchuck  for  a  furnished  flat. 

I  didn't  think  there  was  going  to  be  anything 
going  on  in  Russia  except  bloodshed  and  bombs, 
and  things  to  make  you  sorry  that  you  were  here, 


Dad  stood  up  in  the  sledge  and  looked  back. 

and  I  was  willing  to  take  chloroform  and  let  them 
carry  me  home  in  a  box,  with  my  description  on 
the  cover,  until  the  doctor  told  me  that  dad  was 
in  a  condition  of  nervousness,  that  he  needed 
something  to  happen  to  get  his  mind  off  of  the 
awful  scenes  he  had  witnessed,  and  asked  me  if 
I  couldn't  think  of  something  to  excite  him  and 

'     •  257 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

wake  him  up,  and  then  dad  said,  after  he  got  so 
he  could  go  out  doors :  "  Hennery,  you  have  al 
ways  been  Johnny  on  the  spot  when  I  needed  di 
version,  and  I  want  you  to  take  your  brain  apart, 
and  oil  the  works,  and  see  if  you  can't  conjure 
up  something  to  get  my  blood  circulating  and  my 
pores  open  for  business,  and  anything  you  think 
of  goes,  and  I  swear  I  will  not  kick  if  you  scare 
the  boots  off  of  me." 

Well,  that  was  right  into  my  hand,  and  I  set 
my  mind  to  strike  at  four  p.  m.  I  had  been  out 
riding  once  with  the  Chicago  man,  in  a  sledge, 
with  three  horses  abreast,  all  runaway  horses, 
and  the  driver  was  a  Cossack  who  lashed  the 
horses  into  a  run  every  smooth  place  he  found 
in  the  road,  and  it  was  like  running  to  a  fire,  so 
I  got  the  Chicago  fellow  to  go  with  me  and  we 
found  the  Cossack,  and  he  was  drunker  than 
usual.  There  is  a  kind  of  liquor  here  called  vodka, 
which  skins  wood  alcohol  and  carbolic  acid  to  a 
finish,  and  when  a  man  is  full  of  it  he  is  so  mad 
he  wants  to  cut  his  own  throat.  This  driver  had 
put  up  sideboards  on  his  neck  and  had  two  jags 
in  one,  and  we  hired  him  by  the  hour. 

I  told  the  Chicago  man  the  circumstances  and 
that  I  had  got  to  get  dad  out  of  his  trance,  and 
he  said  he  would  help  me.  When  I  was  out  rid- 

258 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ing  the  day  before  I  noticed  that  the  road  was 
full  of  great  dane  dogs,  wolf  hounds  and  stag 
hounds,  which  followed  their  master's  sledges 
out  in  the  country,  and  the  dogs  loafed  around, 
hungry,  looking  for  bones,  and  fighting  each 
other,  so  I  decided  to  get  the  dogs  to  chase  our 


And  piled  us  out  on  top  of  Dad. 

sledge  and  make  dad  think  we  were  chased  by 
wolves.  I  thought  that  would  make  dad  stand 
without  hitching,  and  it  did. 

The  Chicago  man  bought  some  cannon  fire 
crackers,  and  I  bought  a  cow's  liver,  and  hitched 
it  to  a  rope,  and  hid  it  in  the  back  seat,  and  my 
Chicago  friend  and  I  took  the  back  seat,  and  we 

259 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

got  dad  in  the  seat  behind  the  driver,  and  started 
about  an  hour  before  dark  out  in  the  country, 
through  a  piece  of  woods  that  looked  quite  wolfy. 
On  the  way  out  the  driver  let  his  horses  run  away 
a  few  times,  like  you  have  seen  in  Russian  pic 
tures,  and  dad  was  beginning  to  sit  up  and  take 
notice,  and  seemed  to  act  like  a  man  who  expects 
every  minute  to  be  thrown  over  a  precipice  and 
mixed  up  with  dead  horses.  Dad  touched  the 
driver  once  on  the  coat-tail  and  told  him  not  to 
hurry  so  confounded  fast,  and  the  driver  thought 
he  was  complaining  because  it  was  too  slow,  and 
he  gave  a  Comanche  yell  and  threw  the  lines  into 
the  air,  and  the  horses  just  skedaddled,  and  run 
into  a  snow  bank  and  tipped  over  the  sledge,  and 
piled  us  out  on  top  of  dad,  but  dad  only  said: 
"  This  is  getting  good/' 

We  righted  up,  and  dad  wanted  to  know  where 
all  the  pups  came  from  that  we  had  passed.  I 
had  been  throwing  out  pieces  of  meat  into  the 
road  for  a  mile  or  so,  and  the  dogs  were  having 
a  picnic.  It  was  getting  pretty  dark  by  this  time, 
and  we  started  back  to  town,  and  I  threw  out  my 
liver,  fastened  to  the  rope,  and  the  Chicago  man, 
who  had  given  the  driver  a  drink  of  vodka  when 
we  tipped  over,  told  him,  in  Russian,  that  when 
the  dogs  began  to  follow  us,  to  get  hold  of  the 

260 


"My  God,  we  are  pursued  by  a  pack  of  ravenous  wolves,  and 
there  is  no  hope  for  us!" 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

liver,  to  yell  "  wolves,"  and  give  the  team  the 
rein,  for  a  five-mile  run,  and  yell  all  the  time, 
because  we  wanted  to  give  the  old  gentleman  a 
good  time. 

Well,  uncle,  I  would  have  given  anything  if 
you  could  have  seen  dad,  when  the  dogs  began 
to  chase  that  liver,  and  bark  and  fight  each  other. 
The  driver  yelled  something  in  Russian,  and 
pointed  back  with  his  whip,  the  Chicago  man 
said :  "  My  God,  we  are  pursued  by  a  pack  of 
ravenous  wolves,  and  there  is  no  hope  for  us," 
and  I  began  to  cry,  and  implored  dad,  if  he  loved 
me,  to  save  me.  Dad  stood  up  in  the  sledge  and 
looked  back,  and  saw  the  wolves,  and  he  was 
scared,  but  he  said  the  only  thing  to  do  was  to 
throw  something  overboard  for  them  to  be  chew 
ing  on  while  we  got  away,  but  he  sat  down  and 
pulled  a  robe  over  his  head  and  his  lips  were 
moving,  but  I  do  not  know  whom  he  was  address 
ing. 

The  Chicago  man  touched  off  a  couple  of  can 
non  firecrackers  behind  the  sledge,  but  that  only 
kept  the  dogs  back  for  a  minute,  and  dad  said 
probably  the  best  thing  to  do  was  to  throw  me 
overboard  and  let  them  eat  me,  and  I  said :  "  Nay, 
nay,  Pauline,"  and  then  I  think  dad  fainted  away, 
far  he  never  peeped  again  until  the  team  had  run 

262 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

away  a  lot  more,  and  I  cut  my  liver  rope,  and 
when  we  got  into  the  suburbs  of  St.  Petersburg 
the  dogs  had  overtaken  the  liver,  and  were  fight 
ing  over  it. 

The  driver  had  to  pull  up  his  horses  as  we 
struck  the  town,  and  dad  must  have  got  a  whiff 
of  the  driver's  vodka,  because  he  come  to,  and 
we  got  to  the  hotel  all  right,  and  I  thought  dad 
would  simply  die  in  his  tracks,  but  the  ride  and 
the  excitement  did  him  good,  and  he  wanted  to 
buy  a  gun  and  go  out  wolf  hunting  the  next  day, 
but  our  tickets  were'  bought  and  we  shall  get  out 
of  this  terrible  country  to-morrow. 

Dad  woke  me,  up  in  the  night  and  wanted  to 
know  if  I  saw  him  when  he  pulled  his  knife  and 
wanted  to  get  out  and  fight  the  pack  of  wolves 
single-handed.  I  am  not  much  of  a  liar,  but  I 
told  him  I  remembered  it  well,  and  it  demon 
strated  to  me  that  he  was  as  brave  a  man  as  the 
czar,  "  the  Little  Jack  Rabbit/'  as  his  people  call 
him. 

Well,  thanks  to  my  wolf  hunt,  dad  is  all  right 
again,  and  now  we  shall  go  to  fome  country 
where  there  is  peace.  I  don't  know  where  we 
will  find  it,  but  if  such  a  country  exists,  your  lit 
tle  Henry  will  catch  on,  if  dad's  money  holds  ont. 

Yours,  covered  with  Gore.  HENNERY. 

263 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

Dad  Wears  His  Masonic  Fez  in  Constantinople — They 

Find  the  Turks  Sensitive  on  the  Dog  Question — 

A  College  Yell  for  the  Sultan  Sends  Him 

Into  a  Fit. 

Constantinople,  Turkey. — My  Dear  Old 
"  Shriner" — We  got  out  of  Russia  just  in  time 
to  keep  from  being  arrested  or  blown  up  with  a 
bomb.  Dad  wanted  to  go  to  Moscow,  because  he 
saw  a  picture  once  of  Moscow  being  destroyed 
by  fire  by  Napoleon,  or  somebody,  and  he  wanted 
to  see  if  they  had  ever  built  the  town  up  again, 
but  I  felt  as  though  something  serious  was  going 
to  happen  in  that  country  if  we  didn't  look  out, 
and  so  I  persuaded  dad  to  go  to  Turkey,  and  tte 
day  we  started  for  Constantinople  we  got  the 
news  that  the  Nihilists  had  thrown  a  bomb  under 
the  carriage  of  the  Grand  Duke  Sergius  and 
blew  him  and  the  carriage  into  small  pieces  not 
bigger  than  a  slice  of  summer  sausage,  and  they 
had  to  sweep  his  remains  up  in  a  dustpan  and 
bury  them  in  a  two-quart  fruit  jar.  Wouldn't 
that  jar  you? 

264 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

When  dad  heard  about  that  you  couldn't  have 
kept  him  in  Russia  on  a  bet,  and  so  we  let  the 
authorities  have  all  the  money  we  had,  giving 
some  to  each  man  who  held  us  up,  until  we  got 
out  of  the  country,  and  then  we  took  the  first  long 
breath  we  had  taken  since  we  struck  the  God 
forsaken  country  of  the  czar.  If  the  bombs  hold 
out  I  do  not  think  there  will  be  a  quorum  left 
in  Russia  in  a  year,  either  czars,  dukes  or  any 
thing  except  peasants  on  the  verge  of  starvation 
and  workingmen  who  have  not  the  heart  to  work. 
I  wouldn't  take  the  whole  of  Russia  as  a  gift, 
and  have  to  dodge  bombs  night  and  day. 

Say,  old  man,  you  never  dreamed  that  I  knew 
all  about  you  and  dad  joining  the  Masons  that 
time,  but  I  watched  you  and  dad  giving  each 
other  signs  and  grips,  and  whispering  passwords 
into  each  other's  ears,  in  the  grocery,  nights, 
after  you  had  locked  up.  I  thought,  at  the  time, 
that  you  and  dad  were  planning  a  burglary,  but 
when  you  both  went  to  the  lodge  one  night  and 
stayed  till  near  morning,  and  dad  came  home 
with  a  red  Turkish  fez  and  told  ma  that  you  and 
he  had  joined  the  shrine,  which  was  the  highest 
degree  in  Masonry,  and  you  and  he  were  nobles, 
and  all  that  rot,  I  was  on  to  you  bigger  than  a 
house,  and  you  couldn't  fool  me  when  you  and 

265 


When  Dad  put  his  hand  on  her  shoulder. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

dad  winked  at  each  other  and  talked  about  cross 
ing  the  hot  sands  of  the  desert. 

Well,  dad  brought  his  red  fez  along,  'cause  I 
think  he  expected  he  would  meet  shriners  all  over 
the  world,  that  he  could  borrow  money  of.  When 
we  struck  Constantinople  and  dad  saw  that  every 
last  one  of  the  Turks  wore  a  red  fez,  he  felt  as 
though  he  had  got  among  shriners,  and  he  got 
his  fez  out  of  his  trunk  and  he  wears  it  all  the 
time. 

Dad  acts  as  familiar  with  the  Turks  here  as 
though  he  owned  a  harem.  We  go  to  the  low 
streets,  about  as  wide  as  a  street  car,  where 
Turks  are  selling  things,  with  dad  wearing  his 
fez,  and  he  begins  to  make  motions  and  give 
grand  hailing  signs  of  distress,  and  the  Turks 
look  at  him  as  though  he  had  robbed  a  bank,  and 
they  charge  enormous  prices  for  everything,  and 
dad  pays  with  a  smile,  thinking  his  brother  Ma 
sons  are  fairly  giving  things  away.  He  looks 
upon  all  men  who  wear  the  fez  as  his  brothers, 
and  they  look  at  him  as  though  he  was  crazy  in 
the  head. 

The  only  trouble  is  that  dad  insists  on  talking 
to  the  women  here  without  an  introduction,  and 
a  woman  in  Turkey  had  rather  die  than  have  a 
Christian  dog  look  at  her.  Dad  was  buying  some 

267 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

wormy  figs  of  a  merchant,  who  was  seated  on 
the  floor  of  his  shop,  and  giving  him  signs,  when 
a  curtain  behind  the  Turk  was  pulled  one  side 
and  a  woman  with  beautiful  eyes  and  her  face 
covered  with  a  veil,  came  out  with  a  cup  of  coffee 
for  the  Turk.  Dad  shook  hands  with  her,  and 
said :  "  Your  husband  and  I  belong  to  the  same 
lodge,"  and  he  was  going  to  go  inside  and  visit 
the  family,  when  the  woman  drew  a  small  dag 
ger  out  of  the  folds  of  her  dress,  and  the  Turk 
drew  one  of  these  scimeters,  and  it  looked  for  a 
moment  as  though  I  was  going  to  be  a  half  or 
phan,  particularly  when  dad  put  his  hand  on  her 
shoulder  and  petted  it,  and  smiled  one  of  those 
masher  smiles  which  he  uses  at  home,  and  said: 
"  My  good  woman,  you  must  not  get  in  the  habit 
of  jabbing  your  husband's  friends  with  this 
crooked  cutlery,  though  to  be  killed  by  so  hand 
some  a  woman  would  indeed  be  a  sweet  death," 
but  the  bluff  did  not  go,  and  the  woman  disap 
peared  behind  the  curtain,  and  dad  had  the  fran 
tic  husband  to  deal  with. 

I  have  never  seen  a  human  being  look  as  mur 
derous  as  that  Turk  did  as  he  drew  his  thumb 
across  the  blade  of  his  knife,  drew  up  his  lip  and 
snarled  like  a  dog  that  has  been  bereaved  of  a 
promising  bone  by  a  brother  dog  that  was  larger. 

268 


"  U-Rah-Rah-Wis-Con-Sin-Zip-boom-Ah,  There'll   be  a   hot  time 
in  the  old  town  tonight." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

The  Turk  looked  through  his  teeth,  and  his  eyes 
seemed  to  act  like  small  arc  lights,  that  were  to 
show  him  where  to  cut  dad,  and  dad  began  to 
turn  pale,  and  looked  scared. 

"  Give  him  the  grand  hailing  sign  of  distress," 
said  I  as  dad  leaned  against  a  barrel  of  dried 
prunes.  Dad  said  he  had  forgotten  the  sign,  and 
then  I  told  him  the  only  way  out  of  it,  alive, 
would  be  to  buy  something,  so  dad  picked  up  a 
little  jim-crack  worth  about  ten  cents,  and  gave 
the  Turk  a  five-dollar  gold  piece,  and  while  the 
Turk  went  in  behind  the  curtain  to  get  the  change 
I  told  dad  now  was  the  time  to  skip,  and  you 
ought  to  have  seen  dad  make  a  sprint  out  the 
door  and  around  a  corner,  and  up  another  street, 
while  I  followed  him,  and  we  got  away  from  the 
danger  of  being  stabbed,  but  dad  got  his  foot 
into  it  again  before  we  had  gone  a  block. 

Nobody  in  Constantinople  ever  hurries,  or 
goes  off  a  walk,  so  when  the  people  saw  an  old 
man,  with  a  fez  on  his  head,  running  amuck,  as 
they  say  here,  followed  by  a  beautiful  boy,  they 
began  to  crawl  into  their  holes,  thinking  dad  was 
crazy,  but  when  we  were  passing  a  sausage  store, 
where  about  20  dogs  were  asleep  in  the  street, 
and  dad  kicked  half  a  dozen  dogs  and  yelled,  "  get 
out,  you  hounds,"  that  settled  it,  and  they  knew 

269 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

he  was  wrong  in  the  head,  and  they  yelled  for  the 
police,  and  we  were  pulled  for  fast  driving,  and 
taken  before  a  Turkish  justice  of  the  peace,  fol 
lowed  by  the  whole  crowd. 

The  justice  did  not  wear  a  fez,  but  had  on  a 


"Get   out,  you  hounds" 

turban,  so  dad  did  not  give  him  any  signs,  but 
after  jabbering  a  while  they  sent  for  an  inter 
preter,  who  could  talk  pigeon  English,  and  then 
dad  had  a  trial,  and  I  acted  as  his  lawyer.  I  told 
about  how  dad  had  tried  to  be  kind  and  genial 

270 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

to  another  man's  wife,  and  how,  in  his  hurry  to 
get  away  from  the  murderous  husband  he  fell 
over  a  mess  of  dogs,  and  that  he  was  a  distin 
guished  American,  who  was  in  Turkey  to  nego 
tiate  a  loan  to  the  sultan. 

Say,  that  fixed  them,  and  they  all  made  salams 
to  dad,  and  bowed  all  over  themselves,  and  the 
justice  of  the  peace  prayed  to  Allah,  and  the  in 
terpreter  said  we  could  go,  but  to  be  careful  about 
touching  a  Turkish  woman  or  a  dog,  particu 
larly  a  dog,  as  the  Turks  were  very  sensitive  on 
the  dog  question.  So  we  went  out  of  the  court 
room  and  wandered  around  the  town,  and  you 
can  bet  that  dad  didn't  look  at  any  more  women, 
though  they  were  everywhere  with  veils  that  cov 
ered  their  faces  so  nothing  but  their  eyes  could 
be  seen. 

Gee,  but  you  never  saw  such  eyes  as  these 
Turkish  women  have.  They  are  big  and  black, 
and  they  go  right  through  you,  and  clinch  on  the 
other  side.  Dad  says  the  facilities  for  getting 
into  trouble  are  better  in  Constantinople  than 
any  place  we  have  been,  as  the  men  look  like 
bardits  and  the  women  look  like  executioners. 
Dad  thanked  me  for  helping  him  out  of  that 
scrape  by  claiming  he  was  the  agent  of  a  financial 
syndicate  that  wanted  to  lend  money  to  the  sul- 

271 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

tan.  If  I  had  said  dad  was  a  collecting  agency, 
to  make  the  sultan  pay  up,  they  would  have  sen 
tenced  him  to  be  boiled  in  oil. 

Well,  we  thought  we  had  been  in  trouble  be 
fore,  but  we  are  in  it  now  worse  than  ever.  We 
heard  at  the  hotel  that  at  1 1  o'clock  in  the  morn 
ing  the  sultan  would  pass  by  in  a  carriage,  with 
an  escort,  on  the  way  to  a  mosque,  to  pray  to 
Allah,  and  everybody  could  see  the  sultan,  so 
we  got  a  place  on  a  balcony,  and  at  the  appointed 
time  the  procession  came  in  sight.  It  was  impos 
ing,  but  solemn,  and  the  people  on  both  sides  of 
the  street  acted  like  they  do  in  America  when 
the  funeral  of  a  great  man  is  passing.  No  man 
spoke,  and  all  looked  as  though  they  expected,  if 
they  moved,  to  be  arrested  and  have  a  stone  tied 
to  their  feet  and  thrown  into  the  Bosphorus,  the 
way  they  kill  one  of  the  sultan's  wives  when  she 
flirts  with  a  stranger. 

We  watched  the  soldiers,  and  finally  the  car 
riage  of  the  sultan  came,  and  in  it  was  a  dried 
up  man,  with  liver  complaint,  with  a  nose  like 
an  eagle,  and  eyes  like  shoe  buttons.  He  looked 
as  though  death  would  be  a  relief,  and  yet  he 
seemed  afraid  of  it,  and  there  was  no  sound  of 
welcome,  such  as  there  would  be  if  Roosevelt  was 

272 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

riding  down  Michigan  avenue  at  Chicago,  on  the 
way  to  the  stockyards  to  pray  to  Armour,  in 
stead  of  to  Allah. 

You  could  have  heard  a  pin  drop.     I  said: 
"  Dad,  this  is  too  solemn,  even  for  a  sultan.  Let's 


Another  Turk  took  me  by  the  ear  and  stretched  it  out. 

give  him  the  university  yell,  and  show  that 
mummy  that  he  has  got  two  friends  in  Constan 
tinople,  anyway."  "  Here  she  goes,"  says  da<}, 
and  we  leaned  over  the  railing,  just  as  the  sul 
tan's  carriage  was  right  in  front  of  us  and  not 
ten  feet  away,  and  in  that  oppressive  silence  dad 
and  I  opened  up,  "  U-Rah-Rah-Wis-Con-Sin,  zip- 

273 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

boom- Ah ! "  and  then  we  started  to  sing, 
"  There'll  Be  a  Hot  Time  in  the  Old  Town  To- 
Night." 

Well,  if  any  man  in  the  crowd  had  touched  off 
a  bomb,  there  could  have  been  no  greater  con 
sternation.  The  sultan  turned  pale,  as  pale  as 
so  yellow  a  man  could,  and  became  faint,  and  fell 
over  into  the  arms  of  a  general  who  sat  beside 
him,  the  Bazi  Bazouks  on  horseback  began  to 
ride  up  and  down  the  street,  the  crowd  scattered, 
the  sultan's  carriage  was  turned  around  and 
rushed  back  to  the  palace,  with  the  ruler  of  Tur 
key  having  a  fit,  and  about  a  hundred  soldiers 
came  up  on  the  veranda,  where  dad  and  I  had 
broke  up  the  procession,  and  they  lit  'on  dad  like 
buzzards  on  a  dead  horse,  and  took  possession 
of  the  hotel,  and  began  to  search  our  baggage. 

One  Turk  choked  dad  until  his  tongue  hung 
out  of  his  mouth,  and  another  took  me  by  the 
ear  and  stretched  it  out  so  it  was  long  as  a  mule's 
ear,  and  they  took  us  to  a  bastile  and  dad  says 
it  is  all  up  with  us  now,  because  they  will  drown 
us  like  a  mess  of  kittens  in  a  bag,  and  all  because 
we  woke  them  up  with  a  football  yell  in  the  wrong 
place. 

Well,  we  might  as  well  wind  up  our  career  here 

274 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

as  anywhere.    Good-by,  old  man.    You  will  see 
our  obituary  in  the  papers. 

Your  repentant 

HENNERY. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Meet  the  Cream  of  the 

Harem — "Little  Egypt"  Does  a  Dancing  Stunt — 

The  Sultan  Wants  to  Send  Fifty  Wives  to 

the  President. 

Constantinople,  Turkey. — My  Dear  Grocer- 
pasha:  When  I  wrote  you  last  I  thought  you 
would  be  in  mourning  for  dad  and  I  before  this, 
as  there  seemed  nothing  for  the  Turks  to  do  but 
to  kill  us  after  we  had  stampeded  the  sultan  and 
all  his  soldiers  by  giving  them  a  university  yell, 
but  after  we  had  been  confined  in  a  sort  of  jail 
over  night,  dad  and  I  had  a  heart  to  heart  talk, 
and  my  diplomacy  saved  us  for  the  time  being.  I 
told  dad  that  what  we  wanted  to  do  was  to  tell 
the  Turks  that  dad  represented  the  American  peo 
ple,  and  had  a  communication  to  make  to  the  sul 
tan  personally,  which  would  make  him  rich  and 
happy. 

Well,  say,  they  bit  like  a  bass,  and  the  next 
day  they  took  us  before  the  sultan  at  the  palace. 
Dad  dug  up  a  package  of  blank  gold  mining 
stock  in  a  mine  that  he  was  going  to  promote, 
though  the  mine  was  only  a  small  hole  in  the 

276 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ground,  and  the  stock  had  been  offered  for  one 
cent  a  share,  the  par  value  being  a  hundred  dol 
lars,  so  a  man  who  got  a  share  for  a  cent  would, 
when  the  mine  got  to  paying,  get  a  hundred  dol 
lars  for  every  cent  he  invested. 


The  President  said  he  must  bring  his  folks. 

Dad  filled  out  one  of  the  stock  certificates  for 
1,000,000  shares,  which  would  represent  a  capital 
equal  to  all  the  debts  of  Turkey,  and  we  went  be 
fore  the  sultan,  and  we  couldn't  have  been  treated 
better  if  we  had  owned  a  brewery.  Dad  told  his 
story  to  the  sultan  through  an  interpreter,  while 

277 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

I  looked  around  at  the  gorgeous  surroundings 
and  tried  to  think  of  something  to  do  to  wake 
them  up. 

Dad  said  he  came  right  fresh  from  the  Ameri 
can  people,  and  was  authorized  by  his  mining 
company  to  present  the  sultan  with  untold  mil 
lions,  for  pure  love  of  the  Turkish  people,  whom 
they  had  seen  riding  and  leading  camels  at  the 
Chicago  world's  fair,  and  dad  produced  the  stock 
certificate  for  1,000,000  shares  of  stock  in  the 
Golden  Horn  Gold  Mining  and  Smelting  com 
pany,  and  took  out  a  handful  of  $20  gold  pieces 
and  showed  them  to  the  crowd  as  specimens  of 
gold  that  came  from  our  mine. 

He  said  our  people  did  not  expect  anything  in 
return,  but  just  desired  the  good  will  of  the  Turk 
ish  empire.  He  said  that  President  Roosevelt  de 
sired  him  to  present  his  warmest  regards  to  the 
sultan,  and  to  invite  him  to  visit  America,  and  if 
he  would  consent  to  do  so,  an  American  war  ves 
sel  would  be  furnished  for  him  and  the  white 
house  would  be  turned  over  to  him  for  his  harem, 
and  dad  said  the  president  wanted  him  particu 
larly  to  impress  upon  the  sultan  that  if  he  came 
he  must  bring  his  folks,  all  his  wives  that  would 
be  apt  to  size  up  for  beauty  with  our  American 
women. 

278 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

Well,  you  ought  to  have  seen  that  sickly  look 
ing  sultan  brace  up  when  dad  handed  him  the 
millions  of  mining  stock,  and  he  grabbed  the 
paper  like  an  old  clothes  buyer  would  grab  a 
dress  suit  that  a  wife  had  sold  for  60  cents,  be 
longing  to  her  husband.  He  also  wanted  to  see 
the  gold  that  dad  had  shown  as  coming  from  the 
mine,  and  when  dad  showed  him  the  yellow  boys 
he  took  them  as  souvenirs  and  put  them  in  his 
girdle,  and  then  I  thought  dad  would  faint,  but 
he  kept  his  nerve  like  a  poker  player  betting  on 
a  bobtail  flush. 

The  sultan  asked  so  many  questions  about 
America  that  I  was  afraid  dad  would  get  all 
balled  up,  but  he  kept  his  nerve,  and  lied  as  though 
he  was  on  the  witness  stand  trying  to  save  his 
life.  Dad  told  the  sultan  he  was  authorized  by 
the  American  people  to  inquire  into  the  indus 
tries  of  Turkey,  and  what  he  particularly  desired 
was  an  insight  into  the  harems,  as  a  national 
institution,  because  many  American  people  were 
gradually  adopting  the  customs  of  the  orient,  and 
.  he  desired  to  report  to  congress  as  to  whether 
we  should  adopt  the  customs  of  Turkey  with  her 
dried  prunes  and  dates  with  worms  in,  and  her 
attar  of  roses  made  of  pig's  lard;  her  fez,  to  cure 

279 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

baldness,  and  her  outlandish  pants  and  peaked 
red  Morocco  shoes,  and  her  harems. 

The  sultan  said  he  would  like  to  show  us  a  little 
bunch  of  the  cream  of  the  harem,  who  would  do 
a  stunt  in  the  way  of  dancing,  to  celebrate  the 
good  feeling  of  the  American  people,  and  the 
visit  of  the  distinguished  statesman  and  gold 
miner  to  his  realm,  and  dad  said  the  sultan 
couldn't  turn  his  stomach  with  no  cream  of  the 
harem,  only  they  must  keep  their  hands  off  him, 
and  the  sultan  promised  he  should  be  as  safe  as  a 
"  unique,"  whatever  that  is. 

Dad  and  I  had  hired  knee  breeches  and  things 
of  a  masquerade  ball  store,  and  we  didn't  look 
half  bad  when  the  crowd  of  shieks  and  things 
formed  a  crescent  around  the  sultan,  who  sat  in 
a  sort  of  barber's  chair  with  an  awning  over  it, 
and  they  sounded  a  hewgag  or  something,  and 
about  a  dozen  pretty  fine  looking  females,  dressed 
like  the  ballet  in  a  vaudeville  show,  came  in  and 
began  to  dance  before  the  sultan. 

Dad  stood  it  first  rate  until  a  girl  got  on  the 
carpet  barefooted  and  began  one  of  those  willowy 
sort  of  dances  that  nearly  broke  up  the  Chicago 
fair,  when  people  left  the  buildings  filled  with 
the  work  of  the  world's  artists,  in  all  lines  of 
progress,  and  went  to  the  Midway  in  a  body  to 

280 


He  was  just  getting  warmed  up  to  "balance  to  partners'' 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

see  "  Little  Egypt,"  but  when  this  dancer  waltzed 
up  to  dad  and  wiggled  in  a  foreign  language,  dad 
sashayed  up  to  her  and  I  couldn't  hold  him  back. 

He  was  just  getting  warmed  up  to  "  balance 
to  partners,"  when  a  frown  came  over  the  sui- 
tan's  face  and  he  looked  cross  at  dad,  and  then 
the  hewgag  sounded,  and  the  girls  scattered  out 
of  a  side  door  and  dad  wanted  to  follow,  but  I 
held  him  by  the  coat,  and  it  was  over.  I  think 
those  girls  were  the  only  ones  in  the  whole  harem 
that  were  good  looking. 

Dad  breathed  hard  a  little  from  his  exercise, 
and  said  he  was  ready  to  inspect  the  stock,  and 
the  sultan  detailed  a  tall  negro,  with  a  face  dried 
up  like  a  mummy,  and  we  started  out  through 
the  harem,  dad  pulling  the  long  hair  on  the  side 
of  his  head  over  his  bald  spot,  and  throwing  his 
shoulders  back  and  drawing  in  his  stomach  to 
make  him  look  young. 

Well,  say,  there  is  nothing  about  a  harem, 
much  different  from  keeping  house  at  home,  ex 
cept  that  there  is  more  of  it.  The  idea  people 
get  of  harems  is  that  the  women  are  all  young 
and  beautiful,  and  that  they  sit  around  a  swim 
ming  tank  and  play  guitars  and  keep  the  flies  off 
the  man  who  owns  the  place,  while  he  smokes 
the  vile  Turkish  tobacco  burning  in  a  jardiniere, 

282 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

through  a  section  of  rubber  hose,  and  goes  to 
sleep  like  a  Chinaman  smoking  opium,  and  that 
they  drink  rare  wines  and  dance  with  bangles  on 
their  legs  and  ropes  of  pearls  on  their  necks  and 
arms. 

I  have  seen  alleged  imitations  of  a  Turkish 
harem  on  the  stage,  with  American  girls  doing 
the  acting,  and  it  would  make  you  feel  as  though 
you  would  invest  in  a  harem  when  you  got  old 
enough,  but,  gee,  when  you  see  a  regular  harem, 
run  by  an  up-to-date  Turk,  you  think  of  the  Mor 
mon  apostle  who  has  40  wives  of  all  ages,  from 
70  down  to  a  1 6-year-old  hired  girl,  with  a  hair- 
lip  and  warts  on  her  thumbs.  This  harem  was 
like  a  big  stock  barn  in  the  states,  with  a  big 
room  to  exercise  the  colts,  and  box  stalls  for  the 
different  wives  and  their  families  to  live  in  and 
do  their  own  cooking  and  washing. 

Instead  of  sitting  by  a  bath  playing  a  harp, 
the  poor  old  wives  stand  by  a  washtub  and  play 
tunes  on  the  washboard,  and  scrub,  and  take  care 
of  children.  I  thought  the  custom  of  spanking 
children  was  an  American  institution,  but  it  is 
as  old  as  the  ages,  for  I  saw  a  Turkish  mother 
grab  up  a  child  that  had  lifted  a  kitten  by  the 
tail,  and  take  it  across  her  knee  and  give  it  a  few 
with  a  red  hand  covered  with  soapsuds,  and  the 

283 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

young  Turk  yelled  bloody  murder,  just  like  an 
American  kid,  and  then  sat  down  on  its  knees,  -so 
the  spanking  wouldn't  hurt,  and  called  its  mother 
names  in  a  language  I  couldn't  understand,  but 
I  knew  what  the  child  said,  by  instinct.  Dad 
started  to  interfere,  because  he  is  a  member  of 
the  humane  society,  but  the  unique  that  was  show 
ing  us  around  saved  dad's  life  by  pushing  him 
along,  before  the  woman  got  a  chance  to  brain 
him  with  the  washboard. 

The  women  mostly  had  on  these  baggy  Turk 
ish  trousers,  like  the  Zouaves  \vear,  and  a  jacket, 
and  a  cloth  around  their  heads,  and  they  acted 
as  though  if  the  next  meal  came  along  all  right 
they  would  be  in  luck.  We  saw  a  few  women 
pretty  white,  and  they  were  Circassian  slaves, 
with  big  eyes  and  hoops  in  their  ears,  and  a  little 
different  clothes  on,  but  there  \vere  none  that  dad 
would  buy  at  an  auction,  or  at  a  bargain  sale,  if 
they  were  marked  down  to  99  cents. 

We  passed  one  woman  running  an  American 
sewing  machine,  and  dad  said  he'd  bet  she  was 
an  American,  and  he  went  up  to  her  and  said: 
"  Hello,  sis !  "  She  stopped  the  machine,  looked 
up  at  dad  with  a  sort  of  Bowery  expression,  and 
said :  "  Gwan,  Chauncey  Depew,  you  old  peach, 
or  I'll  have  you  pinched,"  and  the  unique  took 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

v 

dad  by  the  arm  and  pulled  him  along  real  spry, 
but  he  hung  back  and  looked  over  his  shoulder 
at  the  woman,  but  she  went  on  sewing,  and  dad 
said  to  me :  "  Well,  wouldn't  that  frost  you  ?  " 
And  we  went  on  making  the  inspection. 

I  don't  think  I  ever  saw  so  many  children,  out 
side  of  an  orphan  asylum,  all  about  the  same  size 
and  all  looking  exactly  alike.  They  all  had  the 
same  beady  black  eyes  that  look  as  though  they 
were  afraid  of  getting  caught  in  a  trap,  like 
muskrats,  and  their  noses  had  the  same  inquiring 
appearance,  as  though  the  owner  was  speculating 
as  to  how  much  money  the  visitors  had  in  their 
pockets,  and  whether  it  was  fastened  in.  Race 
suicide  is  impossible  in  Turkey,  but  a  race  of 
bandits  is  growing  up  that  will  let  no  foreigners 
with  a  pocketbook  escape. 

It  took  us  an  hour  to  go  through  the  harem, 
and  it  was  more  like  going  through  the  quarters 
of  the  working  women  of  a  home  laundry  in  the 
tenement  district  of  a  large  city,  than  a  comic 
opera,  as  we  had  been  led  to  expect  by  what  we 
had  read  of  harems.  When  we  went  into  the 
harem  I  think  dad  was  going  to  insist  on  having 
the  women  dance  for  him,  while  he  sat  on  a 
throne  and  threw  kisses  at  the  most  beautiful 
women  in  all  the  world,  but  before  we  had  got 

285 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

around  all  the  box  stalls  I  think  if  any  of  them 
had  started  to  dance  dad  would  have  stampeded 
in  a  body. 

We  finally  got  back  to  the  great  marble  room, 
where  the  sultan  was  sleeping  in  a  stuffed  chair, 
surrounded  by  his  staff,  and  one  of  them  woke 
him  up,  and  he  asked  dad  what  he  thought  of  the 
home  life  of  a  crowned  head,  and  dad  said  it  beat 
anything  he  had  ever  seen,  and  he  should  recom 
mend  to  his  government  that  the  harem  system 
be  adopted  in  America,  and  actually  the  sultan 
seemed  pleased.  He  said  as  an  evidence  of  his 
love  for  America  he  wanted  to  present  to  the 
president,  through  dad,  50  of  his  wives,  and  if 
dad  would  indicate  where  he  wanted  them  deliv 
ered,  they  would  be  there,  Johnny  on  the  spot,  or 
words  to  that  effect. 

At  first  I  thought  dad  would  faint  away,  but 
I  whispered  to  him  that  it  would  be  discourteous 
to  decline  a  present,  after  giving  the  sultan  a 
gold  mine,  and  that  may  be  the  old  man  would 
be  so  mad,  if  he  declined  the  wives,  that  he  would 
tie  stones  to  our  legs  and  sink  us  in  the  Bosphor- 
ous,  so  dad  rallied  and  said,  on  behalf  of  his  gov 
ernment,  he  would  accept  the  kindly  and  thought 
ful  gift  of  his  highness,  and  that  he  would  cable 
for  a  war  vessel  to  take  the  wives  to  his  own 

286 


Of  all  the  stampedes  you  ever  saw. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

America,  and  he  would  notify  the  sultan  when 
to  round  them  up  and  load  them  on  the  vessel. 

Well,  sir,  I  do  not  know  what  possessed  me  to 
make  a  scene,  before  we  got  out  of  the  presence 
of  the  sultan,  but  it  all  came  to  me  sudden,  like 
an  inspiration  comes  to  a  poet.  I  had  been  eat 
ing  some  fruit  that  I  bought  in  a  paper  bag,  and 
when  I  had  eaten  the  last  of  it,  I  wondered  what 
I  would  do  with  the  bag,  and  then  I  thought  what 
fun  it  would  be  to  blow  the  bag  up,  and  suddenly 
burst  it,  when  all  was  still.  So  I  blowed  up  the 
bag,  so  it  was  as  hard  as  a  bladder,  and  tied  a 
string  around  the  neck,  and  waited.  I  did  not 
think  how  afraid  everybody  in  these  old  coun 
tries  is  of  bombs,  or  I  never  would  have  done  it, 
honestly. 

The  sultan  was  signing  some  papers,  and  look 
ing  out  of  the  corners  of  his  eyes  to  see  if  any 
body  was  present  who  was  suspicious,  and  dad 
was  getting  ready  to  make  a  salam,  and  back 
out  of  the  presence  of  the  ruler  of  Turkey,  when 
I  got  behind  some  of  the  officials  who  were  watch 
ing  the  sultan,  and  I  laid  my  paper  bag  on  the 
marble  floor,  and  it  was  as  still  as  death,  and  all 
you  could  hear  was  the  scratching  of  the  pen, 
when  I  jumped  up  in  the  air  as  though  I  had  a 
fit,  and  yelled  "  Allah,"  and  came  down  with  my 

288 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

whole  weight  on  the  paper  bag,  and  of  all  the 
stampedes  you  ever  saw,  that  was  the  worst. 

You  know  what  a  noise  it  makes  to  bust  a  paper 
bag.  Well,  this  was  the  toughest  old  bag  I  ever 
busted,  and  it  sounded  like  a  cannon  fired  down 
cellar  somewhere,  and  the  air  was  full  of  dust, 
and  before  I  could  get  up  the  sultan  had  tipped 
over  the  table  and  run  yelling  into  another  room, 
praying  to  "  Allah,"  and  all  the  staff  had  lit  out 
for  tall  timber,  and  there  was  nobody  left  but 
dad  and  the  unique  and  myself,  and  the  unique 
took  dad  by  the  arm  and  started  for  the  door, 
and  we  were  fired  out. 

As  I  went  out  of  the  room  I  looked  around, 
and  there  was  a  Turk's  head  sticking  out  of  every 
door  to  see  how  many  had  been  killed  by  the 
bomb,  and  as  we  got  out  doors,  dad  said  "  Now 
we  have  to  get  out  of  Turkey  before  night,  or 
we  die.  Me  for  Egypt,  boy,  if  we  can  catch  a 
boat  before  we  are  drawn  and  quartered."  So 
here  goes  for  Cairo,  Egypt.  Yours  only, 

HENNERY, 


289 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Arrive  in  Cairo— At  the 

Hotel  They  Meet  Some  Egyptian  Princesses — 

Dan  Rides  a  Camel  to  the  Pyramids  and 

Meets  with  Difficulties. 

Cairo,  Egypt. — My  Dear  Old  Irish  Vegetable : 
Gee,  but  you  ought  to  see  dad  and  I  right  now  at 
a  hotel,  waiting  for  a  chance  at  a  room,  when  a 
bride  and  groom  get  ready  to  vacate  it,  and  go 
somewhere  else.  This  hotel  is  full  of  married 
people  who  look  scared  whenever  there  is  a  new 
arrival,  and  I  came  pretty  near  creating  a  panic 
by  going  into  the  parlor  of  the  hotel,  where  a 
dozen  couples  were  sitting  around  making  goo- 
goo  eyes  at  each  other,  and  getting  behind  a 
screen  and,  in  a  disguised  voice,  shouting,  "  I 
know  all !  Prepare  to  defend  yourself !  " 

The  women  turned  pale  and  some  said,  "  At 
last !  At  last !  "  while  others  got  faint  in  the  head, 
and  some  fell  on  the  bosoms  of  their  husbands  and 
said :  "  Don't  shoot !  "  You  see,  most  of  these 
wives  had  husbands  somewhere  else  that  might 
be  looking  for  them.  I  have  warned  dad  not  to 
be  seen  conversing  with  a  woman,  or  he  may  be 

290 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 
\ 

shot  by  a  husband  who  is  on  her  trail,  or  by  tHe 
husband  she  has  with  her. 

Well,  sir,  of  all  the  trips  we  have  had  any 
where,  the  trip  from  Constantinople  here  was 
the  limit.  For  two  or  three  days  we  were  on 
dinky  steamboats  with  Arabs,  Turks,  negroes  and 
all  nationalities  camping  on  deck,  full  of  fleas,  and 
with  cholera  germs  on  them  big  enough  to  pick 
like  blueberries,  and'  all  of  the  passengers  were 
dirty  and  eat  things  that  would  make  a  dog  in 
America  go  mad.  The  dog  biscuit  that  are  fed 
to  American  dogs  would  pass  as  a  delicate  con 
fection  on  the  menu  of  any  steamboat  we  struck, 
and  I  had  rather  lie  down  in  a  barn  yard  with 
a  wet  dog  for  a  pillow  and  a  cast-off  blanket  from 
a  smallpox  hospital  for  a  bed,  than  to  occupy  the 
bridal  chamber  of  any  steamboat  we  struck. 

And  then  the  ride  across  the  desert  by  rail  to 
reach  Cairo  was  the  worst  in  the,  world.  Pas 
sengers  in  rags,  going  to  Mecca,  or  some  other 
place  of  worship,  eating  cheese  a  thousand  years 
old  made  from  old  goat's  milk,  and  dug  from  the 
Pyramids  too  late  to  save  it,  was  what  surrounded 
us,  and  the  sand  storm  blew  through  the  cars 
laden  with  germs  of  the  plague,  and  stuck  to  us 
so  tight  you  couldn't  get  it  off  with  sandpaper, 

291 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

and  when  we  got  here  all  we  have  had  to  do  is 
to  bathe  the  dirt  off  in  layers. 

It  takes  nine  baths  to  get  down  to  American 
epidermis,  and  the  last  bath  has  a  jackplane  to 
go  with  it,  and  a  thing  they  scale  fish  with.  But 


//  takes  nine  baths  to  get  down  to  American  epidermis. 

we  are  all  right  now,  with  rooms  in  the  hotel,  and 
rested,  and  when  we  go  home  we  are  going  to  be 
salted  down  and  given  chloroform  and  shipped 
as  mummies.  Dad  insists  that  he  will  never  cross 
a  desert  or  an  ocean  again,  and  I  don't  know 
what  is  to  become  of  us.  Anyway,  we  are  going 
to  enjoy  ourselves  until  we  are  killed  off. 

292 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

The  first  two  days  we  just  looked  about  Cairo, 
and  saw  the  congress  of  nations,  for  there  is 
nothing  just  like  this  town  anywhere.  There  are 
people  from  all  quarters  of  the  globe,  the  most 
outlandish  and  the  most  up-to-date.  This  place 
is  an  asylum  for  fakirs  and  robbers,  a  place  where 
defaulters,  bribers,  murderers,  swindlers  and 
elopers  are  safe,  as  there  seems  to  be  no  extradi 
tion  treaty  that  cannot  be  overcome  by  paying 
money  to  the  officials.  I  found  that  out  the  first 
day,  and  told  dad  we  should  have  no  standing  in 
the  society  of  Egypt  unless  the  people  thought 
he  had  committed  some  gigantic  crime  and  fled 
his  country. 

Dad  wanted  to  know  how  it  would  strike  me 
if  it  was  noised  about  the  hotel  that  he  had  robbed 
a  national  bank,  but  I  told  him  there  would  be 
nothing  uncommon  or  noticeable  about  robbing 
a  bank,  as  half  the  tourists  were  bank  defaulters, 
so  he  would  have  to  be  accused  of  something 
startling,  so  we  decided  that  dad  should  be 
charged  with  being  the  principal  thing  in  the 
Standard  Oil  Company,  and  that  he  had  under 
ground  pipe  lines  running  under  several  states,, 
gathering  oil  away  from  the  people  who  owned 
it,  and  that  at  the  present  time  he  was  worth  a 
billion  dollars,  and  his  income  was  $9,000,000 

293 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

every  little  while,  and,  by  ginger,  you  ought  to 
see  the  people  bow  down  to  him.  Say,  common 
bank  robbers  and  defaulters  just  fell  over  them 
selves  to  get  acquainted  with  daH,  and  to  carry 
out  the  joke,  I  put  some  kerosene  oil  on  dad's 
handkerchief,  and  that  clinched  it,  for  everybody 
loves  the  smell  of  a  perfume  that  represents  a  bil 
lion  dollars. 

All  the  women  wanted  to  dance  with  dad  in 
the  hotel  dance,  and  because  they  thought  I  must 
be  heir  to  all  the  oil  billions,  they  wanted  to  hold 
me  on  their  laps,  and  stroke  my  hair,  as  though 
I  was  it.  I  guess  we  are  going  to  have  every 
thing  our  own  way  here,  and  if  dad  does  not  get 
eloped  with  by  some  Egyptian  princess,  I  shall 
be  mistaken.  The  Egyptians  are  pretty  near 
being  negroes,  and  wear  bangles  in  their  ears, 
and  earrings  on  their  arms.  You  take  it  in  the 
dark,  and  let  a  princess  put  her  arms  around  you, 
and  sort  of  squeeze  you,  and  you  can't  tell  but 
what  she  is  white,  only  there  is  an  odor  about 
them  like  "  Araby  the  blessed,"  but  in  the  light 
they  are  only  negroes,  a  little  bleached,  with  red 
paint  on  their  cheeks.  If  I  was  going  to  marry 
an  Egyptian  woman,  I  would  take  her  to  Nor 
way,  or  up  towards  the  north  pole,  where  it  is 
night  all  day,  and  you  wouldn't  realize  that  you 

294 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

were  married  to  a  colored  woman.  To  be  around 
among  these  Egyptians  is  a  good  deal  like  having 
a  pass  behind  the  scenes  at  the  play  of  Ben  Hur 
in  New  York,  only  here  the  dark  and  dangerous 
women  are  the  real  thing,  instead  of  being  white 
girls  with  black  paint  on. 

We  have  just  got  back  from  the  pyramids,  and 
dad  is  being  treated  for  spinal  meningitis,  on  ac 
count  of  riding  a  camel.  I  never  tried  harder  to 
get  dad  to  go  anywhere  on  the  cars  than  I  did  to 
get  him  to  go  to  the  pyramids  by  rail,  as  a  mil 
lionaire  should,  but  he  said  he  was  going  to  break 
a  camel  to  the  saddle,  and  then  buy  him  and  take 
him  home  for  a  side  show.  So  we  went  down  to 
the  camel  garage  and  hired  a  camel  for  dad, 
and  four  camels  for  the  arabs  and  things  he 
wanted  for  an  escort,  and  a  jackass  for  me. 
There  were  automobiles  and  carriages,  and  trol 
leys,  and  everything  that  we  could  have  hired, 
and  been  comfortable  for  the  ten-mile  ride,  but 
dad  was  mashed  on  the  camel,  and  he  got  it. 

Well,  sir,  it  was  not  one  of  these  world's  fair 
camels  that  lay  down  for  you  to  get  on,  and  then 
got  up  on  the  installment  plan,  and  chuck  you 
forward  and  aft,  but  a  proud  Egyptian  camel  that 
stands  up  straight  and  makes  you  climb  up  on  a 
stepladder. 

295 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

Dad  got  along  up  the  camel's  ribs,  when  the 
stepladder  fell,  and  he  grabbed  hold  of  the  hair 
on  the  two  humps,  and  the  humps  were  loose  and 
they  lopped  over  on  the  side,  and  it  must  have 
hurt  the  camel's  feelings  to  have  his  humps  pulled 


Like  a  frog  on  a  pond  lily  leaf. 

down,  so  he  reached  around  his  head  and  took  a 
mouthful  out  of  the  seat  of  dad's  pants,  and  dad 
yelled  to  the  camel  to  let  go,  and  the  Arabs  ampu 
tated  the  camel  from  dad's  trousers,  and  pushed 
dad  up  on  top  with  a  bamboo  pole  with  a  crotch 

296 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

in  it,  and  when  dad  got  settled  between  the  humps 
he  said,  "  Let  'er  go,"  and  we  started. 

Dad  could  have  had  a  camel  with  a  platform 
on  top,  and  an  awning,  but  he  insisted  on  taking 
his  camel  raw,  and  he  sat  there  between  those 
humps,  his  trousers  worked  up  towards  his  knees, 
showing  his  red  socks  and  blue  drawers,  and  his 
face  got  pale  from  sea  sickness,  and  the  red,  white 
and  blue  colors  made  me  think  of  a  fourth  of  July 
at  home.  We  went  out  of  town  like  a  wild  west 
show,  and  dad  seemed  happy,  except  that  every 
time  an  automobile  went  whizzing  along,  dad's 
camel  got  the  jumps  and  waltzed  sideways  out 
into-  the  sandy  desert,  and  chewed  at  dad's  socks, 
so  part  of  the  time  dad  had  to  draw  up  his  legs 
and  sit  on  one  hump  and  put  his  shoes  on  the 
other  hump.  The  Arabs  on  the  other  cam 
els  would  ride  up  alongside  and  steer  dad's 
camel  back  into  the  road,  by- sticking  sharp  sticks 
into  the  camel,  and  the  animal  would  yawn  and 
groan  and  make  up  faces  at  me  on  my  jackass, 
and  finally  dad  wanted  to  change  works  with  me 
and  ride  my  jackass,  but  I  told  him  we  had  left 
the  stepladder  back  at  Cairo,  so  dad  hung  to  his 
mountainous  steed,  but  the  dust  blew  so  you 
couldn't  see,  and  it  was  getting  monotonous  when 
the  queerest  thing  happened. 

297 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

You  have  heard  that  camels  can  fill  up  with 
water  and  go  for  a  week  without  asking  for  any 
more.  Well,  I  guess  the  week  was  up,  and  it 
was  time  to  load  the  camels  with  water,  for  as 
we  came  to  the  Nile  every  last  camel  made  a  rush 
for  the  river,  and  they  went  in  like  a  yoke  of  oxen 
on  a  stampede,  and  waded  in  clear  up  to  the 
humps,  and  began  to  drink,  and  dad  yelled  for 
a  life  preserver  and  pulled  his  feet  up  on  top  and 
sat  there  like  a  frog  on  a  pond  lily  leaf. 

My  jackass  only  stepped  his  feet  in  the  edge, 
and  dad  wanted  me  to  swim  my  jackass  out  to 
the  camel  and  let  him  fall  off  onto  the  jack,  but 
I  knew  dad  would  sink  my  jack  in  a  minute,  and 
I  wouldn't  go  in  the  river.  Well,  the  camels 
drank  about  an  hour,  with  dad  sitting  there  medi 
tating,  and  then  the  dragomen  got  them  out,  and 
we  started  off  for  the  pyramids,  which  were  in 
plain  sight  like  the  pictures  you  have  seen,  with 
palm  trees  along  the  Nile,  and  Arabs  camping 
on  the  bank,  and  it  looked  as  though  everything 
was  going  to  be  all  right,  when  suddenly  dad's 
camel  stopped  dead  still  and  wouldn't  move  a 
foot,  and  all  the  rest  of  the  camels  stopped,  closed 
their  eyes  and  went  to  sleep,  and  the  Arabs  went 
to  sleep,  and  dad  and  the  jackass  and  I  were  ap- 

298 


Started  on  a  stamptde. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

parently  the  only  animals  in  Egypt  that  were 
awake. 

Dad  kicked  his  camel  in  the  ribs,  but  it  wouldn't 
budge.  He  asked  me  if  I  could't  think  up  some 
way  to  start  the  procession,  and  I  stopped  my 
jackass  and  thought  a  minute,  and  told  dad  I  had 
it.  I  had  bought  some  giant  fire  crackers  and 
roman  candles  at  Cairo,  with  which  I  was  going 
to  fire  a  salute  on  top  of  the  biggest  pyramid,  to 
celebrate  for  old  America,  and  I  told  dad  what 
I  had  got,  and  I  thought  if  I  got  off  my  jackass 
and  fired  a  salute  there  in  the  desert  it  would  wake 
them  up. 

Dad  said,  "  all  right,  let  'er  go,  but  do  it  sort 
of  easy,  at  first,  so  not  to  overdo  it,"  and  I  got 
my  artillery  ready.  Say,  you  can't  fire  off  fire 
works  easy,  you  got  to  touch  a  match  to  'em  and 
dodge  and  take  your  chances.  Well,  I  scratched 
a  match  and  lit  the  giant  fire  cracker,  and  put 
it  under  the  hind  legs  of  dad's  camel,  arid  when 
it  got  to  fizzing  I  lit  my  roman  candle,  and  as  the 
fire  cracker  exploded  like  a  1 6-inch  gun,  my 
roman  candle  began  to  spout  balls  of  fire,  and  I 
aimed  one  at  each  camel,  and  the  whole  push 
started  on  a  stampede  for  the  pyramids,  the  cam- 

300 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

els  groaning,  the  Arabs  praying  to  Allah,  dad 
yelling  to  stop  'er,  and  my  jackass  led  the  bunch, 
and  I  was  left  in  the  desert  to  pick  up  the  hats. 
I  guess  I  will  have  to  tell  you  the  rest  of  the 
tragedy  in  my  next  letter. 

Yours  with  plenty  of  sand, 

HENNERY. 


301 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  Climb  the  Pyramids — The 

Bad  Boy  Lights  a  Cannon  Cracker  in  Rameses' 

Tomb — They  Flee  from  Egypt  in  Disguise. 

Cairo,  Egypt. — My  Dear  Old  Geezer :  I  broke 
off  my  last  letter  in  sight  of  the  pyramids,  when 
I  was  left  alone  on  the  desert,  my  jackass  having 
stampeded  with  the  camels,  on  account  of  my  fire 
works,  and  I  presume  you  think  I  was  all  in, 
but  I  got  to  the  pyramids  before  the  stampeded 
caravan  did.  I  saw  a  car  coming  along,  and  I  just 
got  aboard  and  in  ten  minutes  I  was  at  the  base 
of  the  big  pyramid,  and  the  camel  with  dad  on 
between  the  humps,  was  humping  himself  half  a 
mile  away,  trying  to  get  there,  and  the  other  cam 
els,  with  the  Arabs,  were  stretched  out  like  horses 
in  a  race,  behind,  and  my  jackass  was  right  next 
to  dad's  camel,  braying  and  occasionally  kicking 
dad's  camel  in  the  slats. 

There  were  about  a  hundred  tourists  around 
the  stampede  of  the  camels,  and  I^told  them  my 
the  base  of  the  big  pyramid,  all  looking  towards 
dad,  the  great  American  millionaire,  was  on  the 
runaway  camel  in  advance,  and  asked  them  to 

302  / 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

form  a  line  across  the  trail  and  save  dad,  but 
when  the  camel  came  nearer  I  was  ashamed  of 
dad.  He  had  his  arms  around  the  front  hump 
of  the  camel,  and  he  was  yelling  for  help  to  stop 
his  menagerie,  and  his  legs  were  flying  in  the 
air,  and  every  time  they  came  down  they  kicked 
a  hole  in  the  side  of  the  camel. 

Well,  sir,  I  thought  dad  was  a  brave  man,  but 
he  blatted  like  a  calf,  and  when  the  camel  stopped 
and  went  to  eating  a  clump  of  grass  dad  opened 
his  eyes,  and  when  he  saw  that  the  procession 
had  stopped  he  rolled  off  his  camel  like  a  bag  of 
wheat,  and  stuck  in  the  sand  and  began  to  say 
a  prayer,  but  when  he  saw  me  standing  there, 
laughing,  he  stopped  praying,  and  said  to  me: 
"I  thought  you  were  blown  up  when  that  jackass 
kicked  the  can  of  dynamite.  You  have  more  lives 
than  a  cat.  Now,  get  a  hustle  on  you  and  we  will 
climb  that  pyramid,  and  then  quit  this  blasted 
country,"  and  dad  sat  down  on  a  hummock  and 
began  to  pull  himself  together,  after  the  most 
fearful  ride  he  ever  had.  He  said  the  camel  loped, 
trotted,  galloped,  single-footed  and  shied  all  at 
the  same  time,  and  when  one  hump  was  not  jam 
ming  him  in  the  back  the  other  hump  was  kick 
ing  him  in  the  stomach,  and  if  he  had  a  gun  he 

303 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

would  shoot  the  camel,  and  the  Arabs,  and  bust 
up  the  show. 

By  the  time  dad  got  so  he  could  stand  up  with 
out  leaning  against  a  pyramid  the  Arabs  came 
up  and  they  all  talked  at  once,  and  drew  knives, 


—  T»no«— r 

Wanted  him  to  pay  for  the  camel 

and  it  seemed  as  though  they  were  blaming  dad 
for  something.  We  found  an  interpreter  among 
the  tourists,  and  he  talked  with  the  Arabs,  and 
pointing  to  the  camel  dad  had  ridden,  which  was 
stretched  out  on  the  sand  like  he  was  dead,  he 
told  dad  the  Arabs  wanted  him  to  pay  for  the 

304 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

camel  he  had  ridden  to  death,  and  foundered  by 
letting  it  drink  a  wagon  load  of  water,  and  then 
entered  in  a  race  across  the  desert,  and  the  inter 
preter  said  dad  better  pay,  or  they  would  kill 
him. 

Dad  settled  for  the  camel  for  a  hundred  dol 
lars,  and  a  promise  of  the  skin  of  the  camel,  which 
he  was  going  to  take  home  and  have  stuffed. 
Then  a  man  who  pretended  to  be  a  justice  of  the 
peace  had  dad  arrested  for  driving  off  of  a  walk, 
and  he  was  fined  $10  and  costs  for  that,  and  then 
all  the  Arabs  stuck  him  for  money  for  one  thing 
and  another,  and  when  he  had  settled  all  around 
and.  paid  extra  for  not  riding  back  to  Cairo  on 
the  camel,  we  got  ready  to  climb  up  the  pyramid. 
Dad  said  he  wouldn't  ride  that  camel  back  to 
Cairo  for  a  million  dollars,  for  he  was  split  up 
so  his  legs  began  where  his  arms  left  off,  and 
he  was  lame  from  Genesis  to  Revelations. 

But  I  never  saw  such  a  lot  of  people  to  pray  as 
these  pirates  are.  Just  before  they  rob  a  man 
they  get  down  on  their  knees  on  a  rug,  and  mum 
ble  something  to  some  god,  and  after  they  have 
got  you  robbed  good  and  plenty,  they  get  down 
and  pray  while  they  are  concealing  the  money 
they  took  from  you.  Gee,  but  when  I  get  home 
I  am  going  to  steer  the  train  robbers  and  burglars 

305 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

onto  the  idea  of  always  being  on  praying  grounds. 

Well,  I  told  dad  he  hadn't  better  try  to  climb 
up  the  pyramid,  that  I  would  go  up,  'cause  I 
could  climb  like  a  goat,  and  when  I  got  up  to 
the  top  I  would  fire  a  salute,  so  everybody  would 
know  that  a  star  spangled  American  was  on  deck, 
but  dad  said  he  would  go  up  or  quit  the  tourist 
business.  He  said  he  had  come  thousands  of 
miles  to  climb  the  pyramids,  and  sit  in  the  shad 
ow  of  the  spinks,  and  by  ginger  he  was  going 
to  do  it,  and  so  we  started. 

Well,  say,  each  stone  is  about  four  feet  high, 
and  dad  couldn't  get  up  without  help,  so  an  Arab 
would  go  up  a  stone  ahead,  and  take  hold  of 
dad's  hands,  and  two  more  Arabs  would  get 
their  shoulders  under  dad's  pants,  and  shove,  and 
he  would  get  up  gradually.  Wre  got  about  half 
way  up  when  dad  weakened,  and  said  he  didn't 
care  so  much  about  pyramids  as  he  thought  he 
did,  and  he  was  ready  to  quit,  but  the  guide  and 
some  of  the  tourists  said  we  were  right  near 
the  entrance  to  the  great  tomb  of  the  kings,  and 
that  we  better  go  in  and  at  least  make  a  formal 
call  on  the  crowned  heads,  and  so  we  went  in, 
through  dark  passages,  with  little  candles  that  the 
guides  carried,  and  up  and  down  stairs,  until  fin 
ally  we  got  into  a  big  room  that  smelled  like  a 

306 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


morgue,  with  bats  and  evil  looking  things  all 
around,  and  I  felt  creepy. 

The  guides  got  down  on  their  knees  to  pray, 
and  I  thought  it  was  time  to  be  robbed  again. 
I  do  not  know  what  made  me  think  of  making  a 


I  was  ashamed  of  Dad  myself. 

sensation  right  there  in  the  bowels  of  that  pyra 
mid,  where  there  were  corpses  thousands  of  years 
old,  of  Egypt's  rulers.  I  never  felt  that  way  at 
home,  when  I  visited  a  cemetery,  but  I  though  I 
would  shoot  my  last  roman  candle  and  fire  my 

307 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

last  giant  firecracker  right  there  in  that  mos- 
eleum,  and  take  the  chances  that  we  would  get 
out  alive.  So  when  the  tourists  were  lined  up  be 
side  a  tomb  of  some  Rameses  or  other,  and  the 
guides  were  praying  for  strength  and  endurance, 
probably,  to  get  away  with  all  the  money  we 
had,  I  picked  out  a  place  up  toward  the  roof  that 
seemed  full  of  bats  and  birds  of  ill  omen,  and  I 
sneaked  my  roman  candle  out  from  under  my 
shirt,  and  touched  the  fuse  to  a  candle  on  the 
turban  of  a  guide  who  was  on  his  knees,  and  just 
as  the  first  fire  ball  was  ready  to  come  out  I 
yelled  "Whoop-la-much-a  wano,  epluribus  un- 
um,"  and  the  fire  balls  lighted  up  the  gloom  and 
knocked  the  bats  gaily  west. 

Holy  jumping  cats,  but  you  ought  to  have  seen 
the  guides,  yelling  Allah !  Allah !  and  groveling  on 
the  floor,  and  the  bats  were  flying  around  in  the 
faces  of  the  tourists,  and  everybody  was  simply 
scared  out  of  their  boots.  I  thought  I  might  as 
well  wind  the  thing  up  glorious,  so  I  touched  the 
tail  of  my  last  giant  firecracker  to  the  sparks  that 
were  oozing  out  of  my  empty  roman  candle,  and 
threw  it  into  the  middle  of  the  great  room,  and 
when  it  went  off  you  would  think  a  cannon  had 
exploded,  and  everybody  rushed  for  the  door,  and 

308 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

we  fell  over  each  other  getting  out  through  the 
passage  towards  the  door. 

I  was  the  first  to  get  out  on  to  the  side  of  the 
pyramid,  and  I  watched  for  the  crowd  to  come 
out.  The  tourists  got  out  first,  and  then  dad 
came  out,  puffing  and  wheezing,  and  the  last  to 
come  out  were  the  Arabs,  and  they  came  on  their 
hands  and  knees,  calling  to  Mr.  Allah  and  every 
one  of  them  actually  pale,  and  I  think  they  were 
conscience-stricken,  for  they  began  to  give  back 
the  money  they  had  robbed  dad  of,  and  an  Arab 
must  be  pretty  scared  to  give  up  any  of  his  hard- 
earned  robberies.  I  think  dad  was  about  the 
maddest  man  there  was,  until  he  got  some  of  his 
money  back,  when  he  felt  better,  but  he  gave  me 
a  talking  to  that  I  will  never  forget. 

He  said :  "Don't  you  know  better  than  to  go 
around  with  explosives,  like  a  train  robber,  and 
fire  them  off  in  a  hole  in  the  ground,  where  there 
is  no  ventilation,  and  make  people's  ears  ring? 
Maybe  you  have  woke  up  those  kings  and  queens 
in  there,  and  changed  a  dynasty,  you  little  idiot." 
The  rest  of  the  crowd  wanted  to  throw  me  down 
the  side  of  the  pyramid,  but  I  got  away  from 
them  and  went  up  on  top  of  the  pyramid  and  hoist 
ed  a  small  American  flag,  and  left  it  floating 
there,  and  then  came  back  to  where  the  crowd 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

was  discussing  the  explosion  in  the  tomb,  and 
then  we  all  went  down  the  side  of  the  pyramid. 

The  guides  got  their  nerve  back  after  they  got 
out  in  the  air,  because  they  wouldn't  help  dad 
down  unless  he  paid  them  something  every  stone 
they  helped  him  climb  down,  so  when  he  got  down 
he  didn't  have  any  money,  and  hardly  any  pants, 
because  what  pants  the  Arabs  didn't  tear  were 
worn  off  on.  the  stones,  so  when  he  showed  up  in 
front  of  the  spinks  he  was  a  sight,  and  he  bought 
a  turban  of  a  guide  and  unwound  it  and  wound 
it  around  him  in  place  of  pants.  I  was  ashamed 
of  dad  myself,  and  it  is  pretty  hard  to  make  me 
ashamed. 

We  went  back  to  Cairo  on  the  cars,  and  what 
do  you  think,  that  dead  camel  that  the  Arabs 
made  dad  pay  for  was  with  the  caravan  going 
back  to  town,  'cause  we  saw  him  out  of  the  car 
window  with  the  hair  wore  off  where  dad  kicked 
him  in  the  side.  The  tourists  say  the  Arabs  have 
that  camel  trained  to  die  every  day  when  they  get 
to  the  pyramids,  and  they  make  some  tenderfoot 
pay  for  him  at  the  end  of  each  journey.  Dad  is 
going  to  try  to  get  his  money  back  from  the  Egyp 
tian  government,  but  I  guess  he  will  never  realize 
on  his  H^itn. 

Well,  sir,  after  dad  had  doctored  all  night  to 
310 


, 


Dad  is  disguised  as  a  sheik. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

get  the  camel  rheumatism  and  spinal  meningitis 
out  of  his  system,  we  took  a  trip  by  boat  on  the 
Nile,  and  saw  the  banks  where  the  people  grow 
crops  by  irrigation,  and  where  an  English  syndi 
cate  has  built  a  big  dam,  so  the  whole  valley  can 
be  irrigated,  and  I  tell  you  it  will  not  be  long  be 
fore  Egypt  will  raise  everything  used  in  the  world 
on  that  desert,  and  every  other  country  that  raises 
food  to  sell  will  be  busted  up  in  business,  but  it  is 
disgusting  to  take  a  trip  on  the  Nile,  'cause  all  the 
natives  are  dirty  and  sick  with  contagious  dis 
eases,  and  they  are  lazy  and  crippled,  and  beg  for 
a  living,  and  if  you  don't  give  them  something 
they  steal  all  you  got.  You  are  in  luck  if  you  get 
away  without  having  leprosy,  or  the  plague,  or 
cholera,  or  fleas. 

So  we  went  back  to  Cairo,  and  there  was  the 
worst  commotion  you  ever  saw,  about  my  fire 
works  in  the  tomb.  The  papers  said  that  an 
American  dynamiter  had  attempted  to  blow  up 
the  great  pyramid,  and  take  possession  of  the 
country  and  place  it  under  the  American  flag,  and 
that  the  conspirators  were  spotted  and  would  be 
arrested  and  put  in  irons  as  soon  as  they  got 
back  from  a  trip  on  the  Nile. 

Well,  sir,  dad  found  his  career  would  close 
right  here,  and  that  he  would  probably  spend  the 

312 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

balance  of  his  life  in  an  Egyptian  prison  if  we 
didn't  get  out,  so  we  made  a  sneak  and  got  into 
our  hotel,  bought  disguises  and  are  going  to  get 
out  of  here  tonight,  and  try  to  get  to  Gibraltar,  or 
somewhere  in  sight  of  home.  Dad  is  disguised 
as  a  shiek,  with  whiskers  and  a  white  robe,  like 
a  bath  robe,  and  I  am  going  to  travel  with  him 
as  an  Egyptian  girl  till  we  get  through  the  Suez 
canal. 

Gee,  but  I  wouldn't  be  a  nigger  girl  only  to 
save  dad.    Your  innocent, 

HENNERY. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 

The  Bad   Boy  Writes   About   Gibraltar— The  Irish- 
English  Army — How  He  Would  Take  the  Fort 
ress — Dad  Wants  to  Buy  the  "Rock." 

GIBRALTAR,  IN  SPAIN  AND  ENGLAND. 
MY  DEAR  FOSTER  UNCLE: 

It  seems  good  to  get  somewhere  that  you  can 
hear  the  English  language  spoken  by  the  Irish, 
and  the  English  soldiers  are  nearly  all  Irish. 
When  you  think  of  the  way  the  British  govern 
ment  treats  the  Irish,  and  then  you  look  on  while 
an  orderly  sergeant  calls  the  roll  of  a  company, 
and  find  that  nine  out  of  ten  answer  to  Irisn 
names,  and  only  one  out  of  ten  has  the  cockney 
accent,  you  feel  that  the  Irish  ought  to  rule  Eng 
land,  and  an  O'Rourke  or  a  O'Shaunnessy  should 
take  the  place  of  King  Edward.  It  makes  a  boy 
who  was  brought  up  in  an  Irish  ward  in  Ameri 
ca  feel  like  he  was  at  home  to  mix  with  British 
soldiers  who  come  from  the  old  sod.  Dad  says 
that  there  is  never  an  army  anywhere  in  the 
world,  except  the  armies  of  Russia  and  Japan, 
that  the  bravest  men  are  not  answering  to  Irish 
names,  and  always  on  the  advance  in  a  fight,  or 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

in  the  rear  when  there  is  a  retreat.  Dad  says 
that  in  our  own  army,  when  the  North  and  South 
were  fighting,  the  Irish  boys  were  the  fellows  who 
saved  the  day.  They  wanted  to  fight"  nights  and 
Sundays,  and  never  struck  for  an  eight-hour 
day,  or  union  wages.  When  the  fighting  was 
over,  and  soldiers  were  sick,  or  discouraged,  and 
despondent,  an  Irish  soldier  would  come  along, 
maybe  on  crutches,  or  with  a  bullet  in  his  inwards, 
and  tell  funny  stories  and  make  the  discouraged 
fellows  laugh  in  spite  of  themselves,  and  when 
another  fight  was  on,  you  had  to  tie  the  wounded 
Irish  soldiers  to  their  cots  in  the  hospital,  or  put 
them  in  jail  to  keep  them  from  forgetting  their 
wounds,  and  going  to  the  front  for  one  more 
fight.  Dad  says  if  there  was  an  Irish  nation  with 
an  army  and  navy,  the  whole  world  would  have  to 
combine  to  whip  them,  and  yet  the  nation  that  has 
the  control  of  the  Irish  people  treats  them  worse 
than  San  Francisco  treats  Chinamen,  makes  them 
live  on  potatoes,  and  allows  landlords  to  take 
away  the  potatoes  if  they  are  shy  on  the  rent. 
Gosh,  if  I  was  an  Irishman  I  would  see  the  coun 
try  that  walked  on  my  neck  in  hell  before  I  would 
fight  for  it.  (Gee,  dad  looked  over  my  shoulder 
and  saw  what  I  had  written,  and  he  cuffed  me  on 
the  side  of  the  head,  and  said  I  was  an  incendiary 

315 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

c 

and  that  I  ought  to  have  sense  enough  not  to  write 
treason  while  a  guest  on  British  soil.)  Well,  I 
don't  care  a  darn.  It  makes  me  hot  under  the 
collar  when  I  think  of  the  brave  Irish  fellows, 
and  I  wonder  why  they  don't  come  to  America  in 
a  body  and  be  aldermen  and  policemen.  When 
I  get  home  I  am  going  to  join  the  Fenians,  and 
raise  thunder,  just  as  quick  as  I  am  old  enough. 

Well,  sir,  we  have  been  through  the  Suez  canal, 
and  for  a  great  modern  piece  of  engineering  it 
doesn't  size  up  with  a  sewer  in  Milwaukee,  or  a 
bayou  in  Louisiana.  It  is  just  digging  a  railroad 
cut  through  the  desert,  and  letting  in  the  water, 
and  there  you  are.  The  only  question  in  its  con 
struction  was  plenty  of  dredging  machines,  and 
a  place  to  pile  the  dirt,  and  water  that  just  came  in 
of  its  own  accord,  and  stays  there,  and  smells 
like  thunder,  and  you  see  the  natives  look  at  it, 
and  keep  away  from  the  banks  for  fear  the  banks 
will  cave  in  on  them,  and  give  them  a  bath  before 
their  year  is  up,  cause  they  don't  bathe  but  once 
a  year,  and  when  they  skip  a  year  nobody  knows 
about  it,  except  that  they  smell  a  year  or  so  more 
frowsy,  like  butter  that  has  been  left  out  of  the 
ice  box.  Our  boat  went  right  along,  and  got  out 
of  the  canal,  because  it  was  a  mail  boat,  but  the 
most  of  the  boats  we  saw  were  tied  up  to  the 

316 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

bank,  waiting  for  the  millennium.  We  saw  som 
Russian  boats  waiting  for  the  war  to  blow  ovef 
and  as  we  passed  them  every  Russian  on  boar 
looked  scared,  as  though  we  were  Japs  that  wen 
going  to  fire  a  torpedo  under  them,  or  throw  «' 
bomb  on  deck,  and  when  our  boat  got  by  the  Rus 


The  natives  look  at  it  and  keep  away  fr»m  the  bittk. 

sian  boat,  the  crew  was  called  to  prayers,  to  thanl 
the  Lord,  or  whoever  it  is  that  the  Russians  thank 
because  they  had  escaped  a  dire  peril.  I  guesi 
the  Russians  are  all  in,  and  that  those  who  have 
not  gone  to  the  front  are  shaking  hands  witt 
themselves,  and  waiting  for  the  dove  of  peace  tc 
alight  on  their  guns.  The  Suez  canal  probabl} 
pays,  and  no  wonder,  cause  they  charge  what 

317 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

they  please  to  boats  that  go  through,  and  if  they 
don't  pay  all  they  have  to  do  is  to  stay  out,  and  go 
around  a  few  thousand  miles.  It  is  like  a  ferry 
across  a  little  stream  out  west,  where  there  is  no 
other  way  to  cross,  except  to  wade  or  go  around, 
and  the  old  ferryman  sizes  up  the  wagon  load  that 
wants  to  cross,  and  takes  all  they  have  got  loose, 
and  then  the  travelers  are  ahead  of  the  game, 
cause  if  they  didn't  cross  the  stream  they  would 
have  to  camp  on  the  bank  until  the  stream  dried 
up.  Some  day  an  earthquake  will  split  that  des 
ert  wide  open  and  the  water  in  the  Suez  canal 
will  soak  into  the  sand  and  the  steamboats  will 
lay  in  the  mud,  and  be  covered  with  a  sand  storm, 
and  future  ages  will  be  discovering  full  rigged 
ships  down  deep  on  the  desert  Dad  says  we  bet 
ter  sell  our  stock  in  the  canal  and  buy  air  ship 
stock.  And  talk  about  business,  there  is  more 
tonnage  goes  through  the  Soo  canal,  between 
Michigan  and  Canada  than  goes  through  the  Suez 
and  we  don't  howl  about  it  very  much. 

Well,  sir,  I  have  studied  Gibraltar  in  my  geog 
raphy,  and  read  about  it  in  the  papers,  and  seen 
its  pictures  in  advertisements,  but  never  real 
ized  what  a  big  thing  it  was.  Now,  who  ever 
thought  of  putting  that  enormous  rock  right  there 
on  that  prairie,  but  God.  I  suppose  the  English, 

318 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

when  they  saw  that  rock,  thought  the  good  Lord 
had  put  it  there  for  the  English  to  drill  holes  in, 
for  guns,  and  when  the  Lord  was  busy  some 
where  else,  the  English  smoughed  the  rock  away 
from  Spain,  by  playing  a  game  with  loaded  dice, 
and  when  England  got  it,  that  country  decided 
to  arm  it  like  a  train  robber,  and  hold  up  the 
other  nations  of  the  earth.  When  a  vessel  passes 
that  rock  it  has  to  hold  up  its  hands  and  salute 
the  British  flag,  or  get  a  mess  of  hardware  fired 
into  its  vital  parts,  but  that  is  all  it  amounts  to, 
cause  it  couldn't  win  any  battle  for  England, 
and  could  only  sink  trading  vessels.  The  walls 
of  the  rock  are  perforated  from  top  to  bottom, 
with  holes  big  enough  for  guns  to  squirt  smoke 
and  shells,  but  if  the  enemy  should  stay  away 
from  right  in  front  of  the  holes,  they  might  shoot 
till  doomsday  and  never  hit  anything  but  fishing 
smacks  and  peddlers  of  oranges.  Gibraltar  is  like 
a  white  elephant  in  a  zoological  garden.  It  just 
eats  and  keeps  off  the  flies  with  its  short  tail,  and 
visitors  feed  it  peanuts  and  wonder  what  it  was 
made  for,  and  how  much  hay  it  eats.  Gibraltar  is 
like  a  twenty-dollar  gold  piece  that  a  man  carries 
in  his  watch  pocket  for  an  emergency,  which  he 
never  intends  to  spend  until  he  gets  in  the  tightest 
place  of  his  life,  and  it  wears  out  one  pocket  after 

319 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

another,  and  some  day  drops  through  on  to  the 
sidewalk,  and  a  tramp  finds  it  and  goes  on  a  bat 
and  gets  the  worth  of  his  money,  and  has  a  good 
time,  if  he  saves  enough  to  buy  a  bromo  seltzer 
the  next  morning  after.  It  is  like  the  Russian 
war  chest,  that  is  never  to  be  opened  as  long  as 
they  can  borrow  money.  If  Gibraltar  could  be  put 
on  castors,  and  rolled  around  from  one  country 
to  another,  England  could  whip  all  Europe  and 
Asia.  It  would  be  a  Tro  Jane  horse  on  a  larger 
scale,  and  be  a  terror ;  but,  say,  if  it  got  to  Amer 
ica  we  wouldn't  do  a  thing  to  it.  We  would  run 
a  standpipe  up  the  side,  and  connect  it  with  an 
oil  pipe  line,  fill  Gibraltar's  tunnels  and  avenues, 
and  magazines  and  barracks  with  crude  oil,  and 
touch  a  match  to  it,  and  not  an  Englishman  would 
live  to  tell  about  it.  Gee,  but  I  would  be  sorry 
for  the  Irish  soldiers,  but  I  guess  they  wouldn't 
be  there,  cause  they  wouldn't  fight  America. 
Well,  if  England  ever  has  a  big  war,  and  she  gets 
chesty  about  Gibraltar,  and  says  it  is  impregnable, 
and  defies  the  world  to  take  it,  I  bet  you  ten 
dollars  it  could  be  taken  in  twenty-four  hours. 
If  I  was  a  general,  or  an  admiral,  I  would  have 
about  forty  tank  steamers,  loaded  with  kerosene, 
and  have  them  land,  innocent  like,  right  up  be 
side  Gibraltar,  ostensibly  to  sell  oil  for  perfum- 

320 


'Dad  got  up  on  his  hind  legs  and  sang  so  loud  you  would  think 
he  would  split  hisself" 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ery  to  the  natives,  who  would  all  be  improved  by 
using  kerosene  on  their  persons.  Then  I  would 
get  on  a  barrel,  on  deck  of  my  flag  ship,  and  com 
mand  the  English  general  to  surrender  uncondi 
tionally,  and  if  he  refused  I  would  set  a  slow 
match  on  every  oil  vessel,  and  have  the  crews 
get  in  skiffs  and  pull  for  the  opposite  shore,  and 
when  the  oil  got  on  fire,  and  rolled  up  all  over 
Gibraltar,  and  burned  every  living  thing,  I  would 
throw  water  from  a  fire  department  boat  on  the 
rock,  and  she  would  split  open  and  roll  all  over 
the  prairie,  and  then  I  would  bury  the  cremated 
dead  out  on  the  desert,  and  seek  other  worlds  to 
conquer,  like  Alexander  the  Great.  But  don't  be 
afraid.  I  won't  do  it  unless  they  make  me  mad, 
but  you  watch  my  smoke  if  they  pick  on  your  little 
Hennery  too  much,  when  he  grows  up. 

But  I  haven't  got  any  kick  coming  about  Gib 
raltar,  cause  they  treated  dad  and  I  all  right, 
and  the  commander  detailed  an  ensign  to  show 
us  all  through  the  fortress.  Now  don't  get  an 
ensign  mixed  up  with  a  unique,  such  as  showed 
us  through  the  Turkish  harem.  An  English  en 
sign  is  just  as  different  from  a  Turkish  unique 
as  you  can  imagine.  Every  man  to  his  place. 
You  couldn't  teach  a  Turkish  unique  how  to  show 
visitors  around  an  English  fortress,  and  an  Eng- 

322 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

lish  ensign  in  a  Turkish  harem  would  bring  on 
a  world's  war,  they  are  so  different.  Well,  we 
went  through  tunnels  in  the  rock,  and  up  and 
down  elevators,  and  all  was  light  as  day  from 
electric  lights,  and  we  saw  ammunition  enough 
to  sink  all  the  ships  in  the  world,  if  it  could  be 
exploded  in  the  right  place,  and  they  have  provi 
sions  enough  stored  in  the  holes  in  the  rock  to 
keep  an  army  for  forty  years  if  they  didn't  get 
ptomaine  poisoned  from  eating  canned  stuff.  It 
was  all  a  revelation  to  dad,  and  when  we  got  all 
through,  and  got  out  into  the  sunlight,  we 
breathed  free,  and  when  dad  got  his  second  wind 
he  broke  up  the  English  officers  by  taking  out  a 
pencil  and  piece  of  paper,  and  asked  them  what 
they  would  take  for  the  rock  and  its  contents,  and 
move  out,  and  let  the  American  flag  float  over  it. 
Well,  say,  they  were  hot,  and  they  told  dad  to 
go  plum  to  'ell,  but  dad  wouldn't  do  it.  He  said 
America  didn't  want  the  old  stone  quarry,  any 
way,  and  if  it  did  it  could  come  and  take  it. 
I  guess  they  would  have  had  dad  arrested  for 
treason,  only  when  we  got  out  into  the  town 
there  was  the  whole  British  Atlantic  squadron 
lined  up,  with  the  men  up  in  the  rigging  like  mon 
keys,  and  every  vessel  was  firing  a  salute,  as  a 
yacht  came  steaming  by.  Dad  thought  war  had 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

surely  broke  out,  or  that  some  rich  American 
owned  the  yacht,  but  it  turned  out  to  be  Queen 
Alexandria  and  a  party  of  tourists,  and  when 
the  band  played  "God  Save  the  Queen,"  dad  got 
up  on  his  hind  legs  and  sang  so  loud  you  would 
think  he  would  split  hisself,  and  a  fellow  went 
up  and  threw  his  arms  around  dad,  and  began  to 
weep,  and  the  tears  came  in  dad's  eyes,  and  an 
other  fellow  pinched  dad's  watch,  and  the  cele 
bration  closed  with  everybody  getting  drunk,  and 
the  queen  sailed  away.  Say,  we  are  going  to 
Spain,  on  the  next  boat,  and  you  watch  the  pa 
pers.  We  will  probably  be  hung  for  taking  Cuba 
and  the  Phillipines. 

Yours,  HENNERY. 


324 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  of  Spain — They  Call  on  the  King 

And  the  Bad  Boy  is  at  it  Once  More — They  See  a 

Bull  Fight  and  Dad  Does  a  Turn. 

Madrid,  Spain. — My  Dear  Uncle:  You  prob 
ably  think  we  are  taking  our  lives  in  our  hands  by 
coming  to  Spain,  so  soon  after  the  Cuban  war,  in 
which  President  Roosevelt  charged  up  San  Juan 
Hill,  in  the  face  of  over  thirty  bloodthirsty  Span 
iards,  and  captured  the  blockhouse  on  the  sum 
mit  of  the  hill,  which  was  about  as  big  as  a 
switchman's  shanty,  and  wouldn't  hold  two 
platoons  of  infantry,  of  twelve  men  to  the  pla 
toon,  without  crowding,  and  which  closed  the 
war,  after  the  navy  had  everlastingly  paralyzed 
the  Spanish  vessels,  and  sunk  them  in  wet  water, 
and  picked  up  the  crews  and  run  them  through 
clothes-wringers  to  dry  them  out;  but  we  are  as 
safe  here  as  we  would  be  on  South  Clark  street, 
in  Chicago.  Do  you  know,  when  I  read  of  that 
charge  of  our  troops  up  San  Juan  hill,  headed 
by  our  peerless  bear-hunter,  I  thought  it  was 
like  the  battle  of  Gettysburg,  where  hundreds  of 

325 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

thousands  of  men  fought  on  each  side,  and  I 
classed  Roosevelt  with  Grant,  Sheridan,  Sher 
man,  Meade  and  Thomas,  and  all  that  crowd,  but 
one  day  I  got  talking  with  a  veteran  of  the  Span 
ish-American  war,  who  promptly  deserted  after 
every  pay  day,  and  re-enlisted  after  he  had  spent 
his  money,  and  he  didn't  do  a  thing  to  my  ideas  of 
the  importance  of  that  battle.  He  told  me  it  was 
only  a  little  skirmish,  like  driving  in  a  picket  post, 
and  that  there  were  not  Spaniards  enough  there 
to  have  a  roll  call,  not.  so  many  Spanish  soldiers 
as  there  were  American  newspaper  correspond 
ents  on  our  side,  that  only  a  few  were  killed  and 
wounded,  and  that  a  dozen  soldiers  in  an  army 
wagon  could  have  driven  up  San  Juan  hill  with 
firecrackers  and  scared  the  Spaniards  out  of  the 
country,  and  that  a  part  of  a  negro  regiment  did 
pretty  near  all  the  shooting,  while  our  officers  did 
the  yelling,  and  had  their  pictures  taken,  caught 
in  the  act.  So  I  have  quit  talking  of  the  heroism 
of  our  army  in  Cuba,  because  it  makes  everybody 
laugh  and  they  speak  of  Shafter  and  Roosevelt, 
and  hunch  up  their  shoulders,  and  say,  "  bah," 
but  when  you  talk  about  the  navy,  and  Schley, 
and  Sampson,  and  Clark,  and  Bob  Evans,  they 
take  off  their  hats  and  their  faces  are  full  of  ad 
miration,  and  they  say,  "  magnificent,"  and  ask 

326 


"He  handed  her  a  five  dollar  gold  piece  and  went  out  doors  for 
a  breath  of  fresh  air." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

you  to  take  a  drink.  Gee,  but  dad  got  his  foot  in 
it  by  talking  about  the  blowing  up  of  the  Maine, 
and  looking  saucy,  as  though  he  was  going  to  get 
even  with  the  Spaniards,  but  he  found  that  every 
Spaniard  was  as  sorry  for  that  accident  as  we 
were,  and  they  would  take  off  their  hats  when 
the  Maine  was  mentioned,  and  look  pained  and 
heart-sick.  I  tell  you  the  Spaniards  are  about  as 
good  people  as  you  will  find  anywhere,  and  dad 
has  concluded  to  fall  back  on  Christopher  Colum 
bus  for  a  steady  diet  of  talk,  cause  if  it  had  not 
been  for  Chris  we  wouldn't  have  been  discovered 
to  this  day,  which  might  have  been  a  darn  good 
thing  for  us.  But  the  people  here  do  not  recall 
the  fact  that  there  ever  was  a  man  named  Chris 
topher  Columbus,  and  they  don't  know  what  he 
ever  discovered,  or  where  the  country  is  that  he 
sailed  away  to  find,  unless  they  are  educated,  and 
familiar  with  ancient  history,  and  only  once  in 
a  while  will  you  find  anybody  that  is  educated. 
The  children  of  America  know  more  about  the 
history  of  Spain  than  the  Spanish  children.  This 
country  reminds  you  of  a  play  on  the  stage,  the 
grandees  in  their  picturesque  costumes,  though 
few  in  number,  compared  to  the  population,  are 
the  whole  thing,  and  the  people  you  see  on  the 
stage  with  the  grandees,  in  peasant  costume, 

328 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

peddling  oranges  and  figs,  you  find  here  in  the 
life  of  Spain,  looking  up  to  the  grandees  as 
though  they  were  gods.  Every  peasant  carries 
a  knife  in  some  place,  concealed  about  him,  and 
no  two  carry  their  toad  stabbers  in  the  same 
place.  If  you  see  a  man  reach  his  finger  under 
his  collar  to  scratch  his  neck,  the  chances  are  his 
fingers  touch  the  handle  of  his  dagger,  and  if  he 
hitches  up  his  pants,  his  dagger  is  there,  and  if 
he  pulls  up  his  trousers  leg  to  scratch  for  a  flea, 
you  can  bet  your  life  his  knife  is  right  handy,  and 
if  you  have  any  trouble  you  don't  know  where 
the  knife  is  coming  from,  as  you  do  about  an 
American  revolver,  when  one  of  our  citizens 
reaches  for  his  pistol  pocket.  Spaniards  are 
nervous  people,  on  the  move  all  the  time,  and  it 
is  on  account  of  fleas.  Every  man,  woman  and 
child  contains  more  than  a  million  fleas,  and  as 
they  can't  scratch  all  the  time,  they  keep  on  the 
move,  hoping  the  fleas  will  jump  off  on  somebody 
else.  When  we  came  here  we  were  flealess,  but 
every  person  we  have  come  near  to  seems  to  have 
contributed  some  fleas  to  us,  until  now  we  are 
loaded  down  with  them,  and  we  find  in  our  room 
at  the  hotel  a  box  of  insect  powder,  which  is 
charged  in  with  the  candles.  The  king,  who  is  a 
boy  about  three  years  older  than  I  am,  is  full  of 

329 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

fleas,  too,  and  he  jumps  around  from  one  place 
to  another,  like  he  was  shaking  himself  to  get 
rid  of  them.  He  gets  up  in  the  morning  and  goes 
out  horseback  riding,  and  jumps  fences  and  rides 
up  and  down  the  marble  steps  of  the  public  build 
ings,  as  though  he  wanted  to  make  the  fleas  feel 
in  danger,  so  they  will  leave  him.  Seems  to  me 
if  every  man  kept  as  many  dogs  as  they  do  in 
Constantinople,  the  fleas  would  take  to  the  dogs, 
but  they  say  here  that  fleas  will  leave  a  dog  to 
get  on  a  human  being,  because  they  like  the  smell 
of  garlic,  as  every  Spaniard  eats  garlic  a  dozen 
times  a  day.  They  are  trying  to  teach  dogs  to 
eat  garlic,  but  no  self-respecting  dog  will  touch 
it.  We  have  had  to  fill  up  on  garlic  in  order  to 
be  able  to  talk  with  the  people,  cause  dad  got  sea 
sick  the  first  day  here,  everybody  smelled  so 
oniony.  Dad  wanted  a  druggist  to  put  up  onions 
in  capsules,  like  they  do  quinine,  so  he  could  take 
onions  and  not  taste  them,  but  he  couldn't  make 
the  man  understand.  There  ought  to  be  a  law 
against  any  person  eating  onions,  unless  he  is 
under  a  death  sentence.  But  you  can  stand  a 
man  with  the  onion  habit,  after  you  get  used  to  it. 
It  is  a  woman,  a  beautiful  woman,  one  you  would 
like  to  have  take  you  on  your  lap  and  pet  you,  that 
ought  to  know  better  than  to  eat  onions.  Gee, 

330 


Dad  started  to  run  for  the  fence: 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

but  when  you  see  a  woman  that  is  so  beautiful  it 
makes  her  ache  to  carry  her  beauty  around,  and 
you  get  near  to  her  and  expect  to  breathe  the 
odor  of  roses  and  violets,  that  makes  you  tired 
when  she  opens  her  mouth  to  say  soft  words  of 
love,  and  there  comes  to  your  nostrils  the  odor  of 
onions.  Do  you  know,  nothing  would  make  me 
commit  suicide  so  quick  as  to  have  a  wife  who 
habitually  loaded  herself  with  onions.  Dad  was 
buying  some  candy  for  me  at  a  confectioner  shop, 
of  a  beautiful  Spanish  woman,  and  when  he  asked 
how  much  it  was,  she  bent  over  towards  him  in 
the  most  bewitching  manner  and  breathed  in  his 
face  and  said,  "  Quatro-realis,  seignor,"  which 
meant  "  four  bits,  mister,"  and  he  handed  her  a 
five-dollar  gold  piece,  and  went  outdoors  for  a 
breath  of  fresh  air,  and  let  her  keep  the  change. 
He  said  she  was  welcome  to  the  four  dollars  and 
fifty  cents  if  she  would  not  breathe  towards  him 
again. 

Well,  we  have  taken  in  the  town,  looked  at  the 
cathedrals,  attended  the  sessions  of  the  cortez, 
and  the  gambling  houses,  saw  the  people  sell  the 
staple  products  of  the  country,  which  are  prunes, 
tomatoes  and  wine.  The  people  do  not  care  what 
happens  as  long  as  they  have  a  quart  of  wine.  In 
some  countries  the  question  of  existence  is  bread, 

332 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

but  in  Spain  it  is  wine.  No  one  is  so  poor  they 
cannot  have  poor  wine,  and  with  wine  nothing 
else  is  necessary,  but  a  piece  of  cheese  and  bread 
helps  the  w^ine  some,  though  either  could  be  dis 
pensed  with.  In  some  countries  "  wine,  women 
and  song  "  are  all  that  is  necessary  to  live.  Here 
it  is  wine,  cheese  and  an  onion.  We  went  to  see 
the  king,  because  he  is  such  a  young  boy,  and 
dad  thought  it  would  encourage  the  ruler  to  see 
an  American  statesman,  and  to  mingle  with  an 
American  boy  who  could  give  him  cards  and 
spades,  and  little  casino,  and  beat  him  at  any 
game.  I  made  dad  put  on  a  lot  of  badges  we  had 
collected  in  our  town  when  there  were  conven 
tions  held  there,  and  when  they  were  all  pinned 
on  dad's  breast  he  looked  like  an  admiral.  There 
was  a  badge  of  Modern  Woodmen,  one  of  the 
Hardware  Dealers'  Association,  one  of  the 
Wholesale  Druggists,  one  of  the  Amalgamated 
Association  of  Railway  Trainmen,  one  of  the 
Farmers'  Alliance,  one  of  the  Butter  and  Cheese- 
men's  Convention,  one  of  the  State  Undertakers' 
Guild,  and  half  a  dozen  others  in  brass,  bronze 
and  tin,  on  various  colored  ribbons.  Say,  do  you 
know,  when  they  ushered  us  into  the  throne  room 
at  the  palace,  and  the  little  king,  who  looked  like 
a  student  in  the  high  school,  with  dyspepsia  from 

333 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

overstudy  and  cake  between  meals,  saw  dad,  he 
thought  he  was  the  most  distinguished  American 
he  had  ever  seen,  and  he  invited  dad  up  beside 
him  on  the  throne,  and  dad  sat  in  the  chair  that 
the  queen  will  sit  in  when  the  boy  king  gets  mar 
ried,  and  I  sat  down  on  a  front  seat  and  watched 
dad.  Dad  had  read  in  the  papers  that  the  boy 
king  wanted  to  marry  an  American  girl  who  was 
the  possessor  of  a  lot  of  money,  so  dad  began  to 
tell  the  king  of  girls  in  America  that  were  more 
beautiful  than  any  in  the  world,  and  had  hun 
dreds  of  millions  of  cold  dollars,  and  an  appetite 
for  raw  kings,  and  that  he  could  arrange  a  match 
for  the  king  that  would  make  him  richer  than 
any  king  on  any  throne.  The  boy  king  was  be 
coming  interested,  and  I  guess  dad  would  have 
had  him  married  off  all  right,  if  the  king  had  not 
seen  me  take  out  a  bag  of  candy  and  begin  to  eat, 
when  he  said  to  me,  "  Come  up  here,  Bub,  and 
give  me  some  of  that."  Gosh,  but  I  trembled  like 
a  leaf,  but  I  went  right  up  the  steps  of  the  throne 
and  handed  him  the  bag,  and  said,  "Help  your 
self,  Bub."  Well,  sir,  the  queerest  thing  hap 
pened.  I  had  bought  two  pieces  of  candy  filled 
with  cayenne  pepper,  for  April  fool,  and  the  king 
handed  the  bag  to  the  master  of  ceremonies,  a  big 
Spaniard  all  covered  over  with  gold  lace,  and  if 

334 


The  King  got  one  piece  of  the  cayenne  pepper  candy." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

you  will  believe  me  the  king  got  one  piece  of  the 
cayenne  pepper  candy,  and  that  spangled  prime 
minister  got  the  other,  and  the  king  chewed  his 
piece  first,  and  he  opened  his  mouth  like  a  dog 
that  has  picked  up  a  hot  boiled  egg  and  he  blew 
out  his  breath  to  cool  his  tongue  and  said, 
''Whoosh,"  and  strangled,  and  sputtered,  and 
then  the  prime  minister  he  got  his,  and  he  yelled 
murder  in  Spanish,  and  the  king  called  for  water, 
and  put  his  hands  on  his  stomach  and  had  a 
cramp,  and  the  other  man  he  tied  himself  up  in 
a  double  bowknot,  and  called  for  a  priest,  and  the 
king  said  he  would  have  to  go  to  the  chapel,  and 
the  fellows  who  were  guarding  the  king  took  him 
away,  breathing  hard,  and  red  in  the  face,  and 
dad  said  to  me,  "  What  the  bloody  hell  you  trying 
to  do  with  the  crowned  heads  ?  Cause  you  have 
poisoned  the  whole  bunch,  and  we  better  get 
out."  So  we  went  out  of  the  palace  while  the 
king's  retainers  were  filling  him  with  ice  water. 
Well,  they  got  the  cayenne  pepper  out  of  him, 
because  we  saw  him  at  the  bull  fight  in  the  after 
noon,  but  for  a  while  he  had  the  hottest  box  there 
ever  was  outside  of  a  freight  train,  and  if  he 
lives  to  be  as  old  as  Mr.  Methuselah  he  will 
always  remember  his  interview  with  little  Hen 
nery.  The  bull  fights  ain't  much.  Bulls  come 

336 


Tossed  him  over  the  fence." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

in  the  ring  mad  as  wet  hens,  cause  they  stick 
daggers  in  them,  and  they  bellow  around,  and 
the  Spaniards  dodge  and  shake  red  rags  at  them, 
and  after  a  bull  has  ripped  a  mess  of  bowels  out 
of  a  few  horses,  then  a  man  with  a  saber  stabs  the 
bull  between  the  shoulders,  and  he  drops  dead, 
and  the  crowd  cheers  the  assassin  of  the  bull,  and 
they  bring  in  another  bull.  Well,  sir,  dad  came 
mighty  near  his  finish  at  the  bull  fight.  When 
the  second  bull  came  in,  and  ripped  the  stomach 
out  of  a  blind  horse,  and  the  bull  was  just  charg 
ing  the  man  who  was  to  stab  it,  dad  couldn't  stand 
it  any  longer  and  he  climbed  right  over  into  the 
ring,  and  he  said :  "  Look  a  here,  you  heathen ; 
I  protest,  in  the  name  of  the  American  Humane 
Society,  against  this  cruelty  to  animals,  and  un 
less  this  business  stops  right  here  I  will  have  this 

place  pulled,  and "    Well,  sir,  you  would  of 

thought  that  bull  would  have  had  sense  enough 
to  see  that  dad  was  his  friend,  but  he  probably 
couldn't  understand  what  dad  was  driving  at, 
for  he  made  a  rush  for  dad,  and  dad  started  to 
run  for  the  fence,  and  the  bull  caught  dad  just 
like  dad  was  sitting  in  a  rocking  chair,  and 
tossed  him  over  the  fence,  and  dad's  pants  stayed 
on  the  bull's  horns,  and  dad  landed  in  amongst 
a  lot  of  male  and  female  grandees  and  everybody 

338 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

yelled,  "  Bravo,  Americano,"  and  the  police 
wrapped  a  blanket  around  dad's  legs  and  were 
going  to  take  him  to  the  emergency  hospital,  but 
I  claimed  dad,  and  took  him  to  the  hotel.  Dad  is 
ready  to  come  home  now.  He  says  he  is  through. 
Yours,  HENNERY. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

The  Bad  Boy  and  His  Dad  at  Berlin — They  Call  on 

Emperor  William  and  his  Family  and  the  Bad 

Boy  Plays  a  Joke  on  Them  All. 

Berlin,  Germany. — My  Dear  Old  Pumrner- 
nickel :  Now  we  have  got  pretty  near  home,  and 
you  would  enjoy  it  to  be  with  us,  because  you 
couldn't  tell  the  town  from  Milwaukee,  except 
for  the  military  precision  with  which  everything 
is  conducted,  where  you  never  take  a  glass  of  beer 
without  cracking  your  heels  together  like  a  sol 
dier,  and  giving  a  military  salute  to  the  bar 
tender,  who  is  the  commander-in-chief  of  all  who 
happen  to  patronize  his  bar.  Everybody  here 
acts  like  he  was  at  a  picnic  in  the  woods,  with  a 
large  barrel  of  beer,  with  perspiration  oozing 
down  the  outside,  and  a  spigot  of  the  largest  size, 
which  fills  a  schooner  at  one  turn  of  the  wrist, 
and  every  man  either  smiles  or  laughs  out  loud, 
and  you  feel  as  though  there  was  happiness  every 
where,  and  that  heaven  was  "right  here  in  this 
greatest  German  city.  There  is  laughter  every 
where,  except  when  the  Emperor  drives  by,  es- 

340 


"Every  man  smiles  or  laughs  out  loud" 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

corted  by  his  bodyguard,  on  the  finest  horses  in 
the  world;  then  every  citizen  on  the  street  stops 
smiling  and  laughing ;  all  stand  at  attention,  and 
every  face  takes  on  a  solemn,  patriotic,  almost  a 
fighting  look,  as  though  each  man  would  consider 
it  his  happiest  duty  and  pleasure  to  walk  right 
up  to  the  mouth  of  cannon  and  die  in  his  tracks 
for  his  pale-faced,  haggard  and  loved  Emperor. 
And  the  Emperor  never  smiles  on  his  subjects  as 
he  passes,  but  looks  into  every  eye  on  both  sides 
of  the  beautiful  street,  with  an  expression  of 
agony  on  his  face,  but  a  proud  light  in  his  eye,  as 
though  he  would  say,  "  Ach,  Gott,  but  they  are 
daisies,  and  they  would  fight  for  the  Fatherland 
with  the  last  breath  in  their  bodies." 

The  pride  of  the  people  in  that  moustached 
young  man,  with  the  look  of  suffering,  is  only 
equalled  by  the  pride  of  the  Emperor  in  every 
German  in  Germany,  or  anywhere  on  the  face  of 
the  globe.  There  is  none  of  the  "  Hello,  Bill! " 
such  as  we  have  in  America,  when  the  President 
drives  through  his  people,  many  of  whom  yell, 
"  Hello,  Teddy ! "  while  he  shows  his  teeth,  and 
laughs,  and  stands  up  in  his  carriage,  and  says, 
"  Hello,  Mike,"  as  he  recognizes  an  acquaintance. 
But  these  same  "  Hello,  Bill,"  Americans  are 
probably  just  as  loyal  to  their  chief,  whoever  he 

342 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

may  be,  and  would  fight  as  hard  as  the  loving 
Germans  would  for  their  hereditary  Emperor. 

I  suppose  there  is  somebody  working  in  Berlin, 
but  it  seems  to  us  that  the  whole  population,  so 
far  as  can  be  seen,  is  bent  on  enjoying  every  min 
ute,  walking  the  streets,  in  good  clothes,  giving 
military  salutes,  and  drinking  beer  between 
meals,  and  talking  about  what  Germany  would 
do  to  an  enemy  if  the  ever-present  chip,  on  the 
shoulder  should  be  knocked  off,  even  accidentally. 
But  they  all  seem  to  love  America,  and  when  we 
registered  at  the  hotel,  from  Milwaukee,  Wis., 
U.  S.  A.,  citizens  began  to  gather  around  us  and 
ask  about  relatives  at  our  home.  They  seem  to 
think  that  every  German  who  has  settled  in  Mil 
waukee  owns  a  brewery,  and  that  all  are  rich,  and 
that  some  day  they  will  come  back  to  Germany 
and  spend  the  money,  and  fight  for  the  Em 
peror. 

We  did  not  have  the  heart  to  tell  them  that  all 
the  Germans  in  Milwaukee  were  going  to  stay 
there  and  spend  their  money,  and  while  their 
hearts  were  still  warm  towards  the  Fatherland, 
they  loved  the  Stars  and  Stripes,  and  would  fight 
for  the  American  flag,  against  the  world,  and  that 
the  younger  Germans  spoke  the  German  lan 
guage,  if  it  all,  with  a  Yankee  accent.  Gee,  but 

343 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

wouldn't  the  people  of  Berlin  be  hot  under  the 
collar  if  they  knew  how  many  Germans  in  Amer 
ica  were  unfamiliar  with  the  make-up  of  the  Ger 
man  flag,  and  that  they  only  see  it  occasionally 
when  some  celebration  of  German  days  takes 
place. 

Well,  when  dad  saw  the  German  Emperor 
drive  down  the  great  street,  and  got  a  look  at 
his  face,  he  said,  "  Hennery,  I  have  got  to  see 
that  young  man  and  advise  him  to  go  and  con 
sult  a  doctor,"  and  so  we  made  arrangements  to 
go  to  the  Palace  and  see  the  Emperor  and  his 
son,  the  Crown  Prince,  who  will  before  long  take 
the  empire  on  his  shoulders,  if  William  is  as  sick 
as  he  looks.  You  don't  have  to  hire  any  mas 
querade  clothes  to  call  on  the  Emperor  of  Ger 
many,  like  you  do  when  you  visit  royalty  in 
Turkey  and  Egypt,  for  a  good  frock  coat  and  a 
silk  hat  will  take  you  anywhere  in  the  day  time, 
and  a  swallowtail  is  legal  tender  at  night ;  so  dad 
put  on  his  frock  coat  and  silk  hat,  just  as  he 
would  to  go  and  attend  an  afternoon  wedding  at 
home,  and  we  were  ushered  in  to  a  regular  par 
lor,  where  the  Emperor  was  having  fun  with  his 
children,  and  the  Empress  was  doing  some  needle 
work. 

Dad  supposed  we  would  have  to  talk  to  the 

344 


'So  this  is  the  Champion  Little  Devil  of  America." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

Emperor  and  the  Prince  through  an  interpreter, 
and  we  stood  there  waiting  for  some  one  to  break 
the  ice,  when  some  one  told  the  Emperor  that  an 
American  gentleman  and  his  boy  wanted  to  pay 
their  respects,  and  the  Emperor,  who  wore  an 
ordinary  dark  suit,  with  no  military  frills,  took 
one  of  the  young  Princes  he  had  been  playing 
with  across  his  knee  and  gave  him  a  couple  of 
easy  spanks,  in  fun,  and  the  whole  family  was 
laughing,  and  the  spanked  boy  "  tackled "  the 
Emperor  around  the  legs,  below  the  knee,  like  a 
football  player,  and  the  other  Princes  pulled  him 
off,  and  the  Emperor  came  up  to  dad,  smiling  as 
though  he  was  having  the  time  of  his  life,  and 
spoke  to  dad  in  the  purest  English,  and  said  he 
was  glad  to  see  the  "  Bad  Boy  "  man,  because  he 
had  read  all  about  the  pranks  of  the  Bad  Boy, 
and  bid  dad  welcome  to  Germany,  and  he  didn't 
look  sick  at  all. 

Dad  was  taken  all  of  a  heap,  and  didn't  know 
what  to  make  of  the  German  Emperor  talking 
English,  but  when  the  ruler  of  Germany  turned 
to  me  and  said,  "  And  so  this  is  the  champion 
little  devil  of  America,"  and  patted  me  on  the 
head,  dad  felt  that  he  had  struck  a  friend  of  the 
family,  and  he  sat  down  with  the  Emperor  and 
talked  for  half  an  hour,  while  the  young  Princes 

346 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

gathered  around  me,  and  we  sat  down  on  the 
floor  and  the  boys  got  out  their  knives,  and  we 
played  mumbletypeg  on  the  carpet,  just  as  though 
we  were  at  home,  and  all  the  boys  talked  English, 
and  we  had  a  bully  time.  The  princes  had  all 
read  "  Peck's  Bad  Boy"  and  I  think  the  Em 
peror  and  Empress  have  encouraged  them  in 
their  wickedness,  for  the  boys  told  me  of  several 
tricks  they  had  played  on  their  father,  the  Em 
peror,  which  they  had  copied  from  the  Bad  Boy, 
and  it  made  me  blush  when  they  told  of  initiating 
their  father  into  the  Masons,  the  way  my  chum 
and  I  initiated  dad  into  the  Masons  with  the  aid 
of  a  goat. 

I  asked  the  boys  how  their  dad  took  it,  and  told 
them  from  what  we  in  America  heard  about  the 
Emperor  of  Germany,  we  would  think  he  would 
kill  anybody  that  played  a  trick  on  him ;  but  they 
said  he  would  stand  anything  from  the  children, 
and  enjoy  it;  but  if  grown  men  attempted  to  mon 
key  with  him,  the  fur  would  fly.  The  Crown 
Prince  came  in  and  was  introduced  to  me,  and  he 
seemed  proud  to  see  me,  cause  his  uncle,  Prince 
Henry,  had  told  him  about  being  in  Milwaukee, 
and  how  all  the  women  in  that  town  were  the 
handsomest  he  had  ever  seen  in  his  trip  around 
the  world,  and  he  asked  me  if  it  was  so.  I  re- 

347 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

ferred  him  to  dad,  and  dad  told  him  the  women 
were  the  greatest  in  the  world,  and  then  dad 
made  his  usual  break.  He  said :  "  Look  ahere, 
Mister  Prince,  you  have  got  to  be  married  some 
day,  and  raise  a  family  to  hand  the  German  em 
pire  down  to,  and  my  advice  to  you  is  not  to  let 
them  saw  off  on  to  you  no  duchess  or  princess  as 
homely  as  a  hedge  fence,  with  no  ginger  in  her 
blood,  but  you  skip  out  to  America,  and  come  to 
Milwaukee,  and  I  will  introduce  you  to  girls  that 
are  so  handsome  they  will  make  you  toe  the  mark, 
and  if  you  marry  one  of  them  she  will  raise  a 
family  of  healthy  young  royalty  with  no  humor 
in  the  blood,  and  you  won't  have  to  go  off  and  be 
gay  away  from  home,  cause  an  American  wife 
will  take  you  by  the  ear  if  you  show  any  signs  of 
wandering  from  your  own  fireside,  like  lots  of 
your  relatives  have  done." 

Gee,  but  that  made  the  Emperor  hot,  and  he 
said  dad  needn't  instill  any  of  his  American  ideas 
into  the  German  nobility,  as  he  could  run  things 
all  right  without  any  help,  and  dad  got  ready  to 
go,  cause  the  atmosphere  was  getting  sort  of 
chilly,  but  the  Emperor  soon  got  over  his  huff, 
and  told  dad  not  to  hurry,  and  then  he  turned  to 
me  and  said,  "  Now,  little  American  Bad  Boy, 
what  kind  of  a  trick  are  you  going  to  play  on  me, 

348 


"Dad  and  Emperor  WiUiam  stood  watching  themselves. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

cause  from  what  I  have  read  of  you  I  know  you 
will  never  go  out  of  this  house  without  giving  me 
a  benefit,  and  all  my  boys  expect  it,  and  will  enjoy 
it,  the  same  as  I  will;  now,  let  'er  go." 

I  felt  that  it  was  up  to  me  to  do  something  to 
maintain  the  reputation  I  had  made,  so  I  said, 
"  Your  majesty,  I  will  now  proceed  to  make  it 
interesting  for  you,  if  you  and  the  boys  will 
kindly  be  seated  in  a  circle  around  me."  They 
got  into  a  circle,  all  laughing,  and  I  took  out  of 
my  pistol  pocket  a  half  pint  flask,  of  glass,  cov 
ered  with  leather,  and  with  a  stopper  that  opened 
by  touching  a  spring,  and  I  walked  around  in 
front  of  each  one  of  the  Royal  family,  mumbling, 
"  Ene-mene-mony-my,"  and  opening  the  flask  in 
front  of  each  one,  and  pretty  soon  they  all  began 
to  get  nervous,  and  scratch  themselves,  and  the 
Emperor  slapped  his  leg,  and  pinched  his  arm,  and 
put  his  fingers  down  his  collar  and  scratched  his 
neck,  and  the  Crown  Prince  jumped  up  and 
kicked  his  leg,  and  scratched  his  back,  and  said, 
"  Say,  kid,  you  are  not  hypnotizing  us,  are  you  ?" 
and  I  said,  "  Ene-meny-mony-my,"  and  kept  on 
touching  the  stopper. 

By  and  by  they  all  got  to  scratching,  and  the 
Emperor  turned  sort  of  pale,  but  he  was  going 
to  see  the  show  through  to  the  end,  as  long  as  he 

350 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

had  a  ticket,  and  he  said,  "  What  is  the  joke,  any 
way  ?"  and  I  kept  on  saying,  "  Ene-mene-mony- 
my,"  and  walking  around  in  front  of  them,  and 
dad  began  to  dance  around,  too,  and  dig  under 
his  shirt  bosom,  and  scratch  his  leg,  and  then 
they  all  scratched  in  unison,  and  laughed,  and  a 
little  prince  asked  how  long  before  they  would 
know  what  it  was  all  about,  and  I  said  my  ene- 
mene,  and  looked  solemn,  and  dad  said,  "  What 
you  giving  us  ?"  and  I  said,  "  Never  you  mind  ; 
this  is  my  show,  and  I  am  the  whole  push,"  and 
everybody  had  raised  up  out  of  his  chair  and  each 
was  scratching  for  all  that  was  out,  and  finally  the 
Emperor  said,  "  I  like  a  joke  as  well  as  anybody, 
but  I  can't  laugh  until  I  know  what  I  am  laugh 
ing  about,"  and  he  told  dad  to  make  me  show 
what  was  in  the  bottle,  and  I  showed  the  bottle 
and  there  was  nothing  in  it,  and  there  they  stood 
scratching  themselves,  and  I  told  dad  we  better 
excuse  ourselves  and  go,  and  we  were  going  all 
right  enough  when  dad  said,  "  What  is  it  you  are 
doing?"  and  as  we  got  almost  to  the  door  I  said, 
"  Your  majesty,  I  have  distributed,  impartially, 
I  trust,  in  the  Royal  family  of  Germany,  a  half  a 
pint  of  the  hungriest  fleas  that  Egypt  can  pro 
duce,  for  they  have  been  in  that  flask  three  weeks, 
with  nothing  to  eat  except  themselves,  and  I  esti- 

351 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


mate  that  there  were  a  million  Cairo  fleas  in  the 
flask,  enough  to  set  up  housekeeping  in  your  pal 
ace,  with  enough  to  stock  the  palace  of  your 
Crown  Prince  when  he  is  married,  and  this  is  that 


"Dad  leaned  against  a  lamppost  and  scratched  his  back." 

you  may  remember  the  visit  of  Peck's  Bad  Boy 
and  his  Dad." 

The  Emperor  was  mad  at  first,  but  he  laughed, 
and  when  we  got  out  of  the  palace  dad  leaned 
against  a  lamp  post  and  scratched  his  back,  and 
said  to  me,  "  Hennery,  you  never  ought  to  have 

352 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

'did  it,"  and  I  said,  "  What  could  a  poor  boy  do 
when  called  upon  suddenly  to  do  something  to 
entertain  royalty?" 

"  Well,"  says  dad,  "  I  don't  care  for  myself, 
but  this  thing  is  apt  to  bring  on  international 
complications,"  and  I  said,  "  Yes,  it  will  bring 
Persia  into  it,  cause  they  will  have  to  use  Persian 
insect  powder  to  get  rid  of  them,"  and  then  we 
went  to  our  hotel  and  fought  fleas  all  night,  and 
thought  of  the  sleepless  night  the  royal  family 
were  having. 

Well,  so  long,  old  Pummernickel. 

Your  only,  HENNERY. 


353 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

The  Bad  Boy  Writes  from  Brussels — He  and  Dad  see 
the  Field  of  Waterloo  and  call  on  King  Leopold 
and  Dad  and  the  King  go  in  for  a  Swim — The  Bad 
Boy,  a  Dog  and  some  Goats  do  the  rest. 

Brussels,  Belgium.— Dear  Old  Skate:  "What 
is  the  matter  with  our  going  to  Belgium?"  said 
dad  to  me,  as  we  were  escaping  from  Germany. 
"Well,  what  in  thunder  do  we  want  to  go  to  Bel 
gium  for  ?  "  said  I  to  dad.  "  I  do  not  want  to  go 
to  a  country  that  has  no  visible  means  of  support, 
except  raising  Belgian  hares,  to  sell  to  cranks  in 
America.  I  couldn't  eat  rabbits  without  think 
ing  I  was  chewing  a  piece  of  house  cat,  and  rab 
bits  is  the  chief  food  of  the  people.  I  have  eaten' 
horse  and  mule  in  Paris,  and  wormy  figs  in 
Turkey,  and  embalmed  beef  fried  in  candle 
grease  in  Russia,  and  sausage  in  Germany,  im 
ported  from  the  Leutgart  sausage  factory  in 
Chicago,  where  the  man  run  his  wife  through  a 
sausage  machine;  and  stuff  in  Egypt,  with 
ground  mummy  for  curry  powder,  but  I  draw 
the  line  on  Belgian  hares,  and  I  strike  right  here, 

354 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

and  shall  have  the  International  Union  of  Amal 
gamated  Tourists  declare  a  boycott  on  Belgium, 
by  gosh,"  said  I,  just  like  that,  bristling  up  to 
dad  real  spunky. 

"  You  are  going  to  Belgium  all  right,"  said 
dad,  as  he  took  hold  of  my  thumb  in  a  Jiu  Jitsu 
fashion,  and  twisted  it  backwards  until  I  fairly 
penuked,  and  held  it,  while  he  said  he  should  never 
dare  go  home  without  visiting  King  Leopold's 
kingdom,  and  had  a  talk  with  an  eighty-year-old 
male  flirt,  who  had  a  thousand  chorus  girls  on  his 
staff,  and  could  give  the  Sultan  of  Turkey  cards 
and  spades  and  little  casino  in  the  harem  game. 
"You  will  go  along,  won't  you,  bub?"  and  he  gave 
my  thumb  another  twist,  and  I  said,  "  You  bet 
your  life,  but  I  won't  do  a  thing  to  you  and  Leo 
pold  before  we  get  out  of  the  Belgian  hare  belt," 
and  so  here  we  are,  looking  for  trouble. 

It  is  strange  we  never  hear  more  about  Bel 
gium  in  America,  but  actually  I  never  heard  of  a 
Belgian  settling  in  the  United  States.  There 
are  Irish,  and  Germans,  and  Norwegians,  and 
Italians,  and  men  of  all  other  countries,  but  I 
never  saw  a  Belgian  until  to-day,  and  it  does  you 
good  to  see  a  people  who  don't  do  anything  but 
work.  There  is  not  a  loafer  in  Belgium,  and 
every  man  has  smut  on  his  nose,  and  his  hands 

355 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


are  black  with  handling  iron,  or  something. 
There  is  no  law  against  people  going  away  from 
Belgium,  but  they  all  like  it  here,  and  seem  to 
think  there  is  no  other  country,  and  they  are 
happy,  and  work  from  choice. 


"Began  to  sell-  dad  relics  of  the  Battle  of  Waterloo" 

I  always  knew  the  Belgian  guns  that  sell  in 
America  for  twelve  shillings,  and  kill  at  both 
ends,  but  I  never  knew  they  made  things  here 
that  were  worth  anything,  but  dad  says  they  are 
better  fixed  here  for  making  everything  used  by 
civilized  people  than  any  country  on  earth,  and 

356 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

I  am  glad  to  be  here,  cause  you  get  notice  when 
you  are  going  to  be  robbed.  They  ring  a  bell 
here  every  minute  to  give  you  notice  that  some 
one  is  after  the  coin,  so  when  you  hear  a  bell 
ring,  if  you  hang  onto  your  pocketbook,  you 
don't  lose. 

This  is  the  place  where  "  There  was  a  sound 
of  revelry  at  night,  and  Belgium's  capitol  had 
gathered  there."  You  remember,  the  night  be 
fore  the  Battle  of  Waterloo,  when  Napoleon 
Bonaparte  got  his.  You  must  remember  about 
it,  old  man,  just  when  they  were  right  in  the 
midst  of  the  dance,  and  "  soft  eyes  looked  love 
to  -eyes  which  spake  again,"  and  they  were  taking 
a  champagne  bath,  inside  and  out,  when  sudden 
ly  the  opening  guns  of  Waterloo,  twelve  miles 
away,  began  to  boom,  and  the  poet,  who  was 
present,  said,  "  But  hush,  hark,  a  deep  sound  like 
a  rising  knell,"  and  everybody  turned  pale  and  be 
gan  to  stampede,  when  the  floor  manager  said, 
"  Tis  but  the  wind,  or  the  car  on  the  stony  street, 
on  with  the  dance,  let  joy  be  unconfined,  no  sleep 
till  morn,  when  youth  and  pleasure  meet,  to 
chase  the  glowing  hours  with  flying  feet." 

Well,  sir,  this  is  the  place  where  that  ball  took 
place,  which  is  described  in  the  piece  I  used  to 
speak  in  school,  but  I  never  thought  I  would  be 

357 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

here,  right  where  the  dancers  got  it  in  the  neck. 
When  dad  found  that  the  battlefield  of  Waterloo 
was  only  a  few  miles  away,  he  hired  a  wagon 
and  we  went  out  there.  Well,  sir,  of  all  the 
frauds  we  have  run  across  on  this  trip  the  bat 
tlefield  of  Waterloo  is  the  worst.  When  the 
farmers  who  are  raising  barley  and  baled  hay  on 
the  battlefield,  saw  us  coming,  they  dropped  their 
work  and  made  a  rush  for  us,  and  one  fellow 
yelled  something  in  the  Belgian  language  that 
sounded  like,  "  I  saw  them  first,"  and  he  got  hold 
of  dad  and  me,  and  the  rest  stood  off  like  a  lot  of 
hack  drivers  that  have  seen  a  customer  fall  into 
the  hands  of  another  driver,  and  made  up  faces 
at  us,  and  called  the  farmer  who  had  caught  us 
the  vilest  names.  They  said  we  would  be  skinned 
to  a  finish  by  the  faker  who  got  us,  and  they  were 
right. 

He  show  d  us  from  a  high  hill,  where  the  dif 
ferent  portions  of  the  battle  were  fought,  and 
where  they  caught  Napoleon  Bonaparte,  and 
where  Blucher  came  up  and  made  things  hum  in 
the  German  language,  and  then  he  took  us  off  to 
his  farm  where  the  most  of  the  relics  were  found, 
and  began  to  sell  things  to  dad,  until  he  had  filled 
the  hind  end  of  the  wagon  with  bullets  and  grape- 
shot,  sabres  and  bayonets,  old  rusty  rifles,  and 

358 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

everything  dad  wanted,  and  we  had  enough  to 
fill  a  museum,  and  when  the  farmer  had  got  dad's 
money  we  went  back  to  Brussels,  and  got  our 
stuff  unloaded  at  the  hotel.  Say,  when  we  came 
to  look  it  over  we  found  two  rusty  Colt's  revol 
vers,  and  guns  of  modern  construction,  which 
have  been  bought  on  battlefields  in  all  countries, 
and  properly  rusted  to  sell  to  tourists.  I  showed 
dad  that  the  revolver  was  unknown  at  the  time 
of  the  battle  of  Waterloo,  and  that  every  article 
he  had  bought  was  a  fraud,  the  sabers  having 
been  made  in  America,  before  the  war  of  the  re 
bellion,  and  dad  was  mad,  and  gave  the  stuff  to 
the  porter  of  the  hotel,  who  charged  dad  seven 
dollars  for  taking  it  away. 

Dad  kept  one  three-cornered  hat  that  the 
farmer  told  him  Bonaparte  lost  when  his  horse 
stampeded  with  him,  and  it  drifted  under  a 
barbed  wire  fence,  where  it  had  lain  t'titil  the  day 
before  we  visited  the  battlefield.  Say,  that  hat 
is  as  good  as  new,  and  dad  says  it  is  worth  all  the 
stuff  cost,  but  I  would  not  be  found  dead  wearing 
it,  cause  it  is  all  out  of  style. 

We  have  seen  the  King  of  Belgium,  and  actu 
ally  got  the  worth  of  our  money.  He  is  an  old 
dandy,  and  looks  like  a  Philadelphia  Quaker,  only 
he  is  not  as  pious  as  a  Quaker.  Dad  wrote  to  the 

359 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

King  and  said  he  was  a  distinguished  American, 
traveling  for  his  health,  and  had  a  niece  who  had 
frequently  visited  Belgium  with  an  opera  com 
pany,  and  she  had  spoken  of  the  King,  and  dad 
wanted  to  talk  over  matters  that  might  be  of  in- 


"  The  King  began  to  peel  off  his  clothes  and  Dad  took  off  his" 

terest  both  to  Belgium  and  to  America.  Well, 
the  messenger  came  back  and  said  dad  couldn't 
get  to  the  palace  a  minute  too  quick,  and  so  we 
went  over,  and  as  we  were  going  through  the 
park  we  saw  an  old  man,  in  citizen's  clothes,  sit 
ting  on  a  bench,  patting  the  head  of  a  boar 

360 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

hound,  and  when  he  saw  us  he  said,  "  Come  here, 
Uncle  Sam,  and  let  my  dog  chew  your  pants." 
r  Dad  thought  it  must  be  some  lunatic,  and  was 
going  to  make  a  sneak,  and  get  out,  when  the 
man  rose  up  and  we  saw  it  was  the  King,  and 
we  went  up  to  him  and  sat  down  on  the  bench, 
and  he  asked  dad  if  he  had  come  as  the  relative 
of  the  opera  singer,  to  commence  suit  against  the 
King  for  breach  of  promise,  or  to  settle  for  a 
money  consideration,  remarking  that  he  had  al 
ways  rather  pay  cash  than  to  have  any  fuss  made 
about  these  little  matters.  Dad  told  him  he  had 
no  claim  against  him  for  alienating  anybody's 
affections,  or  for  breach  of  promise,  and  that  all 
he  wanted  was  to  have  a  little  talk  with  the  King, 
and  find  out  how  a  King  lived,  and  how  he  had 
any  fun  in  running  the  king  business,  at  his  age, 
and  they  sat  down  and  began  to  talk  as  friendly 
as  two  old  chums,  while  the  dog  played  tag  with 
me.  We  found  that  the  King  was  a  regular  boy, 
and  that  instead  of  his  mind  being  occupied  by 
affairs  of  state,  or  his  African  concessions  in  the 
Congo  country,  where  he  owns  a  few  million 
slaves  who  steal  ivory  for  him,  and  murder  other 
tribes,  he  was  enjoying  life  just  as  he  did  when 
he  was  a  barefooted  boy,  fishing  for  perch  at  the 
old  mill  pond,  and  when  he  mentioned  his  career 

361 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

as  a  boy,  and  his  enjoyments,  dad  told  about  his 
youth,  and  how  he  never  got  so  much  pleasure 
in  after  life  as  he  did  when  he  had  a  stone  bruise 
on  his  heel,  and  went  off  into  the  woods  and  cut 
a  tamarack  pole  and  caught  sunfish  till  the  cows 
came  home. 

The  King  brightened  up  and  told  dad  he  had  a 
pond  in  the  palace  grounds,  stocked  with  old- 
fashioned  fish,  and  every  day  he  took  off  his 
shoes  and  rolled  up  his  pants,  and  with  nothing 
on  but  a  shirt  and  pants  held  up  by  one  suspen 
der  of  striped  bed  ticking,  he  went  out  in  a  boat 
and  fished  as  he  did  when  a  boy,  with  a  bent  pin 
for  a  hook,  and  he  was  never  so  happy  as  when 
so  engaged,  and  they  could  all  have  their  grand 
functions,  and  balls,  and  dinners,  and  Turkish 
baths,  if  they  wanted  them,  but  give  him  the  old 
swimming  hole.  "  Me,  too,"  said  dad,  and  as 
dad  looked  down  into  the  park  he  saw  a  little 
lake,  and  dad  held  up  two  fingers,  just  as  boys  do 
when  they  mean  to  say,  "Come  on,  let's  go  in 
swimming,"  and  the  King  said,  "  I'll  go  you," 
and  they  locked  arms  and  started  through  the 
woods  to  the  little  lake,  and  the  dog  and  I  fol 
lowed. 

Well,  sir,  you'd  a  dide  to  see  dad  and  Leopold 
make  a  rush  for  that  swimming  place.  The  King 

362 


'When  the  goats  began  to  chew  the  clothes  I  took  the  dog  and 
went  back." 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

put  his  hand  in  the  water,  and  said  it  was  fine, 
and  began  to  peel  his  clothes  off,  and  dad  took  off 
his  clothes  and  the  King  made  a  jump  and  went 
in  all  over,  and  came  up  with  his  eyes  full  of 
water,  strangling  because  he  did  not  hold  his 
nose,  and  then  dad  made  a  leap  and  splashed  the 
water  like  an  elephant  had  fallen  in,  and  there 
those  two  old  men  were  in  the  lake,  just  like  kids. 
"  I'll  swim  you  a  match  to  the  other  side,"  said 
the  King.  "It's  a  go,"  said  dad,  and  they  started 
porpoising  across  the  little  lake,  and  then  I 
thought  it  was  time  there  was  something  doing; 
so  I  got  busy  and  tied  their  clothes  in  knots  so 
tight  you  couldn't  get  them  untied  without  an 
act  of  parliament.  They  went  ashore  on  the  op 
posite  side  of  the  lake,  cause  some  women  were 
driving  through  the  grounds,  and  then  I  found 
a  flock  of  goats  grazing  on  the  lawn,  and  the  dog 
and  I  drove  them  to  where  the  clothes  were  tied 
in  knots,  and  when  the  goats  began  to  chew  the 
clothes  I  took  the  dog  and  went  back  to  the  en 
trance  of  the  park,  and  dad  and  the  King  swam 
back  to  where  the  clothes  and  the  goats  were, 
and  when  they  drove  the  goats  away,  and  couldn't 
untie  the  knots,  the  King  gave  the  grand  hailing 

364 


FECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

sign  of  distress,  or  something,  and  the  guards 
of  the  palace  and  some  cavalry  came  oh  the  run, 
and  the  park  seemed  filled  with  an  army,  and  I 
bid  the  dog  good-bye,  and  went  back  to  the  hotel 
alone  and  waited  for  dad. 

Dad  didn't  get  back  till  after  dark,  and  when 
he  came  he  had  on  a  suit  of  the  King's  clothes, 
too  tight  around  the  stomach,  and  too  long  in  the 
legs,  cause  dad  is  pusey,  and  the  King  is  long- 
geared  "  Did  you  have  a  good  time,  dad  ?  "  says 
I,  and  he  said,  "  Haven't  you  got  any  respect  for 
age,  condemn  you?  The  King  has  ordered  that 
you  be  fed  to  the  animals  in  the  zoo."  I  told  him 
I  didn't  care  a  darn  what  they  did  with  me;  I 
had  been  brought  up  to  tie  knots  in  clothes  when 
I  saw  people  in  swimming,  and  I  didn't  care 
whether  they  were  crowned  heads  or  just  plain 
dubs,  and  I  asked  dad  how  they  got  along  when 
their  clothes  were  chewed  up.  He  said  the  sol 
diers  covered  them  with  pouches  and  got  them  to 
the  palace,  and  they  had  supper,  he  and  the  King, 
and  the  servants  brought  out  a  lot  of  clothes  and 
he  got  the  best  fit  he  could.  I  asked  him  if  the 
King  was  actually  mad,  and  he  said  no,  that  he 
always  enjoyed  such  things,  and  wanted  dad  and 

365 


"/'//  swim  you  a  match  to  the  other  side"  said  the  King. 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

I  to  come  the  next  day  and  go  fishing  with  him, 
barefooted.  Say,  dad  can  go,  but  I  wouldn't  be 
caught  by  that  King  on  a  bet.  He  would  get 
even,  sure,  cause  he  has  a  look  in  his  eye  like  they 
have  in  a  sanitarium.  Not  any  king  business  for 
your  little  HENNERY. 


367 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

The  Bad  Boy's  Delayed  Letter  about  Holland  and 

Cuba — Dad  and  the  Boy  go  for  a  Drive  in  a 

Dogcart — They    have    a    Great    Time — 

Land  in  Cuba  and  See  the  Island 

we  Fought  for. 

HAVANA,  CUBA. 
MY  DEAR  OLD  GREASER: 

We  stopped  in  Holland  for  a  couple  of  days 
after  we  left  Belgium,  and  it  was  the  most  disap 
pointing  country  we  visited  on  our  whole  trip. 
We  expected  to  be  walked  on  with  wooden  shoes, 
and  from  what  we  had  heard  of  that  Duke  that 
married  Queen  Wilhelmina,  we  thought  we  were 
going  to  a  country  where  men  were  cruel  to  their 
wives,  and  swatted  them  over  the  head  when 
things  didn't  go  right,  but  when  we  saw  the  queen 
riding  with  her  husband,  as  free  from  ostenta 
tion  as  a  department  store  clerk  would  ride  out 
with  his  cash  girl  wife,  and  saw  happiness  beam 
ing  on  the  face  of  the  queen  and  her  husband,  and 
saw  them  squeeze  hands  and  look  lovingly  into 
each  other's  eyes,  we  made  up  our  minds  that  you 
couldn't  believe  these  newspaper  scandals.  And 

368 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

when  we  saw  the  broad-shouldered,  broad-chested 
and  broad-everywhere  women  of  Holland  we  con 
cluded  that  it  would  be  a  brave  or  reckless  hus 
band  who  would  be  unkind  to  one  of  them,  and 
mighty  dangerous  because  the  women  are 
stronger  than  the  men,  and  any  woman  could 
whip  four  men  at  the  drop  of  the  hat,  because 
she  could  take  off  her  wooden  shoes  and  strike 
out  and  a  man  would  think  he  had  been  hit  by 
a  railroad  tie. 

I  do  not  know  what  makes  Hollanders  wear 
wooden  shoes,  unless  they  are  sentenced  to 
do  it,  or  that  they  are  unruly,  and  have  to 
be  hobbled,  to  keep  them  from  jumping  fences, 
but  the  people  are  so  good  and  honest  that  after 
you  have  met  them  you  forget  the  vaudeville  fea 
ture  of  their  costumes,  and  love  them,  and  wish 
the  people  of  other  countries  were  as  honest  as 
they.  For  two  or  three  days  we  were  not  robbed, 
and  I  do  not  believe  there  is  a  dishonest  man  or 
woman  in  Holland,  except  one.  There  was  one 
woman  that  played  it  on  dad  in  Amsterdam,  but 
I  think  she  only  played  him  for  a  sucker  for  a 
joke,  for  she  laughed  all  the  time. 

Dad  was  much  struck  at  seeing  the  women 
selling  milk  from  little  carts,  hauled  by  teams  of 
big  dogs,  and  he  negotiated  with  a  woman  for  a 

369 


"More  fun  than  I  ever  had  outside  a  circus" 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

<iog  team  and  cart,  and  all  one  day  dad  and  I  put 
on  wooden  shoes,  and  Dutch  clothes  and  drove 
the  dog  team  around  town,  and  we  had  the  time 
of  our  lives,  more  fun  than  I  ever  had  outside  of  a 
circus,  but  the  shoes  skinned  our  feet,  and  when 
the  dogs  laid  down  to  rest,  and  dad  couldn't  talk 
dog  language  to  make  them  get  up  and  go  ahead, 
he  kicked  the  off  dog  with  his  wooden  shoe,  and 
the  dog  got  up  and  grabbed  a  mouthful  of  dad's 
ample  pants  and  shook  dad  till  his  teeth  were 
loose,  and  a  woman  driving  another  mess  of 
dogs  had  to  come  and  choke  the  off  dog  so  he 
wouldn't  swallow  dad,  pants  and  all.  Dad  gave 
her  a  dollar  for  rescuing  him,  and  what  do  you 
think  ?  Say,  she  pulled  an  old  stocking  of  money 
out  of  her  bosom  and  counted  out  ninety-six 
cents  in  change  and  gave  it  back  to  dad,  and  only 
Charged  four  cents  for  saving  his  life,  and  that 
couldn't  occur  in  any  other  country,  cause  in 
most  places  they  would  take  the  dollar  and  strike 
him  for  more. 

Dad  wanted  to  take  the  dog  team  and  cart  to 
Milwaukee  to  give  it  to  a  friend  who  sells  red  hot 
weiners,  and  so  we  arranged  to  have  the  team 
loaded  on  the  boat,  but  just  before  the  boat  sailed, 
the  dog  team  was  lying  down  on  the  dock,  sleep 
ing  and  scratching  flees,  when  the  woman  dad 

371 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

bought  the  team  of  came  along  and  spoke  to  the 
dogs  in  Dutch,  and,  say,  those  dogs  woke  up  and 
started  on  a  regular  runaway  down  the  dock, 
after  the  laughing  woman,  and  disappeared  up 
the  street.  Just  as  the  boat  whistled  to  pull  in  the 
gang  planks,  dad  and  I  stood  on  deck  and  saw  the 
team  disappear,  and  dad  -said,  "Buncoed  again, 
by  gosh,  and  it  is  all  your  condemned  fault.  Why 
didn't  you  hang  on  to  that  off  dog."  Well,  we 
lost  our  dog  team,  but  we  got  the  worth  of  our 
money,  for  we  saw  a  people  who  do  not  eat  much 
beside  cabbage  and  milk,  and  they  are  the  strong 
est  in  the  world,  and  there  never  was  a  case  of 
dyspepsia  in  their  country.  We  saw  a  people  with 
stone  bruises  on  their  heels  and  corns  on  their 
toes,  smiling  and  laughing  all  the  time.  We  met 
a  people  that  work  all  the  time,  and  never  take 
ajiy  recreation  except  churning  and  rocking  ba 
bies,  and  yet  never  have  to  call  a  doctor,  because 
there  are  no  doctors  except  veterinary  surgeons, 
who  care  for  dogs  and  cattle. 

The  people  we  met  in  Holland  wear  wooden 
shoes  to  teach  them  patience  and  humility.  With 
wooden  shoes  no  frenzied  financier  of  Holland 
will  ever  travel  the  fast  road  of  speculation,  slip 
on  a  bucket-shop  banana  peel,  and  fall  on  the  in 
nocent  bystander  who  has  coughed  up  his  savings 

372 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

and  given  them  to  the  honest  financier  to  safely 
invest. 

The  bank  of  Holland  is  an  old  woolen  stock 
ing,  and  money  never  comes  out  of  the  stocking 
unless  there  is  a  string  to  it,  and  the  string  is  the 
heart  string  of  an  honest  people,  that  will  stand 
no  trifling.  If  a  dishonest  financier  came  to  Hol 
land  from  any  other  country,  and  did  any  of  his 
dirty  work,  the  women  of  Holland^  who  handle 
the  funds,  would  give  him  such  a  hazing  that  he 
would  never  open  his  three-card  monte  lay-out 
in  any  other  country. 

-  It  is  a  country  where  you  get  the  right 
change  back,  and  the  cows  give  eighteen  carat 
milk,  and  the  hens  have  not  learned  to  lay  small, 
cold  storage  eggs.  It  is  the  country  for  me,  if  the 
women  would  wear  corsets,  and  not  be  the  same 
size  all  the  way  down,  so  that  if  you  hugged  a 
girl  you  wouldn't  make  a  dent  in  her,  that  would 
not  come  out  until  she  got  her  breath. 

"And  we  left  such  a  country  and  such  a  peo 
ple,  to  come  here  to  Cuba,  where  the  population 
now  comprises  the  meanest  features  of  the  desper 
ate  and  wicked  Spaniards,  beaten  at  their  own 
game  of  loot,  the  trickiness  of  the  native  Cuban, 
flushed  with  pride  because  his  big  American 
brother  helped  him  to  drive  away  the  Spaniard 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

that  he  could  never  have  gotten  rid  of  alone,  and* 
with  no  respect  for  the  American  who  helped, 
and  only  meets  him  respectfully  because  he  is 
afraid  of  being  thrown  into  the  ocean  if  he  is  im 
pudent,  and  the  worst  class  of  Yankee  grafters 


"And  the  dog  got  up  and  grabbed  a  mouthful  of  Dad's  ample 

pants." 

and  highway  robbers  that  have  ever  been  allowed 
to  stray  away  from  the  land  of  the  free.  That  is 
what  Cuba  is  to-day. 

Soulless  Yankee  corporations  have  got  hold 
of  most  of  the  branches  of  business  that  there  is 
any  money  in,  and  the  things  that  do  not  pay 

374 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

and  never  can  be  made  to  pay,  are  for  sale 
to  tenderfeet.  The  cuban  hates  the  Yankee, 
the  Yankee  hates  the  Cuban,  and  the  Span 
iard  hates  both,  and  both  hate  him.  In  Ha 
vana  your  hotel,  owned  by  a  Cuban,  run  by 
a  Yankee,  with  a  Spanish  or  Portuguese  cashier, 
will  take  all  the  money  you  bring  into  it  for  a 
bed  at  night,  and  hold  your  baggage  till  your  can 
cable  for  money  to  buy  breakfast.  It  is  a  "free 
country,"  of  course,  run  by  men  who  will  fly  high 
as  long  as  they  can  borrow  money  for  some  one 
else  to  pay  after  they  are  dead,  but  within  ten 
years  the  taxes  will  eat  the  people  so  they  will  be 
head  over  heels  in  debt  to  the  Yankee  and  the 
Spaniard,  the  German  and  the  Englishman,  the 
Frenchman  and  the  Italian,  and  some  day 
warships  will  sail  into  Havana  harbor,  over 
the  submerged  bones  of  the  "Maine,"  and  there 
will  be  a  fight  for  juicy  morsels  of  the  Cuban 
dead  horse,  by  the  congregated  buzzards  of 
strange  navies,  unless  they  shall  shake  the 
dice  for  the  carcass,  and  by  carefully  loading  the 
dice  saw  the  whole  thing  off  on  to  Uncle  Sam, 
and  make  him  pay  the  debts  of  the  deceased  re 
public,  and  act  as  administrator  for  .the  benefit  of 
the  children  of  the  sawed  off  republic,  whose  only 
asset  now  is  climate  that  feels  good,  but  contains 

375 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

germs  of  all  diseases,  and  tobacco  that  smells 
good  when  it  is  in  conflagration  under  your  nose, 
and  does  not  kill  instantly  if  it  is  pasted  up  in  a 
Wisconsin  wrapper,  that  is  the  pure  goods. 
If  tobacco  ever  ceases  to  be  a  fad  with  the  rich 


Any  woman  could  whip  four  men  at  the  drop  of  the  hot. 

consumer  of  fifty-cent  cigars,  and  beet  sugar  i"s 
found  to  contain  no  first  aid  to  Bright's  disease, 
Cuba  will  amount  to  about  as  much  as  Dry  Tor- 
tugas,  which  has  purer  air,  and  the  Isle  of  Pines, 
which  has  more  tropical  scenery  and  less  yellow 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

fever.  But  now  the  Island  of  Cuba  is  a  joy,  and 
Havana  is  like  Heaven,  until  you  come  to  pay 
your  bill,  when  it  is  hell.  Streets  so  wide  you  can 
not  see  a  creditor  on  the  other  side,  pavements  as 
smooth  as  the  road  to  perdition,  and  tropical  trees, 
plants  and  flowers,  with  birds  of  rare  plumage, 
you  feel  like  sitting  on  a  cold  bench  in  the  shade, 
and  wishing  all  your  friends  were  here  to  enjoy  a 
taste  of  what  will  come  to  those  who  are  truly 
good,  in  the  hereafter,  -when  suddenly  you  are 
taken  with  a  chill  up  the  spinal  column,  and  a  cold 
sweat  comes  out  on  the  forehead,  and  the  internal 
arrangements  go  on  a  strike  because  of  the  cold, 
perspiring  cucumber  you  had  for  lunch,  and  you 
go  to  the  doctor,  who  does  not  do  a  thing  to  you, 
but  scare  you  out  of  your  boots  by  talking  of 
cholera,  and  giving  you  the  card  of  his  partner, 
the  undertaker,  telling  you  never  to  think  of  dy 
ing  in  a  tropical  country  without  being  embalmed, 
because  you  look  so  much  better  when  you  are 
delivered  at  your  home  by  the  express  company, 
and  then  he  gives  you  pills  and  a  bill,  and  an 
alarm  clock  that  goes  off  every  hour  to  take  a 
pill  by,  and  furnishes  you  an  officer  to  go  home 
to  your  hotel  with  you  to  collect  his  bill,  and  you 
pawn  your  watch  and  sleeve  buttons  for  a  steer 
age  ticket  to  New  York,  where  you  arrive  as  soon 

377 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

as  the  Lord  will  let  you,  and  stay  as  long  as  He 
thinks  is  good  for  you. 

Dad  has  not  been  much  good  in  Havana, 
cause  he  wanted  to  see  the  whole  business 
in  one  day.  He  got  a  row  boat  and  went 
out  in  the  harbor  to  where  the  back-bone  of  the 
"Maine"  acts  as  a  monument  to  the  fellows  who 
yet  sleep  in  the  mud  of  the  bottom,  and  after  tying 
a  little  American  flag  on  the  rigging  that  sticks 
up  above  the  water,  and  damning  the  villains  who 
blew  up  the  good  ship,  we  went  back  to  town  and 
drove  out  to  the  cemetery  where  several  hundred 
of  our  boys  are  buried,  where  we  left  flowers  on 
the  graves  and  a  cuss  in  the  balmy  air  for  the 
guilty  wretches  who  fired  the  bomb,  and  then  we 
went  back  to  the  city  and  walked  the  beautiful 
streets,  until  dad^began  to  have  cramps,  from  try 
ing  to  eat  all  the  fruit  he  could  hold,  and  then  it 
was  all  off,  and  I  was  going  to  call  a  carriage  to 
take  him  to  the  hotel,  when  dad  saw  a  negro 
astride  a  single  ox,  hitched  to  a  cart,  who  had 
come  in  from  the  country,  and  dad  said  he  wanted 
to  ride  in  that  cart,  if  it  was  the  last  act  of  his 
life,  and  as  dad  was  beginning  to  swell  up  from 
the  fruit  he  had  eaten,  I  thought  he  better  ride 
in  an  open  cart,  cause  in  a  carriage  he  might  swell 
up  so  we  couldn't  get  him  out  of  the  door  when 

378 


PECK'S  BAD  BOY  ABROAD 

we  got  to  the  hotel,  so  I  hired  the  negro,  got  dad 
in  the  cart,  and  we  started,  but  the  ox  walked  so 
slow  I  was  afraid  we  would  never  get  dad  there 
alive,  so  I  told  the  negro  dad  had  the  cholera,  and 
that  settled,  for  he  kicked  the  slats  of  the  ox  in 
with  his  heels,  and  the  ox  bellowed  and  run  away* 
and  the  negro  turned  pale  from  fright,  and  I 
guess  the  runaway  ride  on  the  cobble  stone  pave 
ment  was  what  saved  dad's  life,  for  the  swelling 
in  dad's  inside  began  to  go  down,  and  when  we 
got  to  the  hotel  he  got  out  of  the  cart  alone,  and 
I  knew  he  was  better,  for  he  shook  himself,  gul- 
luped  up  wind,  and  said,  "You  think  you  are 
smart,  don't  you?"  So  I  will  close. 

Yours, 

HENNERY. 


37Q 


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Form  L9-32m-8,'57(.C8680s4)444 


.OF-CALIFOfa/ 


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